Faith darling...can I borrow your MIL...like for a few weeks.....then I can bring my WH in tied to a chair and let her at him....I mean the woman seems like the best MIL.....mine is like oh well he's trying to move on.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...no real help on that end

She is one of the best things to happen to me! I've always considered myself lucky to have a woman like her in my life. She is an inspiration in her faith, the way she lives her life and in her steadfast love.

She told me today that many years ago I became her daughter and she will never let me go regardless of her son.

Considering I had just finished telling her that although I'm not saying never, I can't envision a happy ending at this time, that says a lot.

On top of all that, she's an AWESOME cook!

mine said that to me in the begining too....now she told me what I said before....but anyways....you know I think you and the kids need a road trip....come see me...our aquarium here has the only captive great white shark... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I know I sound like such a lonely frump....we'll i am kinda.

Have you informed her CO?

And ditto Pep - do not threaten this or tell H or OW that you may inform the CO.

WAT

((((((FIM and kiddoes)))))))

Love to you sweetheart! You are awesome!

Are you still tellin' the CO? Did you ask Steve about that?

- Kimmy

I am intending to tell the CO. I started another thread yesterday trying to find out the best way to do that.

I've left a message with the battalion CO office and had no return call. I've sent an email to the contact for the battalion on the web site. Nothing.

Yesterday, I called and spoke with someone there and they said they wouldn't tell me the name of anyone in command.

The problem seems to be that I know the battalion she's in, not the company.

So, I'm going to see the IG later today, or at least call if I can't get in.

I'm also going to ask what the likely repercussions are, for both her and WH.


And I have learned the lesson to keep my mouth shut before acting!

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I can think of two possibilities that you do not seem to have tried..

You can report to his CO instead..if telling her CO will affect your H... the reverse should also be true.

You could get in touch with the battalion and tell whomever you are speaking to that you need to report a crime and ask who you need to speak to in order to do so..and work from there [after pressing charges] Adultery is a crime in the military so that..in theory anyway..should work.

Good luck

--Noodle

How about we crash SAT? I'm still up for it.

I kinda thought this would happen. Doancha hate the military's "turn the other way unless it stinks so bad we can't ignore it anymore" attitude? The only way they're gonna listen is for it to start stinkin' in their general direction...

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle
You could get in touch with the battalion and tell whomever you are speaking to that you need to report a crime </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. I think this should be done in writing, not over the phone. Create a paper trail.

Pep

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Wow, what an interesting turn of events. You miss a few days and life moves pretty fast around you.

Seems like WS (and BS) get so caught up in the excitement and the drama.

He seems like he's still trying to work out a plan where you BOTH are getting a piece of him. What is this doggone loyalty WS feel towards the OP? They don't want to hurt them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !!

I know when FWH sent the first NC email he said to me he imagined that she was crying when she read it...good!!! Would it make up for the tears I cried?

What was integral in our recovery was the Plan B letter. It was OK to go dark and end non-essential contact with the WS, but when I gave him the Plan B letter, that was decision time for him...he had to decide whether to stay (with the 5 things I laid out) or leave.

I can't stress enough how important the letter is. It lets them know what they need to do come back...saying it isn't enough, they forget...they need something in their hands that can act as a lighthouse. Something that is unfailing, unfliching, calling out through their guilt...

BTW, I LOVE your signature lines!!!

Faithinme -

I'm a military wife. I'm going through what you are going through. I might be able to help you. I learned so much during this. I do not know your entire story but I think I get the gist.

If you are stationed at a post (some military families are not always attached to a post) you will want to contact the IG. If you have access to people at the batt. or company level you will have to decide for yourself at that point if you think they will be helpful. Sadly enough it will not add pressure all the time...most chain of commands will turn their back on you and support the soldier. I've witnessed this far too often. But if you go to the IG you can put pressure on her unit that way. If your H isn't in the military that would be the swiftest road to justice...if there is one.

If your H is military I would make sure you were positive this is what you want to do before you proceed.

I hope that helps and doesn't confuse.

I wish you luck.

Exposure ended my H's A with his boss. Both military...imagine that. I had to handle it very delicately to avoid ruining his career.

Trust your instincts. I believe you have a great plan. I agree that you should wait until after the 17th, that is what is best for the whole family reguardless of the affair. I also do not believe this is hopeless. It almost resembles a fuge...where people walk out of their lives and don't remember anything...kind of like the fog.

I also wouldn't let my child go to latin america. If he brings her there, he may be able to keep her there. I know in some countries only a father has rights. Be very careful. He doesn't deserve family at this point.

His fantasy will crash. He is acting like a teenager with another teenage OW. He is running away from responsiblity. Faith, you are doing all that you can, you have done a wonderful, wonderful job thus far. He he can't see the diamond gem you are he is a fool. He'll be back. I am quite sure of that.

I don't know what lemonman wrote, but he/she is not that familiar with MB. My H and I are a success story. I followed MB and we have a better relationship than ever. I will say that if he is a man, sometimes it doesn't work the same way. Men and women are different in how this all works IMHO and from what I have observed in the past four years. I am sorry if it didn't work out for him, but your story is classic and I am quite sure he'll be back. That is why he stopped the divorce and told the kids. That is ammo to get back home after the folly.

Trust your heart, you are doing just fine. We love you. Hugs...Jersey Girl

You can still call her folks and explain the whole thing to them calmly so that they can see what a great kid their daughter has become.

I also agree with heroswife. This is possible. I also think she called that number and had a friend cover for her. Petty sure the warning by you was met by one of her own. You are the outsider.

FIM! this is mom, not dad...i was too lazy to sign out and in again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> My plate is pretty full right now, but I go to SAT at least twice a week right now. I live right near BAMC! sooooo, if you need any help let me know. I will back in SAT on Thursday afternoon thru Sunday. I can look for your WH truck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And maybe burn it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> JUST KIDDING!!!! Just let me know if you need my help to make local phone calls or anything! I'm around off and on. night all!

Hello.

I'm not sure what's going on right now. I've talked with WH's mom, sister and brother today. When I talked with mom, she still hadn't heard from him concerning his visit. Who knows if he'll actually follow through on that.

I had called mama, but BIL and SIL called here to check up on things. Last they knew, WH was having the divorce dismissed and everything was starting to look better.

So, I filled them in on EVERYTHING. History they weren't aware of, all the details of this trip and his seeing her and we all agree he is lying about just about everything at this point.

I let them know that after a lot of thinking, praying and evaluating, I am probably filing for legal separation this Friday.

8 days after thinking we were really going somewhere, I'm putting us back on the track we just got off of.

But, I just don't trust what he's out there doing right now. By filing for the separation, any debts he incures from Friday on are his responsibility. It also puts a final date out six months, rather than three if I just file for divorce. I like this better so I can get myself together emotionally and financially.

As I've said before, who knows what the future will bring. But the present situation requires some sort of protection from his selfish and erratic actions.

I have the full support of his entire family. Basically, his sister and brother echo his mom's feeling that he is outing himself from the family. They are losing a son but keeping a daughter. His brother and I have never seen eye to eye and yet he told me tonight that he fully supports my decision and wants me to remember that I am family. I've kept my vows and tried to save everyone from this whereas WH has seemingly done everything to keep on this course.

I've told them that if by some miracle he doesn't end up in SAT and is home before then, I won't be doing this. But I'm not reminding him that I have told him this in the past. He's in Fort Stockton, TX so the chance of him not getting there tonight is pretty small.

But, I'm doing this for me. And for the kids.

There is actually a peace about this right now. It might not be there tomorrow, but there is today. So, I'm going to call on that peace to get me through the night and the next days.

FIM, I wouldn't worry so much if he were now with her... I know, I know, almost impossible (and wierd 'advise'), but, somehow, I'm sure he has no future with her, it'll fade... and if you can forgive him a few months with her, you can forgive him some additional time... if for better at the end...
(Sometimes they do need some time... not that I ever think they feel sorry for OW while they don't feel sorry for wife and kids, selfish one is selfish with anyone... but are not yet ready to get out of 'fantasy land'...)
I'd be worry about his looking for a job far from his home... (I admit I read this thread very quickly, have no so much time, is this right?)
What I mean - look at the whole picture, not just a piece (OW)... OW is not important, never been, as much as it sounds untrue, but his approach to The Family...
Maybe if you 'neglect' his R with OW for the time being, pretend you believe in his words, and work on him getting a job where your home is?

The thing is, it's not SO much the fact he's with her. I really just try to keep that idea in a small, triple locked box in the back of my brain.

No sense in going there....I've seen the homemade video after all. That was bad enough.

What has me doing this is

1. He's spending money we NEED. I'm keeping money away as best I can, but he's obviously got some tucked away that could help with those pesky bills I am left to pay and to feed those children I'm left to care for.

2. I had NO input in this. In fact, he knew I was totally against this and went anyway.

3. I've told hime over and over that going to San Antonio would probably be my breaking point. I told him that was a mighty damn big chance he was willing take and he seems to think it's worth the risk.

4. I really just want to be treated better. Silly me.

I know he's an addict right now. I see it as clearly as if he were a crack head. He knows he is hurting every single person that has cared about him his entire life. He knows he's hurting his kids and even himself and yet he does it anyway. He sees everything he has worked for being thrown out the window and he can't and won't stop. That is an addict.

His mom said he is a sick person right now and she's right.

I just can't reach him right now. He is with OW or will be shortly. I'm far far away. Out of sight out of mind.

Maybe he is on to something without even knowing it with the longing thing. He can be with her right now and revel in the adoration of a woman who will pat him on the back and praise him for being a liar and a cheat. Hell, she'll encourage him and tell him how wonderful he is for it.

Eventually, those words are going to fester and rot in his heart.

If he really does go to Guatemala, good. Regardless of him coming home to me, he needs to see himself for what he really is right now. For who he is. For who he was and wants to be.

I am not making ANY permanent decisions in the next few weeks or probably even months concerning a divorce. I'm going to get myself right first.

Who am I right now? Who was I? Who do I want to be?

Does who I want to be have room for him? For the man he is? For the man he may or may not be?

I just don't know. I do know that he is not traveling this road with me. That is by his choice. I would have rather been able to do this side by side and grown as individuals as well as partners.

But he is there. I am here. I guess I do hope that somehow things find a way to be right in the end. Of course I do. I just don't see the way there right now.

Like I said before though, there is a peace in this. I'm not especially even hurting right now. At least not like I have been for the past 5 months. Maybe it's that right now, I'm not doing all the work for this relationship. I'm not doing any. This is the first time since the end of April that thoughts of what I am going to do are not centering around how it will affect him or our marriage.

Steve had said I shouldn't say I won't take him back under any circumstances and I'm not going to. However, Steve also suggested working together to come up with THE PLAN. What conditions would need to be met? How will we make sure to support the upkeep of those conditions? What is REALLY going on?

So, once I settle myself into this new direction I think I will meet with Steve again and try to come up with that plan. Who knows if it will even be needed. He may just never come back here.

That would surprise me, but who knows.

I sure don't!!

As for her commanding officer, I spoke with the IG today. WH would likely come out with no clearance. I happen to agree he really doesn't deserve it and he knew the risks on that when he decided to have an affair with her.

But, I'm just not going to shoot myself in the foot on this one. The earning potential is too good. If I have to be a single mom to 3 kids, I'd rather do it with a decent amount of child support and spousal maintenance.

So, I will wait a few weeks. Nov. 17th will be here before we know it and I will use that time to organize the 100+ pages of emails, the letters and the pictures.

The IG told me pretty much what I have heard here. Go to the battalion CO, they HAVE to take action. Keep everything in writing and the more proof the better. The digitally date stamped pictures showing the A was going in March will be a huge help as will the emails where she states she knew he was married when this started. She also talks about them having sex in more than one. Showing they had a relationship isn't enough. You have to establish sexual contact apparently. At least to get the whole book thrown at her. The naked pictures and emails will do that just fine he said.

So, with what I have, she'll go down even though she was the single one. She established a "history of deceit and knowledge of unbecoming conduct". Hehe.

And my WH saying how I can get in so much trouble? The guy laughed. He said that if she tried to get a restraining order on me for attempting to contact the woman who is sleeping with my husband or for calling a number that is unfamiliar to me that is on my husbands cell phone, she deserves to lose her clearance. Something about being too unintelligent to work in intelligence.

I'm a military wife (as I've pointed out before) and I also had to deal with hubby's trysts with an active duty member when he re-enlisted. We are doing very good now and are currently working on having another child. I went back home after a brief geographical seperation, moved to a new duty station with him and our children, and have been in true recovery since January. My Dday was 19 months ago.

Absolutely file for legal seperation- you *must* protect yourself and your children financially. This will also possibly shock the hell out of your husband, but ya know, this is for *you.* His words can no longer be taken seriously, and even though he promised you a substantial child support settlement before, don't count on it. They all seem to be terribly generous when they feel guilty...but do a 180 as soon as they feel their 'new' life is justified.

I could *not* have dealt with what you have so far. I was one of the lucky ones- hubby's affair was completely superficial and had been carried on in emails and a couple of phone calls for a year after their initial PA. On D-day he dropped her so fast I'm surprised she didnt feel it on her side of the world.

The legal seperation would be one way to help hubby hit his rock bottom, that's for sure.

Live your life with integrity and dignity. Stand up for yourself and your children. He isn't doing that for you.

I think of you every day. My husband asks about you every so often. He feels you need to stop waiting for his actions and make moves of your own.

I hope that you will feel stronger with each day that passes.

Faith. Goodmorning, and it is. It is the first day of the rest of your life, so go get a starbucks and put a smile on your face because you have done your best and I want to tell you that you can do no more than you have. I think your plan to file is on target. As I said before, I agree with you not shooting yourself in the foot, you must always think of what is best for the kids.

Oh, he'll be back. She can meet very few of his needs in reality. She is very young and foolish. Don't worry about them, it is time to worry about Faith and the kids. Cut him loose. If you love someone, set them free. He crossed the line.

I just want you to know that I support what you are doing 100%. Hugs-Jersey Girl

I am the mood to just curl up in front of the fire in my jammies, sip some wine and watch movies while listening to the rain hit the windows.

I'd LOVE to do that with a particular guy lying next to me....without the jammies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> though.

It's just not right that after going a year with WH deployed, he comes back for two months, gets me used to having a guy around for fun and leaves. MAN - I'm a 32 year old woman for goodness sake. This is just so wrong on SO many different levels.

Oh, well. That's life. He's got a ticket to go see his family in Guatemala on Sunday. He's planning on staying a week.

His line is still that he loves me, loves our family and our home and our life and wants us to be together.

Which, I'm sure, is exactly why he's in San Antonio right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

His mom is very excited about the fact he is truly following through on SOMETHING he's said and going to see her. She really feels that he will turn around once he's able to be back where his roots are. Who knows though.

I called her today to see if she knew if WH was coming yet. She sounded like she was just waking up...in the middle of the afternoon...so I thought I woke her from a nap. She said, "No. I was just praying. I was asking the Holy Trintiy to give you guidance and strength to make the best decisions for the future of your family."

Yikes. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no, she probably had about 20 minutes before she'd be done but she knows God wouldn't mind waiting for her to talk to me.

She's so darn cute <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, we talked about me filing for separation on Friday and she asked how I was feeling about it today. I told her I was still planning on it, but was honestly having a few little doubts about it, but that was probably just natural.

Well, she ended up asking me to please wait one more week until WH had visited Guatemala. She said she still supports the decision and will stand behind me 100% in it if I do it, no matter when. She again said that she felt she wouldn't have been able to keep up this long. She's willing to pay for the separation to be filed if it's what I truly feel is best.

But she feels that his visit will have a big impact on him. Not because of what she'll say, but because of how he'll feel about who he should be after being in his home, with his family, with the memory of his father and who he was. That's pretty much a direct quote from her.

She asked me, and she rarely asks anything, to hold off one week and see what happens. She asked me to trust her, as a mother. She asked me to trust what God is directing her to. She said that her constant prayer to God is to use her as His instrument in seeing His will done. And she feels that this is His direction.

Catholic mama guilt. Nothing like it in the world.

But, I do trust her and she has stood by me. This one week is something I'm going to give to her....and maybe me. Of course, she brought up the point that as she was praying for guidance for me, I was second guessing myself. I've always believed in signs, maybe this is one.

Maybe I'm hoping it is. But, I know that if this woman wants a week, I can give it to her. She's been a rock for me through the last months. She came here during the summer because she didn't want me to be alone while going through this. She has listened and advised and oddly enough, she sees the good as well as the bad in her son. Not many mothers would stand up for their DIL like she has.

She also asked me to just kind of go along with his babble until he gets there. She encouraged me to emotionally distance myself from him, live as if I was going through with the separation this week, and not expect anything to change. But to wait to actually file the papers until, as she puts it, God has His chance to work with her son.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself for jumping at this. I honestly can say I don't want to file, but I do feel it's for the best considering his present egocentric attitude towards life.

When she brought this up, I was happy to oblige her. I would have done it regardless. But it's not the fact I would have done it, it's that I was glad she asked. I guess I'm holding out hope for that week too.

I've got the papers printed, signed and ready to go. The parenting plan, financial statement, and petition are sitting right here next to me. It wasn't too hard, since it's basically the exact same thing that WH had saved on this laptop from when he filed for divorce! Just had to change to petitioner and respondant names around and change the visitation and child support schedule.

I don't even know what it would take for me to consider a future with him right now. Well, more accurately, to take him back into our lives. I can see a future, just not a path there. It's like seeing the mountain in the distance, but not the road that leads to it. Maybe I'll never make it to the mountain because I can't ever find that road.

I'm going to talk with Steve Harley about that one, IF something changes while he's there. You know, I'll do it before. I'd like to have a plan in place for any outcome before I'm in the middle of a situation.

So, I'm going to go to bed, read the new Nora Roberts book I just purchased and hopefully sleep a decent nights sleep. I'm trying to just stand back and look at this whole thing as if I were an outsider and not the central character. I'm going to try and take her advise and not expect anything to change and plan on still filing for separation. I don't think he can hurt things too much in one week. I've got most of his clothes packed up and in the garage. I need to keep up on the physical act of removing him from the day to day dealings of our family. If I don't have to file, great. But I am going to very conciously and actively work towards that as the final outcome. It's an outcome I need. Barring a miracle, it's the only healthy one for my family.

My MIL, when asking me to wait, said that if I have waited this for this long, wouldn't it be worth it if she's right and her instincts are correct. So, in the whole scheme of things what is one week. I told her it can seem to be a whole lifetime sometimes. But, on the hope she's on to something, I'm willing to do it.

But, I am too leary of sitting back expecting a change in a man who has shown little to no ability or willingness to change. So, while I'm hoping I'm not expecting.

I buy a lotto ticket every week with the hopes of winning, never truly expecting it. I guess my WH is my lotto ticket this week, huh?