I suspect this is a ruse so the lovers can get together for ~ahem~

"closure"

Which, when translated into human language, means they re-pledge their feelings of belonging and affection and tell each other the following...

"You will always be a part of me"

crap like that.

This is a closure maneuver... I'll bet WAT's boat on it.

Pep

Perhaps he thinks he's found the solution to his split loyalties. Perhaps he's perfectly genuine in wanting to recover the marriage, but was overcome with guilt over dumping the OW cold. Could it be that this trip is for a final goodbye?

I'm not saying it's right, just trying to get into the head of a WS. It seems many find it hard to extricate themselves from the A and feel completely responsible for the OP. As it said in SAA 'most would like to take a Caribbean Cruise to say their final goodbyes'. It's doesn't seem unusual for OP's to beg for 'just one more time' together.

My FWH promised many times to end the A, but insisted on doing things 'his way'. I'm sure he thought he could damage-control the ending, but of course it always continued. Isn't this what many of them do?

You are so close now FIM, I really hope your H doesn't screw it all up by thinking he knows best. You've performed miracles since you came here. Try not to lose hold of the reigns now.

Well, intuition should NEVER be discounted. I've spent the last day trying reason, SF, love and logic to get him to see how STUPID this is. My inner radar has been going haywire and I kept trying to shush it.

I've been pretty suspicious though, so when I called his cell late this morning (he left today at 8am) and he didn't answer, I took the liberty of checking his email.

One from his mom. Fine

One from OW. On that cell that she doesn't have a number to. Yeah. That one.

It goes something like this:

"Hey there. I'm getting on the plane in 50 minutes so call me if you get this before then. Love you and see you later."

Pretty close to what she said. She was crying and sounded upset, but the fact is she is going to see him somewhere tonight.

So, I called him with no answer for about 15 minutes. My guess is he got the message she left.

He finally answers and I ask him politley if he has anything to tell me. He asks so surprised. Huh? What?

I tell him I heard the message and he hangs up on me.

Won't answer for the next 30 minutes.

He finally does and he says that yes, he lied about that but everything else is true. He doesn't want a divorce and that's it was dismissed yesterday. He wants our family and IS coming home after this job. He's not seeing her for the reasons I think. It's NOTHING like that.

Well, I'm done. I originally told him he had 4 hours to hightail it back here. Nope. Why? He can go and they can be a nice little lying cheater pair of unemployed, kicked out of the military scum bags. That has a nice little ring to it. I've called her unit and have asked for the battalion commander who should be calling back soon. She should have a nice little homecoming when she gets there.

B@stard!!!

Pep - WAT's boat? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My money's on Faith. From the time she got here, she has had the intuition to do the right thing. Sheesh she only had a couple of days to get the whole program down.

That little girl in SA doesn't have a chance.

Is this some cruel joke of fate that the only job your H could get happens to be based out of SA.

It is really way to early in your new recovery for your H to be staring temptation in the face. It is sad because it was all so promising...until this.

I think we all hope you at least went with him...not that that will prevent him from finding a way to have contact if that was his intention.

Praying for you faith...

Faith - OMG, I'm sorry. Stick to your guns girl, we are here for you.

FIM,

You can find out info from many sources.

1. There c/b MB contacts in that area.

2. Keep him in wonderment of your going or showing up there. Ex: "ok you drive and maybe I'll fly down on: _____."

3. Watch his actions and words. Don't react or give away your intent. If he questions your loyalty to him, shrug your shoulders. Gently remind him that his A was not that long ago and trust is still a delicate issue for you. Get him to feel sorry for your pain.

Just a few suggestions. I must tell you that I have tried these suggestions with slight alterations. You have a lot more in your favor than he has in his. Don't take the responsibility for proving your faithfulness. That is what he must do for you.

JMHO,
L.

GOOD FOR YOU!

I am so very, so deeply sorry FIM.

I'm proud of you though. I wish I could come and...well..swing a brick rather than a 2/4 at him.

I strongly suspected..but hoped I was wrong..but just had this feeling . Ya know? Your writing is so expressive that I feel I am almost in the room..so I get these instincts..from tone..and hesitation..and ugh.

--Noodle

I am SO sorry.
He blew it.

He thinks he is the one in control and doesn't realize YOU are.

You make the decisions since he is not to be reasoned with or trusted.

Go dark.

That A**.

Hugs to you FIM.

Just read your post..we must have posted at about the same time.

I am so sorry to hear that most of our suspicions were pretty near right.

I am so glad you turner her in.

This is an awful turn of events.

You are right, he is not just a dork anymore.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

And another thing!

Do not back out on telling her/their command.

It is time he realized that he does not have control over the outcome..only the choices..unless you are truly done..in which case F*** him and his future choices, whatever they may be..but still turn him in if only for the entertainment value. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

--Noodle

Plan A is hard, and was hard on you. Losing love and not having your needs met.

Time to stop the phone calls to him and the drama, stay out, protect yourself. GREAT!!! that you have called her unit. GREAT!!! that they may now start feeling some real consequences. That their fantasy bubble is about to burst. But the calls and the harangueing will only make HER look good and give him a rationalization to do whatever he is doing...


GRRrrrrr infuriating? You bet!! Step back and protect that love you still have, keep yourself from feeling too hurt right now. Suspect the worst. He is trying to give up, but his addiction is reaching out for him and holding on with all claws. Don't try to pull him the other way right now, let him go, let them fall into each other and see how they can dust themselves off...see how the reality of alienating EVERYONE around them will make their life better. See how he can talk her into some sort of arrangement and stay married ("But we have each other right now baby..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Take care of yourself. Send him a nice Plan B email, then go dark... GO on a trip out of town , or at least out of the house. Have a sleepover at a friends or something so the temptation to email or answer the phone won't be there. You are a strong lady full of fire. Sometimes a last meeting is important to take the shine off the diamond, so they don't pine for each other the rest of their lives... A last meeting may be a good thing, but we would never tell them that...

FIM..

Am I correct that this is his second affair?

Am I correct that you have now executed plan B twice..and that he has both promised and broken his promise of N/C twice?

Am I correct that he has lied about it each and every time?


>>>>raises eyebrows<<<<

Your H seems to be under the impression that he gets to just decide on the outcome as well as the choices.

What do you think about that?

Well, he called back.

"I don't want a divorce. What do I have to do to prove that to you?"

Uh....let's see....I think we went over this before but here goes..... Break up with OW and maintain absolutely NC and commit 100% to this marriage for the rest of your life.

Yep. That would do it.

Oh...wait....you already promised that. Nevermind. I'll have to come up with something else now.

So, basically he's doing this FOR us. Uh. Huh. You heard right.

He really, really, super-de-duper wants this to work. But he feels like he needs to MISS me...LONG for me. So, going to take this job really is about finding himself and longing for me. <job is legit. I called to confirm.> Seeing OW, well, yeah....he lied.

I just wouldn't understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (Yes. That's a quote, by the way.)

Ya, THINK??

Damn him!! Do I think a part of him wants to work this out. Sure I do.

I think a part of me is having fantasies about tender body parts and a meat grinder too.

Doesn't mean I'm gonna follow through though. (Yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

He says he's going to call me back because he is thinking about coming home.

I think I'm going to be running the vacuum and not hear the phone. I don't want to hear what he has to say.

If he shows up....well, I don't know. We'll see. Actually, no we won't. I'm taking the kids out tonight. Locks are gonna be changed by 6:00 too. He wanted to sleep in the trailer for a few weeks....our alley's as good as any other place.

Not counting on it though. If I had to place a bet on this one, he won't be here tonight. He'll think he can sweet talk his way back later.

I do believe that FIM has lost her sweet tooth though.

FIM,

Sorry for the revelations. Guess my post sounds a bit 'outdated now'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ok, your adrenaline is pumping but you gotta be smart. You realize you can't control his actions but you can yours.

Now before you 'execute' any plan, write it down. Talk it over with a confidant. ok?

Be smart. Your reaction and it's timing if vital. As for his wanting to work it out with his family and not want the D, is fog babble. He is seeing the OP with or without her clothes on. It hurts to expect that but if you do, it will not be as much of a shock. Just hope that when the OW sheds her skin, the snake trap is sprung and the OW is caught without a wing or a prayer. (ok so I'm venting a bit but it is for you, ok?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The wonderment tool is still a good one for you to use.

I am sorry for this predicament. It has happened to too many of us. But you will survive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

FIM - Reading your post took my breath away. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now and I'm so very sorry you.

It enrages me, the way they think they can pull all the strings and the BS will fall into their plans.

I know your mind must be chaos, but try to look at the bigger picture. Regardless of his outrageous behaviour, he does seem to have chosen you. You have been the one in control throughout this and I believe you still are.

I hope so much that he's on his way home to you right now. If not, then plan B is sure to slice through all of that fog. You must be exhausted FIM. Maybe it's time to just think of yourself for a while.

He finally does and he says that yes, he lied about that but everything else is true. He doesn't want a divorce and that's it was dismissed yesterday. He wants our family and IS coming home after this job. He's not seeing her for the reasons I think. It's NOTHING like that.

I'm tellin' ya... it's this stupid "closure" thing.

He's going to say ~this~ to YOU Faith ---> "I could not break it off with OW without telling her why I was going back to my family. I had to tell her why to her face. She needed to have closure." ... or something like this.

Please don't talk to your DORK for awhile. All you will do is argue.
No emails. No phone calls. Just ignore him until you can calm down. Until your composed mind can come up with a plan.

AND call your wonderful in-laws and tell them the sad news ... the affair is back on!

YES! This is part of Plan A ... exposure where it counts the most.

Pep

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Faith -

Pep is right. My WH went to say "goodbye" (boink-boink) in a motel room. He couldn't bear to hurt OW, and they both needed "closure".

I flipped out and told him to stay with her.

So you must calm down.

The thing that makes me angry is that he told your girls "no divorce". Then he has the nerve to continue on with actions that are just the opposite. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I do believe that his time with OW will not be as romantic as he thought - knowing that you are on to him.

I just got off the phone and read the new replies. I am going to just let him be.

Our conversation was actually very civil. More than that....is was civil meaningful bull$hit.

Contradiction in terms? Nuh-uh.

He wanted to talk to me about HIS feelings here. He feels really-really-super-de-duper bad about lying about seeing her. It was set up before he decided to cancel the divorce. And he really hasn't been fair to her. I need to understand that he's kinda led her on since he "broke up" with her. (WHOA - I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED). He hasn't been entirely truthful with her about his intentions to stay with us.

SO.............when she called him a few days ago and reminded him she still had the ticket and she still wanted to see him she figured that he could tell her then since she seemed so eager to see him and he didn't want to let her down.

Can't ya see??????? She doesn't deserve the wasy he's led her on. He wasn't going to CHEAT on me....just drive back to SAT from Phoenix with her and talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now that's assuming <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> it's really Phoneix she's flying into.

BECAUSE, it shouldn't even be an issue between us now since he left so late he won't even be able to see her. She'll be there all by herself and have to get a return flight.

DAMN! I must look stupid these days. Is there a creme for that? Lancome maybe?

Let's go along with this and SAY he won't see her now. I'm supposed to just say "Oh...well...you didn't see her so never mind the fact you SET THE WHOLE DAMN THING UP AND LIED TO ME!!!"

In any case, I don't believe she's flying into Phoenix. Tacoma to Phoenix in a day and a half? That would be incredibly BAD planning on his part. He's in a little 1989 Chevy s10 pick up pulling a camper trailer twice its size! Jeez. He's lucky to do 30 mph in the mountains on I-5.

Anyway, I need to realize (yeah, need) that he wants to LONG for me. That after he gets to SAT and goes to this job, he'll miss me so much it will be good for us.

He's only seeing OW to make it easy on her so it doesn't really count. Especially since he won't be now.

He's really been looking forward to the chance to TALK to me while he's driving. (Uh...girlfriend in the car!) We don't talk about the IMPORTANT things enough. Trivial things, kid stuff, but not the IMPORTANT things.

Hmmm. I see. The opportunity to talk about all that will certainly present itself between our work schedules, me caring for 3 kids by myself, and getting through to each other BY PHONE.

Stupid thing again.

So, he wants to call back at 4 PST and let me know if he's coming home. He's got a good idea though that I should think about......I know you wanna hear it!

Maybe, instead of going to SAT at all (for that job that is so important) he'll take a road trip to, oh, the Grand Canyon. Take some time for himself. (What about the job?) Then, he can get to know himself and come back a better husband and father.

Wanna know what I think he's wanting to get to know? Yeah....same thing you're thinking.

What a dork.

After all of this, he says how glad he is that we've been able to talk so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He feels I've really listened and heard him. He feels so much better now. <pause for FIM gagging>

He's feeling really good about US. He thinks I see where he's coming from.

Unfortunately, I do. I don't think he realizes just how much I do.

Faith -

My money's still on you. This guy is deeply in the fog. He is starting to believe his own BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse).

Hang in there Faith. This is extremely upsetting but may end the affair for good, and knock him out of fantasyland.