Weaver,

While I do not discredit a backstory on his lying [and in order to avoid a threadjack I'll be brief]..I do still assert that I have never encountered a habitual liar for whom respect and worth of the other person was not a key issue.

This does not mean that I dispute what you are saying re his self worth and self respect. Usually when a person can not respect themselves..they also can not respect others. They are not mutually exclusive.

In this context though..his childhood baggage is not central. What is central [imo of course] is what will juan do?

I see three scenarios..

Juan is unable to control himself..violet must end the relationship to protect herself

Juan is able to control himself but chooses not to...violet must end the relationship to protect herself.

Juan is able to control himself and chooses to control himself and they are able to sustain the relationship and begin the work of rebuilding.

The why of Juans lying addiction is an IC issue.

The what of Juans lying addiction is an issue in his marriage.

Every person here was a child before they were an adult, and I have yet to meet a person who came through it unscathed..as functional independent adults we all choose the actions we take. We all pay for our choices and the choices of our parents..no exemptions.

For whatever reason, when Juan lies to Violet, he values the evasion of whatever he perceives the consequence to be more than he values Violet. A lie is a maneuver of control. Attempts to control another person are overtly disrespectfull to them.

--Noodle

Good golly! I had no idea I would get so many kind replys to my problem. You all have so many informed thing to say.
First let me say that I am glad that Violet said what she did, and that you can get an idea of how wonderful she is. That I have been as horrible as I have been to her makes me fell terrible. Moreso than I can express here. I am sort of glad that you can all see, though.
Pepper, I agree that I have some serious esteem problems. I know that I have used my lies as places to hide, and ways of controling the "truth" of situations. I know that if I want to stay with Violet--yes, we both love that name, too--I have to clear all the lies from the table as you put it.
Noodle, I respect a lot of what you had to say. I know that lies are a poison, and a sign of cowardice in the face of the facts. I think that the bottom line of my lying is somewhere in the middle.
I respect and care for my wife enough to want to work hard to tell her the truth. It is something that I have used in moderation, probably when it was most to my advantage,in the past. I never had a great value for it. I never thought of it as something that kept me safe, or strengthened my opinion. I thought it was something that everyone did--been around my share of poor, obvious liars--thought of myself as a cut above. A good liar. I think you can see how much I have done it. So, maybe it is no surprise that I have put my wife in the position she is in, and find myself in the place I am in.
The thing I am positive of is that I cannot continue on my previous trajectory. It may be very hard, but I do respect and love my wife--no question about that--and this is something I will work hard on every day. It has to end, and end right now. I cannot let my cowardice or fear ruin what I know is a wonderful thing. "The kisses that I live for, and the Love that lights my way..."

I'd just like you all to know that last night Juan told me about a lie that he fed me quite some time ago. It wasn't anything to do with the A, but it was something that I suspected was a lie. It made me sad that he needed to lie about it at all, but I'm very glad that he came clean.

The scariest part of this for me is that I didn't even realize what a good liar he was. That he, in fact, took pride in his ability to be a good liar. I told him last night that if I had known that 10 years ago, I don't think I would've married him. I doubt I would even have dated him.

Well, it's too late to rethink that decision. All I can do now is hope for the truth and keep me eyes and ears open for the lies. (Anyone have a lie detector I can borrow?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Juan knows that one more lie and I'm through. Doesn't matter how small he may think it is. I have lost all trust in him and often feel that I am coming to the end of my rope. How many chances am I supposed to give him? I honestly don't know the answers, but I do know that I WILL NOT LIVE A LIE.

Violet

Juan,

What was the lie you told, if I may ask?