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#1192892 10/05/04 11:00 AM
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This is a PERFECT time for Plan B.

Plan B is not about getting the person back...it's about removing yourself from the drama. There is no better gift you can give your DD and unborn one than to remove yourself from all this chaos.

What...you want him to come back on the weekends to fulfill whatever needs the OW isn't fulfilling so he can keep this up for awhile longer with her...nope, time to cut this off. Let him know it is NOT OK for him to cheat on his pregnant wife.

Start writing a Plan B letter, let him know he is not allowed back in the house until he has 'found' himself, and that includes NC with OW (cell phone bills transparent to you), MC, and a true committment to the M with honesty and accountability. Until that happens, there will be NO CONTACT with you...no fulfilling his needs.

What, you can't Plan B because there are children? Let his sister be your intermediary. Let her know you don't want to know details about him...what they talk about, that will help you stay our of the drama, but you can talk about any other thing...and she will be the one that coordinates with you about visiting the kids, and the new one...

#1192893 10/05/04 01:36 PM
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Dear SML:

how does he dare to leave HIS son (your 9 yo stepson) with you, while he rides into the sunset to find himself?

Your H is a despicable jerk. Sorry to say this. He leaves his pregnant wife and his children in this completely selfish disgusting manner.

I feel for you, SML. You know what: You are better off without him. I hope you can find your anger and it can heal your pain.

You are doing the right thing by not answering his phone calls. Show him how outrageous his behavior is. Good time for a serious Plan B.

He will hear this opinion from all people that he will tell this story to. And that is good. Because it will show him how wrong his behavior is.

Set boundaries. Be strong. This baby that is about to be born is his child too. He will miss the birth. He will not be there for this happy occasion of the birth of his first daughter. He will be ashamed and sad about this the rest of his life (even if it does not seem like this to you right now).

The "I have to find myself" fog will disappear eventually...and he will be left with a lot of guilt and shame.

You do deserve so much better than this, SML. Find your strength in yourself. You can do this! You are not alone. Reach out to your friends at MB, your friends and family in real life.

Everybody thinks that your H is wrong. Maybe that can comfort you a little.

Hugs

#1192894 10/05/04 02:02 PM
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SML,

I agree with Iceprincess. I cannot imagine how hurt you must be by your WH's behavior, having to deal with two children and being pregnant and then this... I also don't care about your SIL's behavior all that much.

Right now is NOT the time for your husband to go out and "find himself". This is absolutely ridiculous.

I know this is not sound MB advice, but I'm about to tell you to leave the bum and get on with your life. You are still so very young and you needn't be put through this mess.

I really feel for you and I'm sending big hugs across the Potomac. Your husband should be so proud and so lucky to have three beautiful children to cal his own. Some people out there are not as lucky (I don't think he realizes that) and would gladly switch places with him...

Take care!

Kati

#1192895 10/05/04 02:06 PM
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Dear SML,

His leaving c/b your blessing since his presence as a WS is more hurtful to you and your family.

He is still spewing fog babble. He may even falsely charge you of manipulating any words coming from the children. When he does this kind of fog babble, walk away. Hang up and let him rant to himself. Later when he is more sane, camly explain to him that his fog babble is just that, fog babble and you will not allow him to subject you and the children to such fowl language (fog babble is fowl). He will have to fog babble with OWs since they like that fowl smell. Present it just like that. I did. It help him paint a picture of a fowl/stinky OW when he was with her. I even mentioned that he smelled when I suspected he was with her. I would comment about a faint stench eminating from his body.....sure did confuse the WS. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for you, now let him know that he is right. Concentrating on yourself and your children is what you must do since he isn't pulling his fair and 'loving' share. See when you let him know he is right, it will also ring back to him in a way he will not anticipate. Again your words from this angle will play back in his fog head over and over again.....

Thus you can LB the A without lifting a finger except for those few words. It sure does make life a bit easier.

Concentrate on you and the baby. Love your little ones. They will also be your support.

take care,
L.

#1192896 10/05/04 02:06 PM
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He said he doesn't feel like I listen. That he kinda blames me for not being able to do what he needs to do regarding his dreams of becoming a writer/artist. That he feels he needs to get away to clear his head. Get a second job and start doing what he needs to do.

Harsh reality

Peter Pan does not want to grow up. He wants to remain the little boy...

A REAL MAN does not "go find himself"... because he already is a MAN... one who knows who he is.

Here's the deal... this is not so much about an affair or OW or LB's or un-met needs in the marriage... the way I see this...

This particular situation is a character flaw situation...

Here is my opinion.... see an attorney. Get financially positioned because, sadly, I do not see this turning around with any MB methods.

Pep

#1192897 10/05/04 02:31 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> ...Here is my opinion.... see an attorney. Get financially positioned because, sadly, I do not see this turning around with any MB methods.

Pep[/b] </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, while I agree that SML should see an attorney and a WS is not one a BS should want back.....IMHO it was not hopeless.

A WS in turmoil is a vulnerable WS. This is a good time for SML to sit back and let the WS damage himself. Keep out of the way so she is out of the path of blame.

When he runs his course and sees that his demise is his own doing, the OW becomes a burden than a fantasy and if he becomes an XWS, then and only then is there a chance for him to prove he is worthy of his family. At that time, if SML wants to give him a chance, it is up to her and not the WS.

The WS should not be given the chance to return as a WS. I learned that one the hard way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

#1192898 10/05/04 04:29 PM
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Orchid... I really hope you are right and i am wrong!

Pep

#1192899 10/05/04 05:03 PM
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Thanks for the support you guys... Today hasn't been so bad... Just a little sad and lonely but I will be ok. It mainly bothers me at night. Especially when he is not next to me in bed. My three year old always ventures over but it's not the same as having my husband here.

I haven't talked to him today. He tried to call my cell earlier but I didn't hear it ring and never tried to call him back. He sent me a email today saying he was sorry for all the pain and tears he has caused. That he will find a way to make all this up to me. That he just needs this time right now to figure out the man he really is. You know I could accept that IF he was going to his sisters to truly think and focus on writing and stuff for a little while. But I cannot accept him going there and still calling her. How is that focusing and clearing his head? Maybe he will eventually stick to his word maybe he won't .... Only thing I can do right now is take one day at a time. I don't have anything ready for the baby... Guess now is the perfect time to start working on that. Again thanks for all your words of support it really means something to me.

#1192900 10/05/04 06:09 PM
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He just called wanted to say goodnight to the kids... Told me again that he was sorry. I told him also again that if he truly was sorry and just wanted time to think and stuff that he should not lie and stop calling her. I guess this may be the wrong approach.

I am just so tired of feeling like nothing to him. And her everything... He talked about 30 minutes.. Said he was sending out resumes still looking for his second job.. and is also working on his website showing his art, poetry and expressions. He is very talented and will get very far with his talent but I am not to blame for him lacking the motivation. Only he can make things happen. And leaving your family to do it isn't the answer either. His sister told him what is success, fortune and stuff if you lose your family over it. He says he doesn't want to be a failure.

He sounds sad and lonely... I do miss him a lot. Only good thing is the OW lives ten hours away and he will be coming here on the weekends so she won't be seeing him anytime soon.

#1192901 10/06/04 11:23 AM
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I am just so sick of this... This morning I go online to pay some on my husbands cellphone bill and I saw how many minutes he talked last night. He talked over 3 hours. He called me from work and talked about 30 minutes he wanted to tell the boys goodnight and stuff. That was the last I heard from him. Well I guess talking to the OW is more important to him.

I feel so unwanted. I keep telling him I could understand wanted to get away for a little time for himself to think. But I can't accept or understand the fact that he still is calling her. How is that giving him time to think? He said I just wanted someone to talk to. I was tired and stuff. So that makes it ok to call the homewrecker... He said well I can't talk to you... I told him she is the last person he should be discussing our problems and stuff with... He said whatever... Then again he blames the crap on me.. Said since I am snooping into his minutes that just makes him not want to stop calling her... I don't think he will ever grow up.. He is like a little child right now.

He told me to do whatever I wanted.. Said he would call me later.. I told him not to bother as long as she is a part of his life ... I didn't want to be a part of it and hung up on him... I realize he is nothing but a liar,cheat and uncaring at this time in his life... He will never change as long as I continue to be there like I am... So it is time I remove myself out of his life until he decides to be the husband I deserve,.. If not then he wasn't the man I thought anyway... If he can look at himself in the mirror each day and be ok with what he is doing then let him.

#1192902 10/06/04 11:31 AM
Joined: May 2004
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SML - I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. If you're anything like me the pregnancy is starting to zap all your energy and that just makes everything 10 times worse. You need to come up with a plan. Maybe Plan B or just go dark, but either way you need to have some course of action planned out.

Have you given any more thoughts to exposing to OW's father? As a parent, I am sure he will want to know. This is not a healthy relationship for a 20 year old college student to be involved in.

#1192903 10/06/04 11:50 AM
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Kloe,
I am to the point where they can have each other.. If they want to live a lie then let them... Her father will eventually find out...I will probably go dark soon. He is planning on coming up this weekend...But that may be a perfect time for the kids and me to take a little weekend trip or something... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess he thinks he is going to call her and be her sweet little man during the week and come home to me on the weekends like he is doing nothing wrong...Guess trying to get the best of both worlds without really being responsible. Well I won't accept scraps.. I am worth more than that... I may talk to my parents tonight about borrowing some money to see a lawyer soon.

#1192904 10/06/04 11:57 AM
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Also lately I do feel very tired and worn out. I have less than 8 weeks to go... The baby is very high and seems to be constantly stuck around my ribs.. Very painful. I can't sit for long periods and even when I lay down it's still not comfortable. My husband doesn't really say much about my pregnancy ...It's like he pretends it doesn't exist or something. We finally both decided on a name. I picked the first name which will be Chloe and we both decided on the middle name of Grace. My mom really likes it. I haven't had any real problems with my pregnancy other than really bad acid reflux. I have a constant buring in my throat... Of course a lot of people say that means the baby has a lot of hair.. Also last time they took blood they said I am anemic..

#1192905 10/07/04 12:08 AM
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Also lately I do feel very tired and worn out. I have less than 8 weeks to go... The baby is very high and seems to be constantly stuck around my ribs.. Very painful. I can't sit for long periods and even when I lay down it's still not comfortable. My husband doesn't really say much about my pregnancy ...It's like he pretends it doesn't exist or something. We finally both decided on a name. I picked the first name which will be Chloe and we both decided on the middle name of Grace. My mom really likes it. I haven't had any real problems with my pregnancy other than really bad acid reflux. I have a constant buring in my throat... Of course a lot of people say that means the baby has a lot of hair.. Also last time they took blood they said I am anemic..

#1192906 10/07/04 12:21 AM
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i just wanted to say that the OW in my case was 20 (turned 21 in august, it would seem she just turned 20 when they met) and still lived at home. her parents knew and they weren't doing anything. the mom actually told me that they liked my H and afterall if he's made up his mind..........but at least i "exposed" to them and am not constantly wondering "if only i had told them, maybe it would have made a difference," that i could not have lived with.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

#1192907 10/07/04 12:41 AM
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He called at the office.. I pretty much argued with him again... Told him I felt like he was offering me scraps and expected me to take them.. He laughed and said whatever... I said well that is how I feel.. He said so your telling me the only thing really bothering you about me taking time away is me still calling her.. I said yes... He said I know it's wrong and I will do something about it... Of course his words mean nothing right now.. He said when I called the first thing out of my mouth this morning was about him calling her.. I told him I was really upset and stuff.. He said that it just put on on the defensive...

I told him just truly think about the things he has done with her.. Think about how he expects me just to accept their relationship like it is ok... I said then think about what you told me before you left.. About needing time away and needed to do this for yourself to see what kind of man you really are.. I said you told me you wanted to take time to focus and stuff without wasting your time calling her.. I said after you think about those things... Ask yourself if it is right... He said I know .. I am sorry...

Sorry seems to be his favorite word these days.. He says it then continues to do the same thing he said sorry about...Like a little child does... I told him I didn't want him to come up this weekend.. He said I am coming if you like it or not... I told him then I may not be there... He said do whatever...

#1192908 10/06/04 09:08 PM
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You know Chloe can also be spelled Kloe!!!

I really think something has to change in your situation, you can't go on like this. You don't need this stress in your life right now, well really ever, but right now especially. I think going to your Mom's this weekend with the kids would be a good idea. Or even better going by yourself and leaving him with the kids. Let him play grown up for once.

I'm going to the Sugarloaf Craft Festival in Gaithersburg this weekend. Hopefully I can get some of my Christmas shopping out of the way. I don't know if you've ever been but it's great. A ton of vendors.

#1192909 10/06/04 09:48 PM
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Hi SML

Why is is coming home already? I would follow kloe's advice and not be there this weekend. Way too pianful. I've done the weekend thing for 3 months and it sucks royally. I stop eating on Friday when I knew he was coming and then he picked fights every Sunday as he was getting ready to go back to OW. An absolute nightmare that put me into Plan B, which is GREAT! I'm trying to keep from slipping and maybe it rattled Fogman a little, so we'll see.

The point is, he cannot just freely come and go as he pleases. He has left and needs to have some boundaries now. Think about it. Will he be sending you money?

#1192910 10/07/04 10:16 AM
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SML - How are you doing this morning? Any thoughts about what you are going to do from here?

#1192911 10/07/04 04:11 PM
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Kloe,
Today has not been so bad. Last night was the worst. All day long I just felt like crying. My husband called me and talked about 2 hours but it wasn't good. He told me he wasn't going to stop contact with her because he didn't want to. That he no longer feels the way a husband should feel for me but he cares for me. That he thinks a divorce is the best for both of us. I know it is fog talk but it still hurts. I also know now that somehow I got to find the strength to remove myself from it.

He hung up about 11:30 and I fell right to sleep. About 2 in the morning I was dreaming about being in pain and I woke up with this really bad pain in my stomach.. I was scared I didn't want to wake him but I decided to call anyway... So I called about 2:15 am.. And I got the beep that he is already talking to someone.. Her... That hurt so much more.. I called him back about three times.. Finally he picked up and asked if everything was ok.. I said no but don't worry about it.. I will handle it.. I asked him why he was calling her he said he didn't realize how late it was and he is trying work his way to NC. He says that is what they were discussing.. Whatever... LIES LIES LIES...

This morning he called to check up on me.. I just feel drained. I have been short with my three year old... I don't mean to be.. My mom is coming down tonight and spend the night with me.. We will probably watch movies or something. I kinda wanted to be alone but I realize that everytime I get depressed I push everyone away.. And I know I can't continue to do that.

As far as my plan. I really don't know yet. I keep saying to myself when he calls just let the kids talk and then hang up.. But I always end up talking to him and then we get into arguments about the OW and him leaving and then he gets annoyed and says goodbye.. I think that the best thing for me to do is just let the boys talk to him and just try to keep contact with him limited.

He feels he isn't confused. But what father says things like this? The kids are little they have no emotions... They will be ok. I grew up without a father and they can do it also. This is all about me.. what I want right now. As long as they know I love them that is all that matters... I said actions speak louder than words... But he feels as long as I tell them he loves them that is all they need...

This is not the man I married ... He says that he is dead.. I think my hope is gone... I don't see him coming home anytime soon.. So I guess my only option is to try to move on the best I can.. I just can't seem to focus though. All I think about is him and her... And a lot of why's.....

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