Okay, I have A LOT of updating to do. My WH just told OW he is calling it off and working on our marriage. I was there when she called and he did it.

He is a wreck right now and says he is still in shock from it.

How do I act right now? Are there things I can do to help him and be supportive?

FIM,

My gosh! This is not unexpected but still.... so what can you do? Pray. Seriously. Pray.

Secondly, take your cues from him. Rub his shoulders or his back if he'll let you, or hold him, anything physical that he'll allow. He needs to feel close to you right now, even though he might be pining for her.

If he rejects physical touch, try not to react. Just back off and tell him you are there for him if he needs you.

That is my gut speaking. Hopefully some others will chime in soon.

How did this all come about? WHen you have a minute, let us know. I am so happy for you and your H. I'll be praying tonight for you!

~ Snow

Hi there FiM --

Glad to see you're still here and working hard on saving your marriage. This will be difficult, but let him know that you know that this is very hard for him, that you'll do your best to listen with an open heart if he wants to talk, comfort him if needs to cry, and in general, be his soft place to land as Dr. Phil calls it. Maybe make sure you and he stay busy doing day-to-day things together that he likes to do. This may help distract him and remind him of your great companionship. Be physical if he allows it, but don't act hurt if he doesn't. Just say something like, "I know you're in a lot of pain. I'm here for you."

Good luck, Faith. This is a difficult part -- it would be nearly impossible for me -- but you'll be able to do these things, you have that strength. Good luck.

Shellybird

Congratuations, FIM!

From the beginning, it was clear that you were on a winner's path. Trust your own judgement in how to handle this phase of the recovery.

(I only log in once in awhile, but I always look for your posts, because they are so encouraging).

-AD

7

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

A big event FIM ! Remember its an event not a destination. Your WH will be grieving and depressed and all the things that are hurtful to you. Its important to remember he's chosen to try to be with you right now, however hurtful his words may be while he withdraws.

I guess every withdrawing spouse needs different behaviours, but I would NOT smother him with affection though you may long to.

" I care for you" " I'm here for you", " Thank you for giving us this chance" is better than " I love you" IMO. Make any touches platonic and supportive not needful or sexual.

Do nice things for him, meals out, fun movie rentals. The vacation together is a wonderful idea.

Thats all stuff that seemed to work for us.

All blessings as you start this journey !

FIM,

Take a quick mental break from "saving your marriage" and think of someone who is an alcoholic or drug addict...someone you love who has FINALLY been brave enough to admit to themself that they have a problem and they want to quit. YAY!! But they have decided to quit cold turkey, and you are there with them. What do you do with an alcoholic or drug addict who is going cold turkey?

Do you smother them with "I love you" and a bunch of sex and hugging and holding hands? Nope, not really. They vomit and soil themselves, and you pick it up and tell them you are still there. They curse and scream and yell at you (really yelling at themself), and you tell them you are still there. They cry out to God and rage against the addiction, and you let them know that you don't judge them and you're still there. They try to manipulate ONE MORE DROP or ONE MORE FIX--and they HATE you that you won't give it to them. They can be like mean-tempered children and say "I hate you!" and you just tell them, "I love you and I'm still here." They get sick and sweat and toss and turn and need water in the night and moan and groan--and you hold the cool cloth to their head and say you're still there.

This is what you do for your husband. Don't see the A and the OW and the whole mish-mosh. See the drug addict kicking his drug cold turkey. He is GOING to Vomit, and Soil, and Scream, and Curse you or God, and Manipulate, and Say things, and Toss and Turn, and Groan. This is GOING to happen. You need to see beyond all this to the best interest of the addicted person and love him (in the mature sense) enough to not give leave when the cold turkey gets pretty gory.

Stay the course. Keep being the lighthouse.

On a practical level, I suggest doing something fun that your H enjoys. He probably won't be much of a companion right now, but associating FIM with "mildly enjoyable" is good. Take a walk and just look at leaves. Paint his boat. Go 4-wheeling. Go to a movie (Ladder 49 is good!!). Try a new coffee. Go buy a cartoon book together. Play poker. Make nice steaks on the grill at home and give him a few oooo's and ahhhh's. Don't be overly touchy or clingy--but if he seems to want a hug, be warm and inviting with that kind of nurturing hug.


CJ

Great News!

Faith give him lots of room, be supportive if he lets you and let him talk. Treat him like you would a girlfriend who just got dumped by her boyfriend. I was very quiet and was as above, a soft place to land. A very sexy nightgown will probably help. Just set a very sexy stage and leave the rest to nature. Don't push it. He is now finally going to go thru withdrawl. Keep your eyes open, she may show up now. That's when our OW came to town. You are doing great and he's actually ahead of schedule. He knows what is right and that an affair is good for no one. Jersey Girl

Faith -

Now is the time for you to be very strong. He may keep changing his mind and going back and forth. I would give him lots of admiration.

If there are physical activities that he likes, encourage those. Otherwise just be there for him.

good post and advice...im sort of going through the same thing....except we have been at it about a week....I too am very cautios and scared to getting hurt again.

I dont see outward signs of withdrawal....she is not angry or hurtful in her words or actions....I do see alot of guilt and low self esteem.

I am trying to encourage her and build her faith in herself and also trying to detach from any of the pain that she shoots out.....

FIM - My dwh is in the midst of the above mentioned withdrawl. It's a biotch, I must say. I would say right now the best course is to be there, but don't hover. If you have a need to touch him, do, but nothing lingering. They, the addicts, feel a lot of self loathing, and they tend to feel smothered. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF FOG TALK. 180 it. It helps. Try not to take anything that slithers out of his mouth to heart. Um. If he wants SF, do, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want it. Self loathing is an amazing libido killer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We're in our 2nd week of withdrawl. Only 5 or so more to go. Whoopee!

((((FIM))))

PS I can still arrange to have OW conveniently pushed in the Paseo del Rio. Just say the word. Maybe with yours and mine we could get a group discount. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My advice is to read, read and reread this part of the MB input to have in mind:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Thank you to everyone for the advice. The last week or so has been a rollercoaster for both of us and the drama of yesterday just wiped me out!

After he told OW he was breaking up with her to save our M, he just fell apart. He was crying and emotional and I think he really was in shock. He had told me on Friday that he was going to break it off with her on Monday morning and then when the time came, said he couldn't. He was willing to not talk with her and he came up with TONS of other plans trying to negotiate out of it, but just wouldn't commit to that.

Backing up a little from there...he had told me he would not keep up communication with her early last week (I think that was when). He never went more than a few hours. He would lie about and get sneakier and sneakier. I could deal with the contact, but not the lies. Nope. Too many. It was like he couldn't open his mouth without a lie coming out.

So, I gave him an ultimatum. LB, I know. That's what it came down to though. I know him and he is at a place where he knows what he has here. He's just playing it out as long as he can at this point. He wouldn't cut it off with her because it wasn't something that will make him feel good. I'm wasn't willing to keep doing that. Bad, FIM.

I kicked him out to the camper trailer in the alley. His choice was to

1 - Break up with OW and commit 100% to this M for the rest of his life.

2 - Leave

#1 became my mantra. Every negotiation and "plan" he had ended with "Are you ready to break up with OW and commit 100% to our M for the rest of your life?"

"No. But I can feel myself getting there. Can I come back?"

Nope. Let me know when you get there.

"How about if I REALLY don't talk to her for a while? Can I do that?"

Are you ready to break up and commit 100% to our M for the rest of your life?

"No damn it!! But I think I'm close."

Let me know when you get there.

This is how things went for a while.

So, long story short, he told me on Friday he would do it...on Monday. He wanted to spend the weekend with the family and not have it marred with his emotional state after breaking up.

Dork. That's ME this time though because I went along with it. Ugh. We did have a great weekend though. Pumpkin patch, decorating the house and yard for Halloween, SF, cuddling up watching movies, etc.

Monday comes though and GUESS WHAT? Now he can't do it.

So, he needed to go. Again, he tries to negotiate his way out and even suggests THIS....

"Why don't I withdraw the divorce papers, end it with her, we can work on things, but I'll go to SA for that job."

WHAT???????????????

Yeah. He thinks he'll go down there to work, stay in his trailer but not see OW. Forget the fact that he would be working as a civilian for HER command! Idiot.

In the end, we couldn't agree on anything. He wanted to have a solution for a job before he would break up with her. I wanted him to break up with her and then we'd figure out OUR lives. I suggested that once he broke up with her, we use the POJA when we decide what do. Nope. I guess he didn't realize that I would see he was really trying to keep this same situation going, only change the geography.

I asked him to be gone by the time the kids and I got home from dinner. He could take the trailer wherever, but he needed to go. If he could answer #1 with a yes before leaving for SA, let me know. Otherwise, see you at Thanksgiving when you come to visit the kids.

As we were driving away, he came outside with his phone and said he would break up with her and commit 100%. We were talking about it for a few minutes when his phone rang. OW calling. Well, I didn't think he would do it. But he did. Afterwards, he was upset and told me he wanted to be alone but handed me his cell phone and calling card before he went into the house. He called once while I was gone and told me he needed to be alone and would sleep in the trailer that night but to keep his cell and calling card.

When I came home, he left to go for a drive. While he was gone, he called and said he DID want to sleep in the house, with me. Would I just hold him? So, he came home and he was actually pretty affectionate. He wanted to just go to bed but told me before he drifted off that he planned on pulling the divorce papers in the morning and wanted us to see our priest. He has refused to do that this whole time.

Is this going to last? I don't know. I do know I will be there for him. I asked him to just let me do that. So far, he has called me twice at work to tell me he was tempted to call her so he called me. He's bringing me lunch in an hour. He made the appointment to see the priest.

I have hope this can work. He seems to understand, at least logically, that the withdrawl process will be intense. I hope we can get through this together.

I'm going to follow much of the advice I have seen here and the link from picklesaresour is printing as I write. Wish us luck!! I have a feeling I'll be here a lot again. Well, I've always been here just not writing.

Sounds very promising to me. Especially since he have you phone and card. Also making appointment with your priest gives me hope.

Hang in there, you are doing just fine.

Hi FiM --

I think these are good signs. I rarely read that WSs voluntarily hand over their phones, calling cards, etc., and knowing how strong his religious background is and how he's been avoiding that and is now wanitng to talk to his priest -- well, these seem like excellent things.

It's still bound to be a roller coaster, but I think by consistently enforcing your boundaries, you've definitely scored one for the good guys and gals!

Shellybird

Hi FiM --

I think these are good signs. I rarely read that WSs voluntarily hand over their phones, calling cards, etc., and knowing how strong his religious background is and how he's been avoiding that and is now wanitng to talk to his priest -- well, these seem like excellent things.

It's still bound to be a roller coaster, but I think by consistently enforcing your boundaries, you've definitely scored one for the good guys and gals!

Shellybird

Once again, FIM, you amaze me with your intuitive way of handling things, just right.

Requiring him to commit at this point was NOT an LB. You set your guide and he had to abide by it or leave. He chose to stay, because of the fantastic Plan A you have been doing for the last months.

You are both in for some hard times as he goes through withdrawal, but I know you are up to it. He's given you his main access to OW (his phone and card) and that is huge. It's like he's hurling himself off the mountain, knowing it is going to hurt like h*ll when he hits the ground, but having faith that everything will come out OK.

The appointment with the priest, not just that he wanted to make one but that he actually went ahead and made the appointment is even more positive. He is coming around to a better view of himself, the FaithinMe version, perhaps, of guy who went astray but still has a wife who loves him and kids who need him. He couldn't go to the priest before because it was embarrassing to have the padre see how far he had fallen and, in fact, he wanted to stay right there in his obvious sin.

So for him to be able to make that appointment might mean he is facing his own mistakes and ready to take ownership of them and confess his sins as necessary.

This is so very good.

Hang on for the ride, hun. It will be wild and sometimes gut-wrenching, but keep a vision of your family, together, happy and well, in your mind when the going gets rough. And there is always your cadre here at MB.

~ Snow

AND THE ROLLERCOASTER BEGINS!

He "needed" the cell phone today because he's getting his truck fixed and running a bunch of errands. He "needed" to be able to call me to come pick him up and drop him back off at the shop and to try and get a hold of his mother.

Well, yeah, he's talked to OW today. Granted he told me about it each time, I know because I've tracked the usage today, but that's not the point. He's talking to her because "we're both having a hard time with this". I'm wondering if he considers sitting in that cold dark trailer is a hard time or not.

Anyway, he was supposed to tell the kids today that he's not leaving and mom and dad aren't going to get a divorce.

He came to pick me up from work since he had my car while his is being fixed and tells me he's not going to tell the kids today because he had been leaning back towards OW.

I hate to say it but I had a feeling this was going to happen. Each time his PCS to PCS minutes went up today, I had a feeling that might happen.

So, FIM freaked a little. I hate it when I react before thinking. It's something I rarely do anymore, but I did. When he stopped the car, I got out. Drama. Yuck.

Well, he got out after me and I wouldn't listen. Blah, blah. When he finally got me to listen to him, he said "I HAD been thinking about that." Then, he talked with his mom and she talked some sense into him. So, he was back to working on this but didn't want to tell the kids yet because he came so close to backing out. Let me tell you, I'm still not happy about this.

I apologized to him for getting so upset before he finished telling me. I did explain that I sent myself an email this morning....just to see. It said, "WH will back out of this before the end of the day." Time stamped 9:34 am. That, on top of all the calls (totally about 40 minutes), not keeping the appointment with the priest and then telling me he's not telling the kids? Yeah...I'm having my doubts about this. Seriously.

Part of me wants to throw him out on his cute little butt and send him off to SA to go through the pain of living without me and his kids.

Part of me says..it's the first day. You knew it would be hard so stroke the ego, tell him you're there to help tomorrow be a better day and you won't give up on him.

I know which part will win, but I'm frankly enjoying the mental picture of the other right now.

He is currently at the shop picking up his truck. He's calling every five minutes to tell me he's still there and hasn't talked with her. He's telling the truth...I'm checking every 4.5 minutes.

I'm thinking we need to sit down, write down our plan for keeping this together and for what he is going to do to keep up with NC, and write that NC letter.

I'm also going to "strongly encourage" him to follow through on the meeting with our priest.

Continuing the actions of today though is just not going to work for me. We are going to HAVE to find a way to make this NC work. I'm going to ask for his phone again tomorrow. He can be without it if it's going to be too much of a temptation.

I'm going to "offer" to keep it for him to support him in his endeavor to break up with her and commit 100% to our marriage for the rest of his life.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Faith -

He did make the decision to stay with you, so I would give him lots of admiration and support. Of course he is having a very hard time. You might suggest he gets some anti-depressants to help him through this.

Yes, lots of admiration for his attempt BUT your insistance on NC is critical to this juncture. Take his phone and give him yours. Tell him it is a token of strength to help him through.
Ask him to make the NC letter and go with you to send it off.
Go away for several days to get him over the hump of his withdrawal (SO hard to do with the infant but critical to the salvation of the marriage)
He needs a change of scenery to get her off his mind and he needs no touching of the cell phone since it is a trigger to communicate with her!