two to be exact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Originally posted by dadto3boys:
.... When my wife looked at me and said she needed comfort and was getting it from someone else and she was ready for me to go That is when i realized I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I dropped the notion of being with OW like a lead ballon. I felt a torent of emotion for my wife that I had not felt in recent memory, This time I was not thinking I would appease my wife and secretly go back to OW. I want her(wife) back. The NH is a big POJA..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dad-2-3boys,
So your 'eyes' were opened when you felt or found out your BS has others in the wings? If she didn't where would you be now?

Not sure if your reasons are safe enough for recovery but they are nonetheless, your reasons.

Mom-2-3boys has a lot on her plate right now. Dealing with your A actions should not be something she has to deal with. What are you doing (in addition to what you outlined above) to help her restore her trust in you?

I am sure you are aware that most of the recovery work are now on your shoulders. You already admitted that your previous actions show you were also stringing a bunch of people along. How are your actions show that you are no longer using strings?

Hard questions but something a true recovering WS w/b willing to answer.

Good to see you posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I took my wife for granted that simple. I used her good nature against her to prolong my A. Yes disgusting I know. Once I saw she could go at any time and she could do better and leave me flat on my face it got real hard to justify the A. I will have no contact with OW period. Doctor visits whatever not my problem, it may not even be mine. My wife still loves me and wants our marriage as long as I follow through. She was seeing someone for the last week or two for lunch in public places, an old highschool frien d she ran into at starbucks. He was very impreesed with her from what I read in the Emails. The other is her old boyfriend who is now divorced and has kept track of her all these years because he has feelings for her. He was very upfront he wanted to kick my butt and come in and have her leave me for him. Well I now see what I have and can easily lose. I do love my wife otherwise I would have left and not come back. I always came back. Now I need her to see I am staying for good as a loving husband who will give her all my love and attention. she will get a new redefined husband who will put her needs on top and make her feel she made the right choice to stay with me. This will not be the same marriage. I thank these guys for helping me see this. they did me a favor. I know one reads these boards and my reply is kiss my [censored]. (sorry could not resist).

WOW! It always amazes me how much you guys step up to help me and dad when you see a post from one of us. Thank you all so much once again for your kind words, 2 x 4's, sarcasm and the list goes on.

I have been busy the past two days and I still have not read this entire thread. But let me assure all of you

Dad is going above and beyond what I could ever imagine or I have ever seen any other WS do for their BS since reading these boards

Ok, so we are only in day 3 of recovery so far, but from what I have SEEN so far I like. I wont go into all the details, but he has done more than expected.

We have talked ALOT the past 3 days about this, that and the other. We have stayed up til midnight and been awake at 5:00 in the morning talking. We both know we have a loooooong road to recovery, but he assures me we will get there.

When he broke it off with the OW on Friday, I expected to wake up Saturday morning and just be another day. He jumped out of bed and literally got on this computer first thing to post here and as you can see he has not stopped. I did not encourage him at all...Matter of fact I told him NOT TO POST! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I knew he would get blasted and I was afraid he would get discouraged, but here he is posting away.

He then handed me his pager and phone. I did not ask for them. He has told me he will go to any length to show me he is sorry for what he has done to me and he will make it up to me in any way, shape and form.

As for the two OM! Yes, one of my XBF from way back when tracked me down recently. I emailed him a few times and kept in touch. I have stopped emailing him, but not before I told him about this...I felt that the emails alone were bad enough. Then I ran into another old friend and we met up for lunch a few times. At that point I was ready to give up on our marriage..I know that is not to say it was right to have lunch, but I was so desperate for the things I needed from my H and I needed the support. I have told both of these OM's that I am working on our marriage now.

As for his buddy Dr. Phil, we will be taping this Thursday! They were here this weekend for the pre tapings. WE both feel that DR. Phil can offer us the right resources to help us heal properly. We are not looking for notoriety! We are aware of the publicity this will cause, but we feel we need and want his help!

Right now he is rubbing my shoulders while I type this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please give dad the strength and encouragement he needs, and a few 2x4's along the way! I know he deserves the latter, but he NEEDS the strength and so do I! Again thank you all so much!

Dad...I'm sure he wants to do something to your a$$ but kiss it is not it. I'm glad you are finally waking up!

I hope that if you ever have so much as a glance toward this monster that you choke on Mom's dust as she leaves you. I'm sorry Dad, I don't know you but there is no man on the face of this earth that would be worth what she and your boys have gone through. If you screw this one up, then you'll be getting what you deserve. Right now you're not getting what you deserve and neither is Mom. You can change that. Make yourself deserving of her...and when you find out that you're not the father, I want you to get on your knees and thank Mom for staying with you...
Why do you think the monster hit the roof when she found out that the both of you had talked with xbf...think...she's a monster and she's disrespected your wife-your precious wife and children-your precious children... You gave her what was Mom's. Now go a be a good man, a good husband and a good father...and be thankful that you've been given the chance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> above and beyond what I could ever imagine or I have ever seen any other WS do for their BS since reading these boards </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't believe I just read this.

But okay.

Does OW and her camp continue to read here?

I also wanted to point out the difference this time around. One thing is if you look back at all of dad's PREVIOUS posts, they were all centered around OW...not any mention of me in them. These posts are all about me..

Also, at home previously after he "BROKE IT OFF WITH OW" the days after he would CONSTANTLY OBSESS over her. This time, he is obsessing over ME! He is really making a difference here. He says he gets butterflies now when he sees me and touches me. Just like we were dating. I can really see the difference. Again, I know, only day 3 so far, but I believe it is a good start!

I do still have many reservations and I am extremely worried about the coming week/s! But only time will tell! Dad has come up with PLANS this time around. Before, he never had plans. Plans? What plans? Why do we need a plan for recovery? DUUUH!!!

I know this OW will stop at nothing, and dad knows he has to be prepared for this.

Dad also knows I WILL LEAVE HIM if he screws this one up. I am much stronger now and I know no matter what the outcome is, I will survive. And he knows that. One day at a time!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> Does OW and her camp continue to read here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, they never did! they dont even know about this board!

Mom,

I am glad to see you are happy and confident that you and dad have turned the corner. I am glad he sprang out of bed, as if he intends to go forward with no looking back. I am glad he has chosen No Contact.

This might work after all, eh?

~ Snow

Dr Phil is a smart man, IMO. I would venture to guess, based on the info you and dad have offered, that because OW is so aggressive, unstable and quite preditorial, that he (Dr. Phil) will recommend a restraining order.

I'd be very surprised if he didn't.

I don't know what to think about the recent jealousy and territorial feelings dad has expressed. I'm just praying for both of you and your children.

Jo

I knew there are enough love left from both of you that would overcome this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . It is a matter of following the proper steps.

-rh-

Betrayed,
It is obvious that your parents never taught you
"If you dont have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"

There was a reason Mom was not posting HERE during her bad times. This a support board with alot of know it all posters.

BUT truth being, IT IS NOT YOUR MARRIAGE and what and HOW Mom does should be based on HER needs and the needs of her children.
Mom lives in the country, she has 3 young high needs boys. She had gone through major surgery and her father is on his death bed, requiring her to make a 3 hour trip twice a week (one way).

I personally tried to help her find a nanny so she could even consider the option of plan B.
We still have not found a nanny that is willing to live in her area and have the responsiblity of her boys. She has no other family. I live several states away.

Can you imagine what it was like to come here while her Husband was having an affair , her father is dying, she is post op and having all the "experts" tell her They are done with her, that she does not "care" to save her marriage.
All because she was NOT in a position to do what
was the MB plan B. NOW it may have been possible if she uprooted her sons out of their schools, away from THEIR counsler, and away from there pets and home to go live with their dying grandpa. That would have been WRONG and tramatic.

So many negative people here it's frightening.
Dad came here to get help, to move forward in his marriage. He really does not care about the smart comments but Mom does.

She was upset when he started posting here, Why would that be?? Its a support board right?
Take it a step further, It is a support board for couples who want to save their marriage, or want a better marriage Right ????

Well MOM and DAD want to save their marriage and they want a better one..Have they come to the right place or not ??

2x4's are one thing, But mean nasty, "prove it too me, why should I believe you this time comments" should be kept to yourselves.
First off Dad does not have an obligation to prove anything to anyone here. His obligation is to Mom & her 3boys period.

My father was an educator. He always said if you tell a person he will fail..he will
If you tell a person they will succeed , they do.
Funny, my 4 y/o turn off his new computer by himself tonight (windows XP) I set it up this am.
I said to him "wow, you turned it off by yourself"? he said "yes mom...I'm smart"
imgaine if we called our kids stupid or failures

Adults are no different, even educated ones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My father is a PHd a retired University Prof (taught Grad students) all adults.

Maybe if we tell Dad we are happy for him and what can we do to help him get through the next few months, It could be another MB success.
And maybe you can be there to help MOM too
I try, but I am so not versed on the MB way. I am sure she could use other opinions just not
the "I'm through with you...you dont want your marriage" because you dont do things my way.

I dont know the posters here personally. I dont follow the stories enough to make a judgement on anyone. I just dont think anyone here knows Mom or Dads story enough to be nothing but supportive.
I support MOM and her decision to NOT give up on her marriage. I know the more of the whole story
than anyone here. If Dad follows through this time (which I do believe he will) That marriage will be saved.

Mom is one of strongest women I have had the pleasure of knowing. Most women would be on 1/2 dozen anti-D's and anti anxiety meds not to mention "feeling sorry" for ones self. Not Mom, she rustles those boys off to school, ball practice drives 6 hours (RT) to take her sick dad to the doctor comes home fixes dinner, only to have to answer wackos phone calls about why mom called her XBF.

I would post more, but this is long enough and I think you get the picture, besides my kids have destroyed my family room and are now succumming to fistacuffs.

Good night

StressedOutMom,

I am glad you are being such a support to Mom during these trying days. She has a hard life right now and few people to help shoulder the burden. I'm glad you are able to be there for her.

You are right that sometimes people post tough things here, not just to Mom or Dad, but to others as well. There was a time when just about everyone was throwing up his or her hands because Mom was on round 20 of "same old same old" and some people felt she wasn't taking the advice being offered, even by Harley himself. Some were frustrated in their attempts to truly help Mom and Dad. It did get ugly at one point and I always thought that was regrettable. It was at that point that Mom stopped posting. Who could blame her?

This is an internet support board. When we come here, we should be aware that there are inherent pitfalls in an anonymous support board like this. First, people are in all stages of healing and some react or over react based on their own personal situation so not every post is helpful.

Secondly, there is a collection of temperaments here. Some can give support with well-worded advice, others just blurt out what their gut tells them. But, honestly, there are times when we need a blunt answer. Sometimes it is the very thing to open our eyes. And, yeah, sometimes it is over the top and just plain hurts. At those times, you have to assume the poster was just trying to help and not get too upset.

It is easy to get caught up in someone's story and almost feel hurt when they hurt, feel mad when they are mad, and happy when things go well for them. The emotions can be palpable around here. It's always just a hair's-breadth away from someone getting over zealous and saying something that hurts another.

I think dad is getting a lot of support in this thread, and yes, he's taking some knocks, too. That is to be expected (given the different stages of healing and varied temperaments). I'm glad he's not taking the tough posts badly. I think that is a good omen!

I hope Mom and Dad will keep posting if they find it helpful. And I hope we can all keep in mind that each of us is fragile in some way and that we should always strive to "handle with care."

~ Snow

StressedOutMom,

Could you take the higher road and edit your first part of your post that was directed at another poster before it get out of hand between the two of you ? Mom is fully capable of defending her self. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks, -rh-

I expect to take a beating here, wait till Dr phil gets a hold of me. He is going to rip into me full force in front of a live and then national audience. I will take it, it is nothing next to what my wife has endured. I did not and still donot want to go on that show but if it will help and it gives my wife some more hope that I am there for her and not in false recovery like when I went to the MB weekend and was calling OW on the breaks. I donot get upset, I read it and try to learn from it. I want people to post honestly, don't sugar coat it or baby me, I deserve to hear the truth. I hurt my wife I need to fully understand that to help us recover. I need to feel some of the pain she felt. I will never come close to what she felt but as you see just a whiff of it has put me in my place. I am not motivated by jealousy yes I am possesive of my beautiful wife but I love her and want her back. Before it was territorial a few months ago while I was in the A. Not the same feeling this time. I will go to work now and prove myself for today. Then tommorow and the next day. One by one.

You can't feel it. Let your goal be to make her as happy as you possibly can rather than for you to feel the pain she felt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4's are one thing, But mean nasty, "prove it too me, why should I believe you this time comments" should be kept to yourselves.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've gone back over this post over and over...and I don't find ONE situation where I implied or said ANY OF THOSE WORDS...WHILE OTHER POSTERS DID. BLATANTLY...AND I NEVER DID..BUT SOMEHOW YOU CAME AT ME ?

I have barely posted ANYTHING...because there isn't much I or anyone else can say...why do you think there is such a sparse turn out on this thread to begin with ?

Obviously I don't need to be here, I don't need the boards and the aggrivation any longer.

MY WS HAS GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR THE LAST 7 MONTHS CONSISTENTLY.

And don't throw stones...because you have no idea who I am...what life I've lived...NONE OF IT.

I bid you all farewell. I'm better than this...and I won't be berated...my M is better stronger...I'm happy...I work to hard...and as an accountant it's quarter close...now is a fine time for me to sign off.

Feel free to say what you like...I've always tried to be helpful to ALOT of posters...not just ONE that I took under my wing...but that's okay.

Goodnight, Adios, Farewell...best of luck to all.
CYA

StressedOutMom, I feel compelled to reply to your recent post. I really don't want to make this personal, so I hope you take what I am going to say with the right spirit.

First of all, I think it is wonderful that you and Mom have gotten to be such good friends. From the beginning I could tell you connected with Mom because you are both Med to doctors. If I'm remembering correctly you also wrote once that you have never experienced an A in your M. I can tell you that no matter how much empathy a person has, unless you have experienced this firsthand you can't know what it feels like to go through this kind of betrayal. This is in no way meant to take away from all the wonderful things you have apparently done for mom.

I have been very put out at times by some of the posts that have been directed to mom on some of her threads. I am not talking about people being honest with her. I'm talking about certain people who have chosen to use the word "you" often, and it has felt like a personal attack. I have never seen BetrayedinJersy as one of those people. In fact I remember you got angry at BIJ in another thread because she was concerned Dad was playing Mom again. Well what happened? Dad was playing Mom again.

There are many of us here on MB who care deeply for Mom. We might not be in phone contact with her, but we have been with her from the very beginning. We have seen her retraumatized by dad's lies over and over again. I'll speak for myself here and to Dad directly. Dad, I am really pissed off at you for your bad choices and behavior to your W and boys. The trauma of an A is bad enough. Your continued back and forth betrayal has been brutal to read about. But those of us who have stuck with mom have read her story to continue to support her.

In saying all of this I hope that you and mom can recover from this. I hope this because mom obviously loves you and wants your M to work. If you are able to do the work of recovery we will all be happy for you both and respect your effort. And as I wrote before, we will help you in any way to not screw up again. I'm glad that you are willing to take the 2x4s. In my case they aren't meant to beat you up, but more to see if you are serious about what needs to be done. I genuinely hope your family can be whole again.

Back to StressedOutMom. You really don't need to be Mom's body guard. Except for the occasional judgmental poster, most of the folks here are about supporting and helping people save their M's. I've told my H many times I wouldn't be with him now if it weren't for MB and the wonderful people here. I can tell you that BIJ is one of those people who has helped me and others tremendously. Anything she has written to Mom has come from love. I hope you know that Mom about most of us here.

Finally, Dad is a big boy. It sounds like he is willing to face the consequences of his actions by posting here for the purpose of learning and growing. I cautiously hope that's the case. Good luck to you both! CV

Oh...and ONE MORE THING...STRESSED OUT MOM....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Betrayed,
It is obvious that your parents never taught you
"If you dont have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My mother died 11 years ago of cancer at the age of 46....leaving my Dad with a little boy that happened to be celebrating his 13th birthday the day his mother died.

And I took care of him, my dad, my 15 year old sister...my small children...worked fulltime..and was getting my accounting degree simultaneously.

But thank you for your concern of what they did or didn't teach me.