I'm staying dark. I'll also be checking the credit card activity...right now in fact!

It would be just like him to make this up too! So like him!

Just looked up Eureka, CA. Cute little seaside town, redwood forests, ambience. Funny he didn't get broken down in "one horse town", or "nowhereville".

FIM:

I have to ask you now, DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS MAN IN YOUR LIFE STILL? I know that many on here preach marriage above all else, but at this point, how cab you have nay self dignity and trust him. HOW ??? I just re-read your post on this board and you stated that " I know my man, he is 100% committed". Now, I am not poking fun of you here, just pointing out the fact that this should be the last straw for you. How many more deaths are you going to allow yourself to have at the hands of this man. I can almost feel in your posts, you still would take him bakc if he came back tnight. PLEASE !!!!! Stop this madness. Love yourself, and kick him out of your life forever (or at least the forseable future). The damage he is doing to your psyche gets worse every day that you "hang on". Once again, I will pray for you, you don't deserve what this man has and continues to do to you.

FIM
If you have AAA, call and see if they have responded to a call on your account.

Unplug the answering machine where at least he feels as if he is heard...even call and have the phone number changed to an unlisted number...

Mighty difficult to have a your mind in two places at one time especially when contact is cut off on one end.

Did you ever speak to her CO?

Faith -

How about reporting your credit cards as being lost?

Move money...money goes dark

Report credit cards as lost.... including the gas cards

Call in-laws and report the sad news...

Report the Dorkette to her commanding officers...

Do not speak to Dork until he is in YOUR face begging you to let him come home...

Make this his darkest hour... or else, it will not make enough of an impact...

I LOVED what the other poster said... forget hardball...It's NUT-CRACKING TIME

Turn the phone ringer off so the girls won't pick up the phone.

Crack 'em HARD

Pep

PS... I bet WAT's boat and Believer's Harley ... the Dorks are together in Eureka right now getting "closure". This was sooooo planned in advance.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepperband writes: "Do not speak to dork untill he is in YOUR face begging you to let him come home"

Pepperband, just one question. Then what ?? Let him come home after enough begging. WHEN IS ENOUGH REALLY ENOUGH ????? This is not a post against you, it is just that by now, FIM has suffered enough. Please tell me at what point can she stop suffering and start saving her self and dignity? Sometimes I get really concerned by the MB priniciples becasue they "at times" make you lose yourself. The WS should be given 1000 chances, and remember it is all "in the fog", so just ride it out. This message board is unfortunatley filled with more sorrow than joy, and more divorces and pain than reconciliations. I read these boards every day and feel the pain and sorrow daily with the posts I read, and I sometimes think, "we" get to caught up in trying to save a marriage at the expense of our own dignity and self worth. Lately, I have had enormous difficulties with rightfully telling people to "continue on" when they have been betrayed a thousand times over. Just my .02.

Lemonman,

Until FIM is ready to throw in the towel, these suggestions are being given to help her cope.

As hard as it is to imagine, most BS don't want t/b in this situation but their love for their family and the real spouse, keeps them trying until their heart and mind until are in sync and they are strong enough to end the M.

That time will come but no one not even the BS can hurry it up.

Be patient. It takes time. The BS has to work through it. If the WS comes back to their senses before that time, then the M could have a chance. In many cases here @ MB, it does.

Now the question is how good are you at predicting which ones survive vs those that don't?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> WHEN IS ENOUGH REALLY ENOUGH ?????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When FiM says enough is enough. Not you, not me, not pep.

Have you read up on Plan A/Plan B? Have you tried them in your own life? Sorry, lemonman, I must have missed your story someplace. Just asking for background.

Many people go through many betrayals during recovery and still go on to recover. That is why I am asking your background. Are you wondering whether you could do Plan A?

Jeez, if I had a quarter for every time something changes! He seems to really be in Eureka. His mom just called.

It seems that all the money is gone from our account <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And he can't get through to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And needs to pay the tow truck driver. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So, I had called earlier to let her know what is going on. For those that don't know, my MIL has been right by my side through this entire mess.

She called me to let me know she asked him the name and address of the towing company and their phone number so she could take care of it via credit card.

Ours don't seem to work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He's on the up and up on that. Probably the ONLY thing though.

ANYWAY, she mentioned to him that this was probably a sign from God that he should never have left and he needed to get home. He agreed. Said he can't get there now.

She said, FIM probably won't let you in anyway.

Love her.

She also reminded him that three nights ago she called us to tell us that she was 'giving a night to God' as an intention for us. She stayed up all night praying specifically for us. She wanted to know how her praying can work if he is fighting against it and walking with the devil.

LOVE HER.

She's right though. I'm not letting him back in. The only reason he's not with OW right now, if in fact she hasn't driven to see him by now, is that MY pick up broke down and I found out about the visit.

To clarify one thing..... (I hate to be wrong) ...... but want this statement understood. I DID SAY:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> I know my guy and there is no doubt that he is 100% committed to his family right now</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but went on to say:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong> and truly believes this is going to be for the best...

But I fear he is running off of an endorphin overload......

I just can't believe it. Day before yesterday he told me he was having too hard of a time not answering her calls a few times a day. He's going to be in the same city and not see her? I believes he thinks that right now in this moment. .</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He does believe he is 100% committed...sometimes. The "right now" at the end of the sentance is very important. Anyone dealing with someone in an A needs to recognize the "right now" portion of any seemingly meaningful statement.

I have given the benefit of the doubt tempered with a HUGE dose of cynicism. I've said elsewhere that he is incapable of telling the truth right now. Nothing has changed in that. I knew he would see OW while he was gone. I just didn't think she was flying off to meet him on the way.

My mistake. Won't happen again, trust me.

Might I be willing to work on this in the future. Yeah. Probably.

But I will ABSOLUTELY be giving the cynacism first and benefit later.

And HE will need to be the one to pursue this. We're not in Plan A anymore. He's sitting on the fence because he WANTS to not because he's confused. He admits to being selfish and treating me unfairly in this. He knows what he has in me. I've shown that to him. He realizes what he has and is simply allowing himself to willingly lack the intestinal fortitude to keep himself in line.

DONE WITH THAT!

There's bound to be some selfishness in recovery, I can deal with that. But THIS is uncalled for, unnecessary, cruel, mean, and just plain wrong. He's going to need to pull himself up by the bootstrap and decide that I AM WHAT HE WANTS..... ALL OF THE TIME!

I was ready to be understanding about a relapse in NC. Had prepared myself for it.

THIS used up all of his get out of jail free cards though.

I've always told him I don't want him groveling back to me. That I wanted us to both accept our places in our marriage, our faults, our weaknesses. I wanted to move on one day as partners with no one keeping score.

I'm liking the groveling right now. Doing this while knowing who you have beside you, knowing what you have to lose seems to me to be harder than finding out to begin with.

Then, he at least seemed to have convinced himself our marriage was over.

He just ended the divorce and STILL chose to see OW.

I can't look at him and say, "You're worth fighting for and I am going to prove to you we are worth it."

If this goes forward, it will be initiated by him. We're in PLAN B. I am in PLAN FIM. He'd better hope to God that his mom is willing to put in a night or two for his sorry but and that when he gets off said butt to come back, I am in a place to see what he has to offer.

But that ain't tonight!

(even if he WERE in town and wasn't calling mommy to help him 'cause his car broke down at night, out of town) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Originally posted by lemonman:
Pepperband writes: "Do not speak to dork untill he is in YOUR face begging you to let him come home"

Pepperband, just one question. Then what ??

First things first....

(((( lemonman ))))

Then what? Then Dork has the honor of seeing his wife and kids. Until then he's completely in the dark about anything on the home front. He left. he goes blind as far as knowing what's up with his family.

I did not say "let him back into the house"... I said do not speak to him until....

he is back in person
he is VERY convinced he's burnt toast

and after that....
and FIM can take it from there... I trust her.

Are YOU OK lemonman?

Pep

FiM,

With a Catholic mother staying up all night praying for her wayward son, the guy doesn't stand a chance.

Keep on keeping on.

~ Snow

FIM, our mother-in-laws are soul-sisters. Mine is also a Mexican lady .... and I did not have to say much to her before she was on Mr. Pep's butt saying,
"If you treat Pep bad, I will tell her that she is better off without you. You better do right by her or you will lose the best thing you have."...
She was lighting candles all over her house and having my H come pray with her...

LOVE HER!

I just read back over the posts that came up while I was posting my latest novel back there.

Lemonman - Thank you, truly, for the concern you show. I've went over many of the things you mentioned in your posts in my own mind many times.

I'm not sure what holds me up in this. What keeps me going?

Me. God. My own belief in the man I sent off to war a year ago. My kids. Faith - both in me, hence my name, and my husband.

Do I really want this man in my life?

Hell NO!!!

I do want that man who left though. I want the man that stood beside me as we brought each of our children into this world. I want the man who stood for his family. I want the husband, the dad, the friend, the lover that I believe, and have seen, this man can be.

I can not make him that. I wouldn't want to force that out of him. But I see glimpses of him. I feel him at times when we are together.

He realizes he's missing something of himself. I believe he can get that back and be an even better man.

But I don't want the person he is now. He knows that and I think I've made that one very clear even here on this board. I expect more from him.

For whatever reason, I haven't given up hope that he'll come back to me. I've got pretty good instincts. I believe he can...and will...come back to me. More importantly, I believe that he will come back to me a better man than even the one I loved before.

I don't know that I'll be able to still be there for him then. I don't know how long it will take for him to get there.

I DO know that when I am done, I will be done. If I walk away while I still believe something can be better and that I still have the strength to be his lifeline, I will then lose my self-respect and dignity.

I do this as much for me as for anyone. I don't doubt my ability to find another love, support myself, be alone.

Hell, I'm a reservist wife who's been through two year long deployments with a pregnancy during each of those deployments. I've dealt with raising our children alone while he travelled 2-3 weeks of the month Monday through Friday for his job all while working full time. I've been alone and it's sometimes nice.

Fear is a factor in the sense of the unknown, but I'm not here because of fear. Or a lack of self confidence, ask Faithsfriend!

I believe in the man I married and the man he can be. I don't believe in the man he is, but I am willing to wait and see if he'll come out. How long? Who knows. Maybe I'm already done. We'll just have to wait and see.

But, I hold on and keep getting back up because I can. I saw a quote the other day that I really liked:

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.
Abraham Lincoln

Mother in Laws can be such wonderful allies. Mine is a gem. I love her and couldn't have better. She is a catholic too and always prays for us. She asked him if his OW had a 'silk-lined vagina' because she can't understand how he could contemplate leaving us for a scumbag.
So, just thought I'd raise a glass to some wonderful, wise, older ladies. Hope I can be half of what she is. FIM, isn't it sad that this old(er) lady is losing all this sleep over her sh*tty son. Wouldn't you think he'd just want to give her some peace of mind and some peaceful nights. So so so selfish.

Good for your MIL. For the record, my MIL was an affair accomplice - apparently believed the crapola my WS told her.

FIM - what's with the credit cards that don't work and the account with no money? Did Dork max them out and drain the account?

WAT

FIM....

Sorry for this turn of events. I have read your whole thread. Again, I glean for advice.

Right now, we are in withdrawl....I think. I read something about a voice activated tape recorder. I think I'm going to get one. Then, I can know for sure. My WH spends a lot of time in his car. And on the cell.

Take care of you and your kiddies.

You should be the PosterChild for MB! My WH is a dork also, but possibly a sneakier dork.

Your WH just felt the sharp edge of the axe....where you bury it is your choice....either "head" will work!

And GOD BLESS YOUR MIL!!! You are very lucky to have such a person praying for you!

K

Oh he is right on schedule. I told you they would plan a meeting.

No, this is not the man you want. You want the man you married and he is in there somewhere, but this just adds to the pain of recovery.

Lemonman, why? She believes in her vows, she has children that would be better off with both mom and dad and she is Catholic. We're raised that way. Marriages can recover and Faith is a posterchild for MB. By going dark (plan b) she is putting the ball in his court. She did an excellent plan a and now it is up to him. Yes it is his second affair, but they were not in MC then, they are older now and have found MB. The original problems he had were not fixed ergo repeat affair. It doesn't mean the end. A marriage is more than that and as Catholics we fight for marriage. LM you are new, you should read Surviving the Affair and His Need Her Needs, or are you really an OW coming to make trouble?

Anyway faith, go foward with plan b, change the locks and take care of yourself and the kids. Leave the rest to GOD. Let live, let go hon. It's his turn to do the work. You have given your all and then some. You can't change him, you have done your part and if it is over (it's not-he'll be begging when he sees you mean business) you know you have done your best.

One more thing, time to expose her to the CO. She needs to learn that everyone pays in an affair. You and your children have paid and it was not your fault. How dare he tell your kids you aren't getting divorced and then leave to see the OW. When you mess with kids you get me really mad. How are they ever going to trust him?

Faith, be strong girl, I know you are. Get angry and focus that anger on a good plan b, for the kids. If he screws this up he is not worth it. He will find himself alone, no wife, no kids and no OW because she will grow up soon too.

Call the CO. Call the church and maybe call her parents again. Let her parents know what your H told you.

BY the way, you have great mother in laws, mine told him she would support whatever he wanted. I won't forget that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> FIM - what's with the credit cards that don't work and the account with no money? Did Dork max them out and drain the account?

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope.
I transferred the money to an account I had opened a few months ago. The credit cards were put on hold by me yesterday.