Oh weaver I wish I could believe you. I feel my capacity to ever love again, other than my kids , has been crushed beyond repair.

My faith in God HAS been restored, Amen, but it is STILL so weak...

I have been humbled, but all I want to do is be loved and appreciated by someone and my FWW seems so far from being able/willing to truly do this for me.

Only now am I beginning to see the true extent of my 'wound'. The A tore our most of me. Everything but my flesh has been destroyed: Trust, love, faith, hope, happiness, future, past, present..everything.

Theres not enough pieces left to bolt together into any meaningfully functioning person.
and my FWW couldn;'t care less, she's just seemingly grateful she undeservedly washed up on a the beach of bounty island after her 'fun' affair.

I'm sure I'll get past this, but right now I am glad plan A gave me some self respect and some tools for life, and that it gave us both the opportunity to make decisions outside the panic of the A but I seriously need more from my FWW. And soon....even if she just chucked out her love letters it would be something...

I have been humbled, but all I want to do is be loved and appreciated by someone and my FWW seems so far from being able/willing to truly do this for me.

And it is out this need that you will expand your horizons. This need will be filled by your inner strength (God), your children, your friends, the people on MB. Your world has become larger because of the void the affair left in your soul. Now you will fill this hole from new sources, and the capacity to give and receive love is huge compared to what it was before.

You are being forced to reach, and this is where growth stems from.

You'll see in time.

And I hope your WW provides some of this fulfillment for you soon, or she will in all probability be left behind.

Bob -

As much as I hate that my parents were alcoholic and gambling addicts...as much as I hate that my daughters dad shattered my heart. I still was left horribly completely alone when my parents died, and he took off with another woman...and I know how lonely life can be.

But if I hadn't suffered the losses I did, all in the same year I would not have the capacity to love that I do now.

I am no longer capable of judging others, I am no longer capable of closing my eyes to injustice and I am no longer capable of seeing the world through what my personal sitch is at the moment. Now I see the world closer to what I think God intended, through love for all and my heart fills from this, as well as the intimate moments with my boyfriend.

Bob...

While you are correct that we are essentially alone..inherently separated from each other..we do let people in. Some we let in so deeply that we feel we are connected with them even if we are not. So when you are wounded by someone who was so deeply embedded in you that you felt one with them..the devastation is total. If you were a car they'd toss you in the crapper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

For me..it changed everything. The ache I feel is space that my H used to occupy..used to have access to..that now sits void and barren. He can not get in so deep and neither can anyone else . For me..that door has slammed shut..and I do not have the key. No one will have the chance to so damage me ever again..and yes I am fully aware of the price I will pay for that self protective measure. A life half lived..whether with him or any other. I will look over my shoulder my whole life. I do not trust people as I once did..even those worthy of it. He may be a changed person but I am with certainty.

That dead space wants to rot. It takes much effort to keep consumate bitterness at bay. I have loved well if not wisely, the grief is marrow deep. The diagnosis would be terminal if it could be, yet I live. He lives..we live together but not as one. Side by side by side. Full of angles and edges and parts that don't fit.

They did once though..and for the memory of parts lost my heart beats..

hopefull..

someday I will be whole again.

--Noodle

BP,

Don't you find it odd, that in your moment of realization (you are indeed alone with only God), that you reach out here and what happens? You are NOT alone.

It is the dichotomy (sp) of life that while we are indeed ALWAYS alone, we are not. If you have learned anything you should learn that people ENJOY and derive great PLEASURE from helping other people when they are down. Thus you are in fact not alone.

I believe if you finally realize all of this, then you will know the place your W should be in your life. Someone to share the loneliness of life with. Someone to listen to you and talk to you about their loneliness.

Further, now that you truely do understand things in a fuller sense you can understand why your W did what she did. She was seeking to fill the bottomless ache of loneliness, while not knowing that another person cannot do it. In the process she did hurt other people, but it is my hope that you can see that the same thing you realized is precisely what drove her in her futile quest.

Knowing all of this, do you now see marriage in a different light? I think you do. Would you like to express what you see NOW? It may well help you more than you realize to do so.

BP, what you are seeing is the duality of life and this duality is seen in all aspects of nature. You are alone and you are not alone.

God Bless,

JL

Bob,
Despite the sadness of your post, it is needed.

Those moments of despair are indeed overwhelming and you seem certain it will go on forever, and the temptation to give up is so strong, the acceptance of the aloneness is so complete, the uselessness of all your efforts so plain....

Then you find the light of God hiding in all that darkness and know that - no matter what - you'll be a better person for it, and you rekindle the hope that perhaps, at best, it is with your spouse, and at worst, with yourself. But it will be better, and you KNOW it and you hang on to that thought, that vision.

At least, that's the way it is for me.

RG, loved and will save your response. You definitely inspire hope.

Marsha, you identified the very things that sink me lowest- but remember that those things are grief over what you've lost - you still have a lot to gain! Your H is committed to your M and taking the actions to rebuild and that is more than so many others here have! I keep looking for and saving the posts from the one's that not only survived, but are better and stronger...

frank, "nothing beats a try but a failure" - Boy, I really like that!

Bob53, "It was as if God himself had spoken those words to me.

THAT'S what keeps me going..." <<<That's how I feel about this site. I always find someone's thughts that get me through....

You are all such wonderful people. I am forever grateful,

restarting

weaver and JL: your insights are invaluable. You are indeed part of God's light shining here!

BP: thanks again for so eloquently posting your own anguish. It's odd that it actually helps some of us (me) know that I'm not alone in my doubts and despair, but what helps most are these kind words in reply to your post that give me the hope that that I've made the right choice.

Isn't it true anyway that the M will not be the same? Being the same is what got us here! Isn't that really, at the heart of it all, the reason (in the grand scheme) these things happen? Won't it be better? Can't it be better? Shouldn't it be better?

Like you, I am tired. I want it all fixed and in the past. It will be. I just know it.

Focus on the better times, focus on your vision of the future.

There have been many insightful replies made her, Bob this thread is actually very motivating. It reminds us all that what we feel during our misery isn't unique, we as BS's are all privy to the same insecurities, fears, pains and bouts of drained feelings of loss. I tend to agree with Weaver,. My personal sitch may shift abruptly back to something demotivating, maybe tomorrow or later today for that matter. I believe that without adversity there is no growth,and I can't help but identify the huge steps towards being a better MAN that I've taken as a result of this very trying time. I wish I could have identified so many ways to better myself and acted upon them without this upheveal, but I DOUBT IT. Why does it take catastrophe to rebuild? Why couldn't I have turned to the scriptures, started an earnest project of bettering myself without such a devestating blow?

Bob we were decent men before all of this crap, but by the time we come out the other side of this tunnel we will be REMARKABLE men, ADMIRABLE men and HEROIC. There are days I wish to return to less dramatic times where the old Family Matters was just fine, but I cannot and I don't think the Genesis of a New Family Matters is a mistake,more like a blessings and perhaps something remarkable may come out of such a trajedy after all huh?

Hang Tough BP!!!!!!

{{{{{BOB}}}}} </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> Bob -

It is because of this affair that you have and will continue to grow, as a person in the most spiritual of senses. And also in the most human of senses.

Your capacity to love has just been increased 10 fold. Through your pain, your eyes have been opened, your relationship with our God has been strengthened, the ability to "truly" love another has been given to you.

When you get past all the muck, you will be thankful for the affair that brought you to your knees, because now you have it in you to be great.

Before, you were merely going through the motions. Now you are humbled and through your humility and pain you have a great deal to offer others.

So give thanks, because you were chosen to be weakened and from that you can become truly strong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

DbleTrble..

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

FM and others, I grasped the nettle today and persisted until I had a discussion about my big issues with FWW.details in thread named
Bob...take a peak in here!! .

FWW is hurting and now knows my position.

Hard though..

Bob,

Just got back from LA with the mom-in-law and read your heart wrenching post.

There was (is) this Star Trek episode where an alien being enters a human body. The Alien could communicate, feel, and interact with all the other aliens as cells in a body or bees in a hive do. When the alien entered the body of the human it wailed "I am so alone!!! I am so isolated and alone!! How can you humans bear the lonelyness?"

It really struck me then and now, as your post did.

Noodle, as she does so eloquently, described why.. if we let someone in or interlock with us, how they can tear our heart and soul out with their betrayal and selfishness.

I, too, am groping with the "how can this ever be healed" questions right now.
k

Bob:

You need 2 learn the difference be2ween "lonliness" and "soli2de".

Get yourself a copy of "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. The first chapter is about "differentiation", and he talks uses terms like "borrowed functioning" and "mirrored identity" when referring 2 people who say things like "we bring out the best in each other." No, we don't. We bring out the best in ourselves. For your religious people, we express, as individuals, the beauty that God gives 2 each of us.

Schnarch can help you learn how 2 be an emotionally healthy individual able 2 be in a committed relationship.

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2l, I'll check that title out.

Its not a bad thing to be alone if you like your own company.

I'll need to get used to mine again.