Hi K,

is he living at home again???

Do you have the possibility to "go away" together for awhile???

I remember right after d-d, my husband and I went away for the weekend. I was the one that sorta forced this.
My husband was completely in the fog but the weekend ended to be beautifull and very romantic.

We did this very often after d-d and therefore I believe he was out of the fog very quickly.

I don't think that it is possible to "trust completely" at this stage so I guess you will still have to listen to your intuition and snoop.
(yupp, I did that alot and I did end up finding things <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

But I do believe that my husband ended all contact after d-d.
I made it very clear to my husband that I would "NEVER" accept a third person in our marriage. If he needed OW for his happyness, I would let him go. (this was when I wanted to leave to go back to Cdn)

But I was Plan Aing my butt off too. I couldn't think of a thing he could of been missing so therefore the urge to see OW slowly but surely went away.

We kept ourselves very busy. We went out alot and we talked alot. I made sure that the talking envoirment was comfortable and easy-going.
I too showed the best "me". Even though I didn't know about MB I know I did the right thing.

My husband tells me many times that the way I was really got him thinking and he was shocked even more for what he did.

We too had alot of SF but have "you" thought about STD'S????
Please think about this seriously, it's important.

Have you found out what your husbands most important "EN" are right now???
Do you know what "feelings" he got out of the affair??? I think this is very important.

My husband loved the feelings of :appreciation, admiration.

Even though "I could of hit him with a bat" many times, I did listen to what he was telling me and I became aware of how important this is for him to feel appreciated and admired.


It took quit awhile but I am getting what I need the most too. At times, I felt like "giving up" because I felt so alone but my effort did pay.

I'm feeling so good about myself and my husband and I are happier than we ever were.
We appreciate the fact that I was the strong one when he was weak and we're mostly happy when we think that we have "climbed this mountain" together.

If we have made it this far, we are capable of much more.

K, I'm thinking of you and I know you can make it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Hello bb.....

Thanks for your reply.

We were gone all day yesterday. We went scuba diving with friends. Had a good time.

So many things I am unsure of. I continue to snoop. I would like to say to WH "please be honest and let me know if you have contacted OW, or if she has contacted you."

But I haven't said anything like that. I'm just trying to keep upbeat.

Last night after we got home, I gave him a wonderful back rub, and he fell asleep. Just trying to make him feel good I guess.

I want to say ILY a lot, but have only responded with ILY when he says it first.

He seems kind of down, and thoughtful.

I guess I'm kind of stuck for what to do right now.

Oh yes, I know all about STD's. That's how WH got caught in his A. I contracted herpes from him in May. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But of course, he said at that time that I didn't get it from him. And of course, he took blood tests that said he was in the acute phase himself.

I guess I really need to talk to Steve H again. I think I'll call right now and make an appointment.

Thanks for your concern. It really means a lot.

K

Hi K,
it sounds good so far............ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Do you ever make time to "talk a little"??

I mean from time to time we did start to talk about ourselves. Not especially about the affair but what we were expecting from a relationship and about our dreams and plans for the future.

I made sure that "talking time" was fun time and I didn't go into talking "heavily about the affair" very quickly.
My husband was "down and very quiet" at the beginning right after d-d. I didn't pressure....

I too made sure that we had alot of "fun time" together. We did alot of massaging (no sex.......well not all the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
we took alot of "bubble baths" together with candles and wine.

We went out alot to cozy restaurants and for long walks.
Alot of hugging and touching was involved at this time. (it's actually almost stayed that way)

I tryed not to "glue" to my husband and therefore I was out alot.

And I too snooped alot. This has stopped now but at the beginning I was almost peronoid with my snooping. I did find things though so I confronted him everytime too.

I would say that I put myself in the shoes of an OW. I even acted like an OW. (I hope this doesn't sound too wierd)
I did about everything a OW would do just to make my husband happy. But I did make it a "Clear Point" that I would not accept any contact whatsoever with OW!!!!

I told my husband that I would learn to "accept & forgive" what I cannot change but I would have to depend on his "honesty".

If he wasn't going to give me "honesty & openness" then he just didn't deserve me and if he still was seeing OW, then he was getting what he really did deserve. I told him that I could not force him to be honest but he might want to consider how "Free, honesty, would make him feel !" This really got him thinking.

It took awhile but my husband did come out of the fog and he is the BEST husband I could ever dream of.

I got alot of support from him once he was out of the fog and withdrawel. He "payed me back" what I had given him at the time when he was weak. Therefore I know that my efforts were worth it all.

But K, you know your husband the best and if you can talk with SH, he'll know what to do.

take care
bb

Hi bb....

I just got off the phone with WH.

I told him that he could call me anytime he needed to, and that I would be here for him.

He said he had a bad time yesterday afternoon. He was feeling kind of lonely. I said that I could see that, and that I understood.

I told him the only thing I could use to understand how he feels now is my experience from this past May.

He said he knew, and knew that I had to go thru that alone. I told him to remember that he is not alone, that I am here for him.

I also told him that he could call me anytime he felt the urge to call OW. He said he is not going to call her.

I said something about her trying to contact him (they work in the same building). He said he's going to do what he needs to do at the office this a.m., then go out to their marine station and work down there....

I think I will send him an e-mail at work with love and support. That's all I can give him right now. Bubble baths and candles and wine sounds good too.

Thanks bb, I really appreciate you being here for me. This is very scary for me.

K

K,

he's not "living at home" is he???? Have you discussed this with him yet????

How about inviting him over for a "Bubble bath & wine?? But send him home after that! Just to give him a "taste of good old home!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know how scary this is, K..............I know! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> but still I think smiling and showing you "shiny side" will do no harm. Just make sure that you have told him "your boundaries!!!" This is important.

Make sure to take the best care of yourself!!!!
Get your hair done, nails done and buy yourself new outfits. Do everything you can to make yourself happy and to feel good about yourself.
And remember, YOU ARE BETTER THAN ANY OW!!!!!
You have it all within yourself and MUCH MORE!!!!!

I think you are doing a good job and I think it's important and a good thing that you told your husband that you are there when he needs you. He's confused and still not thinking clear, be aware of that. Even if you might not think this is true, it is!!!!

take care
bb

PS: keep up with your Plan A and you are going to startle that "old dog!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

bb....

Yes, WH is coming home every night. He has to sign off on his apartment today. He hasn't moved all of his things back home yet, just some clothes and stuff. I think he has to be out by the 15th.

I am trying to keep up on myself. Have already bought lots of new clothes. I must say, that I look pretty good for a 53 year old!

WH at one point told me that I am a lot better looking than OW. She is about 45 years old.

I sent WH an e-mail already saying that "I know this is hard for you, but that I am here for you anytime, anywhere. See you this evening. How about another massage?"

I plan to have candles, a drink, and a bubble bath ready for him when he gets home. With a great massage afterwards.

He knows my boundaries. I told him at one point when we talked that if he starts up with OW again, then it is over between us. I don't think I can be any more clear than that.

Taking all into account, I think everything is going okay. I also feel very lonely. I thought all my feelings for WH were just about gone, but now I hurt a lot again.

Keeping strong.

K

K,

don't overload him with messages............it might be too much for him at the beginning.

But if he's "coming home anyways" tonite....well how about letting him "find you" in the tub.

Don't prepare it for him.........let him "join" you while you are in there.

Don't forget the "soft music"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> candles, wine...

Think, K..........he will see your actions, therefore you don't have to do too much talking.
Do what you feel is appropriate and "try out new things!". I myself became very experimental in sexuality. I really must of blew my husbands mind at times but he liked it. (so did I)
At first I was embarrassed but then I thought: What do I have to loose???

I had "held back" for many years because I didn't trust myself to "live out my fantasies" but I now realize that these were "lost years".

I know what I want and I know that it's a matter of doing it and I know that my husband "loves these sides of me".

I hope I'm making sence and I hope I am not "offline" in your situation. I'm just trying to tell you to "show him new sides" and make yourself "mysterious". My husband was "facinated" and he still is.

take care
bb

bb....

I think you are right on line in this.

I also think the things I held back on for so many years of our marriage (because of embarrassment) were similar to your situation.

I really do want this to go well.

WH just called. I asked him how his day was going. He said it was okay. I asked him if he saw or talked to OW today. He said he saw her walk by, but just laid low, and she kept to herself too.

I wanted to ask him more, but just changed the subject instead.

I will try your idea. Hopefully, he will like it.

Thanks again, K

K,

how did things go??

bb <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi bb....

Well, I really don't know how things went.

When WH got home last night, I had dinner fixed, a drink fixed, and had myself all fixed up too.

He paid some of his bills. Didn't really have a whole lot to say.

After he was done, I was sitting outside, and he came out there. We talked for a while.

He's kind of pulling back on some of the things he said he was going to do. He doesn't want to move his things out of his apartment right now.... he said it's paid up til the end of the month. He just doesn't care.

And he said he had band practice tonight (Tuesday). Before he said he wanted me to start singing backup with the band. Now, he said I really didn't need to come to this practice.

This morning, however, he said that he would call me and I could come down there if I wanted.

I'm feeling very scared right now. Don't really know what to do or say.

After we talked last night, I went in and got the bubble bath going, with music and candles. He didn't want to join me though. He went to bed.

I just wish I knew what was going on with him. It really does make me feel unsure.

K

K,
talk with Steve Harley ASAP!!!!

I don't have any advise for you. I am "feeling" with you though and I know how bad and insecure this makes us "BS" feel. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Don't kling on to him and don't pressure. Do your things and take good care of yourself.

Is it possible in any way to have a "comfortable" talk with him, right now??? Does he "back off" and "close up" completely when discussions about "feelings" come up???

How does he "react" when you are "sad and when pain" comes up within yourself???(do you cry when he is around??)
If he isn't aware of that right now, I'm more than sure that he is in "withdrawel and still foggy" and therefore he is struggling so much with himself right now.

I've asked you before but I'll ask again. Is there a possibility to go away with your husband for a few days??? Just the 2 of you.


But K, I still think it's important for him to know that you will stick to "your plans" and he has to stick to his. This is where I think SH can help you out. I really don't know what to do in your situation without pressuring.

You told him what you needed and he knows about that. If you are now feeling that he is "backing off" from this it could become a problem.(talk with SH about this)

You once mentioned that your husband is depressive. Does he take medication for this???
He seems to be depressed from what you wrote.

hugs
bb

Hi bb...

WH takes Wellbutrin. I don't think he's been taking it regularly though.

I asked him if we could go to the beach this weekend, or up to the big city. He said he didn't know, that he was planning on going hunting this weekend.

He said he thought hiking around in the woods would help him. Then he asked if I wanted to go with him. I said I would like that.

I started a new thread about coping with withdrawl. Mainly because WH said he felt worse knowing that I'm kind of scared right now.

I have an appointment with SH tomorrow morning.

I'm sure he'll help a lot.

Thanks for your help and concern. It really does help me.

K

Hi K,

good that you are going to talk with SH. I wonder what he is going to tell you. Please keep us updated.

I'd still like to share with you that even though this is a very "scary" part of "recovery" it does get better.

Your situation really gets me thinking and I will "never" forget the feelings and emotions I was going through right after d-d. I was terrified and so alone.
I found out about Marriage Builders a year later.

It is amazing though, how much a person can take, isn't it??? Love makes so much possible, it's amazing.
I never would of believed that.

I'm sorry for babbling but I just want to get this out of my system. This helps me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My husband as well as OW had a great childhood. Wonderfull parents and they were pampered throughout their childhood. They are both easy-going and not "deep thinkers or worriers". They took life as it came.
My husband was the last of 5 children and there was a great age difference. So you could call him a single child. Spoiled to death.
OW too.

I and OWH had a hard childhood. We both came from families where the parents got divorced. We are both "deep thinkers" and we tend to worry.

This was put against both of us at the time of the affair. It really bothered my husband as well as OW. They believed that "OWH and I" would be the "Perfect" match and they joked about that alot.

This really hurt me to the bottom of my heart at that time but within time and the further we were in recovery the better I felt about "me" and the way I am.

My husband has "switched" so much and he has became a "Deep thinker" himself. ......He has actually come to understand that my qualities were what it took to make a relationship grow.Just because I didn't just "give up" and just because I did alot of thinking..........I was always concerned not to ever "hurt" my husband and never to get myself into trouble.

He has told me that he always had tooken this for granted but he now realizes that we never would of made it this far in our life and marriage if these qualities had not of been there.

What he believed at the time of his affair and during withdrawel and foggyness was complete "Nuts" because it was "me" that always knew what direction I wanted to go and due to "my deep thinking" I had always shared my thoughts and worries with him and this had always helped him see things from a different point of view.

He had always believed that this was "fighting" from my side but he has learned that it was me trying to POJO without even knowing it. I was always open and honest and I always wanted to share my thought with him.

He always took this for granted. I don't know why I am sharing this with you and I hope I am making a little sence, K.

I'm just trying to explain that shortly after d-d, I felt sooooooooooo low about myself and I lost all the trust and pride for myself. I thought I was one complete "failure"............

Boy was I wrong!!!!!!

I as well as you and most BS have all the reasons in the world to be prowd of ourselves even if we make mistakes and even if we are not perfect.

K, you are so strong even though you may not realize it right now. You are going through all these emotions and still you are bringing up the "strength" to worry about your husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Believe me, this is something very special, K! Because nowadays the majority tend to "RUN" when problems become "overwhelming".
So you stick to your Plan and stay on track!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I wish you the best tomorrow when you talk to SH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks bb.....

I guess the thing that has me scared the most is the fact that I was doing so well. Got back my self-esteem (which is not normally very good for me) and have gained a lot of strength and pride in myself.

I think that I let WH dictate how I felt about myself.

I had gotten to the point where I could make it on my own. I was not worried about that.

But since WH came home, and is so down, now I begin to mistrust my feelings. And all those feelings I had after I found out about the A are coming back - just like opening an old wound.

I still listen to WH talk about and defend OW. I hope he comes out of this soon. He said she will have nothing to do with him now, that she will not try to contact him.

I know she will.....she did before when he broke up with her. But he says that was all his doing - that he contacted her. But I know that is not true.

It's all so confusing. I have all these feelings, and don't feel like I can share them with him. It makes him feel worse. And yet he continues to be worried about how OW feels - "it's killing her" he told me. How does he know this?

Yes, I will be glad to talk to Steve Harley tomorrow. Maybe he can give me some insight.

I really do want to thank you for posting to me...your concern and your thoughts really do help me.

Thanks again....K

Just keep on keeping on. This is really hard on your husband. You have to be the lighthouse and show him the way home.

I know it does not seem fair, but that is the way it is. So hang in there, and have faith that this will work out.

Thanks Believer.....

I'm giving it my best...with a few little glitches.

WH called this evening while on his way to band practice. We had a good conversation. I tried to stay very upbeat.

I am also bummed about something else....nothing to do with WH. We went scuba diving this past weekend. I had a hard time with clearing my ears.

I had the doctor I work for look in them today, and it appears that my ear drum is perforated!

WH and I talked about that a lot. He's had the same thing happen to him before. Then he told me about how he went to his apartment this afternoon, and signed his release papers. He should be out in two weeks, tops.

We laughed about how his landlady told him that she was moving out too to manage some new apartments. That if things didn't work out with us, she would be glad to rent him another apartment.

When WH found out how much they cost, he told her he would have to move a woman into every room in order to afford it!

That was funny! NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'll just keep keepin' on. It's the only thing I know how to do.

If it hadn't been for Dr. Harley's books and this site, it suppose I would be divorced by now.

Thanks, Believer. Pray for me! K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> Thanks bb.....

But since WH came home, and is so down, now I begin to mistrust my feelings. And all those feelings I had after I found out about the A are coming back - just like opening an old wound.

K, I think this is normal. It took "years" for me to "trust my feelings" again.
During my husbands affair, my "gut" was yelling and screaming at me and I didn't pay enough attention.
When everything came out, I was so confused that I didn't know what to believe at all anymore.

But that has changed. I have learned to trust "myself" 100%. You too will learn this again. Give it time and be good to yourself.
Right now everything is just too fresh and nothing makes sence, does it?
Until you have really hit the road to recovery, you will be a little restless inside. (normal, I think)

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">take care
bb