PLEASE do NOT go ahead with the wedding. You need to postpone, and quickly. Tell your fiance. Go to IC and urge her to go to premarital counseling with you.

You both deserve to go INTO a M with total honesty and realism. If you are able to counsel with the Harley's you will have a blue print for an excellent M. You fiance deserves the truth. She WILL find out and you risk hurting her even more after you are married.

I commend you for being willing to work on yourself and understand yourself. But your fiance deserves not to be duped into a complete falsehood and marry you at this point. I truly hope that you follow this advice. I think you are in for a world of hurt either way, both of you are, but there is a way to do this with integrity and the coward's way. Do the RIGHT thing.

To withhold the fact that you had an affair during your engagement from your fiancee is arrogant, manipulative and disrespectful.

You take away her choices. Your finacee is CHOOSING to marry you under the pretense that you are a faithful person, which you are NOT.

Regardless if you ended it or not Seth, you participated in betrayal of her trust in you and your future marriage. YOU OWE HER THE TRUTH.

How arrogant if you decide to intentionally prevent her from making her own choices by withholding the truth about yourself.

These may seem like harsh words, but I feel you need to understand that this secret you want to keep from your potential new spouse may very well be the beginning of a marriage fraught with more of the same.

When you say you're trying to protect HER from hurt, etc., .... please understand we also know that you're protecting yourself from having to explain it to her and feel any grief/guilt for your behavior, or even possibly lose her.

If you cannot be honest now Seth, what guarantees that you can be post-nuptuals?

God Bless,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seth_1000:

1. OW had always put the pressure on me, constantly telling me that the ball is in my court, what happens is entirely up to me, she has no say in anything, she will follow my lead etc.

2. Now I am also thinking about the way OW behaved. The way she tried to pull me out of my upcoming marriage. I don’t like it. She would tell me things such as postpone the marriage

3. OW’s attitude was when she wants something, she does everything she can to get it. She didn’t seem too concerned that that would destroy our marriage and devastate my fiancé.

4. OW pushed me hard to rethink my marriage and “not settle”. Think about what was best for me. She would say I should leave and shift to her city and live with her. That it was all so right.

5. OW would still try to push me to leave, which I did resent a little at the time, even more so now.

6. OW would ask me about my sex life with BS, how exciting is my life, am I excited about the marriage etc., casting a lot of doubt over my current station in life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So okay Seth. Where is your part? Were you just a victim to OW? You keep pointing at the OW for all the accountability for the affair. Where's your 50%?

Have you done ANY brutal self introspection in what YOUR part was aside from stating you were selfish and a liar.

Did OW FORCE you into the affair. That's got to be a first.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Seth...I'm hoping we didn't chase you away...or maybe...we chased you into your fiancee's arms so scared that you confessed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The hurtful truth's here are your truths. Hurt, doesn't it? I know. But what you and I can't empathize with the other responders to your thread is the hurt they are feeling or have felt or will keep on feeling. I would suppose it's magnified by the "pain" we feel by the thousands. Stop the madness, seth.

At the very least, I hope you learned what an A does. And what it is doing to you.

Dear Seth.
You have been on my mind and I am sure other MB friends also.

I have wondered if you read all the heartfelt caring replies to you?

I also hope you are making the RIGHT decision and telling your girl about your brief affair....I just sincerely feel that you are a really nice guy that made a mistake and the love you have for one another will overcome this 'sin'.

Love, truthfulness, repentence and forgiveness will be the glue that holds you and your lady, together for a lifetime.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SETH!!!

I would like to tell you I am in your situation currently except I was the one being cheated on and yes my fiance also ended it with the OW and thought I would never find out- However the OW must have got a hair up her A** because she called me a 1 and a half months after it was over to let me now about the affair.

As I read read the replies to you I agree tell her yourself and let her make the decision for herself as to what to do!!

I will tell you knowing of the affair and the lies that were told to me to hide it hurt but more than anything it crushes me to know that he was not the one to come clean- I have postponed our wedding it is being planned for next September and we have been seeking counseling- it really seems to be helping!!!I also now that this must be hard for you, I see it everyday in my fiance I think it hurts him more than anything that I now know that he is human and can make mistakes as it seems that the 2 of you are alot alike. If she loves you and after 12 years she must it can still work- I have 5 into my realationship and even though others say that they would run and when I first posted I was told to just leave, they do not realize that even though you have not said your vows you are truly invested. I hope all goes well and keep posting!!!!

SETH!!!

I would like to tell you I am in your situation currently except I was the one being cheated on and yes my fiance also ended it with the OW and thought I would never find out- However the OW must have got a hair up her A** because she called me a 1 and a half months after it was over to let me now about the affair.

As I read read the replies to you I agree tell her yourself and let her make the decision for herself as to what to do!!

I will tell you knowing of the affair and the lies that were told to me to hide it hurt but more than anything it crushes me to know that he was not the one to come clean- I have postponed our wedding it is being planned for next September and we have been seeking counseling- it really seems to be helping!!!I also now that this must be hard for you, I see it everyday in my fiance I think it hurts him more than anything that I now know that he is human and can make mistakes as it seems that the 2 of you are alot alike. If she loves you and after 12 years she must it can still work- I have 5 into my realationship and even though others say that they would run and when I first posted I was told to just leave, they do not realize that even though you have not said your vows you are truly invested. I hope all goes well and keep posting!!!!