Well I’m in plan B and am grateful to be so. My plan A was good for showing that I am willing and can change my behaviors to benefit our marriage, but I was guilty of enabling and being a doormat. Now I have to forgive myself as well as my WW. Plan B is great for allowing me to feel I have a modicum of control of the situation again. It has given me a chance to gain some dignity and self respect.

I disagree with Maddyk regarding how appropriate it would be for a couple where the one isn’t fence sitting and has made their intentions for divorce clear. If I recall SAA with any accuracy, Sue left Jon to go live with OM. No fence sitting there. Jon went into plan B on Harley’s instruction. I don’t think that changed anything however as Sue didn’t leave Greg (hope I’m getting these names right) until he dumped her for another woman.

My WW isn’t fence sitting either. Made it clear she wanted out and bought a house around the corner. I continued to plan A until the separation agreement was signed. She was under the impression we could be pals in divorce/separation; that we would saunter back and forth and watch movies with the kids together etc. Plan B gives her a reality check. So much so that I have received a letter from her lawyer to mine threatening to reopen the separation agreement if I don’t stop this. That correspondence has done nothing but given me a sense of empowerment.

I think plan B can be such a benefit to a BS and the marriage, but it is a gamble. I didn’t have to wrestle with deciding to separate, that was done for me. Separation is not to be taken lightly as it is usually the precursor to divorce. If the affair remains active after a good plan A with exposure etc. it’s the best tactic I’ve seen to draw a line in the sand. It allows you to convey the message that you will stand for your marriage, but only within specific, obvious boundaries.

Plan B is also a great way to gain perspective. Once a BS knows that they are able to not only function but thrive on their own, they can determine not if they need the WS, but do they want them.

I want to pitch in my 2¢ .

BS has no option but to implement Plan B on time otherwise it would damage the chance of restoring the M . Read SAA.

I see too many BS fails to implement plan B on time such that either they completely drained their LB$ (rejecting WS) or they have worst, a UNREPENTANT FWS at their hand.

-rh-

I'm not afraid of plan B. But I am more concerned about how it would affect my WW than about how it would affect me. I'm doing pretty well nowadays, so most of the time I don't think I need it. My IC loves the idea though. She likes that it gives some power back to me.

And I sure wanted to do it yesterday, right after I heard the sparrow's message, when I was hurt and distraught.

I doubt its value in my case because the most fundamental explanation for plan B as a marriage-saving measure is this: it cuts your WS off from having her needs met by you, and suddenly she realizes how much she is going to be missing. My WW, having avoided contact with me so completely, already knows what it's like to not have me around. Does she miss me? Dunno.

I also know, have always known, that I can be happy without my wife. I think it's part of the problem actually. She believes in the "you complete me" stuff - that when you find the right person, the two of you absolutely depend on each other to have happiness.

I might need plan B yet. But I am not a danger to my M at this point. If my WW came back and wanted to work on things, I would be right there, tired and battle-scarred, and ready for more.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong>Does she miss me? Dunno.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's is why there is no plan B if you haven't done good plan A. The better you are doing plan A the more effective your plan B is going to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I might need plan B yet. But I am not a danger to my M at this point. If my WW came back and wanted to work on things, I would be right there, tired and battle-scarred, and ready for more.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Disclaimer GC, I don't know your story inside out, I don't follow your story. This is what I want you to take home ... You might already endanger your M. If WS convince that BS would wait no matter what ... what incentive for WS to end A ?. It feels good and it feeds WS's selfishness. Just look at most of BS in this board that keep feeding cake monster WS. Just make sure you are not one of them.

I am absolutly beleive that people could change but it is only through repentant. BS should never take WS back just because they want to come back and say they want to work thing out!. WS has to repent by amending BS willingly.

Love, trust and respect should be earned not given. BS give it to WS for free once and WS trashed it ... do you want to repeat history again ?

Just my 2¢. -rh-

***I doubt its value in my case because the most fundamental explanation for plan B as a marriage-saving measure is this: it cuts your WS off from having her needs met by you, and suddenly she realizes how much she is going to be missing. My WW, having avoided contact with me so completely, already knows what it's like to not have me around. Does she miss me? Dunno.***

It's one thing when SHE is the one who cuts YOU off. Sure, she is gone, but she still thinks of you as being there for her as a safety net any old time SHE decides she wants you.

But it's a very different thing when YOU cut HER off by doing Plan B. No more safety net. Now she's completely on her own with nobody to rely on but OM. Now things are very, very different in her world.

WS can't plan B'ed BS, it is a NC.

Bump^

My 2 cents.....

Plan A was good for ME. It woke me up. The A, however, still continued.

When I got tired of it being "in my face", I went to Plan B. It was peaceful. Got to know myself a little. WH got to know another, stronger side of me (now, where in the he!! did I put it?).

The thing that scared me about Plan B, and still does, is that I figured WH would have withdrawl from ME, then he would no longer care.

A sad thought.....after 32 years of marriage.

K

Redhat....

I totally agree with your take of the BS ending up with an unrepentant WS if plans aren't done in a timely manner.

I do believe that is where things are for me.

I feel WH forced an end to my Plan B with lies, and continues to carry on the A - with even more protected secrecy.

I will find out. I think I already have. Then, I will have no problem going to complete Plan B.... with a possible following of Plan D.

I am no longer afraid of this. I am tired of being used and lied to.....and to what purpose?

K

Bump^

I wanted to add my thoughts to this thread. I was certainly afraid of Plan B in one area mainly that I have not seen addressed....sending the copy of the Plan B letter to the OP. My concern was I felt it was personal and did not understand the reason for it.

The reason is: WS is likely lying to both parties eg.

*BS is bad person or does not love me
*BS/WS have split up
*BS is okay with WS/OP continued contact/friendship/talking.

Plan B letter reveals the truth to the OP and may expose WS's lies to OP.

In my case, this worked. I sent a copy of the letter to OW. I think OW was out of country when I first sent. In those weeks, WH and I were trying to recon and when he tried to break it off with her...she LB'd him big time regarding the letter. She thought I was going to come and get her. The woman is psycho was can I say.

I thought I would add my concerns and experience to the thread about Plan B. Hope it works for you.

SS, the OW in my case had been told that we were split up by my H. I found this out when she contacted me after I sent her a sweet little email threatening to publish a picture of her saggy boobs if she contacted my H again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She, a married woman, was deeply morally offended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> to find out he had lied to her and agreed to never contact him again. She kept her word for almost 4 years and then tried to contact him again.

So I agree that sometimes it is beneficial to contact the OP. Of course, some do know that the WS is married and simply don't care because they don't know right from wrong. It just depends on the situation.

Right now my situation is such that WW has already been out of the house for going on 3 months. On top of that she will not take or return my calls. I don't think it's guilt I know it is.

My Plan A has been pretty textbook. But no difference. WW prefers this alienation right now...Maybe she won't after a couple of months into Plan B....???? But I have a STRONG feeling that she will have to graduate masters(may 2005), move 1500miles to OM's town, and hit ROCK BOTTOM before she comes back. So that math works out to.......around a year of waiting if I were to go dark next month and give her 6 months after moving away to figure it out. I hate math.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

C.

maddyk,
Oh my! I can finally say YES! I feel the SAME WAY. My DH is plan B'ing ME, the BW. I tried 'Plan B' for 2 weeks (before I found MB) and he had no problem with that. When we had our false recovery he said that is was very hard for him not to talk to me, but during the time he was not talking to me, it seemed pretty easy for him. He is 'living it up' at the OW house, while I am here with his dog, and our kids...taking care of bussiness. How would that be hard to leave? How are you doing? I don't realy know your story, but how is everything going?
Danielle

shmaley,
I am sorry. It is hard when you 'sort of know' how long it will take. My H gets out of the Navy in 5 1/2 months and plans to move the OW to our hometown. (I will be moving 2 months ahead of him). I have a good feeling that it will take him getting out, moving her to our hometown (she is a serious city party girl, we are from a SMALLL COUNTRY place, realizing that he has no job, no money and she isn't going to take not being supported like that. He will hit rock bottom and wake up. Makes me wish the next 5 1/2 months would just hurry up...
Danielle

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>