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I have a lot of guilt for the OM's wife and of course the greatest guilt is to my own H but it is different to that I feel for her.
So the OM was a co worker and we were good friends and yes confidents. But we had set our boundaries and when we moved past those I don't think either of us realised it. Soon he was telling me all about his M and that his wife had an affair which shocked me because if anyone seemed to love their H as much as I loved mine it was his wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
How many months he & I talked and confided I'm not sure, but it was a long time. His wife had come home, he was not happy and I was stressing out about a mistake I made at work which resulted in a child being abused. It didn't matter that no one else blamed me, I did. So hard drinking followed by crying and comforting and, well the A started. NO EXCUSES Anyway the A ran its course, she found out, and in a act of both strength & compassion forgave him, took him back and moved their whole family to another state to 'start' over.
I feel I should apologise to that woman for what I did. Doesn't matter what their situation was I should not have been there bewteen them.
She deserves that at the least. A simple straight forward apology and admission of guilt posted to her. Maybe it will help her, I hope so. I don't want to interfere, don't want to know how they are going, nothing.
Do you think I should do this or would I just be hurting her again?
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As a BS I have absolutely no desire to hear from OW and help her to alleviate her guilt. It sounds like you really want to do the right thing, but from her point of view it could seem like you are doing it to feel better about yourself.
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I think this is a POJA moment.
Work this out with your H.
Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kloe72: <strong> As a BS I have absolutely no desire to hear from OW and help her to alleviate her guilt. It sounds like you really want to do the right thing, but from her point of view it could seem like you are doing it to feel better about yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aussieswife is here to heal herself and her marriage. If apologizing to OM's BW helps this MBer toward a better marriage, and if doing so will not hurt or harm anyone else, then why not?
Pep
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Completely agree with Pep. Its a POJA candidate. The POJA discusison will be useful whether the letter is sent and welcomed or not.
If I got an apology letter from OM I would promote him from sewage-digesting paramecium to somewhere near primate in the food chain but I'd still want him dead and I would certainly not respond to help his healing unless his GF asked me to to help their recovery.
* BTW Pep, love the Steven Wright quote in your sig ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <small>[ October 20, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
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aussieswife - As the BS and coming from a situation eerily similar to yours, it would mean something to me to receive an apology. I spoke to the OW in my case once and she was totally callous and not sorry at all. People say that the OW either feels no shame for the damage they have caused or they hide it from those they have hurt to protect themselves. In my case, an apology would, at the very least, be an acknowledgement to her role in the destruction of a relationship and that she understands the pain she has caused with her actions. Why is that important to me? I do believe that people make mistakes and I admire anyone that can own up to their mistake even knowing that they can never undo the damage - it would restore a little of my faith in people again and give me more reason to forgive.
Although I realize that forgiveness comes from letting go of the bad feelings and that we do it for ourselves, it would be much easier to do knowing that she really realizes that her actions caused a lot of damage to another human being and hopefully it will prevent her from doing it again. Maybe she realizes that from her BS, but how would I ever know that? I need to know that - I know others will disagree, but who cares because it is my opinion.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aussieswife is here to heal herself and her marriage. If apologizing to OM's BW helps this MBer toward a better marriage, and if doing so will not hurt or harm anyone else, then why not? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what if it does hurt the BW? What if it does bring up fresh pain for her? It might make Aussieswife and her H feel better, but at the cost of hurting the BW yet again. Not saying that this is the case, but it could be and is something to consider.
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As the OW in my relationship, I was advised from several people on this board to send an apology letter to his now ex-wife. WAT first suggested it and then several others agreed.
I was overwhelmed with grief and shame at the time. I did write the letter but she moved and I was never able to get any kind of idea where she is. Even her former step kids do not know where she is. So I never sent the letter. No phone number anywhere either.
I think she would have either laughed her [censored] off or burned the letter in hatred, but my shame and regret was real, as was my apology.
If I ever do have a chance I will ask her forgiveness in the part I played in destroying her marriage. How she reacts is up to her, but I am willing to endure her wrath if I must in order to tell her I am sorry.
I did ask my fiance if he minded and he didn't understand but was okay with me writing it to her.
I totally understand why you want/need to do this.
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Aussieswife,
I also wanted to add that I would appreciatte an honest apology if I were betrayed by another woman. I have only been betrayed by men and I think the pain of a woman hurting me by having an affair with someone I loved would bother me for the rest of my life. So a letter from you might help her to move on and let go of any hatred she might harbor.
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Thankyou all for your advice.
I have thought very long & hard about this and to even think about contacting her is very difficult.
Kloe my worry was and is that it would hurt more than help and yes I do need to ask Aussie to support and agree to this. I nearly stuffed that up right away just there.
In fact I suppose he would want to see the letter and even post it himself perhaps so he is assured I'm not using it to contact the OM. I'm more than happy for that to happen & I think I would drive off a cliff before doing that. I think I've hurt enough people.
But OM's Mum still lives here and I know she was very supportive of her DIL and getting the M back together even when she - OM's wife - was having her affair. I thought of contacting his mum & asking her to see if its even possible and maybe even getting her to send it on so there is no direct contact. She might tell me to go to you know where but at least I should try.
If its no then that the end of it I'll never try to contact them in any way. Maybe I can keep the pain for her at arms length that way. Its about all I can do.
Next step is Aussie, I've apologised to him but not sure if he fully accepts that yet, see if he agrees to it. Frankly I dont know where he is at the moment about us so its anyones guess.
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I just recieved an apology from OW last month. It was a rather lame conversation, I actually posted the details of it on GQII.
Look very closely at your motives. Is your desire to apologize greater than your H's need for NC to that family? They took dramatic steps to start a new life, without you or any reminders of the affair and moved to another state. You want to track them down so you can apologize?
I'm sure your H is comforted by the fact that they no longer live so close to you. You contacting her will illustate just how easy it is to contact them.
When my OW apologized to me a couple of thoughts went through my head. 1. She wants to know how or if our marriage is recovering (is FWH available?) 2. She was hoping to make an impression on FWH 3. She wants to feel good about herself and is using me to do it 4. OW and H work in the same industry and she hopes that they / we can be friends someday.
Then the conversation then got really lame cause neither of us knew how to end it. I know I will see her again, but her apology hasn't changed my opinion of her. Only learning charity and forgiveness will change my opinion of her.
You cannot gain closure by words, but by actions. NC is the best closure possible, because after you contact her you'll become involved again. Did I say this the right way, what if she thinks this, should I go back and clarify?
I'm glad that you don't want to hurt her. So protect her from you and don't contact her, because you bring the gift of triggers.
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AW, I did send a letter, and I actually requested a meeting with OW, my former BF.
I could not move on in my "self" recovery without acknowledging the damage and pain I had caused her entire family. I could not make such bad choices that directly effected her, and not apologies for them.
I sincerely apologized to her, because I truly was sorry. It was a very emotional moment for myself and her, but I absolutely needed it, and she very graciously accepted my apology.
I absolutely felt I owed her one, and she deserved one. It was also for my own recovery.
KY
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Why is it that people can forgive their WS but not the OP?
I would think it would be harder to forgive your spouse since they were the one who promised to be true?
So many on here have and would take their WS back but think the OP is absolute scum of earth and not worthy of forgivness or feelings or anything else.
I just don't get that logic.
Sorry Ausiieswife, probably should have started a new thread for that...just thinking outloud.
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Weaver, My H has very lovingly forgave me, completely. Yet he is world's away from forgiving the OM, and has no desire to get to that point.
OM has shown NO remorse, and very little to his W.
OM's W, very graciously forgave me instantly, she later Q my motives, but we have talked again, and she was gracious once more.
I guess my H feels there is no need to forgive him, he is no longer in his life, he just wants to move on and forget him, without showing him any kind of compasion, like forgiveness.
It does make you wonder though, doesn't. That is why I run and hide from MB sometimes. I feel so many people just dislike the WS in general, Former or not. I was that person, but it will not define me.
KY
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yes Loy I can see that what you say is a good possibility. I acknowledge that partly its for me & my H but mostly it is to sincerely say I am so sorry to have hurt her. I know that even though she was having her own A, she still loved her H, she's proved that hasn't she, & I know there was no less hurt to her or excuse that I want to use. It was simply wrong. I know how jealous I am of any attention Aussie gets or has of other women now and it would kill me to know he was having an A. Yes what a hypocrite I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
If Aussie agrees I'll ask her MIL to just ask if it would help her if she got an apology from me and if so I'll send it through her MIL & I will never have any contact or knowledge of them.
I can't make it up to her in any way but maybe it will help to know I will NEVER speak or see or contact her H again as long as I live.
I'm glad KY it worked ok for you. I do sometimes think to actually say you are sorry & remorseful for our actions can help those you have offended. But I'm going to try & make sure thats the case before I do anything.
Its so easy to hurt people, so much harder to repair that pain.
Well its 2.45am here in Perth right now, in the middle of a thunder storm and enough lightening to see without the street lights on, and Aussie has just got home looking like he been through a wringer, so I'm getting him to bed as he says he has to be back at the barracks at 8.00 in the morning.
Good nite all and many thanks...I'll let you know how it goes.
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I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post this question, but I've been looking for a topic and this is the closest I've found.
My H has had an affair (for 2 years!) with another woman which I recently found out about. He is in love with her and this has pretty much destroyed a 21 year marriage (among other lies).
I now know about it, but the OW's husband does not. Do I contact him and tell him? I must admit, I am very tempted to do so, call it vengence if you wish. I have his address and phone number, and I actually called it one day but no one answered.
Truth be told, I want her marriage to suffer as much as mine has over the past 6 months. My marriage is ending, four children, 21 years, no future together.
Has anyone thought this through? I need some advice on this please.
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Why is it that people can forgive their WS but not the OP?
I would think it would be harder to forgive your spouse since they were the one who promised to be true?
So many on here have and would take their WS back but think the OP is absolute scum of earth and not worthy of forgivness or feelings or anything else.
I just don't get that logic.
Weaver in my case there are two reasons: 1) OM is a 35 year 'player' veteran with a trail of divorces and broken third party marriages in his wake. he really WAS more to blame than my FWW in our case. 2) I need to hate somebody and I can't hate the woman I am trying to rebuild a relationship with. Its projection of all my hatred of the A onto one person for the health of my relationship with my FWW. Its convenient for me that he is also a serial infidel scumbag.
And I can;t forgive my FWW either yet.
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AW,
S_ sent a combined apology and NC letter to OMM's wife. This was about 4 months after DDay 2. I was urging the NC letter. S_ added the apology (a full page worth) on her own.
This did a number of good things for everyone involved:
1. OMM's W seemed she would be appreciative but reserved. She and I had been confiding in each other prior to this. She implied she would appreciate an apology but would not respond. She wanted no direct contact with my W. OMM's W is the product of an A on OMM's first wife. So I think she feels she does not have a lot of room to maneuver.
2. I was very proud of S_ for apologizing. It was her idea and she was scared, but she faced it. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being a good thing) it was a 10, for me. This helped my recovery a huge amount. Trust boosted a lot.
3. The letter subtly let OMM's W know OMM was still lying through his teeth to her.
4. S_ felt good about herself for the first time in a long time. It was a big step forward in the long process of self-forgiveness.
5. I think the letter PO'd OMM a great deal. Another 10!
I highly recommend sending an apology. But don't expect any feedback. In fact, don't apologize if you expect a reply.
Good luck, and our prayers are with both of you. Tell Aussie I want to chat fishing some more.
T
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Bob,
Yes I understand that for you it is still way too new. Your pain is still great and very fresh. And you make sense about having to direct your anger somewhere. But I hope over time your heart can soften again, and that forgiveness comes easy. That is the way of the Lord, and for your sake I hope the way of your heart too. (when you are ready)
The OP in your case is paying for his sins...and he is suffering the unimaginable right now, the loss of his son. So I will keep a soft spot in my heart for him, if you don't mind.
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Weaver OM is suffering now - so badly his GF calle dme and begge dme not to expose his illegal activities to the charity authorities he does work for. * His estranged son died. OM hardly knew him, abandoned XW and son after divorce. He is in bereavement counselling for this * His GF has a condition that will make her profoundly deaf by the year end. He is trying to learn signing in advance. * His mother is dying, he visted her at home two weks ago to say goodbye * His boasting of the A to Karate buddies has backfired dreadfullty - news got back to his superiors and they are considering removing him from his post. * My baby chose me, not his lying wastrel @ss. * His son with his GF hate shim s he knows about the A. * He lives in fear of me - of exposing him and also physically. GF says he flinches when the phone rings with my area code showing.
SO ,all told, OM is in a place I could not have devised for him even in my darkest moments.
He GF tells me he believes he is paying for his sins - not just the A his MANY sins over the years. He is a humbled and subdued man without the benefit of salvation or knowledge of God.
So Weaver its as well that you keep a soft spot for him in your heart. He needs someone to.
As for me, even my pity is stirred a little. Only a little though. I only do not wish him dead because his GF sees enough merit in the wretch to try to recover their relationship.
And it pleases me that he fears me. I know, My bad. At least I haven;t broken his legs...its a start <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ( joke!)
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