The past few days I've been wondering something. We all know how easy it is to have an A when our LB$ for our S's become depleated.

I know many BS's here are getting to the point where they miss having someone around and being in a loving R.

Being that it goes against the MB principles and legally it's still not allowed I wonder how many people on here have started to date again but don't say because they know it's not the right thing to do and are afraid to make themselves look bad to others on here.

I know I've had pressure from both friends and family to move on and start trying to meet people. This pressure coupled with the lack of feeling special to the one you love can leave us vulnerable from advances from others or even seeking solace with another person.

I know I'm fighting the earge to do this now. I'm very lonely and I know others here are as well. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I don't expect anyone to respond saying that they are in another R but still hoping their S will want them back.

I know it's a bad thing. You would basically just be using anyone you went out with to fulfill the needs that aren't being fulfilled by your own WS and that's not fair to anyone. Not to mention wrong since you are still legally married.

I guess I'm trying to convince myself not to stray right now. It's hard. My LB$ is almost gone. I found out that H and I aren't eligible to get a D for another 2 months. Not that I want one really. I go back and forth on that. I don't know. I guess I'm still confused. Which also tells me that falling for someone right now is a bad idea.

I'm going to see my H tomorrow afternoon to close our joint bank account. We've had a lot of trouble with it going negative for no apparant reason so it's the best for both of us I guess. I sometimes wish I could just close off the LB$ between us because it's close to going negative itself.

I hope I don't get too many 2x4's with this post. I'm sure others on here are probably feeling the same way right now. It's not like it's a feeling like you want to get back at you S for what they did. It's more about lonliness. Personally I don't think it's a good idea to date people when you're on the rebound. I guess I'm just thinking that I know how easy it can be to want to feel the way you did before all of the pain began.

I can relate Ivory...I have male clients, training partners, and strangers like who treat me like I'm a goddess and would do anything for me. Sometimes, I wonder why I am waiting for someone who has treated me like dirt for so long when my LB is being deposited left and right by extremely nice (and single) men. But then I remember back to all the positive memories I have had with WH and the TRUE LOVE I have for him. I have been efactuated with guys before but never had felt "love" until I met my WH 5 years ago. I believe my marriage is something worth fighting for even though the man I fell in love with is buried beneath this evil weakling of a man.

What I have been told and I keep reminding myself is FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Our emotionals are way too vulnerable right now and there are a lot of shady guys who would probably jump on the opportunity to receive physical satisfaction from a women "on the rebound". My dad of all people warned me about this.

Keep your chin up...in time, we will feel loved again and our love bank will be out of debt.

-K

(((((ivy))))))

I think what you're feeling right now is very common. And I'm quite sure that there are plenty of people out there who are doing it, I personally did not and I'm glad that I didn't.

Unfortunately, I've seen too often the price of filling that lonely void left.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

II

I also felt this way when I was alone and in plan B. In fact I almost did go out with someone. And to boot, I had more married men flirting and hitting on me than single men. Now that was the real kicker. Mostly because it showed me how easily A's happen. I could have said yes to any one of them and then I would have been the OW hurting someone's kids. I never did. I have remained faithful to my H, and I am actually proud of it. There was a time when I was where you are not long ago, and I never thought I would be where I am now, and I forget that sometimes. I think you should remain alone, because in the end if you get to recovery then you can say you remained faithful also, even if it was hard and lonely.

Prayers.

HINY

ivoryivy, there are people on here dating again, though they're not quite divorced.

I can see both sides of the issue.

If you're sure you're done and only the paperwork remains to be finished...I think the biggest harm is to yourself..not the infidelity aspect. You are still working on yourself..trying to make yourself a better person so you won't fall into the same traps as you did with your first marriage. You also risk hurting your new love prospect very badly as you are still working through "baggage".

But if you've been Plan A or Plan B..it is so draining. There is definitely an allure to someone making you feel wanted again. Instead of someone getting as far away from you as possible, someone is trying to get as close to you as possible. Who doesn't enjoy that?

I advise against the dating..but ya know, I have the same thoughts as you. My husband has an affect on my self-esteem whether I like it or not. My HEAD knows that I don't deserve this...my head knows that I'm a good and attractive person, that in my future there will be someone who wants me completely. But there's a little piece of me who just taunts, "not good enough, not good enough"..when someone new comes along and shows you that you ARE good enough...MORE than good enough--it's very hard to resist that.

Just use your brain, and not the "lost little girl", o'kay?

ivory:

No 2x4, just a 2uestion:

Do YOU love YOU?

...far more valuable than getting attention from someone who knows your M is in trouble, isn't it?

Most of the time, MBers will advise something like "change the subject", because dwelling on the loneliness is what makes you vulnerable 2 inappropriate attention at this time.

Remember, there's an important difference between loneliness and soli2de.

best,
-ol' 2long

I'll bite.....

This should be fun. Although, I've shared most of this story on another thread, now may be a decent time to share it again.

I met someone in Junish/Julyish. We were friends. (Just friends, promise....) She knew the full story, and knew that I wasn't going to date until I was divorced. (Of course at this time, I thought WW was going to file for D July 1, and I'd be D'd by mid-August at the latest. Is Christmas here, yet?) We went to see the fireworks on the 4th of July. The extent of our physical relationship was a handshake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But no matter the hell I'd been through, I could not justify it to myself, even when I tried.

Strangely enough, my friends were 100% "supportive" of me.

Luckily, I quickly saw some Jekyll/Hyde tendencies and ran away screaming from her. (Not really.) Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened had I met somebody who was more "stable." She kinda backed off, too, which helped.

In a strange way, it helped me see into WW's mind, even if only to 1/164th of the levels she's gone too.......

That said, let's touch on some points.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know many BS's here are getting to the point where they miss having someone around and being in a loving R.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. I'll try to get more into detail in this later. In all honesty, I miss my WW at times. I also realize that there is very little, if anything that I do, that isn't something I really enjoy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Being that it goes against the MB principles and legally it's still not allowed I wonder how many people on here have started to date again but don't say because they know it's not the right thing to do and are afraid to make themselves look bad to others on here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does go against all things MB, but legally, you can do whatever you want. It's those pesky morals that jump in the way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it's a bad thing. You would basically just be using anyone you went out with to fulfill the needs that aren't being fulfilled by your own WS and that's not fair to anyone. Not to mention wrong since you are still legally married.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, a little yes, and no. Having someone else fill your needs is a consequence of the actions of your WS. It will happen at some point in time, probably sooner than any of us imagine. It's up to us to determine what is right for each of us, and for me, to not allow this to happen before I get a D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I'm trying to convince myself not to stray right now. It's hard. My LB$ is almost gone. I found out that H and I aren't eligible to get a D for another 2 months. Not that I want one really. I go back and forth on that. I don't know. I guess I'm still confused. Which also tells me that falling for someone right now is a bad idea.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I go back and forth on the D thing as well. When it gets to be really hard on me, I just remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be. It might not make sense, it certainly isn't comfortable, but it is where He wants me to be, right now. I won't be here forever, so I do the best I can....

Don't get involved with someone right now. It is way more headache and heartache than you or your potential SO want or need.

I'll take your post in a different direction and try to explain my current thoughts/fears about the future. Obviously, if WW and I would reconcile, my trust is going to be a huge issue. But what if we get D'd? Am I going to be able to "take the plunge" again? Someone says they love me, acts lovingly towards me. So what? So did WW, and look where that is now. That is a huge concern for me, and how that may hinder a future R. Fun stuff, eh?

Good rambling post, and something that I don't think gets touched on (so to speak) enough around here.

Happy I could ramble back at you.

Ethan

tfm is right, adultery is not illegal.

Except in places like Turkey. I found it interesting last week, while watching BBC news in Italy, that one of the reasons that Turkey has been denied membership in the EU is that adultery is still illegal there.

Perhaps the punishment is particularly severe - I really don't know.

But here, I think it's important 2 remember that though people pretty much can do whatever they want, including having an A, that just because something is legal doesn't make it expedient.

Having an A may be "fun" for a time, but it won't get your spirit where it needs 2 go in the long haul. The path 2 enlightenment that takes one THROUGH an A is far more tor2uos (pun intended) than one without.

Just my humble atheistic opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

2long, I do love myself but I can see that since this happened with my H I have been very self concious. I don't think it helped that H told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore and that may have damaged my self image but for the most part I know he was wrong. If my face ever clears up I know I'm not bad looking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

tfm, I know how you feel about getting married again. I feel the same way right now. What really sucks is that I want a family. Nowadays you can have that without being married but I don't know, none of this feels right.

ivory:

"I do love myself but I can see that since this happened with my H I have been very self concious. I don't think it helped that H told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore and that may have damaged my self image but for the most part I know he was wrong. If my face ever clears up I know I'm not bad looking."

Even if it doesn't...

Make sure that you're not self-conscious because you derive your sense of self from what others think of you, including (maybe even especially) your H.

Your true self is beautiful, whatever you look like on the outside.

-ol' 2long

Ivory...that is just wrong of your WH to say that. You are beautiful...believe it! It is very easy to doubt ourselves though...I, too, doubted whether H found me attractive anymore although he confirmed otherwise.

What I do still struggle with is that I have somehow let my WH down...why would he want to end this marriage otherwise?

It sucks that we deal with these insecurities because of sh*t our WS's have done that has everything to do with themselves, not us. I think this is why it is so important to focus on ourselves, self discovery, rather than spending so much emotional energy on our WS.

-K

Im probably going to get some 2x4s for this but if u need a confidence boost from the opposite sex, just get into a chat room and flirt your a$$ off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It will do wonders for your confidence and its fun and "safe". Just make sure it stays that way !

Incidently I am not advocating private messaging but finding a fun chat room and flirting on teh main channel. there are plenty of married people who, advisedly, dont take private chats. You can do this, have fun, be boosted without the possible complications that private chat could bring.

Enjoy!

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

IVY...

As a FWH, my BS is already doing some of what you're tempted to do...somewhat - she started an A before D-Day and the discovery of my multiple A's.

But...
Where I have been in Plan A trying to win her back, have NC with my OW (or ANY W for that matter!), and am Love Banking her as much as I can...

She is still seeing her OM.

And I can tell you that even though that R started BEFORE D-Day, it's only continuing now because she NEEDS that distraction and validation. Even though she and I have very nice times (and some intimacy) together, she craves getting those things from a man who HASN'T destroyed her.

I can see in her that it's empty calories and is only serving to confuse her further, and she knows it. But she's afraid to let go of that one small shred of "normalcy."
She will eventually realize it's not making things better and will dump him (I hope, and suspect).

My advice? Don't do it. It will only confuse you further, and it may not be fair to a decent new man who will then get mixed up in your current drama and probably will fade from view very soon.

Also, it sends a message to your WH that you really AREN'T interested in working things out. If that's the message you want to send, go for it.

Debbra:

WHACK!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Debbra,

Whack! Whack!

Ivy, you've been all grown up and on your own, um, let's see... never.

Learn to be your own best friend first. Don't buy into any of the "you complete me" jive. Complete yourself. I think perhaps you have not really done this in your life, and having a relationship would distract you from doing it right.

I hate to bring this up, but I feel like it may be in the back of your mind. The thing that you did when it was all going very very bad for you. Are you over the pain and guilt of that experience? I'm so sorry, honestly, but it seems it may be relevant for you still. Is it?

GC

Ivory, think about the people who think an awful lot of you. For me it's my children. When my WW encourages me to consider evening the score to lessen her guilt I suppose, I just think of my kids. Perhaps for you it's your folks or good friends. Don't sell yourself short. Besides you need to give your M every chance.

My parents have warned me to be careful of guys that are preying on someone in my situation but I've been told by both my parents and friends to try and find a nice person.

Also, that thing that happened before still weighs on me but it wasn't the type of thing that I was thinking about. Not that I want this other thing to happen, but there are so many things that I miss. I guess I just wanted to talk about it here because I figured this was the best place to talk with others that might be feeling the same way. I applaud all of the BS's here that are staying committed to their marriages. I want to do that too. I was just thinking that there might be people on here that are hiding relationships because they are too scared to be 2x4'd on here.

As to online chatting. I really believe that that leads to A's far too often and being that I've met almost all of my bf's as well as my H online I know I'm prone to that sort of thing.

Ivory, with all due respect there are all types of situations on this board. People have posted regarding revenge affairs but I really don't remember anybody beating them up. Mostly they receive encouragement to end any relationship that threatens the marriage. After all that's why we're all here. Until you have completely given up saving your M, I think you ought to keep yourself focused. Another relationship wouldn't be satisfying it would be confusing. Out of all the fogging things me W said to me that is one of the things that sticks with me. She told me having feelings for two people is very confusing. I have a tremendous amount of empathy for the WS's on this board but I looking through their glasses nothing entices me to join that club. Not that I'm above doing that but it just seems like the pain and regret is quick to follow. I'm not trying to oversimplify a very difficult situation but please just keep hanghing in there until the end. And hopefully it will be a happy ending. Remember the shoe could be on the other foot and then you would be praying that H would be doing the right thing and not meeting your replacement.

i totally agree. i just thought i'd bring it up here to see how others are dealing with it.

i meet with my h tomorrow. it may only be for a few minutes and you can bet I'm going to plan a the best i can. he hasn't mentioned a D yet so I guess that's good. I never know what will come up with him though so I'm trying to prepare myself.

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

My FWWs OM preyed upon her at a time when I was emotionally distant and she was vulnerable for many reasons.

That didn't lead to happiness for anyone, not even OM.

I don't think I could've have stayed loveless for long though, if my FWWs fog hadn't begun to drop soon.

I haven't spent a minute without the love and affection of my FWW since I was a teenager.