Okay....on another thread I posted some pretty great news. My WH has cancelled the divorce, it is being dismissed in court as I type this. He insisted we burn the court papers yesterday. He actually told the kids that mom and dad wouldn't be getting a divorce and let THEM burn the papers. He's changing his cell phone number today and I'm sending off the NC letter we wrote together. The change in his voice and demeanor is amazing. He's actually excited about this.

BUT.... he's leaving. One of those job offers in SAT has a position out of the country that he's going to take. It will take him to central america for about 20 days. He plans on leaving tonight to drive down to SAT, he'll be there for about 7 - 10 days while they get him processed and then he'll be gone.

My head is just spinning. He DOES need to work. He's been out of work now since the end of August and it's not only hard financially. His provider/supporter is screaming to get in action. He's never been out of work unless he was in school and even then he did something part time. We had a long talk yesterday and he said that while these last two months have really been wonderful, even when he wasn't letting me know he felt that way, his ego (best way I can think to put it) has taken a huge hit.

I do know he is serious about us. I know my guy and there is no doubt that he is 100% committed to his family right now and truly believes this is going to be for the best.

But I fear he is running off of an endorphin overload. He finally has a direction. He feels good about his decision to stay and knows it's the right one. It's like an alcoholic when they get that A-HA moment and have the best intentions in the world and are just rarin' to go. They can conquer the world and turn away from temptation because THIS time they are serious. He seems to really believe that if he calls me every free moment and burys himself in work while he's in SAT for those 10 days that he won't see OW.

I just can't believe it. Day before yesterday he told me he was having too hard of a time not answering her calls a few times a day. He's going to be in the same city and not see her? I believes he thinks that right now in this moment. I don't believe he's strong enough to test that though.

AND..I feel like I'm just getting my husband back and he's leaving in the morning? What the heck?!?

He thinks it will be good. He says that he thinks that he'll start going through FIM withdrawls and miss the kids since he's been with us not her these last two months. He says that going away for a little while will allow him to 'find himself' because he realizes he has lost something. He is looking forward to the opportunity to keep in touch with me, work his butt off and provide, get back into the line of work he loves and be able to get himself together. He says that he doesn't want to give me what he is. He wants to fill that emptiness he allowed to grow in him and replace it with a better man than he was before.

He also plans on stopping in Guatemala where his mom lives. I suggested he just go there for a few weeks and get back to his roots. They have a home in the city and a second place more up in the mountains where he could go and be by himself for this soul searching. Granted, he's not filling that provider need, but I can't see how leaving within days of ending his A, going to the same city where OW is for even a few days and being separated for a month is going to help.

Am I totally off base here?

I do believe he is sincere in his decision to end the A. He would not have told the kids we would not get a divorce if this was a ploy to see OW. The divorce is stopped. The letter is being sent. OW knows that he is staying with me and his family. He's doing everything needed and I would be the most excited woman on the planet today if it wasn't for this.

Faith - I am always very cynical when it comes to WS's telling the truth. This 20 day job, where he has to stay in SA for 10 days sounds fishy to me. Have you seen paperwork to prove he will be employed?

I haven't seen the paperwork, but I have heard the messages on his voicemail. The names match up to the ones I had seen in his emails that he doesn't know I've seen and there are incoming and outgoing calls over the last two days from the office he is saying he's going to work for.

I'm as certain as I can be that the job is on the level. I'm not too concerned about that. I also checked online and the unit he would be working for IS on another base as he has been trying to reassure me. It is also not under the command of OW's unit....checked that too.

It's not the job I'm worried about. That's a true offer. It's that 10 days getting prepped for going to the job site that I'm worried about.

You are NOT off base and this is what I believe you need to do.

Either go with him to SAT (with the baby, take time off of YOUR work....have someone watch the older kids?!) and be with him as much as possible and go off to South America with him OR tell him he must not take this job.

Seriously, I understand financial despair(my H hasn't worked in over two freakin' years!) but the marriage will not survive another seperation. Reread the link I gave you last time. Look at the section about a wayward spouse feeling like going away 'to clear his head' HA!

here is that part cut and pasted for you....

"Sometimes a wayward spouse feels like getting away from everyone during withdrawal, and going on the vacation alone. But it doesn't work. It's too tempting to call the lover, and in many cases the lover ends up joining the wayward spouse.

If you go with your husband on this vacation, you will not feel like being very romantic with him. He should expect very little from you, because you will be recovering from your addiction to your lover. It's only after the craving for your lover subsides, and your depression lifts that you will be able to give your husband the opportunity to deposit all the love units it takes for you to be in love with him again."

You must still be clear on things with him. Dead straight clear.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]</small>

FIM....

Some of his thinking sounds just like my WH.

He's lost himself. He doesn't ever think he can get it back.

WH told me we can't work on things unless he's here. So I let him come home, and guess WHAT?

He can't work on things until he has gotten over what he has done to HIMSELF!

I'm probably not helping you much. WS's seem to go back and forth on their thinking quite a bit.

IMVHO, I don't think your WH will be able to stand it being in the same city with OW. He will be on her playing field, removed from you.

My WH and his OW work in the same building. He says he's doing everything he can to stay out of there. This is what he SAYS. Other than that, and not sleeping in his apartment, I can't see that he's really doing anything else to help our M or get over his A.

Like alcoholics, would you go to work in a bar if you're trying to quit drinking?

Again, I am at a loss. I feel what you are going thru....

K

FIM - IMO, SAT is the type of place you "do" as a family or as a couple or if you are single hell bent on meeting someone. Your dwh fits into none of those categories since he's married, but there w/out his wife/kids. Not a good place to be alone...too much temptation to go out....too much....

DWH either needs to take you or not even consider going.

- Kimmy

Faith,

I will be the dissenting voice here.

It is possible that he is being straight with you. If that is true, it might be wise to keep your fears to yourself for a bit and show him wholehearted support in this.

Maybe let him feel good about doing the right thing, and feel that he has your trust.

If it turns out otherwise, you will know eventually, but you have nothing to lose by choosing to believe him, whereas if you start questioning his every move, or following him around, it could be an LB.

His pride has taken a hit, and it may be that he feels this is a chance to redeem himself , to feel like your hero.


Try to look at this from all sides before you say or do anything. Tearing up the papers is a good sign.

I am in a similar fix today, btw. H has suddenly turned into prince charming overnight, and I don't get it. I am proceeding with caution!

Shul

Sorry, it is like an alcoholic going to a bar. Way to soon for him to be in SA...and without you. Do you have a parent or relative that could stay with your kids so you could go along?

If not, would a mention of exposing to her C.O. be in order if any contact is made. I don't know how you'd prove contact though.

Big red flags. This is all too weird. What a big let down after celebrating what you thought was the real beginning of recovery.

Could all this be some big ruse so he could still go to SA as scheduled and still stay on the fence and eat cake. Could it be a really deeper level of deception? Maybe I am just paranoid.

You know for certain he cancelled the D and didn't just burn a copy?

I really hope he is strong enough to handle this, and that he is being honest.

I agree with pickles - you should go to SAT with him. But you're smart enough to have already considered this and have likely ruled it out for pretty good reasons.

But what reasons are really good enough to NOT do this?

Alternatively, you hire a PI to keep tabs on him in SAT. One slip and you send him the camper. Dork.

Or, if you can't go for the whole time, plan on showing up unannounced for a couple of days - towards the end of the period. Not a perfect solution to eliminate all possibility od contact, but a pretty good check up.

What assurances has he given you that he won't relapse? Does he understand your reasonable suspicions? Or is he not yet capable of understanding?

A toughie fer sure.

WAT

GO WITH HIM TO SA. DO NOT LET HIM GO WITHOUT YOU. SHE WILL FIND HIM.

We lost thousands of dollars over my H's affair. Faith, you MUST go. You are right on the edge and you need to be with him right now. 20 days is too long. You will be back to square one if you don't. He will see her in SA. Why wouldn't he? He'll be alone. Just a drink...just one more time for old time sake. They'll end up in the sack. He doen't deserve the trust yet. It walks like a duck.

I've read on the OW site. They sometimes have laughed about NC letters. It was all planned by the two of them. They go undercover and still meet. It is like a drug. Why should you believe him. You have to do what you have to, but his sudden change sounds like he has to have one foot here and one there, if OW is so in love, she'd agree to anything. CAUTION!

I wanted to come back and post again after thinking about your situation a bit longer Faith.

I think his provider should beat the bushes for a job somewhere else entirely. Surely, if these jobs in the arena he keeps looking didn't exist....whatever would he be doing?

It sounds like he is looking only in the direction of jobs which require him to leave his family for months. Why?

Aren't there security jobs where he can come home each night and be a married man and dad?

Brainstorm with him on other venues.

Taking this job and training in SAT and then going to central america doesn't sound good for the family design. Redesign with him while he is gung ho to be a good boy (if indeed he is)

Crossed fingers for you all!

GO WITH HIM. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I can tell you right now, that I would go with my H if he were even going to be in the same state as the OW.

I would move the stars to make it happen.

Mere financial and childcare issues should not be a consideration. Do whatever it takes to be there..or he does not go with your blessing.

.02 Noodle

FIM:

I think you need to STEP back and really look at this situation. I think this situation is screaming with RED FLAGS. They can't be any bigger. I think there is NO WAY you let him go. He has not done enough to be trusted 100% yet. You need to prepare yourself for a let down. I have a very very very bad feeling about this. I hope you can see what is really happening here. Good luck.

FIM...Listen to everyone CAREFULLY! Why does he need to DRIVE to San Antonio? He doesn't need to DRIVE down here if he is working out of the country!

I do not want to scare you or sound harsh, but your H has not given up this A. He is still in the FOG and he does plan on seeing this OW when he is in SAT. My H hid it from me ALL THE TIME...When I thought we were in recovery we never were. He would only find more ways to hide it from me. Please insist on you go with him or he doesn't go. I would also suggest you contact this place to find out exactly all the details...how long and why he needs to go to SAT?

Listen to these wise people here...I made the mistake of NOT.

Oh, and I forgot to mention - DO NOT PUT IT PAST THE OW TO NOT TO TRY TO GET PG TO KEEP HIM. She's young and foolish. He's already broken it off with her, so if he backslides, she's gonna be looking for some leverage....what better way to keep him in her life for, oh, say 18 years or so?

JMHO. You DON'T want to have to deal with this...believe me.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Okay...I have been reading your story for quite some time now and felt compelled to stay out of it as you were getting good advice from the folks here..but and I mean BUT this latest turn of events has me very troubled and I hope you too.

This is what I read...your H has done everything right to get you off his back. It wasn't as hard as he thought so is feeling really good about it. He has taken a job somewhere of which you know nothing about, was supposed to leave last night to spend 10 days in the same town as the OW but has assured you that he would not see her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> yea....and then 20 days out of the country. Any chance that she could be going with him? And what happens to the car he is driving down there?

So this is a man that is SO happy to be back with his family that he is leaving for another month? The same one that you said was having a very hard time not talking to OW? And he has told her that he is staying with you, yet he is leaving? I'm sorry but I would wager a bet that she knows about this 'job' and that he will be in SA.

Please read what you wrote with an objective eye and see if you can see what I and many others have seen...you are obviously having your doubts; don't discount your intuition and talk yourself into something that you really don't think is true. Did he leave or is your silence due to the fact you have gone with him? I hope it is the latter.

Following up on VF...

Most [myself included] have only posted on the most outward prob..he should not go alone..but I think that I can say with a fair degree of certainty that the majority opinion [shul..with all due respect..gotta disagree] is that something is rotten in the state of denmark..or as it so happens..washington.

I smell a rat..a big..rotten..swollen..stinky rat.

I didn't want to say that..but now I'm saying it loud in case you might have misunderstood.

Go back and read VFs post..disregard mine completely. Then read it again. I too hope that your absense does not mean he has gone without you..and especially not with your blessing.

--Noodle

OK, for the benefit of the doubt. He has good intentions...not going to see the OW, going to respect the vows of M, has to take this opportunity.

BUT, this is probably too great a temptation too early in the recovery game for him (and you) to overcome.

How will he protect you and help you feel safe? What safeguards are he suggesting? It's not unfathomable to think true recovery can be beginning (there are FWS on here that continue to work with OP), but there have to be some EXTRAORDINARY safeguards to protect the love you still have for him...

Put your foot down faith. OW will try to get PG, she is desperate. She will see him in SA, you know this. He's playing you.