She will keep up with this until you have moved on. No advice, just a feeling I have. But then you will be in an even worse sitch, with not wanting to take her back but feeling bad about it.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gray, Only one of my friends gives me the gift of long, thoughtful responses to my troubles. She will spend hours on the phone with me, talking about my particular sitch at the moment and brainstorming ideas of how I can reach my goal. She is one of the biggest gifts in my life, and because she loves me with all sincerety I trust everything she says, knowing that she has said it with only wanting the best for me in mind. Your friends probably feel the same about you. My other friends and even siblings will talk to me, but they know what is best for me, and usually with quite a bit of judgement, giving no real help at all and leaving me feeling even worse. So who do you think I go to when I need to talk to someone and get some help thinking things through?

Like this girl I love, you are probably the very best kind of friend of all and that is why they come to you. They know you will look at their sitch without agenda and judgement and actually help them with what THEY want.

As for me I am doing pretty good. I am still listening to my positive, subliminal affirmation tapes, keeping a daily gratitude journal, reading a lot... and going out and being as sociable as I can.

I even joined a bowling team which starts Thursday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I got a letter from Dan. It was a very kind letter and I am thankful for it. He sent it because I left him one in the camper when I got my things. I won't post the letter here because I do not think that most people here want the best for those who have been a cheater, or for unconditional love to be something we should strive for.

That might be a little disrespectful of me to say though.

I still hope that through providence or something that he will have an "aha" moment and change his ways, but I am not banking on it.

For me I needed to be able to think of everything which happened without hatred and blame, and be able to say goodbye with love. Which I did in my letter, wishing him the best. To me if I loved him, then I would want him to be happy regardless of whether that was with me or not. And I am at peace now.

The guy who I have been "dating" as friends is getting on my nerves. I didn't even answer the phone when he called twice tonight. I get the most uncomfortable feeling that instead of bringing something into my life, he wants to take something from it. Hard to explain, but I think he wants me for my looks, and couldn't give a hoot about me. For instance he says all the time things about my looks and how he actually fell in love with me two years ago when he first saw me. But when he comes over, he offers no help to me at all. My car is acting up, and he didn't even offer to look at it. My lawn is overgrown and he hasn't even mentioned that. Also I was asking him about the best way to get the stuff off of the woodwork on the porch and he said it would be best just to take it off and replace it with new. He said it would be a very easy job really, and I said not for me because I am not a carpenter (he is on the side) and then he said well for you it would be better to use a chemical then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So now I am totally turned off by him.

Gray, A word of advice - if you do start hanging out with a girl you like, help her around her house with the "man" jobs and take a look at her car.

I just don't trust guys who don't do that I guess.

Oh I just read Gimble's link on Shellac, and I think that is what is on the window trim on the porch. Only it bubbled and broke apart and is as hard as marble. It is nasty looking.

Yes, SS, you can gush when you come back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Weaver, if your intuition is telling you things, listen.

GC, I'm so glad you get to answer SS's hard questions. He's so good at the hard ones. And GC, have you thought about maybe not shoving your dull ache into a corner, but really looking at what it's pushing you to do? Do these things you talk about, eh? Do 'em and do 'em again, insanely and intensely. Cerri suggested I do that with the man I ... love (go figure... still shocks me all the way to my toes). So maybe you could do that with the things that you want, too? Insanely, intensely, go after the dreams that seem crazy and out of reach. Sure, you'll fall and break your noggin just like I did. But you'll reach those dreams, too.

It's hard to learn to risk flying again after a fall like we've had. We take many more precautions. We think things through and we consider the ethics and the compassion. We wear our seatbelts and our parachutes and our five-point harnesses and we hope it keeps us from hitting the ground so hard the next time.

What flight is your dull agony pushing you to attempt?

Gimble,

I knew that...not then, but there was a short story in Isaac Asimov's sci fi mag one time, and it went into a little detail about it.

The human capacity to take what the world has to offer and bend it to it's own will and to it's own purposes is enormous don't you think?


Weaver,

If the guy is giving you those snarky feelings - so much that you don't want to talk to him when he rings LISTEN to your feelings. Chances are there's a lot more wrong with him than not being a fixer upper. I knew a guy like that once...it took me for freaking ever to finally get that I wanted him to zark off - even after telling him point blank.

- Kimmy

Eye of the storm, SS. Because we have done so much talking we are getting along so the punch in the stomach subsides only to be hit with the reality of the sitch again. He actually has avoided OW for a few days so we could focus on where we go with all of our ties finacial, emotional, kids, friends etc. I took DD for her first IC session yesterday. I have my very own CA in the making so it is good timing to get her some help.

Hi campers. not too much to report here but i wanted to say hi. i read here a lot and i feel for you all very much.

GC, your post tugged at my heart. you are asking yourself some good questions and that is good, it is good for you to push yourself to make more of yourself, but at the same time, don't be so hard on yourself!!! that is what i read in your post anyway. you are a great guy. give yourself time and you will figure it all out.

Weaver that was very odd to read!!! i get the impression that most people here want the best for me and i was a cheater!! and as for unconditional love, the focus here is always, look at yourself, look at your own behaviours which to me interprets to love unconditionally, don't look at what your S is doing, look at yourself and love.

just some of my 2 cents, for what it is worth...

Hi FL!

Hi ya FF!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC, I know you are a man worth knowing. You can't hide that part of you. Why do you think so many of us come here to sit by your campfire? We are drawn to you like marshmellows to a campfire. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS, nothing to report, but thank you for asking. Just watching & trying to help the flood of evacuees entering our city. We're at over 350,000+, including all the Houston areas. And, unfortunately, we are now suffering bouts of crime and destruction due to the criminal element which also came over. It's a shame; those numbers are labeling all of the evacuees as bad people. They're not, but it's hard to embrace the thousands who are still arriving daily, when businesses around the Astrodome, etc are closing due to the increasing amount burglaries, vandalism, etc.

How was your weekend? Your date? Did you get any more pictures?

FF, how did DD's IC session go? You mentioned she may be adopting the CA's decree. I often think of your daughter and the demons she is being forced to parry at such a tender age. The photos of her in her beautiful dress at that wedding you recently attended won't leave my mind. Sweet, young thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Are you still planning on going to Phil? What will you guys do there?

JJ, are you going to ever tell us MORE? I am dying over here. Don't be so cryptic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC, I know this is some serious oversimplification, but you want change. You've outlined some specific areas where change would be good for you. And you know that staying in your comfort zone isn't really all that comfortable, after all. What else could you do? What are your options, specifically? What are your ties that bind? Which is more painful for you, staying where you are, or moving on? I'm not saying it's easy (it most certainly is NOT, and I hope you don't feel like I am talking down to you) but it is definintely more simple when reduced to mere words, a plan of sorts. (Dang, if I didn't have such a stubborn H, this would be some good advice. Ah, my kingdom for POJA!)

And by the way, GC, we chicks use our Freak Radar, of course irl, but even on the board. We can easily spot a freak a mile off, and adjust our contact accordingly. And yet here we happy campers sit! Just let me say: A freak you are not. Nope, uh-uh. Not even close, GC. Heck, if I was a hot young single thing, you're the kind of guy I'd be persuing with a relentless, single-minded passion, LOL!

Weaver, life's too short to spend time with someone you're not happy with, even marginally, as "friends". If you're this unhappy with him now, imagine the growing resentment you'll begin to foster towards this guy if he continues to hang around. Cut him loose -- over and over if he's too dense to get the picture the first dozen times -- and move towards your happiness. You'll not find it with him, honey, and you need to be fair to him and yourself.

Oh, and Weaves, I'd be interested in what Dan has to say, and I could/would respond without bitterness or anger. But I guess I am interested in what specifically you are concerned we might think. Forgiveness is never a bad thing, and neither is cherishing happier times forever. But does the letter hint at something else?

Re: your bowling league; I love bowling, but have little time to go. I hope you have a good time with your league!

Kimmy, you've been fairly quiet about the custody thing. How are the kiddos? Any more news?

AD, I hope DD is doing better.

FL, whad'up, sister? Long time no hear. How have you been?

And why the heck is Binder so quiet? I'm really getting concerned, mister. Still no updates that I've seen.

And where's 2Long?

slh

Howdy, SLH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> DD's IC went ok she was uncomfortable but managed through it. Yep CA in the making but we will nip that one in the bud LOL. We are going to Philly for a conference on encephalitis which is what DS had 6 years ago. The icing on the cake is meeting my long time on line buddies form my support group. I am quite excited about it. DS is staying home with dad while DD goes with me. Good mom/daughter time as well.

Hi SLH,


Hi SLH,

well i was pretty unstable last week but i have gotten back my internal peace. H and I had a very nice weekend followed by our 19th anniversary yesterday. I took the day off and we spent it together. it was a very nice day. i was a bit anxious about it, mostly cuz i figure H has nothing to celebrate. but the worry was for nothing. once i focused on just providing a stress free, relaxing weekend for him (and me) everything worked out just fine.

Hi FL (waving).

Kimmy!!! Updates on babies!! Soon!!!

:: sheepishly :: Please?


slh

HI KIMMY!!

All gentlemen please be careful reading the following:

We had mijo circumcised yesterday. OW let us take him home as we are "better able to care for him." (her words)

I have gone back to work full time so that we will be able to afford to pay the lawyer. Meanwhile, we are still collecting evidence of OWs neglect (she left the kids with her druggie brother, who has had his own kids taken by CPS this weekend. Why? So she could go out drinking - CPS and SAPD were called to report it - so it's on record).

That's about it. Called Wookie awhile ago and mijo acts like nothing has happened "down there" - that is, until you change his diaper.

- Kimmy

Kimmy, you are such a blessing to those kids!!

Oh Kimmy,

I am glad you are working together regarding getting the atty and pursuing this coarse.!

FL,

Yes, I am odd and odd things often come out of my mouth. Everyone on this thread just puts up with it though, been going on so long I guess. I am on another website which focuses entirely on self and growth. The WS/OP/Walkaway are entirely irrelevant in every aspect of personal recovery. Very different from here, in my odd opinion. LOL BTW been following your sitch for awhile and wish you the very best.

SLH,

I will email you the letter from Dan.

To everyone,

Yes I am ending my friendship with him. At least I am getting red flags. Can you believe it? Me getting red flags, I think that must mean I am becoming somewhat healthy where guys are concerned.

Hi Weaver <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Glad your radar is picking up on the red flags

Thanks FF.

And it feels so good to start feeling happy again. That attachment is fading Faith. And I would really like to spend a long time alone so that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am truly happy inside and have something to give and share, if love ever does come to town again.

Glad to see you are able to work together with him now to handle things amicably.