Thanks RedHat, I'll do that...may help to visualize things.

I just had a thought, too...and I don't care whether or not anyone reads this, or replies to it, the writing is often the best therapy for me...

I think she wants ME to be alone more than she wants me to LEAVE her alone.
I've been depressed all day because I've felt like my Plan A must not have worked since one minute she was loving me and the next she was telling me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

And I thought it was mostly "she's sick of me, done with me, and she wants to focus on OM." And perhaps in the fog that is part of it, but deep down in her REAL heart and soul...

I think she did this more for ME than for her. Look at her email again - it's mostly about this past month of Plan A being about MY unhealthy attempts to win her back, and not buckling down to fix myself.

If her biggest complaint against me is that I have dependency and self-esteem issues that make me clingy now, and a narcissism that maybe was a factor in my infidelities, a narcissism that is now making me more concerned with KEEPING her than with FIXING myself...

And she has actually been fairly open and sweet to me, even though she's pretty foggy at times and tends to go off on rants...I really haven't DONE anything horrible that would make her say "I don't want to talk to you"...

sooo...
Why did she??

I think she wants me to be alone with myself, so I really DO start working on myself, something she thinks I can't do when I'm around her so much and so worried about getting her back.

That she wants me to learn how to live alone and be comfortable with myself because if I don't we'll never be able to reconcile and rebuild our marriage.

I think she told me "no contact" because she's desperate for me to get started so that she can come back to me sooner than later.

And of course, I know a big part of her is still angry with me and hurt and wants to sort out her own heart and mind and make sure this OM isn't the real deal (which I think we both know he isn't).

I think I'm coming to terms with this lack of contact...it will hurt like hell because I miss her terribly, and love her, and really enjoy being with her, even now...
But I think I'll be able to deal. I've been much better tonight than I was earlier (5 beers and my stupid friends will help that I suppose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Not feeling great...but feeling better....

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 01:05 AM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

Heard Extreme's "More Than Words" on the radio driving to work this a.m., made me think of your sitch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Weaver: yes, that song IS pretty appropriate, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Had a little bit of a bad spell last night after my last post - lying in bed and all I could picture was her in bed with OM, smiling and kissing and getting SF and....

And happier than she is with me.

Ooooo, that visual always gets me soooo upset! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But I always get it when she's there with him (and she hasn't even left yet, and I'm already having these visions...it's gonna be a looonnnng weekend).

This is really tough right now because before a few days ago, it was one thing for OM to be in the picture - at least I was still talking to her, seeing her, trying to fill her EN and feeling good when she loved me back...

But now that she's not talking to me, I have both the visions of HIM having her, AND I have no feedback from her that reminds me that she still loves me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yeeeshhhh....

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

have you consider taking some AD ?. It might help you to slow down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

Redhat's advice is excellent regarding the A/D's. Even Harley recommends A/D's as a first step for people dealing with this type of extreme trauma. Talk to your doctor about it though, of course.

I am on Lexapro, and many, many BS's on this site are also on A/D's. They will help with anxiety as well as the obsessive behavior and thought process you are experiencing now.

Also could you just keep one thread going but change the topic as needed. It is easier for those you are supporting you to follow your story.

Weaver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> Redhat's advice is excellent regarding the A/D's. Even Harley recommends A/D's as a first step for people dealing with this type of extreme trauma. Talk to your doctor about it though, of course.

I am on Lexapro, and many, many BS's on this site are also on A/D's. They will help with anxiety as well as the obsessive behavior and thought process you are experiencing now.

Also could you just keep one thread going but change the topic as needed. It is easier for those you are supporting you to follow your story.

Weaver </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will look into that if my situation doesn't improve. One thing I've noticed about myself is an uncanny ability to bounce back quickly. I've already started to come around, my moments of panic and sadness are diminishing more and more.

My current obsession is more a result of the circumstances...she was initiating lots and lots of contact with me and I was using it to be clingy and possessive and pressuring, so she stopped, cold turkey.

She actually has done a version of this before - back in August and again in September she started feeling confined and pressured by my constant focus on OM, and put the kibbosh on me for a bit...a few weeks where we didn't talk much, I didn't see the house for a full week, and things improved, so she stepped up the visits, TMs, and phone calls and actually was asking me to spend the night, etc.

But then I blew it again just recently.
Not only with the groveling, but with a few minor LB's I dropped on her on Tuesday. Stupid. But, I've dropped bigger ones before, she's freaked out on me, then come back around in a few days, so...

I'm hoping she'll just take a few weeks or so to calm down and feel comfortable around me again. I know she loves me and likes to spend time with me and talk to me, so I don't think this will go on for too long.
Plus, her birthday is coming up in 12 days and I wanted to take her out, she can't pass up a free fancy dinner! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The difference will be that I'm using this break to get more comfortable being by myself and with myself - I was much less that way even in the good times of our M - where she would go away for a weekend with her Mom and I'd be pacing the floor waiting for her to come back, but if I left for a weekend she used it as time to relax and have "alone" time.

So, when she does initiate regular contact again, I'll be much less likely to be obsessive, needy, clingy, and freaky, and I'll be able to show her how much I've grown...

Because honestly, that "neediness" is one of the roots of my infidelity. And she recognizes that, so this current round of obsession scares her even more. If I can show that growth, she'll actually be that much closer to believing in me again.

I just WISH she didn't have to involve OM right now, I think it would make it so much easier for both of us...

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

At Weaver's suggestion, keeping developments on one thread and changing the topic title...just figured out how! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So...I haven't spoken, emailed, text messaged ONE WORD to my BS/WW since Tuesday night at 11:15pm PST. That was the night she sent the above email requesting NC and I replied.

It's been VERY hard, and as per the psycho rants on this thread and the other thread "QUICK HELP should I send this email to BS/WW in pseudo-Plan B?" I've had to be smacked around by y'all a few times.

I'm mostly OK now. I resigned myself to the facts that
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't change her mind by pressuring her/being a sad sorry case, even though all the time we've spent together lately I have also done a great job filling her EN</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She needs this space and "silence" to figure out her head, and hopefully come out of the Fog, even though she's not in NC with OM and he gets to fill her EN while I no longer can</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wants me to use this time to heal my own issues and fix myself, so hopefully in the future we can reconcile</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need this time too, to learn how to be alone and not pin my feelings of self-worth on her or others</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I still have sad moments where I miss her terribly, and I have enraged moments where I picture her with OM (she's flying to see him as we speak).
But overall, I'm doing...OK.

So an update...
Previous posts on this thread told me not to contact her at all and respect her wishes. I did.

I was about to send an email the other day re: "I'll still come take care of the cats this weekend"...well she never said "yes do it" or "no don't" so I dropped by the house this morning after I thought she'd be gone to the airport (imagine how much my heart raced when I realized that just because her car wasn't in the driveway didn't mean she wasn't still at home - duh, the garage! I freaked for a moment that I was going to see her)...
But she had set a ton of food & water out for them, so she's thinking I'm not coming by. That kinda bummed me out...

But then when I got to work, I decided to send her this TM on her cell phone, since she's probably sitting at the airport right now:
"Have a safe trip."
That's all I said...

And she actually texted me a reply:
"thanks."

I'm certainly not pinning all my good/bad moods on the tiniest thing she says/does (my mistake before)....
but I think the fact that she TM'd me back at all is a good thing, no? She could've ignored me entirely.

I think it just confirms my list above, that she still cares and loves me but needs SPACE. We'll see what happens when she returns on Sunday night.