Just curious...today marks exactly 5 months since my WH shared the devastating news of an affair and left me. There has been limited communication or contact between us although I have been Plan A'ing my butt off since June. WH seems bipolar...one moment he shows the side I fell in love with, the next moment he is lying and acting like an arrogant a**hole. Last week, he seemed threatened by some man who was "checking me out" and honked his horn, smiled, and waved goodbye as he drove off; he had come by to drop off mail. But then he is very short in his e-mails to me and seems like he is avoiding contact with me???

I am very confused and sick of living in limbo. Does anyone have insight as to what the success rate of reconcilation is after nearly 1/2 year of separation, limited communication, yet no divorce papers or legal papers filed???? Input is greatly appreciated...the holidays are quickly approaching and I am freaking out right now.

Thanks.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04. He dropped bomb 5/04 and immediately left me. No divorce papers filed. No kids but we had talked about starting a family in January 05 as well as purchasing a home.

kjb, I asked on Ivy's thread, but I'll ask again...

How was Kona?

I'm afraid I don't have much to tell you about your status, except that there is always hope. I can tell you're a lovely woman, and you are going to be wicked happy again some day, no matter what happens.

GC

I am in close to the same situation except less time has passed. Yes, there is always hope as GC said. IMO much depends on you while your in Plan A.

Obviously, your dealing with a "no good cake eatin' fence rider" just like my WW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Are U sure he is not still having an A? My WW would have never admitted that she was continuing the A if I hadn't have had the proof. Slippery varmits them WS's.

As for the 6 mo. marker....so much is situational that any data conclusions would be incomplete. (Wow, that sounded like Spock or something) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously though it sounds like your WH has come to a comfortable spot where he is not having to make any decisions and he probably likes it there. WS's hate decisions because of their severely limited brain capacity. He needs a push....where are your exposures at? Have you applied all the pressure you can through your exposures? This is where I am at right now. Adding the finishing touches on some exposures (none traceable to me). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Again, there is always hope as long as YOU don't go into withdrawl! When that happens it's over. Or it could even flip flop and that would also be painful. Just make sure you know where your LB balance is and get into Plan B with enough love left to weather the storm and recovery.

Take Care,

C.

Thanks guys...

GC-I just posted about Kona...not the happiest of all stories but I am keeping my chin up. I have a junkload of people who support and love me, my WH just isn't one of them right now which really hurts.

S-The one time I tried to expose anything, I got caught and WH was NOT happy at all. I know he is NOT seeing the flame from his affair last fall...he said she moved out of the state and somehow I believe this. I cannot be sure he is not dating anyone but I don't think he is in an exclusive relationship although I suppose he could be??? This makes me so nauseous. Everytime I tried to expose anything, I have just gotten hurt. I feel like this needy woman who is checking up on him by driving by his place after being out with friends to see if he is home.

He said we could "talk" after my Ironman but I don't think I want to with the way he has been treating me. And I am not sure how to confront him about this because he seems to think that these affairs he is having are ok. He says I need to move on to other men but when he see's other men "checking me out" or flirting, he seems taken back by this. Just a couple weeks ago prior to my trip, he came by to drop off mail. I had gotten dressed up to go out to dinner with friends...was lookin very sexy and an outfit my WH had not seen me in. Anyways, he gives me a big hug and says goodbye. I walk down the street with confidence and another man drives by hanging his head out the window smiling at me. My WH sees this and as he drives off, he honks at me, smiles at me, and waves goodbye...never had done this before too so I got the idea that he was jealous of this other man. I am afraid the holidays may be the end of our story which is just plain devastating to me. I continue to plan A as I am not sure how good I'd be with ignoring him in Plan B and I know he would not be receptive to a plan B letter. I sent him a postcard and continue to deposit into his LB but mine is quickly drying up...as Juke has put it, it is almost as if I am holding onto memories of the man I married rather than the ugly person my WH has become.

Have great weekend,

-K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
I have been Plan A'ing my butt off since June. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you plan to stop Plan A anytime soon? It is not working.

Pep

My problem is that I don't even know if he is having an affair at the moment. I guarantee that my WH will NOT be receptive to a NC, Plan B letter and it doesn't really make sense since he may not even be seeing anyone right now. And I just don't know if I am a plan B type of gal...I'd rather stay true to myself then play the "I'll show him" game. I am not sure I could completely put him on ignore anyways. The days we do have positive conversation, I feel like we may be moving forward. And WH definitely seems conflicted...a man who tells his wife that she needs to move on one moment yet then gets threatened/jealous when he sees her being hit on by another man is a sign of someone who just doesn't comprehend what the h*ll he is doing. Maybe I am completely off base but I sense he is struggling internally with this...being by his side, making myself available to him allows me to stay true to the caring person he fell in love with in the first place. I am not bending head over heals to contact him but do occasionally send a nice, non threatening (no R talk) e-mail to him. We'll see what happens. What are your thoughts on Plan B????

THanks,

-K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kjb23:
...I'd rather stay true to myself then play the "I'll show him" game. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may misunderstand Plan B if you think it's purpose is "I'll show him".

No, not at all.

Plan B is to protect the BS from the pain, the chaos and the disrespect.

If you are not in much pain, if there is no chaos affecting you, and if your H respects you ... then you are indeed correct, you have no need for the protection of Plan B.

Pep

Let him see you moving on and dating and seeming to enjoy it. That will wake him up.

Too many of you women have such low self esteem that you can't see the forest from the trees. This man has a jealousy button and you refuse to push it or use it to your advantage. That is a critical mistake in a love relationship. My philosophy is to do what works. Plan A is not working and you don't want to go to Plan B. By just staying as you are you are SLOWLY destroying your chances to reconcile. Put some competition into the picture and then you might light a little fire under his butt. If you keep up as you are then he can continue to see what else is out there. After all, he can always come back to you, since you will love him no matter what.

Unconditional love does NOT WORK to bring them back. It makes you look like a doormat. And you know what people do with doormats? Yes, walk on them.

Get Dr. Dobsons book "Love Must Be Tough".
Check out in the back of the book in the chapter "Loving toughness for singles", where he talks about his relationship with his wife before they were married and how she reacted when he broke up with her once. Notice how she handled the breakup and how her response to the breakup, turned him around. It is quite normal for a man to react the way he did, if a woman responds the way she did.

Check out thread on this site of Venusmars or Mars venus or something like that...

Notice that he DID NOT wake up UNTIL his wife met another man. Notice that now he will do ANYTHING to get her back incuding giving up all other women. He was fooling around on her the whole marriage and yet didn't stop until his wife showed him she had another man.. that is not a coincidence it happened that way....

think about it.... if jealousy is a button then PUSH it. Why wait until it is too late?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by keepmovn4wrd:

Too many of you women have such low self esteem that you can't see the forest from the trees. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't be serious... IMHO this was REALLY BAD advice... I suggest you ignore the advice to "date" while still married.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... because doing THAT makes you susceptible to having an affair yourself.

Pep

PS... FYI... Dobson does NOT advocate a married person date (to cause jealousy) while their spouse is having an affair.

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks guys....

I have never had problems with my SE but then again, I had never loved a man prior to my husband so I guess I do have that fear that I'll be alone in the future. It never bothered me before but now that I have experienced love, I miss having it when I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night, etc., etc. Being married has been the most amazing experience of my life because I was able to share my love with a man who cherished me (or at least used to).

I totally understand about being a doormat...I do think he has taken advantage of me in certain circumstances. I know I am not ready to romantically get involved with another man...I am still in love with my WH. Furthermore, I have been wearing my wedding bands so I am not sure how intriguing that is to another man. Plus, if I get involved with another man, I may be even more confused since I'll be with someone who will be giving me a helluva lot more respect than my WH is right now. I think getting involved with someone else would actually jeapordize reconcilation...make sense? I will not date so long as I am married to my WH.

How do I let my WH know that I am moving on???? I do have many guy friends with whom I hang out with as friends and may trigger jealousy from my WH. I do occasionally send him friend-like e-mails stating that I went out with friends, to baseball games, to the beach, etc. He knows when I go out with others, including other men and he has shown some interest when I mention I am going out with other men (as friends). I also gave him a box of stuff which included some of his personal items, our wedding album, and some books the other day....not sure if this gave him any signals that I am moving on???

Continued thoughts/guidance appreciated as I am still obviously struggling.

Thanks,

-K

kjb, better luck next year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You do need to change something, no doubt about it. Either become more distant and independent but still in plan A, or go to plan B and let him see life without you.

Whatever you do, do not let fear affect your decision.

I was hesitant about plan B. I didn't know if I'd done enough in plan A. I thought no contact might be just what my W wanted. But I also knew that every time I saw her, I was fighting a powerful urge to express my righteous indignation. I did just that a couple of times, and it was necessary and done in a loving way. But I realized I was not going to be able to put a lid on it in future encounters. And I had grown simply outraged by her ongoing behavior.

Now, looking back, I see all the kind and considerate things I did for the sparrow during the summer, and I realize she is bound to miss it. Even if it annoyed her at the time! My perspective changed immediately after I booted my W out of my life.

Your H doesn't have to be cheating (for sure) for you to do a plan B. He does not consider the two of you two have an intimate relationship any more, and he considers himself free to date. That's enough.

GC

Thanks GC...a return trip to Kona is something to look forward to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think thru the holidays, I'll stay in Plan A. I just know myself and think it will be literally impossible to have NC with WH during our first holiday season apart (if we don't reconcile or DV before then). I have stopped inviting him to go out with me or asking him over...just occassionally e-mail him to see what he is up to and state some of the fun things I am up to. I sent him a postcard from Kona and have a card for his b-day but don't know if it is appropriate for me to ask to take him out to dinner on his special day. This may be a good time to distance myself...you think? It is hard because I have an easier time being nice than fathoming ignoring him on his b-day. Plus, I feel like it has been lightyears since we have been able to spend any quality time togethe which in my mind doesn't help our marriage....this is what drove us apart in the first place. My mind is still racing in about a thousand different directions as to what is the best approach to try to salvage our marriage and rebuild a better one....ugh. While my body is Ironman fit, I never trained my body, my mind for this mental anguish nor did I ever dream that I'd have to.

-K

If its any help, I was separated from my husband for 15 months b4 coming back. It was only when he showed real signs of moving on that i realised what i stood to lose....

You may like the idea of reading up on the concept of a 180, as your husband is obviously prone to jealousy. This will make him think u r moving on even if you arent and may help to jolt him back to reality.

Wow, debbra. I should read more about your story.

GC

Thanks Debbra...I did read a thread about 180 at some point in time. Some of the items seemed like stuff I could do but others seemed a bit hard. I have a hard time getting angry and a hard time not thinking about WH. The minimal contact I do have keeps me motivated to try to salvage the marriage.

At the same point, I am trying to send signals that I am in deed going out and will be fine without WH....like the other night when I dressed up all sexy to go out and consequently got hit on by another man in front of WH. I think he knows this though...he has seen my influence in the community, he knows I am very sociable, athletic, and caring. At one point in time during this 5 month fiasco, he said and I quote, "You are naturally beautiful, intelligent, athletic, caring, and have a rockin body." I am thinking to myself, "So what are you looking for in a woman?" I am also sure he thinks about the time when I was single and was fighting for my attention along with a group of other guys. Before he knew it, I was his trophy girlfriend/wife as his friends would say. They always said how proud WH was to have a wife who was so bubbly, caring, cute, actively involved in the community, and successful at what I did. Apparently, he was smitten and always would tell them "how lucky he was", "how he couldn't believe he ended up with a person like myself."

In reflecting back on our memories together, there are certain things that were red flags to me. On several of the cards we received for our wedding, there would be a side note from his friends/family stating something to the extent, "I am proud of the man you have grown into." His mom told my mom how much I had changed WH and how thrilled she was to see her son finally grow up. It was as if I never saw my WH in the apparently dimmed light he used to live in until now. I guess he has some self esteem issues and has lashed out angrily in the past when things weren't going well in his life. I just hope WH seeks out the help he needs to build his esteem and ultimately become happy as to who he is. He knows what he has the potential to lose which is why I think he hasn't filed yet. I know he feels like he doesn't deserve me after what he has done this past year. He knows I am forgiving and also knows what things I am willing to work on to make our marriage a better one. Yet, I can save the marriage single handed...hea has to be involved too and I don't feel like he is carrying any of the weight even though he is the one who had the affair.

What were the main bullet points from 180 that helped you realize the reality what you were going to lose if you didn't wake up from the fogged world you were living in?

Thanks

-K