</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> ...each of these steps was the result of some measure of coercion, each involved some degree of humiliation for me....In short, each of the things I've had to do has injured me.

I feel vaccinated against infidelity. I know that I will never do it. There's simply no way it will happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate to both of these points and your choice of words is especially powerful. You do a wonderful job of finding the right insights... and seeing clearly what the whole picture is, and the implications. ("I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.... boom boom boom..." - sorry, this song is stuck in my head but does seem appropriate!)

I see your recovery peeking over the hills - soon to charge over the top like a brigade.

Gray-

It makes me sad to see you hurting like this, it's not fair, you're a wonderful person and none of this should be happening to you.

I hope that you find happiness Gray, I know that you will, I know that there is someone out there that will see how special you are and will appreciate the qualities that you have.

One day soon the sparrow will realize what she's given up.

-Caren

Thanks, everyone. DV, I have Led Zeppelin in my head today... "Your Time is Gonna Come". Weaver oughta like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Caren, thank you. Do you see what it means, that you put energy into other peoples' troubles when your own life is in such turmoil? I remember when you first got here. You do seem like a different person now. You seemed so confused back then! Which... well, I don't blame you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Weaver, the offense that my wife has committed against another family still shocks me. I'm sorry enough for myself, but I'm an adult and I don't need my wife. Those two innocent children have been cheated out of their family, and I'm in a state of continual disbelief over it.

She comes today for the last of her stuff. She may be here right now.

I had a plan. I was going to get some chores finished, then skedaddle. I would leave my car parked in the street, and walk to the coffee shop for a while. My friend would pick me up there and drive me to band rehearsal.

I got up, got started preparing. Then car4love called. We haven't spoken in a couple of weeks, and we wound up talking for a good long while. Suddenly, it was 11:00. I showered, ran to the car wash. A long line of cars idled. The whole world is washing cars this morning. I started to feel anxious. I put on the Beastie Boys' Ill Communication and suddenly just totally relaxed. I got back here a little after noon, and thought, why should I run away from my house just because she's here?

I'm staying. I'm living my life. I'm doing laundry. She'll know I'm here. I will not look out the window and see if she's here. Nor will I avoid being seen. Will she think I'm spying on her? Will she keep one eye on the house the whole while? I don't care. I'm staying.

Case anybody's worried about me, I really feel okay. I have a lot I'm looking forward to.

Thanks again folks. Not being a real big help on the boards these days - it just doesn't always work for me any more, being so caught up in all of it.

GC

Hey GC,

{{{{{{{{{{{{cyber hug, GC}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just wanted to drop you a line....you have done so well...so much control over your life....I understand the issue re: wanting to be present and not wanting to be present...sparrow's presence has some effect but less and less each time. I look forward to the time when I can practice full detachment and this has no power over me...it is less and less each day.

The thing I like the best about what you said...I am living my life...yep...that is it....

You have worked on you...you have become a better person....you have clean laundry and a car....you can live with yourself the rest of your life...knowing you did everything you could and then some......

Signs of spring and rebirth are all around us...signaling a fresh start, renewal. You have learned so well and put the situation in its place. A whole life is more than one experience.

If you get a chance, try to do something fun this weekend....your chores are done...go out and play..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay strong, GC. There is a weather change on the horizon and you're starting to feel it. Those words that you wrote to sparrow? They're not hateful. Don't think that they are. Do think that they're the beginning of the rising of your phoenix from the ashes of your marriage. You are absolutely right that each step you've taken has been, in part, coerced.

Now, though.... now you'll begin to take the steps of your own accord. Now you'll begin to fly. When the divorce is done and the last of the threads of your marriage finally cut, then you will begin to live again.

It's incredibly hard, walking alongside the death of a marriage, knowing that YOU will go on even if it doesn't. It's hard to stay present with it, hard to stay in the moment and aware of each separate strand of agony as it plays across your existence.

Each bit that you truly feel, truly accept, truly engage with, though, becomes a part of a weave of wisdom and strength that no one can ever take from you. It is utterly worthwhile, this stuff that you're doing. I hope to God that you never have to live through something like this again. But while you are -- then LIVE it like it'll never happen again. Learn every single thing you can from what's going on. And find compassion in it. You're getting there. More and more and more, you are. It's really cool.

***Getting served her divorce papers, I felt like somebody had come to kill me. It really did feel just like I imagine it would feel to have a hit man come to the door.

Every step I've had to take - opening a new bank account, hiring a lawyer, arranging for an appraisal, setting up meetings with a mortgage broker, getting a new loan for my car, having her name removed from the gas bill, changing the locks, telling my friends, telling my family, reaching out to strangers for help, reaching out to her family for support, telling my boss, seeing a doctor to get antidepressants, finding a personal counselor... each of these steps was the result of some measure of coercion, each involved some degree of humiliation for me.

In short, each of the things I've had to do has injured me.

Love is a choice. The sparrow is dead wrong to believe otherwise. I choose to love her. I'm a better man for it. I'll soon choose to stop loving her. Knowing the real nature of love in this way will make me a better partner, and will protect my relationships in the future.

I feel vaccinated against infidelity. I know that I will never do it. There's simply no way it will happen.

I have never violated my promises to the sparrow. I have never given any of myself to another woman to the exclusion of my wife.

I have never intentionally done her harm or wished pain on her. I have never broken my loyalty to her. I would never knowingly hurt her for my own pleasure.

With her gone from my life, I will also never excuse her for what she's done. That doesn't mean I'm not forgiving. It means that without making amends for what she's done, she will never be off the hook as long as either of us lives.

What happened did not just happen. It was the result of conscious decisions, decisive actions done by the affairees that they knew would hurt people, and they did them anyway.

I try to be strong and principled. I try to face my problems. I acknowledge my faults and try to overcome them. I care about other people. I try to protect their feelings. I try to consider their needs, their wishes. I hope I do okay at these things. Sometimes I succeed at this, sometimes I fail.

I try to be courageous. Sometimes I surprise myself with my courage. Sometimes I'm surprised by my cowardice.***

If you want to give her last letter, I think this is the perfect one to use. Don't change a word. This says it all.
Mulan

gc:

So, what happened? Did she come and collect her chit?

best,
-ol' 2long

GC,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...vaccinated against infidelity.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like that statement.I feel the same way.

Another similarity is that I feel that my WH is ready to move on and be fine too.That our marriage,best friendship and 20 years together was a "primer".That our whole histroy has now just become a dream.That he can now go out and try to be the model man(who is he kidding?).

He once told me that he was grateful for the time we had together.Why doesn't that sound comforting?

Anyway,I know he hasn't changed and even if he stays with the homewrecker forever now,it's still a sleazy and scummy beginning born out of the pain and suffering of so many.I would not want to be him.

Sparrow might not be looking back but her past will catch up with her.One day.

Hope the removal of stuff went ok for you.Keep us posted.

O

She came, I think while I was there. My garage is behind my house. I was careful not to look out the back windows as I went about my business. Then I took a passing glance out to the street on the side of my house, and saw several cars, parked all helter-skelter. I saw what I think is OM's mother's car. I saw what I think is the sparrow's cousin's car. I froze. Seeing what looked to be evidence of the two families with their forces joined got my heart racing, and I became suddenly very shaky. I sat down for a minute, contemplated going out to make sure OM wasn't here.

I don't remember if I decided what to do. It was a hazy minute or two. When I got up and looked out again, the cars were gone. Like a magic trick. Poof! All gone.

Yes, O, I think sparrow is like your WH... the memory of our years is just a dream to her. It doesn't matter... it's over, and that's all.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening at my friend's house, tinkering with amplifiers and watching movies with a couple pals. I felt okay after I got out of the house.

Funny thing... there I was, all the strength gone from my legs. Fifteen minutes later, I was yukking it up with my friend while we drove across town. What else could I do?

I'm used to getting hurt now. It's like getting a whipping. I know it isn't over, so I just suck it up and take comfort in knowing it will end soon.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will also never excuse her for what she's done. That doesn't mean I'm not forgiving. It means that without making amends for what she's done, she will never be off the hook as long as either of us lives.

What happened did not just happen. It was the result of conscious decisions, decisive actions done by the affairees that they knew would hurt people, and they did them anyway.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I fear for her.

{{{Gray}}}

Shul, I am too.

So here's the thing. This is for all the "stuffers" who might read this journal.

I have in my life been a stuffer. There were things I wasn't crazy about in my M. Rather than confronting them, I stuffed them. As a consequence I came close to having an EA. How close you say?

I vividly remember having fantasies of being on my deathbed and asking for this OW so I could thank her for being my friend, tell her I'd miss her. That's getting pretty freakin' close.

For the record, I didn't let it get anywhere.

Sparrow had said, before we were married, that if I ever had feelings for someone else, she wanted me to deal with it in private and not tell her about it. And that's what I did. I reinforced my boundaries, kept my loyalty where it belonged, and nothing ever came of it.

But I was still stuffing. All the things I didn't like about my marriage remained in the back of my mind, to swirl around during idle moments. I didn't want to deal with them. Troubling my wife with them would have been petty and unappreciative and selfish. So there they stayed.

But the sparrow is the master stuffer.

She lost her father when she was 16.

She has never visited his grave. She was there when they buried him, and she's never gone back.

She always spoke admiringly about her father. But she also said he told her not long before he died that she was a disappointment to him. She was a troubled adolescent.

She used to be a "cutter" as a teenager.

All these things from her past, she spoke about them very little. When she told me about them, she downplayed them.

She has former friends who want nothing to do with her.

She always accused the former friends of pettiness and seemed to have no regrets, though I have a feeling she did some regrettable things to damage those old friendships.

Anything that happened with her father, it's been stuffed. Anything that happened with her old friends, it's been stuffed.

And the things that made her dissatisfied in our marriage, she stuffed those too. Then used them as an excuse to have an affair and divorce me.

Stuff, stuff, stuff. I think she can also stuff any bad feelings she has over what she's done during the last 10 months.

GC

Yesterday I received a notice from the county where OM lives. There's an unpaid parking violation on the sparrow's car from December, when it was still in my name. It seems she left it parked on the street when they were trying to plow, something like that.

In five days the state will come after me for the money and start sticking me with penalties and additional fees.

Nice, huh? It's not enough money to involve the lawyers, so I emailed sparrow's sister about it. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I am FURIOUS.

I know why, I think. It's because so much of my life is occupied by things I have to do because of her affair. Packing her stuff, talking to my lawyer, moving car loans and titles around, calling OM's county to inquire as to why they say I owe them money in "State of MN vs. Gray".

None of these are things I'm doing on my terms, because of my choices.

And plus the only reason I know about this is because she has no consideration for me at all, which I've known for a long time, but this was just another reminder.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> GC

gc:

Can you respond 2 them by telling them who the principle driver (and current owner) of the car is and where she is?

They might understand. Depends on who you talk 2.

-ol' 2long

I spoke with the court clerk, and she muttered knowingly when I explained, you know, like, "Yyyyyep", but she offered me no slack.

I emailed sparrow's sister; here's an excerpt:

On 12/30/04, she received a parking violation ..., what they call a "snowbird ticket", presumably when her car was parked ... at the home of her affair partner. I've received a notice ... If the ticket is not paid by Tuesday, 3/15, a fee ... will be applied, and the state will attempt to seize the funds from me.

Maybe I snuck a DJ in there, so what? I have a license for it.

GC

I hope to not care about this eventually. But: I am troubled by the likelihood that the sparrow's affair will work out. So is car4love.

Here's why I think it could.

Both of them stuff their problems. They have acknowledged this, to a point. But I know my wife still has some old guilt and pain stuffed away from before we were married that she has never dealt with.

They coordinated their efforts in the beginning. They conspired. They met with us almost simultaneously to say they wanted divorces. They did this so they could have sex, I think. I have a feeling they didn't do it before then, and they used that as a loophole. It isn't an affair because they said the D word before they hopped in bed. Though I don't know that.

They both seem to have accepted that there is going to be a period of pain and guilt, after which everybody will be okay.

They pretended they were just good friends for a while, with some success, until the affair was exposed.

They think it was okay because they didn't mean to fall in love. It just happened. Nobody's fault. Good/bad luck.

They both made a token effort to work on their marriages to me and car4love, but quickly gave up when withdrawal was too painful.

They are both very generous in relationships. They may not be champs at satisfying the right ENs, but they do try hard.

Why am I so haunted by this worry, and when will I stop caring?

Okay, thanks for indulging a bit of late-night musing...

GC

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Hi, GC.

I am too new here to give advice but yesterday I was researching old posts and found Weaver's very first one. I think it might provide some insight into what happens as a result of an A.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=028851

that's the address but I don't know how to post it as a link.

I am very sorry for your situation. I wish there were something else that I could do to help.
hugs

GC, I pray for the day that you will not care what sparrow is doing. Poor car4love will deal with the betrayal the rest of her life because of the child. {{GC}}

Hi GC,

I'm with you on the fact that we have all these loose ends to tie up when dealing with a WS.It's so unfair but,you know,life isn't black and white. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I can't tell you how much time and energy I have spent the last few months basically running this D show on my own.It has been dreadful trying to get my WH to certain things and he is really just letting me do all the work now.But,I don't care at this point.Like his indecision about ending it once and for all with the happy homewrecker or filing for a D,I had to take charge and be in control.There were so many name changes and new account issues that I had to do to get his name off stuff it was mind boggling.

Anyway,the issue of the adulterers working out in the long run,well,even if they do manage to stick together somehow,is it right,honest,moral,ethical,just,appropriate....? No,not one bit.So,at the end of the day,would it really matter if they stay together? Would you rather be them in any way? Just because they stay together does not make it right nor will it wash away the slime that their "relationship" began in or all the pain they caused.

I think many WS's do put a veneer of "acceptance" on what they did and try to fool themselves because they have to in order to survive.It will not hide the truth though.And Truth is what matters.So in the end,I would much rather be assured knowing I have done the right things in my life then be with another adulterer pretending that life is just moving on.We all make mistakes but the difference is that these two have not made ammends and done the right thing.You cannot build anything solid and honest from that shaky ground.Sometimes it takes years for it to crumble but the stats do not lie.They are there to remind us that this kind of circumstance does not go unpunished.

I would still rather be me and live honestly and justly than have those terrible mistakes on my record,if only that my DD's can look me in the eyes and I can look at them right back and feel good about who I am and how I have behaved in this life.For God as well.

I think you may stop caring about sparrow and the OM when you realize that what they have is not worth fighting for or living for.They do not "win",anything.That's how I look at it anyway.

Rambling rambling....


O

Whhhhooooooooooooga!

That's the sound of steam coming out of my ears.

Just spoke with car4love. It seems OM and sparrow have a new place. They've finally shacked up officially. IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. About seven blocks from my house. Practically in my backyard!

Another question. This doesn't concern me, but is it acceptable for OM to have his 3yo daughter sleep in bed with him and the sparrow?

Should all this be creeping me out?

'Cause it is!

I thought the one thing I could hope for was that these people would stay out of my life!

GC

Another question. This doesn't concern me, but is it acceptable for OM to have his 3yo daughter sleep in bed with him and the sparrow? I'd be tempted to report them to CPS or have car4love do it. Sorry about the close proximity, ugh.

{{GC}}