Hello everyone!

My husband and I have been married for 1 year and we created a blended family.
He has 1 son aged 6 from a 13 years old relationship and I have 2 kids aged 6,respectively 3 from my previous marriage.

We live in Europe in a country where rules might be different from those ones in English speaking countries,so please bear with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay,the problem is that both our ex-es have been trying to distroy our marriage for many months and they still plan together lots of ways how to succeed.Their advantage is that we all have been acquaintances and know more less about each others´life.

For instance,my ex blame a lot my husband in order to prove me I made a mistake choosing "the wrong guy"who is "criminal,liar,irresponsible,etc".At the same time he calls my husband telling how terrible person I can be!

My ex also tells me that he doesn´t want our kids learn "the bad habits" of my husband and he tries to control where we go,what we do,etc every time the kids are visiting me.

My husband hasn´t seen his 6yo son for over 10 months now as his ex thinks I am not suitable to even be around "her" kid.

All our kids (my 6yo & 3yo and also his 6yo)do not live with us,but with their other parents.We both have meeting rights every second weekend.

My husband´s ex wants to broke our marriage too telling my husband how bad person I am,how much I use him,and that I will surely live him after a short while.

I think she is sick of jealousy as he seems to spend with me more time than he ever spent with her,he married me after just a 12 months relationship and he never married her even they lived together for 13 years,plus we never gave up on our relationship despite the pressures of both of our ex-es.

She even said without shame that she knows she is best for him and he doesn´t realize his own best.
She also considers she "knows" that sooner or later she together with my ex can destroy our marriage as we don´t have kids together and probably will never have.
Moreover,she wants to come back and start living again with my husband as they have a kid together and they are "the only right family"(all these despite the fact she was the one who left with another guys twice before and my husband forgave her each time)

We both spoke to social workers,psychologists,etc but unfortunately,in this country there are limited methods to stop them behaving so terrible.

Well,my husband and I love each other very much and we both know we are not going to give up our relationship just because of our ex-es´common efforts to break our marriage.

However the situation is not pleasant and we are afraid that the only way to stop their dirty plans is to give up the relationship with the kids we have together with them.

We wonder what would happen in case we get a kid of our own?Perhaps in that situation they have no more power over us and cannot use anymore the kids in order to broke our marriage?

My husband agreed to the idea I would post this to the forum and we both read the article on blended families.

We would be most grateful if anyone can give a good advice,talk about personal/professional experience on similar cases.
lots of advanced thanks,
a marriage who needs your advice

Were you both divorced from your exes when you started seeing each other? Why are your exes so angry?

Aside from that, I don't know why you care what they say about you. What difference does it make that his ex says you are scum? Why would you care what she thinks?

And what about visitation rights? If your H's ex won't let her child around you, then why doesn't he go visit his child?

Let me guess - your "relationship" with your husband started as an affair for both of you while you were still with/married to the exs?

If so, you are experiencing one of the consequences of that choice. We don't condone the vengeful behavior by them, but we certainly understand it.

Before we offer further advice, please elaborate on the two family histories.

First I would like to thank a lot for your replies.Here would be more details about our families:

NO,the relationship with my husband DIDN`T start as an affair.His ex left him for the 3rd time(!!!)in winter of 2002.In spring of 2003 I left my ex due to his violent behaviour.

Only in July 2003 we accidentally realized that we had a lot in common,started a wonderful relationship that continued also after getting married.(September 2003).

Everyone in our families + our common friends wonder a lot WHY our both exes started to plan dirty things against our marriage EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE THE ONES WHO DID WRONG!!!After we got married,they both started to say they know best what´s best for us and the kids.

My husband is a wonderful man and he wouldn´t tell anyone bad words,would not criticize people´s behaviour and prefers not to sue his ex for not respecting the child meeting agreement.

He wouldn´t visit his 6yo due to his ex begging him to take her back every time.He is also tired of her big mouth and wouldn´t listen anymore to the same old sermon.

Besides twice she even sent me messages that on one of those occasions when my husband came to pick up his son my THEY HAD SEX!!!How could she dare to lie so much??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In other words,my husband tries to avoid more troubles with his ex by not going to visit his son there at her places´.

Well,we actually don´t care about what our exes think,tell,plan against us but I can assure you that isn´t pleasant to regulary get angry messages,lots of phone calls full of blamimngs,dirty letters full of lies,etc

If we were the ones who started an affair while still married with them,perhaps it would be more understandable but in this situation we really cannot figure out what´s wrong in their heads! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What do you all think?The psychologists we visited were a bit puzzled about our exes´behaviours and they even adviced us to stop answering their phone calls,messages,etc.However this "method" didn´t work either,they went to the social office telling that we deliberately don´t answer their phone when they have "important" things to tell us about the kids!!!

What you all think about all this mess? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
We are ready to make any sacrifice it takes in order to stop them from destroying our marriage even that would mean giving up our kids´meeting rights.

thanks once again for all your replies
we_need_help

First off, they don't have the power to destroy your marriage. And I am not clear on why you CARE what they say or think? So what? Let them say what they want. If they are harrassing by phone, then have them contact an intermediary who can screen the calls.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wouldn´t visit his 6yo due to his ex begging him to take her back every time.He is also tired of her big mouth and wouldn´t listen anymore to the same old sermon.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My blood pressure just went through the roof reading this. How dare your H neglect his child because he was "tired of her big mouth." That is NO EXCUSE to neglect his child! Who cares if your H doesn't like her big mouth? What about the needs of his son?

MelodyLane is right.

You left your husband because he was violent, yet your two children live with HIM?

There is something which just doesn't click with your post.

A mother who see her 3 yo only ever other weekend??? And her 6 yo??? And father is violent???????

A father who goes 10 months without seeing his 6 yo???

I personally woudn't want either one of you around my kid.

I'm sorry, you want advice about your marriage but all the parents on this board are not going to be able to see past the child issue.


One more thing, from my experience games can only be played amongst participating partners. If they are in fact playing games with you, you must also be playing back or guess what? Game over.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Excellent points, weaver!

Well,dear Weaver,at the moment you`re experiencing the same situation as we do I´m sure you will change your oppinions 180 degrees.

In this small European country police/court won´t help my husband meet his son by forcing his ex to respect the child meeting agreement even though they have a legalized agreement.

Besides I don´t wish anybody to fight for many years in court while the children´s place to live is every time established by new temporary court decisions.All researches here show that this is not the best solution for kids.

I would love to see my 3yo and 6yo more often but you see we live 69 miles away from the place they do and we prefer to respect the children meeting agreement we have instead of having problems with our exes.IF THEY DON`T RESPECT THE AGREEMENTS IT`S NOT OUR FAULT!!!!!

Honestly speaking HOW WOULD YOU FEEL to ought to fight with your ex every time you have to pick up your kid(s)?Do you think it´s good for the kids to see you both fighting all the time?????

So far my ex was violent only to me,not to the kids so the court hasn´t reasons to fear the kids aren´t safe with him.

Well,anyway thank you for your lines.I really wish no one of you ever experience our situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So far my ex was violent only to me,not to the kids so the court hasn´t reasons to fear the kids aren´t safe with him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course that is a compelling reason for the court to believe he will become violent toward them as well - not to mention a compelling reason for you to fear that he would harm the children.

Under the circumstances, I can not understand why you aren't fighting tooth and nail for custody of your children, or how the father ended up with custody of children that young in the first place. Your younger child must have been two or younger when you left. It seems highly unlikely that a mother who sought custody of children that young would not get at least 50% custody, even without the violence issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by we_need_help:
<strong>Honestly speaking HOW WOULD YOU FEEL to ought to fight with your ex every time you have to pick up your kid(s)?Do you think it´s good for the kids to see you both fighting all the time?????
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, I moved 30 mi. when I heard that my exW plan to enroll them to the school near by their skating rink .... I am a father but I do every thing to make sure I would secure custody. I got 50-50 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Second, My exW is hostile ... I put NC. I don't see her for exchange of custody. You could make arrangement. I ignored her email, phone call, and herself. I AVOID the fight but I find ways to be with my kids.

-rh-

Every body here wants to help. But as WAT said there is more to this story, it just doesn't jive.

Nellie asked why aren't you fighting for custody of your children and how did you end up without when they were so little?

Redhad asked why you live so far away from children?

There is not a man alive who could take me away from my daughter so I am having trouble with that too.

These are honest questions meant to get to the root, since we do not know you. I think everyone would be more than willing to give honest feedback and help, but we need the same from you.

I still need to understand a bit more on how this all started.

How do your exes know each other? Did each couple know each other before the marriages ended?

You say both exes did wrong. You stated that yours was "violent." What did your husbands ex do wrong? You stated she left him for the third time. Why?

Are we right to conclude that each ex is angry because they didn't want the respective marriages to end?

If we asked the exes why the marriages ended, what would they say?

Finally, you stated that you and your husband didn't have an affair. So why are you posting your questions on this "infidelity" forum?

WAT

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks again everyone for your questions and advices.

Sorry if I was not so clear,my husband and I have 50% custody with our exes as in this country it´s very seldom to obtain full custody except the cases the ex is a drug user,has alchool problems,is convicted and even so... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I didn´t report his violence at the police station and there is no medical report on that so he can easily deny it in court.

My hubby has a friend whose ex wife used alchool and even threatened her kids´life in front of police(when the father went to her place with police officer in order to have his meeting rights respected according the contract they had).THE AUTHORITIES STILL GAVE HER 50% CUSTODY and police said they CANNOT DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS HER WORDS DO NOT TURN INTO ACTIONS!!!The same goes with my ex:as long as he never used violence against the kids no one has reasons to believe that he is dangerous to them.

I live so far from the kids as after leaving my ex I found a new job at nearly 70 miles away.

My husband was NEVER married with his ex,they just lived for 13 years together.This happens very often in this country.She left him 3 times because of 3 affairs and he accepted her back each time with the hope the situation will not repeat and she will keep her promise.Before she knew he had a relationship with me she never thought of coming back!!(proof=she took from my hubby´s home lots of furniture,electronic equipment,all toys & kids´books,90% of their child´s clothes ++++!!!!!)

My husband didn´t want to end the marriage,we have been to marriage counsellor at least 8 times before divorce.He didn´t accept the divorce as he was used to control my life and he couldn´t accept the idea he was NOT the best for me.That was why he tried to lie a lot about my new man trying to prove how "good" he was in comparsion to the other guy!

Our exes and we have a few common aquaintances,that was how they got in touch.

I posted by mistake this at Infidelity as at first I only saw written "General Questions".

I think that for every kid is very important that their parents love each other not fight a lot,so it was wisest to end such a marriage.
My ex would say that I was too childish and didn´t give him a chance to prove he can change and stop his violent behaviour.But believe me guys,I heard the same story for over 5 years yet NOTHING CHANGED!

My husband´s ex would say she had NO AFFAIR but just moved to another city to be nearer to her job!!!HOWEVER she still lives with the same man she left with in 2002!!

I know you all might have a totally different oppinion,but for both my husband and me our marriage is NO 1,then come the kids and all the rest.If we don´t put our marriage as NO.1 the kids will suffer the consequences of an unballanced relationship.If we are not happy the kids cannot be either!

thanks again to you all for your help

Thank you for your explanation!

Have you and your husband read the MB concepts? My suggestion would be to implement the concepts so that your marriage is very strong.

My next suggestion would be not to engage in any talk with ex's except as it relates to your children. Do the ex's have to let you see children? They cannot withold visitation, correct?

Can you find an intermediate like Redhad has done so he has no one on one with his ex?

I'm sure others will jump in with more of this type of experience than I.

I love the MB concepts for marriage building. It is my experience most people won't play games with you when you don't play back. Does that make sense? And most people can sense a strong marriage and won't interfere. It is something which you feel about a couple, kind of like an invisible wall.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We both have meeting rights every second weekend.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Later you said you have 50% custody. Which is it?

There have been many studies that demonstrated that children really do not care whether their parents are "happy" as long as they are together and the children are taken care of. More importantly, it is incomprehensible to me how you could put your new marriage above your children's SAFETY. If your H was really violent, why didn't you go to the hospital, if for no other reason than to substantiate the abuse in order to protect your children? How can you possibly be "happy" if you can't even be sure that your children will be safe in your ex-husband's care?

I suspect that there is more to this story than meets the eye. You mentioned acquaintances in common - had you ever met your current husband while you were still with your former husband?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by we_need_help:
<strong>I know you all might have a totally different oppinion,but for both my husband and me our marriage is NO 1,then come the kids and all the rest.If we don´t put our marriage as NO.1 the kids will suffer the consequences of an unballanced relationship.If we are not happy the kids cannot be either!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm ... How can I describe it to you w/o offending you ?. I can't .... Sorry, this is 2x4 !. You choose your happiness over your kids need and how dare you twist a point of view of happy parent need. You have your kids before you met current H. Your kids don't choose your current H .... you do !. You put your own needs in front of theirs. You have no right to claim "parental need" b/c you never put yourself as a parent to begin with in this M!.

Any future mate of mine better understand that she is second to my 2 D's while they are minor. She better bite her tounge until my 2 D are adult and out from the house.

-rh-

Any future mate of mine better understand that she is second to my 2 D's while they are minor. She better bite her tounge until my 2 D are adult and out from the house.

And then bite it some more! Heh Redhat. This is how I have felt since my DD was born. What happens when you hold this view is everyone respects it. It is a given...non negotiable.

Unfortunately some people do not have the slightest idea of what it means to be a parent, especially when one becomes divorced. This changes everything, what was once two parents staying strong for the family is now one parent staying strong for the happiness of the child. This is how it must be because the childs life has already been shattered.

Nellies point is very good, you should listen. What was once true about parents being together and happy, and the childs happiness will follow gets blown to hell after divorce. It does not hold true anymore. At this point your children MUST come first because you have already blown the whole family/parents together concept out of the water. It doesn't exist anymore for the child. Now all that exists for your children are two separate worlds with two separate parents who better put the children first for the CHILDS survival.

And like I said, nobody would play games with you if you didn't play back. Respect yourselves, your marriage and be good, loving, strong parents and nobody will dare play games with that either.

Maybe your ex's don't want you around the kids, not because they are jealous but because they don't think it is good for the kids to be around you.

Well,redhat and everybody else I don´t intend to offend anyone either but if you put your kids first after divorce and your possible future partner will put his/her kids first too NONE OF YOU WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO SUCCEED IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP!

Kids will leave their parents sooner or later and some of them may never be even grateful that we sacrifice our life/happiness for them.

I am 100% that my marriage will work this time as long as both my husband and I have the same oppinion about being parents.

If our exes are trying to prove they are better parents than we are,then we let them play their own game.And if they are better it´s great as well.

I´m afraid they can never enjoy their life without the right partners as adults need other adults´love not only their kids´love.And I think from your discussions I realized WHY our exes make problems continously:THEY NEED SOMETHING MORE THAN THEIR KIDS`LOVE and they are jealous we realized it BEFORE THEM!!!!

They didn´t stop their dirty game even though WE DIDN`T PLAY BACK!HOW CAN NORMAL PEOPLE BEHAVE SO???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And no,my husband and I didn´t know each others before but our exes had common acquaintances due to their former jobs.

Thank you again everyone I think I know now better what to do in this situation.

Well,redhat and everybody else I don´t intend to offend anyone either but if you put your kids first after divorce and your possible future partner will put his/her kids first too NONE OF YOU WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO SUCCEED IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP!

Kids will leave their parents sooner or later and some of them may never be even grateful that we sacrifice our life/happiness for them.

I am 100% that my marriage will work this time as long as both my husband and I have the same oppinion about being parents.

If our exes are trying to prove they are better parents than we are,then we let them play their own game.And if they are better it´s great as well.

I´m afraid they can never enjoy their life without the right partners as adults need other adults´love not only their kids´love.And I think from your discussions I realized WHY our exes make problems continously:THEY NEED SOMETHING MORE THAN THEIR KIDS`LOVE and they are jealous we realized it BEFORE THEM!!!!

They didn´t stop their dirty game even though WE DIDN`T PLAY BACK!HOW CAN NORMAL PEOPLE BEHAVE SO???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And no,my husband and I didn´t know each others before but our exes had common acquaintances due to their former jobs.

Thank you again everyone I think I know now better what to do in this situation.

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: we_need_help ]</small>