I guess I need to vent. I was doing so good until just a bit ago. He called to talk to the kids for his usual 5 minutes. Then he asked to talk to me. Asked how I was doing. I told him ok just a little stressed.

Earlier today he emailed and said he was sorry for not calling that he was working on his book and didn't have time. Although he can call the homewrecker for hours at a time. He acts like it's no big deal. I kindly said you know you didn't have time to call us but you made time to call her... How is that? He said it was very hard. My response was that you still found the time to do that but couldn't find the time to call us.

I asked him if he was still going away this weekend. He says yes. That just made me so sad. How can he be away from his kids all week and hear them begging him to come home and not even care enough to come see them on the weekend. Why is this OW so important overtop of his kids? That just ticks me off so bad. He said I'll be there to take them trick or treating. I asked him is 2 hours being with them enough time to makeup for all week. He said yes. Then proceeded to tell me that he will leave his cellphone on this time that he goes.. I guess I should feel lucky. He said who says I am going to see her. I said I am not stupid. I asked him why he was doing this to the kids and me. He said you already said why. I am selfish.

I guess I was hoping after not talking to me for a few days that his attitude would be a little different. But I guess I was expecting to much. I have another doc appointment tomorrow. Other than my mom and you guys I feel like I have nobody that cares. How I would love to feel pampered right now. But I am left to do it all. Even on the weekends. I guess the only thing I can do is sit back while he goes. I know it will kill me inside knowing he is with her again. What hurts the most is he is not just hurting me he is also hurting our children.

Honey, it takes more than a few days. AND, what is more, each time you have this dialogue with him, you start back at zero. At Go, do not collect $200. Nill, zilch, nadda.

DON'T tell him you are stressed, DO NOT argue with him his lame-O reasons for not calling you. You and I and HE himself knows EXACTLY why he is not calling you. Arguing his reasons, finding holes in his story, asking or presenting evidence is a WASTE OF YOUR TIME - and, MORE importantly, your ENERGY.

YOU need to get your head out of that energy SUCK that is your WH, and focus on you and your boys and your baby. We can only support. YOU must do the hard work. What you are doing is NOT working, and it WILL NOT WORK! Obviously, you haven't figured that out yet, as you keep doing it.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY do you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results??? That is the definition of insanity, BTW.

Spidey

Yes I sat there afterwards and realized that I just took myself back to start. I know this is not working. Why do I fall into his trap everytime? I don't really know. It is very hard to just stop thinking about him and wanting him to come home.

You all have been wonderful. You have such good advice. I know what I need to do. I just have to find a way to do it. I do so good then I mess up.

Sometimes I wonder why I want him back home. He has hurt me so much with his words and actions and just doesn't care at all right now. But I do. I am reading my book tonight and trying to find other things to get my mind off him.

Thanks ss for the 2x4's.. I need them right now. I have a hardhead sometimes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why do I fall into his trap everytime? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another perspective . . . it is YOUR trap.

YOU control YOU. YOU choose into this behavior time and time again. Do you want to know why I think you do it? I think you want to portray yourself as needing rescuing, so he will be your Knight in Shining Armor, and rescue you.

How romantic. And unrealistic. He might have been that for you in the past, but he is not that for you right now. He will NOT play that role. He will resist you and resist you, and push you away. That is the meaness. You will not get any satisfaction from him. PERIOD.

Spidey

Yes your post was right. Even though it's hard to hear sometimes I need it to keep me moving in the right direction. Because I don't want to keep pushing him away and making things worse. Yes he has always been there for me in the past but right now he can't. As he puts it all the time it's about him and his happiness.

I am doing so much better than before. Even though I have my moments it's getting easier each day. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and take one day at a time. Next time I will do much better.

SML,

I have never posted to you before, but I was in a similar sitch with my FWH except I wasn't preg. I know Plan b sounds so harsh and out of reach for you, but honestly it is how I grew to be a better and stronger me. I took care of the house, and two kids all alone through the winter. I plowed the driveway with a fourwheeler, I mowed the lawn, I got groceries, I did everything by myself after having two back surgeries. It is possible if you put your mind to it. I am not saying it wasn't hard. It was the hardest thing ever. But most important thing is to keep busy and take care of yourself. The more time you spend alone without him, the stronger you will become and the more you will realize that you will be okay with or without him. And you will also learn to really love yourself. I know it is hard to see this right now. But I have been where you are, and it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

There will be light again one way or the other. Hugs and prayers. Hang in there.

HINY

I'm sorry, SML. I know you are doing your very best. It just p!$$es me off that you are giving him so much of your power and energy - and he does not have your best interests at heart!

I know it feels constricting to do this, but it is not for forever. It is for the short-term. Just set a goal, a small goal, of one week. 7 full days. IF he insists on talking to you, and he asks you how you are doing, say, "GREAT! I'm getting ready to have a beautiful baby, I get to be around our awesome sons each day and laugh with them, I enjoy my job, I have met some really GREAT friends that love and support me."

How 'bout them apples????? Am I saying that the first time, after the first week, he will "see the light, come out of the fog?" NOPE! But he will notice. And he will underestimate you. He will think you are faking (which you will be at first), and that you will regress and admit next time that you are "stressed (which you ARE, but FAKE IT!) and sad."

Then next time he talks to you, only after he INSISTS on talking to you, you say the same stuff. This week, you will partially mean what you are saying, though.

Then next time he INSISTS on speaking to you, you will GRUDGINGLY take the call, because your new life is really full, and you cannot possibly cram in a moment of time for HIM, you will repeat even more of the same, and you will REALLY mean it.

And the bells and whistles will begin going off in his head. His brain will say, "Hey, this girl is serious. She's not waiting for me with baited breath to come home. Even more, she sounds as if she really is JUST FINE. Hm, is the SML Train pulling out of the station without me? Do I want to be left behind?"

And then the balance of power has been shifted. And you have CONTROL over that. YOU can take YOUR power back. You are giving it to him. He is not TAKING it. You are giving it to him.

Yes, he betrayed you. He hurt you while you were not looking and cheated. BUT, the hurt he is doing now is partially your responsibility. You are allowing it. Even setting yourself up for it. This is what I can hardly stand to read that you keep doing. I wish I could transport you into the future, how you would feel and see things if you did this hard work as others here have, and have told you about.

The space you could be in right now is SOOOOOOO WAAAAAAY better than the space you are in now. I promise you, no matter how the whole thing turns out, by doing what me and Kloe and others (who have all been there, done that) are telling you, YOU will be OK. No matter what.

To be honest, I don't give a hoot about your WH right now. I care about YOU. I want to ensure that YOU will be OK. I want your M to survive. But it can ONLY do that if you are strong enough to be the ONLY adult in the M right now, and lead the way. If not, this whole thing will drag on and on, get uglier and uglier.

Did you ever read any posts from LordsLady? She is on the Divorce boards right now. She stubbornly refused to follow sound advice, and her sitch just got worse and worse. Hers was a bit different, in that her H is an Alcoholic, but . . . it can get worse. I don't like talking about members who aren't here to chime in, but I don't think I told you anything she would be upset about. She just kept doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.

We all can only do what we can do. I sense that you can do this. I truly do. I want you to be OK.

Spidey

O-k so you had a set back today. Tomorrow is another day, wake up and start over. You know what you need to do, just stay focused on that. I like SS's idea of setting a goal. It's kind of like when you are on a diet, it you can just get through the week then you can treat yourself. But by the time you get through the week you feel so great about that, that you don't want to stop and go for another week.

Sunday night when he comes over to take the kids trick-or-treating, make sure you are real busy with something, like working on the scrapbooking. Hand off the kids and go right back to what you were doing. If he tries to talk to you, concentrate on what you are doing and act very distracted like you don't really have time to talk to him right now. Then reward yourself with some Halloween Candy!

*bump*

Tina, I'm sorry if my posts upset you. I am very passionate person, and sometimes that is to my disadvantage.

As Kloe said, let's get back up on that horse and try it again. It is all you can do. You will persevere.

SS

SS your posts did not upset. I needed that. I always look for your posts to me because I feel you do give good advice. If I would just learn to follow it more.

My husband has been acting different towards me. I think it has to do with him going to North Carolina. I guess he knows he is going to see her so he is on cloud nine. He says he is not but how many times has he told me that before? He even called at 6:20am this morning to say Good Morning. I thought that was kinda strange. I was still asleep. I actually asked him if he called the wrong person... Guess that was a LB. Oh well. He has been nice to me and making comments that could be taken as if he was going to be coming home and ending things with her.

I know not to get my hopes up because like I said I have heard it all before. I just found out he took the day off tomorrow and is driving down right now to NC. I am sad but there is nothing I can do. He says his guy friend that he hasn't talked to in months just called him depressed about his divorce said he wants to commit suicide and he lives in North Carolina so he wants to go spend some time with him. I just said please don't lie to me anymore. He said please don't be sad.. Spend some time with your mom and don't worry about me. I will be home in time to take the boys out Sunday. I know in my heart though he will let them down also.

He keeps telling me that he has his reasons for going and that he has something he must do. I told him if your trying to say your ending it with her you don't go meet the girl and spend the weekend with her. I am not upset or angry. I am to the point where I don't care anymore.

I had my doc appointment today. He checked me this time and said I am 50% and one fingertip dilated. I don't know if that is good or not. Guess I should have asked. I am scared of the labor but excited about meeting our new baby. He said everythings seems great and I have only gained 8 pounds altogether which is really good also.

I did get some very bad news today. My mom called early in the morning and said my friend from church who is about 5 years older than me died. At age 20 he was in a motorcyle accident and could not walk since then. He got sick last night and died all of a sudden. I haven't seen him in about 6 months. I can't believe he is gone. It just shows me how you never know from day to day what will happen. I just know that I cannot live my life like this anymore. I want to live my life and be happy not stressed and sad. I will miss my friend so much. Please say a prayer for his family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has been nice to me and making comments that could be taken as if he was going to be coming home and ending things with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job. Just smile and nod when he starts babbling such things, because we aren't interested in his WORDS. We are interested in his ACTIONS.

Great job sticking to your guns, especially with the early-morning unexpected phone call. He wants you to play into his drama. Perhaps he really thinks in his head he is going down there for the "last time," to "end it." BUT, when he does go there and sees her, he feels those good feelings, and he will justify all over again why he thinks he can do all that he is doing. Ugh. So sad.

Keep on keeping on, girl. YOU ROCK! Glad all is well with baby, and I will say a prayer for you and your friend. We all should live each day as if it is our last. Like Christopher Reeve, when he died. I had JUST read his latest update story in Reader's Digest a couple days before he passed. So strange. But at least they are free to live in heaven, with no more physical pain, no more being confined in a body that doesn't work well anymore.

Peace.

Spidey

Even though he will be missed here. I am happy because I know that he is now walking in heaven and in no more pain. He wouldn't want to come back even if he was given a chance.

My husband just called again. I didn't hear him 2 other times. He wanted to know why I didn't pick up. Told him I was busy. Was talking all nice again. Now he tells me that he invited his friend to come live with us. I said why did you do that you don't even live with us plus his friend cannot hold a job. He said well he can help you. I told him I don't need his help and I don't think it's a good idea.

I told him that I got his cell bill and it's over 300 dollars. He said well there won't be anymore like that next month. I didn't say anything then he said you want to bet. He keeps making all these comments finally I said. You know if you go down there thinking you have good intentions of ending things you know it's not going to happen because it's going to feel good and your not going to end it again like so many other times. He just said his usual yeah yeah yeah.

He said I cannot help how you feel. I told you I wansn't going to see her. I didn't say to much more. Then he said goodnight. I am sure I didn't handle it like I should have. I think the best thing I can do this weekend is not even pick up at all. And I won't be calling him.

Tina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Told him I was busy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfect. And you are right . . . words, words, words. And absolutely NOOOO that some strange man comes and stays with you. Good grief. These WS are SOOOO bizaar!

You did awesome. He is throwing some strange stuff at you, and you are handling it wonderfully. And I think you have a great plan for the weekend. Be unreachable. Especially in his heightened state of . . . whatever he is in, he might figure a TINY thing out this weekend.

I know how difficult this is, and I admire and respect your strength and determination SOOO much. Keep on keeping on, girl!!!!

Spidey

Thanks for your encouragement SS. This is hard but I know I will make it through it just like all the other times the last few months. I don't even care about myself right now. I am mainly upset with him for hurting the boys. It is so sad when they beg him to come home and it doesn't even seem to phase him.

And about the guy staying here. I told him I did not want him here. Now it's his home also and he can have someone over. Even though he moved out and didn't want to be here. I said and you trust someone with your wife. He said yeah. I said joking maybe you want me to be with him to get me out of your hair. He said no he has to many sexual diseases.. Why would he want someone like that in our home? With our kids and a newborn... He is crazy.

I have plans this weekend. I am going to the outlets for some shopping with the boys. Also they want to carve pumpkins and do the trick or treat thing. Plus I think I will spend some time with my mom and go to church on Sunday. Just going to do the best I can to keep my mind busy.

I am too free today so i will reply to your posting.

I agree with SS...you need to be the adult here.

You can tell him that his spending time with OW is WRONG etc etc...you can do all that. You can remind him that HIS ACTION HURTS. I think you should not hid that from WS. You need to tell him that his actions is wrong but tell him that KINDLY...

You can also remind WH that you are still his wife and he has obligations. Tell him kindly again.

You need to be the adult.

Do not get angry. Be calm when you talk to him.

Even if this talk do not get through the fog...you can have fun with yourself and your kids.

Its hard to explain what you need to do in black and white. It took me one whole year to realise what i really needed to do. Even though i have been reading and spending a lot of time on MB...still i do not get the idea of being an "adult"...until now...

Take your time and dont worry too much...it will take time to see and heal.

You need to put your foot down on this person moving into your house. No way do you need this right now. Tell your WH this isn't even up for discussion, the answer is NO. Be calm and polite but VERY firm about this. The last thing you need is another person living in your home while you are trying to care for 3 children.

zizzy said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can also remind WH that you are still his wife and he has obligations. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree. He knows all of this. Telling him over and over accomplishes nothing. Besides pulling you into a draining conversation with him.

I think this weekend you need to begin drafting your Plan B letter. The last one you did, I honestly didn't even read. It was TOOOOO long. Tell him you love him, he is your H, and that if he wants to come back to the M he must commit to NC with OW, and MC (if that is your requirement). Until that point, you will communicate to him through email regarding kids and finances ONLY. You also need to set up an appointment with a lawyer, and find out your rights, so you can begin making long-term plans that don't include HIM.

Chance favors the prepared. If you take care of yourself, and leave him flapping out in the wind, things will change. I'm not saying he will come home, I am saying that you will be in a MUCH better place - a place of power. Your own power.

Empower yourself and take back your life, Tina. He is not a safe person for you to be invested with right now. He can only hurt you now.

Spidey

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

This morning when I went into the office my SIL was there. She told me that she had a long talk with my WH. That he told her not to tell me certain things. She said he is going down that infact he does have plans to meet OW. Which I already knew.

He told her he has also lied to and hurt OW and he feels like he should say goodbye in person. That he going to tell her what he is doing is wrong because he is married. I told my SIL you don't go spend the weekend with someone then tell them goodbye. I told her even if he went with the intention of telling her goodbye. Once he gets there and it feels right or good he won't. She said Tina he is trying to the right thing. Wouldn't you want him to tell you in person instead of over the phone. Also said she told him the same thing about feeling good and not being able to say goodbye.

I told her I didn't agree with it. He lied once again to me but I wasn't bothered because I already knew he was going to meet her. She said well if he does go and ends it that will be good. But if he doesn't then she said you know what you have to do. My hopes are not up. I am like whatever. Because I have heard it so many times. Usually when he gets back he is more withdrawn. Guess we will see on Sunday how he acts towards me. Yes I did notice some changes in him. The tone in his voice is different the last 2 days and he is more concerned about me. Whereas the last few weeks he hasn't been concerned at all. Who knows...

I have not called him and I probably won't pick up if he calls here. Which I don't think he will anyway. I thought I would be more upset or sad but I am not. I am to the point where let him do whatever I got a life to live. I have lived the last 10 months in sadness and stress and I don't want to do that any longer. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to wakeup and not care if the person I love is calling someone else or going to see them.

He has to make a choice. And I am not going to force, beg or plead for him to come home. When he walks in the door and decides to work on our marriage. I want it to be because he wants it also. If not then I will keep moving with or without him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dang, girl! That's the spirit! Keep it up this weekend. This is a pivotal time for him. Don't give him any ideas that he can continue cake-eating and fence-sitting. Make him worry. And make him curious. Make him think about YOU.

Thoughts and prayers to you!

Spidey

I am going to stick with it this weekend. He probably expects me to react like the other times. Call him constantly. Of course his phone was turned off all the other times. This time I guess he feels he is doing me a favor by telling me he is letting it on.

When the thoughts of what they are doing start to enter my mind I try to think of something else. I don't even think he will call and talk to the kids all weekend. I will probably have to take them trick or treating by myself. Guess being with her is worth missing out with his kids. One day he will regret what he is doing.