So far you have been doing well, so please don't blow it now. I think she will feel like she can continue her cake eating. So you might prepare for her to not want to leave.

Hopefully you won't have to go the legal route.

Thanks for the reply. I have talked to my attorney and the only way I can force her out is with a lawsuit. It is called a "Divorce from Bed and Board". i don't know how long it would take or how much it would cost all I have to do is prove adultery which won't be hard. I have all her emails and a supportive OM's wife. So yes I cab force her out. I am ready for some peace.

Well, we will hope and pray that your wife will leave on her own. I think going to court would be very hard on you. Since she says she doesn't want to hurt you, maybe she will just leave.

It seems like she has the money to go, so why wouldn't she leave?

That's good that you already know it can be done then. Can I ask what state? Then for your peace, I think you should do it as quickly as possible. You deserve some peace. Don't be a bit surprised if she's stunned by your actions. Sometimes, WS think they're the only ones calling the shots.

Take care,
Shellybird

Well today is the day that I ask her to leave voluntarily. She has gone for the moment to visit her sister in a nearby town but will be back by mid afternoon. I plan to tell her she has 2 options and I have 2 options. Her options are:
1. NC and come back into the marriage(which I don't think she will do)
2. Leave voluntarily and continue her A

My options:
1. Accept her back and work like hell on this marriage
2. Legally force her out.

As she siad to me Friday, I can't control her but I can control me.

Pray that I remain cool and calm.

Hmmm. If she is off visiting her sister, it sounds like she is not planning to leave today. It sounds like she would prefer to live with you and still hang on to OM.

I would not even tell her she has two choices. She may look at that as controlling. I would let her know that you love her and would like nothing better than to have her back in the marriage.

But if she plans on continuing to have contact with OM, that will not work for you, and she is free to go wherever she wants to go. Let her know that contact will not continue in your home.

She gave you the October 3 date. It is time for her to honor her promise. Then I would help her pack her stuff, and arrange for it to be sent to wherever she decides to live.

Try not to bring up the legal stuff. It is much better if she goes voluntarily.

Believer, I am so tired of this cake eating. You said not to mention the legal stuff but I don't know any other way to get her leave. I could be so mean and cruel to her that she would leave but that is not right and I won't do that. So I am in a quandrary. I believe she has to know that although I can't control her I can control my house and my life. Right now without her and her lover boy would be a big plus for me. I need some time alone without this **** going on around me. I also found out this weekend that OM has sent her a new cell phone. He must be paying for it because I have check my accounts and I am not. So he sent her money and a cell phone. I am ready for her to go to him and let him meet all her needs. That will free me.

Well, I know you want the cake eating to stop. It is not fair to you, plus may cause you to lose your love for her.

I would just have the boundaries set in my mind. No matter what she says, stick to them. She will probably want to discuss them. Don't discuss them with her. Let her know calmly that this is not going to continue under your roof. Just keep repeating that like a broken record.

When you first start having boundaries, it makes the other person mad, so don't be drawn in by her anger. Just repeat that she will not be living with you and carrying on her affair, but she is free to go wherever.

You can always bring in the legal stuff later. Right now your wife needs to hear from you that this will not continue.

Just pretend that we are there with you, listening and encouraging you. Don't let her postpone this, or promise to go next week. Make today be the decision day. She can always go to a hotel, her sisters, etc, where she will be free to carry on her affair.

Thanks believer, I will try. But I still believe that she wants to stay here and continue to talk to him. She said to me Friday "I have just got to be with OM". So I am ready for her to do just that. I will repeat my boundaries to her. She has a good friend, divorced 3 times, that she could go stay with here in town. All of her sisters live far away from here. So she has to chose today. As far as the legal stuff goes it may be my only option.

hopeful,

I completely support what ever means you must use to put an end to the cake eating....including legal means. Please do what ever you do in front of a witness....so that she can't accuse you of abuse or threats. Trust me...it is necessary.

hopeful - Listen to starfish. She is an expert, and has lots of experience coaching people going thru this stuff.

hopeful,

Believer is giving me too much credit....but you have become an unwitting enabler in this scenario. It's time to enforce some healthy boundaries that say "I will no longer be party to your selfishness. I will not support you financially or emotionally while you continue to hurt me over and over again because it is destroying all the love and respect I have for you. It is time for you to move out and find out for yourself what path you want to take in life and if you can live an honest and ethical life. While you are deciding, I am no longer willing to watch...it's simply too painful. I have sought legal counsel and I am within my rights to ask you to leave until such time that you want to be truly married and faithful. I still love you, but I love myself too. If you have ANY feelings for me at all, please do the right thing and spare me from this daily assault....pack your bags, go stay with a friend and find a suitable place to live."

If she refuses, I urge you to take the legal steps necessary to make it happen. Please follow through as if this is a Plan B with a letter that states the conditions that must be met before reconsidering separation....as well as set up someone who act as a mediator so that you do not have to speak to her AT ALL until she is willing to do those things.

Best of luck to you....you are in my prayers!