</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not deserve my wife.
I have been cruel and selfish
I have crossed all the boundaries that constitute honesty and decency.
I have had no regard for my children
I have disrespected my wife repeatedly
I have betrayed my wife repeatedly
I have done this with no remorse whatsoever until now.
I am a liar and a cheat.
Ok there you go I already have covered the attacks so do not bother being redundant </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spoken like a person who is STILL accepting NO responsibility on his part...and does NOT want anyone pointing out HIS faults. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

First stay the course for the remaining 4 months,of pregnancy, then paternity test then we go from there.

Here's a newsflash for you...the course you are on is DESTRUCTION. Why do you want to stay that course?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

His posts and comments are manipulative. He is losing ground manipulating his W...now he sets out to do it on this site. Unreal.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

committed

dadto..

I will worship the ground she walks on to earn back her love and pray for her trust and respect someday. It starts now. I have told OW in front of my wife

you gotta stop the nebulous mumbo jumbo...

you gotta go back to basics....
you gotta have a plan...

you gotta go to counseling NOW ...

you gotta figure out in your head what type of man, husband, father you are today this moment...and what type of man, husband, father you want to be...and then you gotta line up every action to match that image...

you gotta get real and basic...

you gotta think think think before you open your mouth...even to say pass the salt...(cause you never know when saying pass the salt will be met with it hurling at your frontal lobe.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

you gotta think this through first...

I hope you are praying for Gods Grace to guide to you....

this is your life..
it is to short and can not maintain this mass chaos you keep bringing in to it...

stop the chaos
go quiet
think think think...
no moves till you have decided that each move and action you make...
serves the marriage and the family...

get your butt in to counseling....
call the harleys....

your actions defin you.
better fix your actions...
have you quit the nursing home yet?

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> it is not too late. I am just lucky to have her. Life is unfair, I should be distraught and alone, with no life to look forward to. I am just lucky. Time will become my ally. If I am transparent time will win back her trust. The OC issue is a hurdle that as I said will be dealt with. First stay the course for the remaining 4 months,of pregnancy, then paternity test then we go from there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop counting your chickens before there hatched.....stop considering this child is even yours...if this OW was daft enough to sleep with her xbf you need to stop saying this is definatly my child.....let the paternity test tell the truth....secondly GET HELP....you want to be a good man to your wife and keep your family together....go get help....you have ALOT to work out that you will not be able to do on your own...suck it up be a man and do the thing you know you need to do....this whole situation is more for anyone to bear...and it will take alot of burden off you if you go to therapy....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
However -- if you and she did indeed bring a child into this world together, then you and she must find a way to raise that child in as healthy a manner as possible -- without harming the other three children who are also your responsibility.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Too late for this ---> "without harming the other three children"... damage done already.

Time for damage control.

A plan to stop further damage is necessary.

Number ONE way to stop further damage to 3 sons .... BUILD A SOLID MARRIAGE WITH THEIR MOTHER!

Decisions about OC issues / contact wait until the FAMILY and the MARRIAGE is once again healthy and functional.

Fix the MARRIAGE FOUNDATION first.... then take on the additional stressors of OC issues .... HUSBAND and WIFE together ... using POJA based solutions.

Until MoM is in a secure position within her marriage .... it is extremely unwise to commit to any OC solutions. POJA must come from a serene cooperative and HONEST environment in order to work. Without RADICAL HONESTY .... there is no POJA.

DAD has a very poor track record of RADICAL HONESTY.

Premature projections about OC (before paternity, before marital stability) create MORE stress and MORE crisis....

The following is my belief.

---> OC issues off the table until MARITAL STABILITY is established, and the couple is working TOGETHER in an environment where equal concern for the happiness and well-being for HUSBAND and WIFE has become a HABIT!

Pep

Dad,
Glad to see you here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have become very good friends with Mom. I can tell you that counseling IS in the picture. Mom has continued to go and I believe Dad will go.

Mom has a tremendous heart. She and I speak alot about OC. I have absoulty no doubt that Mom can handle this. I do feel though that no contact directly with OW should be there. This OW is a really bad one. She lies more than she talks I believe she is pretty pathological in her lying.
This OW has a mom that watches her other child I think Mom should be the contact person (between Mom and OW's mom) for visits. This of course IF Dad is the father. OW has made up all kinds of stupid stories regarding her pregnancy, so who the father is in my opinion is truly up for grabs. Either way, I believe Mom is strong enough to deal with it.

As far as Dad and his current commitment to the marriage. I am happy to see him admit to his behaviour it has been nothing less than deplorable, truly. Sorry Dad but I dont think I even have to say that. I believe his admission is a HUGE step. I hope he can continue forward with his family and cut this horrible woman from his life (the OW not the OC). This OW has taken the role of the wife. She has such an inappropriate sense of entitlement, frankly if I were Mom I would get a restraining order.

Well I will go back into hinding. MB is difficult to sign onto. I had to log on 3 times to post one post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> too much work for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good Luck Dad

Thanks for that post SOM ... You shed some light on the home environment.

Much appreciated.

Pep

Too late for this ---> "without harming the other three children"... damage done already.

You're right, Pep. I should've said without FURTHER harming the other three children.

Damage control -- for Dad, his kids, and Mom. However, the other human beings in this story also must be considered. Perhaps the best that can be done is nothing -- but even that can create harm.

Tough, nasty, ugly situation.

And four months in which to consider options and begin to heal.

Whatever you choose to do first, Dad, make sure it builds a solid foundation.

Stay the course means work on my marriage. No contact will be next to impossible when the child is born. Until then I plan to have minimal contact for any issues related to the child and all will be with my wife at ear shot. There will nothing to hide. As for my ego i am not stroking anything. I know my wife better than any of you, I know the bad as well as the good I am capable of. I am Through with the A, I could care less if no one believes me because we shall all see. I can understand the people who feel the need to vent at me for all I put my wife through. I love her and and she still loves me. I am on thin ice and the feeling I have this time is different. I want to make things right for my wife, I want my kids to have peace of mind. OW will have to take care of herself and she will. She has a very nice man waiting for her who she put through hell and will take her back despite her being pregnant by probably not him. She will get financial support from me for the child everything else is not my business any more except for any abusive situation with the child and I know this man is a kind person. If it becomes apparent that I must give up all rights to the child then so be it. For the record If I am the father I will do my best to be a parent to this child with my family's support. It may not be ideal but I assure you it will be far better than what many children in this situation are faced with.

Dad, I know that this is not easy for you. My prayers are with you and mom. I truly believe that you want your marriage. Also I am glad that you are thinking about the child not yet born.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

If she will go back with her XBF maybe it's be best for the OC to just have that as the intact family without your involvement. Should the paternity test prove that you are the father then you could just pay CS. It would be less confusing for the OC to start out with one father figure. It would also be less confusing to for your children to not have to compete for your attention with that OC.

I know you'd rather have one big happy family and pass the OC back and forth between you and OW. There is bound to be confusion and resentment with your own boys. As well as the constant reminder for your W.

Well, there's probably some sort of new family psychology out there to deal with this sort of Jerry Springesk dilemma.

It would be awful for this to continue on for years as in Noisgirl's situation. There seems to be no peace in her life.

You have absolutely no need to be in any contact with OW until paternity is proved, with or without M23B within earshot.

Yes if the child and my family is happier with me out of the picture then this could be the easiest way to go. OW will show up at my door with this child someday anyway, kids will find out etc she has told me this in the past.

"You have absolutely no need to be in any contact with OW until paternity is proved, with or without M23B within earshot."

I totally agree with this statement 150%. I might feel differently IF this OW was a "normal" type a person. But she is nothing but a very manipulative, lying, and frankly very cruel human being. I say this because she has used her Mother (basically dumps her other child at all hours of the day/night), her other child, who at best has a mother that he/she KNOWS is claiming Dad (a married man with 3 small kids) is the father of this unborn child (this child is 12 well aware of what this means). Instead of spending the time with this child she is too busy chasing Dad around AND her XBF, not too mention busy FLAPPING her mouth about this conquest.

Stories OW was telling just did not add up. I PUSHED Mom to call her XBF. This man was very sweet and informative to Mom. He really tried not to be "bad mouthy" in regards to OW. When Mom told him the due date (based on US) and told him when she conceived (based on LMP and US) he flipped. It seems OW gave him OTHER info trying to convince him there was NOWAY for him to be the father. SEE manipulation with EVERYONE involved. It appears she was sleeping with XBF the WHOLE month she concieved. His words "we were together alot that month Mame" Of course he is a lair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> because he is just so IN LOVE with OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He wants to pay child support for the next 18 years to a crazy woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Bottom line, there are at LEAST 2 potentional fathers here. Frankly I would not even be shocked if neither were the father of this baby. Well a paternity test will answer alot of questions.

OW knows about Mom's Dad dying. She has stopped at NOTHING to create more pain for Mom. She is trying to get mom just to throw dad out or have a nervous breakdown. She just does not stop. This is why I feel 150% that Dad have NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER with this vile person. Everything can be done through a 3rd person, BUT of course OW will not stand for it. TOO BAD SO SAD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am not even anti OW (in general) I have always had an open mind when it came to Other persons.
I would feel no different if this behviour was displayed by a BS. It is just plain crazy and Vile.

I seriously need to get some work done.

Dad, you just need to stick that OW in one of those compartments we talked about the other night and leave her there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dad,

I am one who has experienced the OC situation with my former WH and his OW.

Let me just say that it will take strong character for you to deliver on the promises you make in this situation.

Thus far, you have consistently shown everyone that your words do not match your actions.

So I have to ask, what is different now?

Jo

You have absolutely no need to be in any contact with OW until paternity is proved, with or without M23B within earshot.

EXACTLY....

anything needing to be communicated for now, go through an attorney.

PERIOD

NC so you can MARRIAGE BUILD free from OW and all her nonsense.

Pep

"No contact will be next to impossible when the child is born."

No contact is EXACTLY what your W and 3 boys need. No contact means no contact -- now, until the child is born, when the child is born, and forever afterwards.

It wouldn't suprise me if you felt an obligation to be present at the birth. I listen to Harley's radio show in the Twin Cities, and he occasionally gets calls from women whose husband got another woman pregnant. Why not call him and ask him what your obligation is to this child, to OW, to your W, to your 3 boys by your W, and to yourself?

My father gave me some amusing but very accurate advise. "If you dig yourself a hole, the first thing you should do is: STOP DIGGING!!!!" Please stop digging.

Cherished

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has a very nice man waiting for her who she put through hell and will take her back despite her being pregnant by probably not him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad to hear that this may be an agreed split. It sounds like OW is going to try to put her own life together as well.

I'm glad for that....no matter how awful and vile everyone thinks she is...she was thrown for a whirlwind for quite awhile herself...getting mixed signals along the way.

I'm not normally PRO-OW...but everyone that is involved in that current situation has suffered tremendously.

dadto3boys,

why do you want contact ? ... really ?.

unborn child ? you have 3 super hyperactive kids that need you not to mention your W.

you don't even know if this OC is yours. You want to be responsible ? ... have NC and send support to OC if it is proven it is yours.

You can't have it all and you are in danger of loosing them all.

-rh-

Betrayed,
This is far from an agreed split. This OW used this nice man the way she did everyone else.
She wants the rich one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This can no longer be about money...she got that part. The only way she doesn't get money now is if paternity proves it's not Dad's...other than that....she can seek substantial child support.

State guidelines are used as a scale, but not usually adhered to...when it statute state 17 % of gross income...did you know that takes both incomes into consideration ? His and hers.

She can also seek additional funding for recreational activity, counseling, medical care, child care...the list goes on and on.

If this woman is a vile as everyone claims...I'd be scared to death of a sexual harassment suit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
This can no longer be about money...she got that part. The only way she doesn't get money now is if paternity proves it's not Dad's...other than that....she can seek substantial child support.

State guidelines are used as a scale, but not usually adhered to...when it statute state 17 % of gross income...did you know that takes both incomes into consideration ? His and hers.

She can also seek additional funding for recreational activity, counseling, medical care, child care...the list goes on and on.

If this woman is a vile as everyone claims...I'd be scared to death of a sexual harassment suit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regarding the above in BOLD, knowing this may vary from State to State, I can tell you that when I experienced the OC situation our Attorney, who specialized in paternity, said that since my H and I were separated at the time the baby(s) were conceived (which was semi-true), I was in NO WAY FINANCIALLY LIABLE or RESPONSIBLE for the OCs in any shape or form. Which turned out to be true.

Just the voice of experience chiming in.

Jo

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>