Hey Juke...man, there must be something in the air. I am so sorry for this whirlwind of emotions she is taking you through. I don't know what I would think. I guess if it were my husband who had spoken the kind words that your WW did, I would wonder why he wouldn't come over to my place to seek comfort rather than the other person. Or at least a friend or family member. If she truly wanted to focus on your relationship with each other, she would make it a point to ditch this OM who is apparently not "the one" for her and a complete A**hole. But there seems to be a lot of internal conflict among WS's. My spouse is a complete stranger to me...used to be genuine, protective, caring, and seemed to have his head on straight but now is acting out as means to try to boost his shattered ego. I think our WS's are very immature and do hurt about what actions they have taken to cause so much pain on us, the person they vowed to love and cherish for lifetime. I still don't understand how one can treat a person they love with so much disregard with or without a f*cked up mind????

It is her loss.

I know it is hard but try to keep smiling Juke...things can only get brighter from here.

-K

Since my D was final I have been pursued by a woman at work. She is a great person. Maybe I should forget my XW and give her a chance. There is no white elephant in the room with this other woman. She is older also and probably knows what she wants. Why am I waiting around for someone who now seems to give a rat's [censored] about me? Is there anything wrong with just dating for now?

Guys- the level of being sucked in is small compared to last time. I had a lot of hope and maybe there still is, but a lot of doubt too. I don't know why she was over there, but all of her stuff should be out. I did go by a couple nights ago and she wasn't there. I need to stop being a weirdo stalker LOL and just let her come to me and prove herself if she really wants me. Yet I still wonder if I am in love with our memories more than who she is now. It will never be the same between us.

Juke,

I feel so sorry that you had your hopes up regarding your XW, but I think that now is the time for you to start thinking about yourself a bit and live your life.

I would not recommend getting into another relationship at this point. Your pain is too fresh and you need to heal from it first. The last thing that you need right now is to get into a rebound relationship with another woman where both of you end up getting hurt. It can easily happen.

You want comfort and you want to know that you are loved and that someone cares for you, that you are still attractive etc. This is all very understandable. When I first found out about my husband's EA with OW, I felt so rejected and ugly. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. At times, I thought about other men and I even started flirting etc. This was all so foolish. One of my friend's told me that this is NOT about me and has nothing to do with my appearance and it is true. I know that I'm attractive and if I was single, I probably wouldn't have any troubles finding another guy, but this was all about my husband and his inner demons.

Please, Juke, give yourself sometime. You are a nice looking guy, you have a good personality and you are young, very young. Take it slow and learn how to live YOUR life without having to worry about another person. Don't be afraid to be alone. It needn't be scary. Have you ever gone to a movie by yourself? Or out to dinner at a fancy restaurant? Try it; you will like it! Be your OWN best friend. You have so much to offer, but you will feel even better once you are at peace with yourself.

Take care of yourself!

Kati

Just Learning- Yeah you were right unfortunately. As far as what you are saying now I don't think just because we are divorced now that she is just OK and what she has done/is doing doesn't matter. You are right that I need to focus on my life like I was before. I just have soo much faith in her. Faith that she doesn't deserve or live up to. She is not the same person that I was married to. She is just a shell.

Kati- I actually still have a lot of self esteem. That makes it frusterating because I still think that I am a great guy etc. and why doesn't she want me? The thing that bums me out the most is that I really enjoyed being married and would like to be again. The thing is that the next marriage will not be the same and whoever I marry will know that I have been married before. I had my perfect wedding already. I guess I don't even need to be thinking about that now, but it does bother me. I just want to move on, maybe it's too soon for a new R.

Hey, juke..I'm in a cheeky mood...and in a music mood (organizing my mp3's).

Do me a favor and cue up "Poison" by Alice Cooper.

I think you should just see what happens with your xW, BUT..whenever YOU feel like pursuing her, cue up this song, okay? It's a great song no matter how you look at it, and it might help to remind you of things.

Let her pursue you...let her drain her "poison" somewhere other than in your veins...

juke,

That's the [censored]$!! Damn brother, we all feel for you.

Thefunitureman's advice is the one I would go with.

Here's my advice to you. Be honest. Tell her that you had an interest in working on a relationship, but saw her car at OM's house. Tell her that it is not constructive for you to be involved with her at this time. And turn and walk. (Actually turn and go. No conversation, no explanation from either of you. Just go.) Not angry, not sad, but what is the safest thing for juke. Period. Let her sort through it. On her own.

Live a little of your own life for a while.

k

Mad- LOL. Alice Cooper actually lives out here. I used to go to the same church as him. I have heard that song, but will try to find it again. She is like poison. So true. Why keep shooting her into my veins when I can enjoy life without her?

Lol..kind of funny to picture Alice Cooper in church.

Now..no no no...don't take what I said the wrong way.

I just think that you should not pursue her. Keep the door open, if you feel like you can (and want to), but let her do the work.

juke, be her safe haven. You know she's still really messed up, right? Be her friend as much as you're able to and be the safe haven for her. Not too available, but she should know there's a way back to you, if you want there to be a way back for her.

Juke, I know you were just venting and letting some of your frustrations out.

Stop going over to OM's - promise! I've done the same thing a few times, but seeing my WW's car parked there at night was pure horror. I had to stop, even though the house is like a mile from my office.

GC

Juke, take one day at the time. You will never know what is going to happen. Sometime we try to look to far into the future and it can scare us. I know it does me. It's easier to just take one day at a time and try to live the best you can.

My former best friend cheated on her husband and he reminds me a lot of you. He was crushed when they got divorced. Even after the divorce he waited for her, thinking there may be a chance for recovery. Well, as time went on, he started healing and then one day out of the blue, he met a woman. He's now married again and just became the father of a beautiful baby. Life is good for him. I've never seen him happier. They are so in love and they have a beautiful family.

Sometimes love is sent to us when we least expect it....

Kati

Juke, take one day at the time. You will never know what is going to happen. Sometime we try to look to far into the future and it can scare us. I know it does me. It's easier to just take one day at a time and try to live the best you can.

My former best friend cheated on her husband and he reminds me a lot of you. He was crushed when they got divorced. Even after the divorce he waited for her, thinking there may be a chance for recovery. Well, as time went on, he started healing and then one day out of the blue, he met a woman. He's now married again and just became the father of a beautiful baby. Life is good for him. I've never seen him happier. They are so in love and they have a beautiful family.

Sometimes love is sent to us when we least expect it....

Kati

Juke
sorry to hear what happened.

Going out on a limb here and thought what would I advise a young man in my unit having gone through all that you have.

I hate giving up, BUT sometimes there are no other options. She divorced you, you fought for the M alone.

So in short let her go. She is not ready for a full time committed relationship, she is acting like a immature teenager. She is immature.

I say go out with this WOMAN from work if she is someone you like, just go slowly. If its right for you it will work. Go & enjoy some ADULT female company (not meaning SF for the hell of it either) just enjoy the interaction for the fun of it. Coffee lunch dinner whatever.... go Juke you deserve a nice life.

All my best & hope you can post some fun & happy times here in the future.

I don't mean to start a big argument, aussie, but you have a track record of telling people to move on, and of suggesting some amount of dating for the BS. Please correct me if I'm remembering it the wrong way.

You've also said some things in your posts that have helped me. I thank you for that, and I don't accuse you of being some kind of troll.

But maybe you could elaborate on your philosophies. Your posts seem to follow some consistent beliefs that I have not seen you present explicitly, all at once. I'd be interested to hear about them.

Juke, I don't think you should spend time with this woman unless she is fully aware of your situation and knows you want to get back together with your wife. You wouldn't want your ex to start working hard on things, leading you to yank this other woman's chain this way and that.

GC

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Juke, you OK?

Did you execute another drive-by today?

I'm so sorry. I really feel for you Juke. You've done everything right. She just doesn't seem ready yet.

I know how you feel about already having the perfect wedding. I hate it that I'll soon have the title divorcee. I don't want to have a 1st marriage. I was only supposed to have one.

Everyone keeps telling us we are young, attractive, and lucky for not having children. It doesn't really help does it? I don't feel lucky at all. My life has been turned upside down. I've always wanted kids. Sure someday I may find someone but I don't think I can ever marry again. I know that other people find new people and can live very happily in a second marriage. I just don't see the point.

As to dating. I don't know. I think you are still on the rebound and I don't think you really want to use someone just to help you get over your XW. Maybe that's not the case, but I don't know.

I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck, I hope you're feeling better today.

How's my AZ friend doing? Keeping your chin up I hope. You know what they say, you can't see the sun, or the moon, or the stars, or the possibilities, when you are looking at the ground.

Keep those feet on the ground Juke. Keep your eyes on the horizon.

Ivory, I know the old "things could be worse" lines. Boy do they wear you down. I hear them too, I guess they try to make us feel like we are fortunate to only have a cheating spouse.

I have a STBX, two love-of-my-life children, mortagages, retirement plans, animals, etc. Divorcing with children has to be harder, you will always have that reminder of the betrayal.

But hey, I've got my health. And thank goodness for that because STBX has told me to work more - she needs the money.

Ivory,

Well, at some point, I think that it is only healthy to move on. If my husband were to divorce me today, then I would take it very hard and it would take me a long time to heal and get over this. Maybe I would never really get "over it". He is my first true love and the only man that I've ever been married to or wish to be married to. BUT, if he chose to leave and live his life with someone else, I would WANT to move on at some point because I would never want to live my life in the shadow of someone who doesn't want me.

I truly believe that there IS a point in moving on when all else fails.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong>
I know that other people find new people and can live very happily in a second marriage. I just don't see the point.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:

My life has been turned upside down. I've always wanted kids. Sure someday I may find someone but I don't think I can ever marry again. I know that other people find new people and can live very happily in a second marriage. I just don't see the point.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not young [but neither an old geezer, yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ] but after my divorce from my XWW [first W] I said the same things to others and to myself when WHAM! in comes a woman in my life who made me do a 180 degree turn in my thinking about marriage. Now that woman is my W and I have never been happier in marriage. So don't beleive for a minute that your present emotional state and view of remarriage is going to stay the same in the future.