RM,

I am going to suggest something that I am sure you will not like. I am suggesting that you contact OM and listen to him. You don't have to believe it, you don't have to accept any apologies, I would recommend that you listen to him. Why? In the future these apologies will make a difference to you in several ways. The first is that it might help settle him down in his marriage and thus keep him out of yours. Second, eventually you will be glad you heard them (if sincere) when you are ready to move on beyond the A.

So see what is up with this and listen. You are clearly the better and bigger man in this situation show him, show his W, and indirectly you will show your W. This act while somewhat loathsome right now will very likely help you as well.

Something for you to consider.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If indeed contact has been severed then a NC letter needs to be written. You can come out of plan B when contact has been severed. Most plan be letters do NOT demand that the WS be willing to work on the marriage but that OP is out of the picture. Most WS's don't really want to address what they have done immediately after an affair.

SS and JL - Thanks again for the encouragement, it means a lot.

I will talk to OM as suggested but am not sure how I will react. I will do my best to remain calm and civil. Maybe this will help / maybe not. As I say, I am not sure how he can justify this most disrespectful of acts to a BS, especially a former friend!!

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

RM,

There is no way on God's Green Earth that he can justify what he did. So don't worry about that. If however he now regrets what he did...hear him out. You don't have to do a darned thing, but hear him out and see what he has to say. It may actually be a real apology or it may be some lame attempt to throw blame elsewhere even on you. It matters not. You will have more information, thus you have a better chance of getting where you want to go.

RM at this juncture information is a good thing so collect it, but don't get emotionally invested in it. This is sort of like looking through a microscope at some insect. Not your choice for a pet, but still of interest as you gather knowledge.

Hang in there.

JL

I think that your WS's being dumped by her OM is poetic justice. I wouldn't look at it as you being her 2nd choice.....it's just that fantasy bubble bursting. The OM obviously never had any intention of leaving his spouse or he wouldn't have ended the A when she found out. He must be a serial cheater.

If it were me, I'd feel victorious that your WS discovered that the grass isn't all that green on the other side, and that you are the better choice. I don't think it much matters how the affair ended....as long as it ended.

I don't know if I'd be able to hold my WS and let him cry about losing his OW....I don't think I could take that....maybe I could, who knows...that seems like a kick in the gut to me, and I honestly don't think my husband would ever cry to me about anything like that (I have no confirmation that there is an OW), he'd suffer in silence.


Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-Caren

Hi Folks, WW got me on the phone today, didn't look at caller ID before answering. DOH!! Spoke to her calmly and didn't LB her as I saw no point once she had got hold of me.

WS Casually asked about many things but eventually asked me about any contact I had with OM or OP. Again politely told her to drop it and ask them herself. Supposedly, she doesn't talk to them so that's why she asked. I didn't lie and told her that OP had called and apologised. She began to obsess about what was said and the fact that OM and BS are blaming her. The "poor me syndrome" again.

Even after being dumped, I think she is still hoping for another chance with OP.

When is this fool going to get it in her head, she has been dumped and OP was using her. At the First sign of trouble OP chose his wife and not her, what part doesn't she get? She appears so foolish that I fear she will take up with him again if he gives her a sniff.

What the F#%!, I can only work on me right. Sounds like she has implemented plan "S" (that's plan stupididty) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RM,

The correct terminology is "Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot" . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't for get that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She is struggling and you are not, so let it lie there. She will have to sort it out, and if OM is really serious about his marriage, she will come out from the "fog". It may take awhile so sit where you are and work on you.

God Bless,

JL

Roger that JL. Pardon the pun...

Roger that JL. Pardon the pun...

Hi Folks - an update and more venting ;-)

Spoke to WW, she continues to call and cry. Wants to talk but it nearly always end's up being about how low she is feeling, nothing about us / me. She says that that she misses me, but I feel that it is me the "friend /protector" that she misses not me her husband. I never respond to her statements about missing me and change the subject, mainly because I don't know if I do miss her.

I am starting to wonder if I really do miss her or simply do not like the idea that some one else / another predator may come along and sweep her off her feet in this vulnerable state of mind? Could I be that shallow that my pride is what's really hurting?

She still refuses to go to counselling but I feel that I am starting getting through on this front. WW does not ever discuss / entertain the idea of going to IMC together so I keep pointing out that it appears to me that there is still no effort being made to address the M or "our" problems.

I don't want to continue to break PLAN B, but as many of you continue to point out, every time she calls me, it is breaking PLAN B (probably to my detriment). I feel for her as she is very isolated, even though it's her own doing.
Q. Am I doing the right thing here or am I just making it easier for WW not do get off the fence?

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

RM,

This is very very normal. She is going through withdrawal, and right now it is all about her and how she misses OM. If you listen to her, you are helping this out. It will NOT be about you or the marriage until withdrawal is over. That takes weeks to months. So if you answer the phone listen, give an uh huh! occasionally and let her talk.

You are doing better than you think. Keep that "taker" on a leash for right now, but do try and balance things out a bit, by doing somethings for yourself.

God Bless,

JL

UPDATE - Well PLAN B seems to be working to some degree. WS has started to fend for herself somewhat and is having to take respomsibility for all the things that old cranky pants (me;-) used to have to do for her. All the things that we have spoken about in the past seem to be coming back to haunt her. If the circumstances were different it would be very difficult for me not to gloat and say "I told you so".

Anyway, she is starting to take stock and realise that life on the other side may not be all it's cracked up to be. WS's family has also put some distance between themselves and WS. Lot's of talk but not much action from them. I feel that this may be to get her to take responsility for her actions / herself, or maybe they are not big on following through.

It's still very hard to see her when she has to pop by and pick something up. (I know, I could arrange for someone else to be there instead of me). WS is still the one that makes my heart flutter but I keep reminding myself that she is the one who betrayed me for so long and has much to learn and heal...

I Have started to make people aware that I am looking to make new friends, but it's a slow process as most people think that means I want a sleeping buddy.

Hi RM,

I am glad to read your posting and it sounds as if you sending messages to others to join in on life. That is a good sign....live your life...become a better person. All good stuff. I bet that WS is going through withdrawal...I hope she will come out of her fog soon.

Unfortunately I reentered Plan B...see my thread..reaching for support after false recovery. I guess that title tells it all. It is good that your heart still tells you that you have love for WS. I can say from experience you will need the reserve for recovery. I left my house today to reenter Plan B...I was crying as I drove away which is a good thing and a bad thing. I didn't want to leave my house, but I was happy to have the release of crying. Haven't been able to do it for months.

Anyway...I am going to watch the world series and hope for a good game to take my mind off things. Stay strong and I am one of your Plan B buddies again.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's still very hard to see her when she has to pop by and pick something up. (I know, I could arrange for someone else to be there instead of me). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you let her hurt you? Plan B is your BS vacation and time for recovery / healing. Tighten up the plan. Close all the windows and seal up cracks. Leave the front door open on YOUR terms. Get someone to do this stuff for you and show her that you mean BUSINESS! JMO and I wish you luck.

BTW the IL's putting distance between themselves and WW sounds like a good deal. I have the same thing getting ready to happen in my court. I'll be watching to see how it turns out for you.

God Bless and take care,

C.

Thanks again for the support.