I'm trying to see both sides of this right now. She really does love her career and she is good at it. Our company is big enough that she can work in another department and not see OM.

She says that if she quits her job and starts over, she's afraid that she'll end up resenting me. In a way, I see this. She is very career-oriented. At the same time, I wonder how she values our M. If I knew that quitting my job and getting another would save our M, I'd be outta here already.

I'm hopeful about things, but I'm also so worried that I'm being played. I don't know that I could handle a breach of NC or a false recovery.

Rykon,

You must make her aware of the FACT that your love for her will continue to die and your resentment grow stronger as long as she continues to have contact with the OM. Let her know that you cannot and will not force her to quit her job and that this is something that she has to do because it is what SHE wants. You must let her know that the ball is on her side of the court and that it would be tragic if when she ended all contact with the OM and ready to give all of herself to rebuilding the marriage, that you would be adamant in no longer wanting to be married to her.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rykon:
<strong> Our company is big enough that she can work in another department and not see OM.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rykon,
That would work for me. Although that would still be a comprimise. From what I read & I can imagine, it makes sense to me that an old flame can easily get ignited ... in a heart beat!
This is so complicated - one step at a time -- I don't know what she does, but if she is that good, I would imagine there are other companies where she could do the same thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I have heard & read that moving from one company to another can give a career a boost. This is not meant to be a threat, but I would imagine the compnay would frown on internal A's - I would imagine if it continues there are increasing chances someone else might take exception & blow the wistle? Although I have heard Corporate Ameriaca turns it's head on such things! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She may not get too many high recommendations if she left in a cload of dust with the controversy of an inter-ioffcie A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> TooMuchCoffeeman's approach makes sense! She will surely have to wake up & smell the roses soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I am glad to help with the Love Must be tough recommendation! I was born & raised in Indiana -lived there up until 1986. Still have family there.
Sounds like you have a good attitude for this! You have every right to begin calling some of the shots - not selfish demands - just your thoughts - she has choices - so do you!! Let that TIGER OUT OF THE CAGE! WITH THAT ATTITUDE EXPRESSED IN THE WAY TOOMUCHCOFFEE & STAR DISCRIBES IT ... CAN BE VERY POWERFUL!! YOU ARE JUST EXPRESSING YOUR VIEWS!! LOVE SHOULD BE CONDITIONAL - YOU DON'T HAVE DOORMAT STAMPED ON YOUR FOREHEAD!
Peace be with you, man!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> HH

I just want to say that you all ROCK!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Star*fish, Hurrian Hoosier, TOOMuchCoffeeMan I appreciate all of your responses.

W is getting back from business trip tomorrow. She's been calling a lot -- at least two or three times a day and we have been IM-ing quite a bit.

I'm hoping that she will come back with a decision to work on the M. She has been telling me that she misses me quite a bit and asking if I miss her. I am going to push the NC. I do want to start working on our ENs -- even while she is working in the same department. Plan A is about meeting the ENs if the spouse will let you. I can then hopefully "charm" her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> into getting moved to another department.

The only thing that scares me is going through all of this again. If there's contact after this, my next task is to expose to MIL & FIL.

I really appreciate all of the support that you all have been giving me. You've got a special place in my heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think it can help to tell her parents, if you think they can influence her.

In my case, MIL helps and hurts, but moslty helps.

How it helps:
My WW looks up to her mother and fears losing their relationship.

How it hurts:
MIL is always on her case. WW has said "some times I whant to go to OM just because of the preassure from her mother and I.

What has helped best for me is getting caring friends and family involved that are on my side who can talk to her civilly and persuad her to do what is right.

Also, my MIL got WW to see a priest and that also really helped.

If you want to see my history, I just posted it.

Good Luck!

SoNumb,

That sounds like how my situation would be. Her mother is a very strict person -- fun but, VERY strict. I know that it would put pressure on her to end things, but I also thiink that it would make her want to run away from things.

She came back from her business trip and said that she wanted to work on our M. I asked her where this left things with her and OM. She said that she knew that if she wanted to work on the M, she couldn't have anything to do with him.

I'm going to wait until tonight to ask if she has talked to him about this -- that they cannot have any personal interaction whatsoever until one of them can find a position in another department.

Rykon,
Good News!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Keep reading -- There is the NC letter thing -- Dobson talks about getting things in writing.
Cautious optimisim should be the word. Looks like you may have won the first quarter, but you have to play hard, smart, for the rest of the game!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Spend time developiong a game plan -- you were going to MC, right? Have talked with Harley, right? Continue with support & resources to do the right next steps! It is hard work.
My only caution would be to acces how serious & committed is she. Seems like a big turn around, but it is possible!!
Best Of Luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
HH

Hi HH!

One thing that SH suggested was making sure that I try to stay in first gear -- as opposed to shifting right into fourth. WW mentioned making an appointment for IC to "work on some things" that she knows she "has to work on". She wants to do this before we go back to MC. She's mentioned this before, so I'm hoping that she schedules an appointment.

She really didn't want to talk about things last night because she was tired and has a bad cold right now. I just need to make sure that I don't try to get too much done too soon.

I am going to ask if she has brought this up to OM. I noticed when I picked her up at the airport that she was nervously looking around -- I think that she didn't want me and OM to bump into eachother. I just really hope there aren't any significant breaches of NC. If she's honest with me about it, I'll be fine, but if it starts going on behind my back again, I don't know what I'll do... actually, I take that back... I'll expose to MIL/FIL, wait a while and then start Plan B.

Thanks for all of the support you guys. HH I appreciate your responses. You're a very encouraging person.