Oh geez, I hope and pray for car4love to find a really good man for her and her kids. She certainly is a classy woman.

GC, you are a class act too.

Graycloud - All the best, may you get this behind you as soon as possible.

SLH,
No, I don't live there where the marathon picture was taken. That is about 18 miles from my house, higher altitude, really small town - less than 2,000.

My town is in the desert near the red rocks. I live about a half mile from here -
Edge of town

SS

Faithful,
Hope you have a good evening.

SS

Sure!

-AD

SS, I like it when you talk about the happy things you do in your marriage as well. It's important to hear about those things, and I would love it if those here whose marriages are continuing and improving would talk about them more.

Along those lines, I have a question for you. Something that I wonder about is dealing with a work-life balance. You know what I mean. There's a deadline at work -- do you give up family time for it? How much family time? Under what circumstances? How do you know when it's not enough or too much?

Those kinds of things. In my first marriage, I was probably average in terms of noticing when I was neglecting my spouse. I'd like to get better about things like that, and also become better at noticing when my own needs are not being met -- and asking for that to change. I haven't had much practice at that, and it would be good to have someone to mentor me along in how it all works. (I don't suppose Mrs. SS is ever going to come by to greet us, is she?)

I like it too, J.

Something cool happened today, in a way. I've been nervous, hurt, and angry. I want to figure out what makes these people tick, but I don't expect I can. But I'm not really angry now.

I think maybe I've gotten into a good habit. When I think about her, and wonder about her, I mainly feel sad for her and her family and friends.

I feel sad that she's apparently unhappy. Here she went and did all this stuff to try and get happy, and if it was working, what is there in this situation with the power to make her so angry?

Then again, I haven't actually talked to her. Maybe the rumors of her rage have been exaggerated.

GC

Stick with feeling sad for her, GC. It's a big step toward a compassionate understanding of the damage and harm that's happened for her.

I forgot to answer about where more pics of DD can be found. I put them all up in the album that I linked to before -- there are tons there, from the time that she was brand new up through this month. I recently reorganized the album. If anyone wants to see it, you can find it here .

J, she's just beautiful. My favorites are the Chocolate Makes me a Devil Child picture and her delightful expression when she is drinking her milk. Too sweet.

There's something so inviting about ice-cold milk in a metal cup. She seems to know it too. Just look at that face.

Hoping everyone is well.

slh

J, you have it right. It's only just a step.

GC

The amazing thing about the chocolate-devil-baby picture is that she didn't get a single bit of chocolate on her cream-colored turtleneck. I still don't know how we managed that.

I like the milk picture, too. I'm not sure that I have a favorite, though I like many of them. Well, hmmm.

There are two that I love from when she was really small. The one with her drinking from a bottle and holding onto someone's pinky. Because she was so tiny, and the expression is so wonderful.

It still makes me very sad that it was OM she was looking at. So much harm woven into that whole thing...

DD and OM's hand

I also really like several of the pictures where she's asleep on my chest. The best of them isn't online, but here's a similar one:

DD get sweater-face

From later on? Well, there are a bunch of them. Some are hilarious, like her with the potty on her head, from last winter, or the devil-baby or the brownies ones.

And some are just lovely, like the beach series from Summer 2005, or the one where she's reflected with dolphins from last spring.

Heck, I kinda like taking pictures of her! I bet you never noticed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She is just lovely, JJ.

Graycloud,
I have been thinking.........

About how things are similar between you, and Binder, and AD, and I.

There is a scripture (describing the creation of the earth,) that says "It is not good that man should be alone."

At that point in the story, women was created to be a partner to man.

I think you, and Binder, and Ad, are all feeling that. It's not one thing, it's a whole bunch of little things. Most of us are vocal about $ex. It's important, it connects us, and we miss that close relationship. It's not the only thing that's important.

We miss what women provide that men do not.
Graycloud bangs finger with hammer -
Male friend - "You stupid ***** watch what you're doing, you're getting blood all over my new pants.
Wife - "Oh Gray, that must hurt, come here and let me bandage it for you."

May be bad example, but you probably understand.

It's hundreds of little things like that that we miss. It's an emotional connection that we don't get from men. Women seem to be able to have an emotional connectionw with other women, but men seldom feel it except with their wife.

All us want that in our life. We crave it. It's hard to describe, and for some, it's difficult to admit, but those feeings are there.

I admit I don't know exactly how you feel, but I examine my feelings, and my desire to be close to my W, and I think I get SOME of it. I'm not feeling the loss, but I am experianceing the other side of it, and trying to understand it. I WOULD NOT want to be without this closeness I feel for her. For you three, the bond is broken, and you want it back. I think that is good. Even after all the bad, all the hurt, all the pain, you know the relationship, the feelings, the closeness, was good, and you want those feelings back.

I think part of it may be that we are often at our best when we give to others - and you need someone to care for, and protect. It's a symbotic relationship, where both benefit, and do better then either could alone.

I wanted to acknowledge your feelings. They are important - YOU are important, even if Sparrow didn't treat you as such. Binder, and AD are important. I hate to see you (all of you) wonder about that. I hate to see you suffer, and I wish it were otherwise.

In most ways you don't doubt yourselves, but in a few you do. All of us do, but it's far worse when the rejections has been so total by one so close. That's the healing that is taking place. It's hard for you to see, it changes only a little each day, but there is progress. It's in the things you say, and the way you do things.

I want to say again, that I belive you will make it. Im not all knowing, and I don't KNOW, but I think you will.
It's because of who you are. You are not a failure.

I commend you again for your search. What you seek is worth much effort. Knowing the truth about God is a wonderful thing. The help available is out of this world.
Pun intended.

Well.... that's been on my mind, and it feels good to get it said.

AD is flying to see me Friday evening Nov 4th and going home Wed the 9th. You and Binder are welcome to come.

With your home and all, I doubt that you could, but wanted you to know you are WELCOME if you were so inclined. Same for Binder - AD says flights into Las Vegas are cheap now days. (about two hours from where I live.)
Binder, it's not even hot now, you would fit right in.

God be with you all.

SS

Faithful,
I wanted to write you today too. This journey you are on doesn't have to be all work, and no play. I hope you get a a vcation too.

You have too kind a heart to spend much time being sad. I want to see you smile MOST of the time, and know you will be fine. I hope you are near that, or will be soon. Keep working on you, for in the end, that's all we have any control over. Once you get to where you want to be, the rest will come much easier.

If you get out this way, my W and I will buy you lunch too - or fix it for you at home if we're broke that week. LOL.

Keep up the good work.

SS

SS, that was very insightful. It made me very sad for some reason. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It made me think of all the reasons I enjoy having a man around. I love the differences between men and women.

SS, I like it when you talk about the happy things you do in your marriage as well. It's important to hear about those things, and I would love it if those here whose marriages are continuing and improving would talk about them more.

Thanks for the feed back. Perhaps there is more that can be done to promote the good side of relationships.


Along those lines, I have a question for you. Something that I wonder about is dealing with a work-life balance. You know what I mean. There's a deadline at work -- do you give up family time for it? How much family time? Under what circumstances? How do you know when it's not enough or too much?

My W has sometimes told others "he is a-work-aholic."
It's much better now than it was. There was much to learn, and much room for improvement, but progress has been made.

There are times when work must be done. Please forgive the personal references, but that's what I relate to. I hope it will help some.

We operate a retail camping store. Once a year we take inventory, and count all the stuff - all of it. We prepare a week in advance, working long hours, and we count after the store closes for the evening. It takes most of the night. The next day we are back to reconcile problems, and fix errors. My W helps, and the kids don't see us much that week.

If it were a month, or two months, I would probably do something else. There must be limits.

For me, I can do a night or two a week from time to time if deadlines demand. this is a small company. We loose staff, and need to re-hire, and re-train. We have funerals, weddings, and illness, so we help each other out. It's give and take. If I sub for someone one day, I know he will do it for me another. We get along, and we help each other.

If it were one sided, who would, or could live with it?
In other words, if they are flexible for you, when you want/need time off, and help you out other times, then it may work, but if it is not, I would have a hard time with it.

Those kinds of things. In my first marriage, I was probably average in terms of noticing when I was neglecting my spouse. I'd like to get better about things like that, and also become better at noticing when my own needs are not being met -- and asking for that to change.

It works best when there is communication.
My W doesn't say "you stayed too long at work."
She says, "I missed you, sorry you had to work so long tonight." I hear and I understand, and we grow closer even in the struggles. She is better at it than I. We work on it together.

You won't always catch it in time. You won't always be in a mood that permits safety. Most of the time, but not always. Then you remember - and you apoligize, and you do better next time. I am not mr perfect, this is a work in progress - so we grow....... together.

I haven't had much practice at that, and it would be good to have someone to mentor me along in how it all works. (I don't suppose Mrs. SS is ever going to come by to greet us, is she?)

You learn as you go. It can be really fun when you look back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When a child is in the school play, you arange in advance to get off work, and you have the understanding that if there is an emergancy, it't too bad, you will leave anyway. IN our case, if there are only two of us here,(slow winter days) and one had an accident and went to the hospital, the other would be stuck. So, there are some things that can stop even the best of intentions.

It's like this story I heard once......
There was a man who was having dinner with his family one night. They were all rushing through dinner, because the family was going to the circus that evening. Everyone was so excited; they had looked forward to this night for a long time.

Just then the telephone rang. The man got up from the dinner table and answered the phone. It was a co-worker at the office. There was a problem at work, and they wanted to know if he could come in to help solve it right away. They really needed him. The man’s wife could tell what was happening, she knew he would probably have to go in to work, and her heart sunk with sadness.

There was a long pause in the conversation, and then the man spoke and said, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t come in tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll see if I can help you with the problem then.” At this the man hung up the phone. The man’s wife looked at her husband longingly and said, “Honey, the circus will come again next year.” And the man replied, “I know, dear, but childhood won’t.”

You keep your eye on your goals.

My goal is to be a Husband, and Father. I work to meet those goals, and provide for my family. I work for my family, my family doesn't support me so I can work.

Stephen Covey in "7 habits" says that "no one on their death bed wishes they had spent more time at the office."

Perhaps the best quote of all comes from my father, who told me "Everyone thinks they will be happy in the future. You can't live that way. You can say that next year, things will be better, or that after we get our house things will better, or after I finish college, or after the kids are gwown, or after I retire...... You just have to be happy now, and If you can't then look at your life, and change what is not working. Life is too short to live that way."

I hope this wasn't more than you were looking for. Mrs SS could do a better job, but she doesn't come round much these days. (All she ever DID do was read.)

The short answer is look at your life, and change what isn't working.
It works for me - slowly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS

Weaver, Thinking about you. Please have a really, really, really good weekend.

Or, in the words of that famous song:
"Don't worry, be happy."

SS

OK,
Now,
Where were we?

SLH....... I am wondering how this week went.

SS gets stern look on his face, but can't hold it. He breaks out laughing.

I have some thoughts for you too, I hope you don't mind. Lets start this with a smile though. Too often, I get soooo serious.

Every marriage has it's crisis. Or, at least all the ones I know much about have had them. Yours is difficult, but not impossible to overcome.

I said lets smile, because we get in these moods where we are so worried about what will happen, and we forget to laugh and have fun. You are in the middle of what I suggested to J.
That is, if something isn't working, change it.

We forget that this isn't the end of our lives, but a new beginning.

We fear, and it holds us back from enjoying the good that the changes can make in our lives. New and better lives from our old ones.

I hope you got Mars/Venus and read it. Havn't seen you comment, or else I missed it if you did. There are lots of little things that can improve your situation. I think it would help you a great deal.

I am not kidding, I see opportunities, and I wish for you two to succeed and be happy. IT's so worth it.

Understnding that you have lots to do as a mother, and wife, I don't think I could trade you places and get anything near done that you get done. Realizing that, I still think you should read M/V. There are things aobut Ti you need to understand.

When you write things like "guess that shows me how much he cares," I laugh.
Not that I think the situation is funny, but that you are so much like we were - when our differences kept us apart, instead of bringing us together. I say to myself "Nooooo, plese read M/V, you need to understand what he is REALLY telling you."

I do see lots of hope. Realizing how hard it can be for the paycheck not to be there - please know we pray for your family, and you especially. You hold it together, until your partnership is more fully formed. May it become all that you wish.

SS

All right on target SS.

Who knows? Maybe sparrow will succeed at forcing me out of the house (seemingly what she wants) and I'll have plenty of money and leisure time. If I lost this place, I doubt I'd get another house right away, though I would look.

Anyway, big success today. Painting the new sill I put in my kitchen window. Replacing a sill - sounds simple, right? Wrong.

Love is a very interesting subject.
I read here (MB) about conditional love, and unconditional love. Experts tell us that Love, or what we call love is partly chemical, and partly emotional.

Dr Harley says that many of the problems in marriage - or what we see as problems, happen because we don't feel that "in love" feeling for our spouse. If you are "In Love" you get along better.

I look at this as the feelings you have at first - you can't stand to be apart, you think of the other person way too much, you can't wait to see them again.

I agree with Dr Harley that you can get these feelings again. Not the chemical part, but the emotional element can be with you all the time.

It's been fun, and the rules are what makes it work.
1. Meet each others needs.
2. Spend time together.
3. No love busters.

This is about spending time together.
You take the survey, and you find things you both like to do. Then, you do those things. Simple - very simple.
Oh, I know it's not always easy, but the concept is simple.

We had some family business to attend to, and decided in advance to make a trip out of coming home. The business finished on a Wed afternoon. We went back to the motel - my W had booked a king suite. Living room, and separate bedroom. She's worth it.

Thursday - we shop, then eat lunch at a Thai place - not bad either. The scenic tour starts on the Nebo Loop. Up a canyon, across the mountain, and down another canyon. Near the bottom there are ranches. The fall colors are beautiful. We discuss what it would be like to own a ranch there, but we don't have any money, so we just laugh about it.
Took this one for SLH.
Link 1

Then I hunt for some "framed" pictures like this one
Link

Wife waits in the car - so I took her photo too.
Link 3

The drive was so beautiful. The girl even more so. It's fun to make your W happy. It's fun to be in love. Fun, but maybe that isn't the best word. I don't' know if they make a word for that wonderful feeling- perhaps Love is the closest we can come.

Then down the mountain and she says" Nephi (a town) is only a few miles away, do you want to go out to eat? Yep, I did.

Then we head for the hills and find our camping spot in the dark. This is the west, and some places you can just camp. We drove until we hit a dirt road, and we just camped. Top of a mountain, the stars were out. Cold at night, snuggle in to keep warm. Tent wet with dew when we wake up. Breakfast (still more time together, we both seem to like breakfast.) is simple. Bagels, yogurt, and fruit. Start the tour for that day. Over the mountains, by lakes and streams. Drop into a small town with a mining and railroad museum. Spend way too much time there, but who cares, we aren't on a schedule. We both like that too - the love banks are going up.

Next town has a natural history museum. It's worth seeing too.
Link 4

We find a thrift store, and we have a ball shopping for anything we want. Find some classic books for the kids for Christmas. Spend about 20.00 total. Small towns can be fun.

Travel till way after dark and come to a small town. Motel says Vacancy - so we check in. Find small eatery still open. Mmmmmm.

The next morning we start out for Bryce canyon. Take the long way there. The scenic route. this is a section of the highway up a sandstone switch back. Note the motorcycles on the road below.
Link 5

It's easy to take good photos at bryce.
People on the trail.
Link 6

The colors are always so pretty when the light is right.
Link 7

The rim trail - and much of the canyon.
Link 8

Then we drove down to another small town and got a motel again. Small town diners can be good, this was. We walked around town, things were quiet. Cool after dark. Frost on the car in the morning. Living in the hot south west, we don't get frost in Sept, so this is kinda fun. We go to church, the people are friendly. One of the men knows one of my neighbors - sometimes it's a small world.

We leave town after church, and drive over another mountain. Eat lunch in these trees.
Link 9

It's cool enough for a jacket. The sun is out, the air smells of pine, and aspen trees. W says we need to do this more often. SS agrees. We laugh - and we are in love. Life is good.
SS

SS,

Absolutely beautiful photos man!

Maybe I'll have to buy another memory card for my camera when I go out there, or you can let me burn a CD if my 1/2 GB get's full.

-AD