SML - The detachment thing from your WH is the entire key to being successful and getting through this. This was something that I was able to do a few months ago and it has helped me get through this horrible time. I still miss my H but I know I will be able to survive without him, if that's what happens. In my case it was my pride that made me detach from him. Give your WH the opportunity to miss you, to see you moving on and making a better life for yourself and the kids. Right now, he knows no matter what he does you will be there for him, no matter how bad he treats you. You need to start making him doubt this, not because it's a game, but because you need to get to this stage to save yourself.

This will be hard, but no harder then what you have been going through.

One other thing I forgot to mention. In order to jump start my detachment I ran away for a long weekend to Florida to spend time with family. That helped so much being around people who cared and supported me and not being alone for the first few days. I know this isn't an option for you right now since you are probably not suppose to travel, but maybe going and spending a weekend with your mother would help.

One other thing I forgot to mention. In order to jump start my detachment I ran away for a long weekend to Florida to spend time with family. That helped so much being around people who cared and supported me and not being alone for the first few days. I know this isn't an option for you right now since you are probably not suppose to travel, but maybe going and spending a weekend with your mother would help.

Thanks for the 2x4's and the encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My ultimate goal is to be more independent. When we did go to MC she told me that I really needed to focus on that.

I had my doc appointment today. He wants to start seeing me every week now. I told him about my cramping and back pain. He asked about things at home and I told him my husband left for some space. He said sometimes some people need that time to think and focus again but it's the worst timing.

I did some shopping today for the baby and me. And hung out with my mom and 3 year old. He has been spending the night with her the last few nights and I will be picking him up on Friday. I miss him so much when he is gone but when he is here he drives me bonkers..hehe..

I talked to my husband for about 5 minutes. He called to check on things. And tell me he would not be making it to go to his son's teacher conference. So it looks like I will be going. He is acting up in school and not finishing a lot of his work. So I am sure there is no good news to hear there.

Things are getting a little easier for me. I still miss having him here. It's very lonely at night. I don't have anyone to really talk to. It's hard being around the kids all day, working then coming home and still not having anyone to be here for me. To take care of me this close to my due date. I am getting more tired and more emotional lately. One minute I am fine.. The next I am crying. I know in my heart my husband will be back home .. But I want God to lead him back when the time is right. Because I do not want to deal with this crap with the OW anymore. When he comes home it will be him and me and us working on things. Until that can happen I do not want him home .. Even though I would love to have him back. I know the time isn't right.

I went to the teachers conference tonight for my stepson. That didn't go very well. Seems he is failing most of his main subjects. He is not paying attention in class and pretty much doing silly things to get attention.. Even if he knows it is negative attention.

He talked to my husband on the phone and I heard him say he was disappointed in him. That he lied to him and said he was going to do his work and listen and he didn't.. He kept saying you must not care about us if you lie and continue to do what your doing. I began thinking hmmmmmmmmmm he should listen to his own words.. I have been trying to show my stepson more attention lately. Because I know that in the past he has not gotten the attention that most kids get.

His mom left him when he was about 1. She has not been in his life since. He has never had a mothers love. And I am sure this is hurting him inside. I know I can be better with him. And I realized that last week when my husband left. He is such a sweet loving boy. Looking for attention and acceptance.

After my husband finished talking with him. He talked to me about 2 minutes then said he was going to watch a program on T.V. He called me back about 9pm and talked 5 minutes then said he was taking a shower and then going to draw some. He said he is upset with himself for not getting done what he went down there for. He has not found the 2nd job, he hasn't been working on his art work like he wanted to and other things. He just can't see that his time, energy and focus has been on this girl 10 hours away. I often wonder how she can study and focus in college.

I did very good today. I didn't really think about him much and I didn't call him at all. I waited till he called me and I kept my answers very brief. Yes I do miss him and love him but if he doesn't want to be here I can't force him to be.

Way to go! Today was a good start. Just remember to take it one day at a time and it will get easier.

By the way - I really admire you taking care of your stepson and trying to make sure he is not another innocent victim in all of this. No matter what happens, you will be able to take pride in this.

Kloe,

My husband would not agree with you. He feels I am not the greatest stepmom. He points out all the time that I do not show him the same attention and affection that I do my three year old. Even though to me that is understandable. But atleast I am trying and realize I can be better and am striving to be. My husband is not around to show any attention at all except on the weekend.. And even then it's very little. He does not see this or he doesn't want to admit it.

I do love my stepson and I want him to do good in school and I also want to show him as much love as I possibly can especially right now. I know he is reaching out for attention I just got to find more ways I can show him. I am trying to think of some ways to make school more fun and little rewards for him when he does a good job.

I was thinking earlier today about my pregnancy. My husband in a way blames me for getting pregnant even though it takes two.. I was thinking hmmmmm maybe he left me this close to my due date as a way of getting back at me. Punishing me or something.. I am weird I guess. Always thinking about stuff like this. I was fine a few minutes ago but now I feel like crying. It's been like that lately. Doctor just said it's hormones plus the added stress.

My husband just called for the third time to check up on me. He is really sick himself. Very bad cold I think he caught from me. He seems concerned. I told him I was a little depressed and stuff. He just kept saying he was sorry and told me to get some rest.

Ummm, you're not the greatest Stepmom??? Yet, who was the one at the school this week meeting with his teacher? I don't believe that was him! And who walked out on his Son? I bet he doesn't even see the connection between the problems his son is having in school and what he has done. More fog talk, ignore it and continue to be your wonderful self!

SML, you WH will not notice the damage his actions are having for a long time. He keeps saying he is sorry. Big deal. If I continuously step on your toe, and apologize, after about the 3rd time, you are gonna get peeved. Words are words are words. His ACTIONS show that he is truly not capable of thinking about anyone but himself right now.

Truly, Tina, he is sapping your much needed energy. I know it might not feel that way, until you get free of the pull of him, but he is. PLEASE trust us all when we are telling you this. I KNOW it is scary to let go. It feels like you might be letting something go for forever, like you might not get it back. And, in all acutality, you might not. BUT, my experience in my own life, and reading and posting here for 8 months, is that the opposite is almost always true. When you let go, THEN you get their attention.

I have a challenge for you. First, continue with the no-calling him for 7 full days. 7 DAYS!!! Anyone can do anything for a week, right? Even when he comes home on the weekend, I have a challenge for you. You and the kids will be eating at your Mom's that night. And don't tell him. When you come home, continue with your normal routine as if he is not there. Don't ignore him, do not engage him.

Furthermore, when he calls you, do not mention you are depressed. You are just fine. You may be sad, you may be tired, BUT, under the circumstances, you are doing just fine. You have done this before alone, you will do it alone again if you have to, and life goes on. When he says, "I'm sorry . . . blah blah blah . . " Just sit there and don't say a thing. He is sorry! He is a sorry H, a sorry Dad, a sorry everything right now. BUT, don't tell him that. Just let his own words hang in the air.

Now, for your stepson. Do I have motivational ideas for boys!!! I have 2 myself. Each day, my boys get ready on their own, make their beds, open their blinds, make their breakfast, get on the bus (on time!), do their work at school, come home and do their homework, feed and water the dog, do garbage and recycle, and on the weekends they mow the lawn. How, you ask, do I get them to do all these things without a fight???

Bribery. Yep, my H and I learned about this pivitol concept in parenting classes. You offer them something that is very important to them, but first they must do x, y, and z.

For my boys, all of their daily chores - to include school participation while there, turning in their work on time, and behaving appropriately in class - is their way of earning their computer/electronics time each day. They can spend their hour any way they want. Computer games, x-box, gameboy, at a friend's house on their electronics. BUT, first they must complete their daily stuff. I have not met a boy yet who wouldn't go to great lengths for SOMEthing in their life. Not one, and I know LOTS of boys (I was a noon duty at the grade school, an aid there, a substitute teacher, my H and I ran the Cub Scout Pack at the school and we each had our own Dens, AND we are now leaders with the Boy Scouts).

Another great way to spend time with your stepson that I find most boys LOVE and is not too time consuming is playing a board game. Or a card game. When my H left, and we were all moping around, I made a rule that we all played a game at night, and we played until someone laughed so hard they fell off a chair.

Sometimes, we had to play up to 5 or 6 games!!! But eventually, we would get so crazy, someone would fall off the chair laughing. And they both went to bed with smiles on their faces.

Another idea is simply renting a kid movie, and sitting between your stepson and your 3 yo on the couch, with your arms around them. In fact, I want you to plan a movie night with them this weekend. Or this week. DON'T include WH anymore. YOU must begin running YOUR own show now. I promise you that the better show you run, without him involved at all, the more attention you will get from him. It is a classic move. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Spidey

SS,
Thanks so much for the ideas. I already told my stepson after work about your idea of earning his time for something special. Like playing his video game, watching t.v or computer time. I gave him a list of things he needs to do each day to earn that time. He seems excited about doing this. I told him we were also going to have movie night and game night.

I guess today was day one of your challenge. I did not call my husband. And when he called the boys he talked to me about five minutes and then hung up. When we talked it was mostly about the kids. He asked me how I was doing. I said fine. Even though I feel like crap. He said he will be home late tomorrow evening. I may just go ahead and put the kids to bed and go to bed myself before he gets here.

My mom is spending the night tonight. She has been spending atleast one night a week with me. Atleast it gets my mind off things while she is here. Plus I worked a full day at my SIL's dental office and I was overly busy there so that helped also. I need to start going some Christmas shopping because after the baby comes I don't think I will feel like going out to much. So maybe this weekend I will do that.

Again SS thanks for the advice and ideas. I think you really helped me get started in the right direction.

You go, girl! Let us be the lifeline you need, since your WH has checked out for the time being. I SWEAR, MB did just that for me.

You did an AWESOME first day. I am very encouraged and pleased by your stepson's reaction to your talk today. Sounds like he is a WONDERFUL boy, really looking for that love and attention. If he gets that now, from you, it will pay dividends down the road - I guarantee you that.

The plan I outlined for you earlier is one I have successfully followed myself. Please keep posting, and letting us know what is going on.

Spidey