I guess an introduction is in order before I just open my *mouth* and spill my brains. Hi there. I'm a recently remarried 40-something woman.

I don’t even know how to begin. My husband is the best thing that’s ever happened to me - he’s that “soul mate” that I would read mushy cards or hear people talk about, but who I never thought really existed for me. Or if he had, I’d messed up my chances to meet him long ago by making bad choices.

He’s a gentleman in every sense of the word. He treats me like a princess, and I couldn’t ask for a better life mate.

But I cheated on him. One time, two months ago. After drinking way too much. And with my supervisor. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t tell him because it would break his heart, and it’s bad enough that I broke my own. Not to mention my marriage vows.

I just don’t know how to heal from this. I’m looking for another job, because I don’t want to even be reminded. There’s no temptation.

I just, really, hate myself. Any input?

Welcome, givemepeace.

Stick around.

I don't have much advice for you right this minute. Try to figure out why you did it ("it just happened" is nonsense), then you're probably going to have to tell.

Some would advise dragging the weight for this around by yourself for the rest of your life, and would suggest this is the fairest thing to do for your H, that telling him is self-indulgent. I disagree, as will most people here I expect.

GC

I agree that it didn't "just happen." I've searched my heart and soul for a reason I would do that.

He works nights, and I'm alone a lot. He's got a friendship with a woman who I am positive wants to have more than a friendship with him, but he doesn't see it, so there's not a problem.

Those are the things I've come up with. I can't tell him, though.

Your unwillingness to tell your H for fear of hurting him is understandable but you've got to keep in mind that this is a terrible secret that is already taking its toll on you and on your marriage. If your H loves you, he will sense that there is something wrong by your behavior and he will feel alienated by this wall of secrecy that you have erected to 'protect' him from finding out about your ONS. Ask yourself, who are you truly trying to protect, him or you?

Him, because this knowledge is tearing my guts apart, and he shouldn't have to feel what I feel.

Me, because I don't want to lose him. I would rather die.

Hello,

I have just a quick question for you. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want your husband to tell you since he put your health at risk? You are continuing to disrespect your husband and your marriage by not telling him the truth. Surely you must realize this. I wish you luck.

givemepeace...

Please rethink "I can't tell him"! You have already disrespected him by shattering your marraige vows, do not continue this disrespect by pre-supposing how your husband will react (I believe this is what you're fearful of). It's HIS LIFE TOO, it's imperative that HE understand what's going/gone on in it!

Having been on the receiving end of a continuing deception of this type (25 years ago W got pregnant and had abortion and kept this between herself and OM for that whole time). I'm certain that this lie (of omission) "tainted" our relationship for those 25 years, and that we are now reaping the "fruits" (multiple EA/PA's) born of this deception.

This burden is not fair to you, and is absolutely NOT fair to him...

Good, tough question.

I would want to know. But I think if I told him, he’d want out. He was a bachelor for 12 years. He swore he would never get married again because he was hurt so badly by his ex-wife - who cheated on him repeatedly and had multiple affairs.

I know this marriage/relationship is one of a kind. Like I said - I don’t want to lose it. That’s extremely selfish, I know. I just know I made a really bad mistake, and I don't know what to do.

Speaking as one who was NOT told....it sucks!

I learned the hard way: I found a love letter that my wife had written to the OM.

I've told my wife - and I firmly believe - that I'd be in a much better place right now if she had told me. Yeah..it would have hurt. But it doesn't hurt any less to find out this way.

My advice is to tell. Chances are, your husband will find out eventually. And when he does, the fact that you didn't respect or trust him enough to tell him is going to make it sting all the more.

By keeping the truth hidden from him you are treating him like a child instead of the adult he is. He will be deeply hurt, you can count on that, but he is strong enough to come back and recover. And if he truly loves you, like you love him, he will eventually find it in his heart to forgive you and want to remain married to you. There is also the possibility that he could find out about your ONS from other sources [your boss] and then he will be much more hurt and could find it harder to forgive you than if he had found out about your ONS from your own lips.

givemepeace

Your situation does sound similar to my own. We are 37 me the FWW & my H 38 years old.
I to cheated on my H at work, after drinking and heaps of work related stress, but I kept doing it over about 4 months.
No real reasons either. Just STUPID!!!

There doesn't have to be deep seated reasons for what you did, my MC & IC has discussed this extensively with me and sometimes its just an escape from everyday events, however usually there are issues and they may be quite personal and nothing to do with the M or your H. But that doesn’t make you feel any better.

He didn't have an idea of what was going on, it ended and after a while I couldn't stand the guilt and I told him about it 4 months ago.

Life since has not been happy but we work through each day one by one.
I'm not sure what I thought when I told him, I expected the worst and nearly got it. I suppose it could still all fall apart but we are trying.

With hindsight do I wish I had never told him, at times yes of course I do.
However, I also recognise he had the right to decide if he wanted to stay married to me after I had betrayed him. Adultery is a deep & very personal wound to your spouse. And your behaviour will change and your H will know eventually, I just pre-empted that.

I can only advise you to read all you can here and get some of the books that are recommended to understand the circumstances and what you can do now.
I think you will probably feel there is nothing anyone can say to you that you have not said to yourself, nor any name they can come up with you have not thought of first! We punish ourselves.
But remember you will have to forgive yourself too or you will not be able to heal your M.

We will be here for you to post to and vent, and advise if we can and help you through this tough time. Many of us seem to learn together and support each other here regardless of either being the betrayed - BS - or the cheater - WW or WS etc. There are some very large hearts here.

Welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would want to know. But I think if I told him, he?d want out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is his choice to make. There are consequences to infedility, people don't really think of them before hand.

You can not get over this unless you come clean. Confess, repent, receive forgiveness.

There is something missing from you inside, and from your M, for you to have crossed this line.

You need to figure out what led you to another man, and fix that problem. Your H can not fix what he does not know is broken.

You need to tell him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by givemepeace:
<strong> Good, tough question.

I would want to know. But I think if I told him, he?d want out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you are going to deprive him of that right? Where in the world do you get the power to make decisions about HIS LIFE? Is he your pet? Or is he a human being who should have the right to make a decision about his own life?

You have no right to deprive him of this right.

Not telling him is cruel, manipulative and sneaky. You can't say that you "love" him and then turn around and treat him like a pet. If you really "love" him, as you say you do, then you love him enough to allow him to make an informed decision about his life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And you are going to deprive him of that right? Where in the world do you get the power to make decisions about HIS LIFE? Is he your pet? Or is he a human being who should have the right to make a decision about his own life?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, hello to you, too. Thank you for the warm welcome. It’s obvious to me that you are the betrayed spouse from your lack of human compassion for someone whose guts are already ripped to shreds. And who came here looking for help, not more of the beating up and hating that I’m doing perfectly well to myself, thank you.

I appreciate that you responded; however, I am in such utter turmoil that I really don’t want to live sometimes. I’d appreciate you not responding until and unless you can find a modicum of human compassion in your soul. As in - think of some sin you’ve committed against somebody else, oh, say, judging with a harsh measure - and think about how you would want to be treated. Lest you misunderstand - this isn’t denial. I know what that looks like in myself. You need to have all of the facts before making such a harsh statement to someone who probably will not be back here - based largely on the fact that people like you are so quick to jump down my throat.

Working through this has got to be a process. I can’t just post my situation and your response is going to make me run to my husband and tell him that I betrayed him. If you really want to help people, you should learn both sides of this horrible issue. I’ve been on both sides now. I never would have jumped on a new person the way you did.

What kind of place is this, anyway? I thought it was Christian based. I can get this harshness out in the secular world.

posted twice for some reason

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: givemepeace ]</small>

I think ML was simply being firm, but I understand you taking it personally.

You will find nothing but help and compassion from the people here (including ML), that's what kind of place it is.

GC

GMP,

Melody Lanes response was compassion.

I have had the pleasure of observing her wisdom from afar and advise you to consider carefully anything she has to offer.

She has told you exactly what you need to hear and oh boy did it ever sting! Didn't it? By withholding this information from your H you are indeed treating him as a pet. Depriving him of his right to choose to walk away [after all, you chose to have sex with your boss, really the irony should be just about smothering you if you missed that somehow] is cruel and manipulative. He didn't have a vote in your decision..and you do not have a vote in his.

Is there any part of this that you wish to dispute?

I will assume not, because the truth is so glaringly obvious.

Now..exposure to the betrayed spouse is the first and foremost important task to be undertaken in a marriage recovery. While you are resistant to this..you will find very little besides planks of wood being swung at your forehead. Not to be cruel..but to knock some sense into you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

There is at least one entire thread dedicated to WW and FWW and every single one of the FWW would tell you the same thing that ML just did. However..they too have felt as you do and would perhaps be able to commiserate with you and help to satisfy your need for sympathy.

The choice you have made has dealt your marriage a mortal wound. It will never be what it was regardless of your wishes. This marriage has died by your hand.

Your situation as you describe it seems very like my own husbands..a ONS that he felt instantly sick about. He did confess to me [the next day] and I can tell you with certainty that it was his willing confession that made me available to even consider recovery. I suspect that your issue is boundary related [as was his] rather than specifically affair related. I would be happy to continue to talk with you and be helpfull when I am able, however..I will warn you, you will never get anything other than my unbridled perception of what is true based on what I observe from you. If you are looking for someone to assauge your guilt, you have come to the wrong place..if you are looking for people to help you fight..welcome aboard.


--Noodle

from one who had a very similar history:

I, too, had done something very similar - too much drinking, supervisor, wondrful, loving, understanding and admiring H at home, and decided by myself it was too cruel and selfish to tell him what I'd done.

However, your own self-worth deminishes over time, and no doubt, it was already damaged before you made the choice - had some influence on WHY you made the choice (drinking or not). The way you feel about yourself absolutely effects the way you will interact with your H over time.

In my case, over the years as I interacted with him less and less (ENs) and my career dominated my life more and more, he ended up feeling worthless (could be fog, but probably has some credence), had the A and his was long term and he fell in love with a lowly OW (prob'y to make him feel on 'high ground'). My own selfish secret imposed itself upon everything we had. Everything I once had, or thought I had is gone: the man who once worshipped me, the man who once would do anything for me, the man of honor and strength, the man I trustedwith my very life, the man who always knew right from wrong and did the right thing - don't know if I'll ever get him back

You see, we are suffering now because of my own selfishness and bull-headedness. Because I decided rather than WE decided.

Also, I'll add, I can't say WHY you did what you did, but my own indiscretion was most likely BECAUSE my H was so wonderful, and I didn't think I really deserved him (self-worth issue), so I unconciously f'd it up. Then hid it. I didn't honor him with the truth.

Another aside: indiscretions at the workplace can definitely come back to haunt you....

Sorry all, but I'm going to play devil's advocate. If my wife had a ONS by accident I would not want to know. I would not want to go through the pain and trouble of losing my trust for her due to something as insignificant as this. We are all human and mistakes will happen, however, I would not want to put our relationship in jeopardy over something which my wife realises is a mistake. Yes I know that all of you MB'ers will give me the big 2x4 and say it wasn't you that put the relationship in jeopardy put your wife's initial actions. Well, if a tree falls in a forest and nobody's around to hear it, did it really fall? I think Andrew A. asked if the BS's are happier nowing exactly what happened, well I know if the affair was a total mistake and a one off thing, it would cause more damage for me to know than it would for me to continue in blissful ignorance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CuriosityKilledTheCat:
Sorry all, but I'm going to play devil's advocate. If my wife had a ONS by accident I would not want to know. I would not want to go through the pain and trouble of losing my trust for her due to something as insignificant as this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How would you feel if the truth came from other sources instead of her?