You two gals have to be the most awesome people I have the pleasure of meeting. You made me realize that when I was in your same position 15 years ago (which I had forgotten) I stayed married. Now, I have the same dork husband doing the same dork things BUT I have two terrific kids that make everything worthwhile. Whatever happens, the kids are still the greatest gift from above.

Hope you get and stay well this cold season <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SML - How's your weekend going so far? I'm so happy your SIL is throwing you a shower tomorrow. Focusing on the baby will be good for you this weekend. My Aunt's are throwing me one today. It's so good to be around family right now.

Take care and keep up with the suggestions Spider Slayer made. I really think they work. I have been doing a lot of what she has suggested for you and I see positive results. And the results are just in the R, they are within me. So no matter what happens I will be a better stronger person.

I went to my SIL dinner party last night. Of course around family my husband acts like nothing has changed. Towards the end of the evening the OW kept calling my husband about 5 times. I just lost it. I said Lord answer that phone she may be dying or something. Just shows she has no respect at all because she already knew we would be there with him.

My husband then got all defensive. Taking up for her. I told him she must have no selfworth or something is wrong with her to involve herself with a married man that lives so far away. He told me we can't do this anymore we have to work together towards a divorce. I said if you want a divorce so much go file for it. He keeps telling me to. He said fine I will. Then he made some sarcastic remarks about what kind of person wants to be with someone who doesn't want them and keeps pushing for a marriage. I said a person that loves her children and believes in her vows. He laughed at me and said can't you get it through your head I don't want to be with you.

That pretty much ticked me off. I got the kids ready. He was suppose to come with me but he said he didn't want to. Of course if he came with me he wouldn't be able to call his little homewrecker up. The kids really wanted there dad to come and he disappointed them again. That makes me so angry. He called back later and said he was going to drive his own car up then called back 20 minutes later and said he was to tired to drive. That he would be at our house at 8 in the morning. Well it's now almost 11 and he is not here. His words are crap.

I think he truly believes a relationship with this girl will work. I can see it crumbling fast. His family is very firm about not wanting her around because she is part of the reason their grandchildren/nephews are hurting, she lives 10 hours away, she is 21 he is almost 30, she has no kids, he will be visiting his kids most weekends so no time to travel to see her, he will be divorced twice and so much more. But whatever if he wants her then go for it. I am tired of fighting for someone that shows no respect for me at all.

I am so angry inside. Not sad... Angry. I can see why he wants a 21 year old because he has not grown up yet himself. He says he loves his kids and they are most important but does his actions show this?

Sorry I just needed to get all that out.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Kloe,
I think the baby shower will be fun. I think most people are planning on giving me money since I have most everything. They are afraid to buy clothes just incase it's a boy. Today I think I may take the boys to pick a pumpkin. My three year old has been begging to get one. I Spent the morning with my stepson cleaning out his whole room. I have been in the cleaning mood lately. I read that some mothers do that when it's close to their due date. I have been trashing things I have been holding on to for years.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What have you been doing differently? You said you were following SS advice... Do you have someone that is going to stay with you closer to your due date? I think my mom is planning on coming down with me about 2 weeks before.

I am angry, frustrated and working towards plan B.

I think by following the Plan A and 180 it has enabled me to be where I am. I am a very prideful person (for better or worse) and because of that I was able to detach from WH early in the process. I rarely called him or e-mailed him unless it was a response to one he sent me. And he did contact me, usually at least every other day. When we did have contact, I was pleasant and friendly. I think I scored major points on fathers day when I gave him a simple card and a framed sonogram picture. After I got past the raw hurt and emotion, I never brought up R or OW talk. I have used to this to work on becoming a better person, not just for the M but for myself and my baby. I believe WH has noticed. I don't think he is seeing OW any more. He is going to Lamaze classes (he brought up the idea)with me and will be there for the birth. I actually think we are at a point where I need to bring up R talk with him. If for nothing else so I can plan the future for me and the baby.

I really think you have to go to Plan B at this point to preserve the little love that you do have. Unless you do something different I don't see your situation changing. Your WH is so obviously in the fog and very deep, he needs something to shake him out of it. I know it's rotten timing with the baby due in one month, but your R with your WH is deterioriating quickly.

What do you think?

What's going on, SML? You left Kloe hangin'!

Hope all is well with you and baby. Post when you can.

Spidey

I also feel it's time for plan B. Just can't seem to find it in me to do it yet. I feel so stressed and drained right now. Not sure what to do anymore. Sometimes I want him there in the delivery room. Other times I feel like I don't.

Today I don't feel so well. Very crampy. I am hoping to go early with this baby. Not sure if I can make it till Nov 25th. I am very uncomfortable. I went out earlier and bought a bunch of baby stuff with some of the money I got from the shower. My three year old was so excited. He cannot wait till the baby comes.

I haven't spoke to my husband today. Just don't really want in that chaos anymore. All we do is argue about the situation. I guess for me just distancing myself right now will be a good step. Just tired of him and the OW thing. To my family, his family and me we just feel she is a desperate college student who could care less about his kids or him. Just out for what she wants. He will wakeup on day but by then it may be to late. Yes I love him but not like I once did. There is a lot of resentment inside me right now.

Kloe,
How are you feeling???

Tina

I'm still sick and that is getting me down, but everything is going well with the pregnancy. I have been having a very easy pregnancy, absolutely no problems to date (knock on wood).

Did you have fun at your shower? Mine was so nice, my Aunt's were so generous and it was great to be around all my family and friends. Of course by Sunday evening I had to go home to my empty house, I was exhausted and sick, the depression started to creep back in. A two hour nap this afternoon (office building was closed due to emergency repair) helped me to feel better. WH came over to see the stuff we got at the shower. He took our dogs to go see a friend of his so he has to come back later tonight. If I haven't heard from him soon, I'm going to give him a call to see if he will pick up something for dinner.

I'm so proud you haven't called your WH today! Keep it up!

Kloe sorry to hear that your still sick... Glad your shower went well. I had a good time at mine also. Most of the people there really didn't know me that much but they were so kind. My SIL loves her parties.

I haven't been sick. Just crampy and the baby is constantly under my ribs. They ache so bad. Actually my husband use to be able to get her to move when he was here. He would put his hand on my stomach and massage. But don't have that benefit now. We took the kids to the pumpkin patch this weekend. They really enjoyed that. I think I will have them decorate them tomorrow.

My husband says he is going to North Carolina this weekend.. That makes me so sad. He says he is hanging out with his guy friend. His usual excuse. He must think I am stupid or something. I just think that is pretty low. She also knows that the weekends are the only time he gets to see the boys and that just shows they both only care about themselves right now. Plus he doesn't care that I possibly go into labor. I am praying hard that something comes up and he does not go.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. You all really mean a lot to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've heard the baby can hurt when she hangs out under your ribs. Mine hasn't done that to me, yet!

Don't waste your energy thinking about what your WH is or isn't doing this weekend. You can't control him so don't spend your precious energy worrying about him. He'll regret his actions someday, guaranteed. Just sit back and wait and don't play into his drama.

Hi Ladies, I have not posted to you before, but I wanted to share a story about a co-worker who was in similar situation as you both. This lady was married to her husband and she was pregnant with their third child. He became a WH and left his family and moved in with his OW. The pregnant BS took care of herself as best she could and relied on family and friends. She eventually gave birth to a son.

That was about three years ago and this story has a happy ending. WH returned to the family and became FWH. The realy happy ending is how utterly devoted this son is to his mom. She tells me that her other kids are more reserved, but when she walks thru the door, he runs to give her a giant hug. He always calls his mom, "his girl" even to his Dad. Once his brother was showing him a picture of some singer and he asked his three year old brother if he thought she was pretty. He answered, "oh no, Mommy is my girl."

I am enchanted and encouraged by how things turned out. I am very glad the family got back together, but I am amazed by how the son is so devoted to his Mom unlike her other kids. God and fate work in wonderful ways. I hope this story gives a little hope today at least was entertaining.

May God watch over you as we all continue on this journey. Take care of yourself.

SS

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

Thank you for that post. God sure does use children in wondeful ways. Your post reminds me of my son. He is three and lately if he sees me down or sad. He comes up to me and said don't worry the little daddy is here. Kisses and hugs me constantly. He brightens my day. When my husband first left I was crying and he said don't cry mommy, you still have little daddy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am holding on and praying for guidance for my husband and me.

Also I have not talked to my husband since he left for his sisters house again Sunday night. I miss him a lot. I am not calling him because I want him to want to call me maybe even miss me a little. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have been busy shopping, working, cleaning and playing with the kids. Getting some of the last little things done before the baby comes. I have so many things to do. I really need to start some Christmas shopping now.

Good job, SML! I know it is hard. I did it myself, if that makes you feel any better. And while I was doing it, at first (I mean the No Contact the WH thing), I was miserable and lonely, like you. I hated it. But everyone here told me it was best, and that I needed to do it for ME.

AND, after I got over the "withdrawls," I was soooo grateful, and PROUD of myself, for doing such a hard thing for ME and my kids. And even my H, because MY actions DID affect him. Not right away, but after a while me moving forward without him really grabbed his attention.

You have stated all the obvious in the past - Why would a young college girl want a guy with 3 kids and 2 divorces and infidelity issues? How could your WH stay satisfied with someone so young, that has no involvement in his REAL life (kids, finances, morning breath, bed head!). It is only HIM who cannot see where his path is taking him. Let him go down it. The sooner the possibility that he will come home.

You cannot control him, you don't WANT to control him! That is a mother-son relationship, not Man and Wife. That ancient saying DOES, I have learned the hard way, have much basis in real life - "If you love something, set it free - if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

You CAN control you. You have reached out for assistance, and you have gotten quality advice. We have all done this same thing. You can too. God gives you NOTHING you cannot handle. He gives us these things to grow from, not to break us. You will not break.

Spidey

I realized on Sunday night. All the things that was happening was driving him further away. Yes it is wrong what he is doing, but me saying it does not help him right now. He does the opposite of everything anyone says. I figured the best thing I can do is just let him call me. Keep the conversations short and just let him see I am moving on.

Yes it's hard. But if I want to get away from some of this stress it's what I have to do. I appreciate all your advice and support. You guys have been wonderful. Like I said before I do believe he will be home. I just have to be patient. If he doesn't maybe God has another plan for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

YEAH! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say all this. We have all been hoping and praying that you would be able to get to this point. It's not easy, but it will be worth it. Keep it up and come here for support whenever you need it.

I guess it took him really hurting me this weekend to make me realize some things. All weekend he was very short with me, cruel and uncaring. When he left we talked on his cell and I was telling him how I feel. He got very upset with me and said when your done feeling sorry for yourself I hope you get stronger. He is the one causing my pain and he has the nerve to say stop feeling sorry for myself. Also he told me don't you get it I don't care what you say. I said well what I say is how I am feeling so you don't care... He said well look at my actions and that might tell you something.

There were many more things he said that really hurt me. I knew he wasn't changing anytime soon so I realized it's up to me to change. I have to be strong. I don't miss the guy I saw and spoke to this weekend. I miss the man I dated for four years and was married to for three. I miss the man that use to cherish and love me. I pray that he will realize things and make some changes in his life.

SML, when I missed my REAL H, I would right him a letter. A letter I never gave to him. I almost wrote to him as if he had died unexpectedly. I shared with him things we used to share and enjoy together - funny things the boys said or did, things that happened in my day. And I even wrote as if he reacted the way I thought he would. It made me feel like I wasn't crazy for remembering stuff so different than he did.

This is hard. It is not fair. It sucks. BUT, you have found a great support network, and we will all help you get through this. You are not alone. You are going to make it, and you are going to leave him in the dust! HE will be the one feelng sorry for himself as soon as he realizes you are moving along just fine. Which you will. It takes practice, and guts, but I sense you've got the smarts and the guts to figure this all out.

Another reason to stop communicating when they get to the stage of meanness is because if you two do get back together, those words will stay with you for a long time. When foggy, my H told me he had wished I would die when he began "falling in love" with my good friend, so that he didn't feel guilty, and nothing would be in the way (like ME) of him loving her and being with her. Told me he had no feelings whatsoever for me, and that the thought of being with me was repulsive to him. I still remember every word, unfortunately.

Now, he doesn't remember hardly any of it. He cannot even imagine saying those things to me, feeling those things. And he knows he was pushing me away on purpose, because he was having very strong feelings for another woman. And he pushed me away HARD. Took me a long time, like you, to get it through my head that he was REALLY messed up, and that I couldn't help him at ALL. I couldn't convince him, threaten him, make him feel bad, nothing. I had to cut him loose so he didn't take me and the boys down with him - literally.

And, I knew if the positions were switched, he would do what he had to do to protect our boys from MY actions. I put my focus on me and my boys, and moved on. I was all business - dinner, school, homework, keeping up the house, grocery shopping, playing games, etc. I gave myself and him the 6 months Dr. Harley says it takes for the A to die the natural death, and tried not to think about it all day long.

That is my advice to you. He is classic WS right now, no more, no less. He has been abducted by aliens, and you must wait for him to be released from the mother ship.

Spidey

I almost forgot about my journal. When WH first moved out I started keeping a journal where I would write down all my thoughts, frustrations, hurts and betrayals. Tears would be streaming down my face while I wrote in it, but afterwards I usually felt so much better. You do need to get your feelings out and this is a great way to do it.

Thanks SS and Kloe I will try the journal. I bought that book Torn Asunder today so maybe that will keep me busy for a few days. Last night he never called the boys again. So at 8pm before they went to bed I dailed his cell number and let them talk. He was on the phone with them 5 minutes max. Then after my stepson got done saying goodbye I just hung up the phone. I wanted to talk to him so bad but I knew I would be mad at myself later. My youngest son went to bed crying for his daddy. I let him call and leave a voice mail. He said daddy please come home I miss you.

I called his cell this morning for my son again and he didn't pick up. So he left another message for his dad and he called back a few hours later. He talked to our son then talked to me about 3 minutes then said he had to go. He just wanted to see if something came up. I said no that his son wanted to call him. He said he has been really busy with writing his book and drawing the pictures. Said he is almost done. That is why he hasn't called them or me since Sunday night. Awful funny how he can find time to call the OW for 2-4 hours per night.

I hate the fact that my kids are the ones hurting most. And if he goes to North Carolina this weekend he is going to let them down again.

I am finding myself getting stronger each day but I do still have my moments. You guys have been helping me so much. Thank You...

As the saying goes, one day at a time. And you are doing it. It's sad that your WH is hurting the children, but you can't control him. Just keep being the wonderful mother that you are and show them that they are loved.