SurSur, I don't have much advice for you, except that I think you need to be tough as nails. I wish you were in your home instead of that stinker.

Thanks for your thoughts on my thread. I'm doing okay. I miss my old life is all.

(((((SurSur)))))

GC

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

SS- Sorry I was slow typing and missed your previous post. I agree, it is strange and TTSi's explanation is probably a good observation. Either way, you need to make sure that you act quickly to safegaurd yourself from his "FOG Blindness". Once you cut him off from the money supply and if you get him out of the house, life will start to become very real for him. I know as I am seeing my WS having to think about budgets and many other things that I used to do for her. By her own admission it's a real wake up call. You hang in there and continue to do a great PLAN B.

Chin up and stick with it, you have done a lot of the hard work already..

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 02:25 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Dear SS, I'm in exactly the same place as you 8 months after discovery. His continued contact has resparked his A and this weekend we also came to blows. He's moved out. I'm at the end of my tether now but I loved your line about watching someone 'self-destruct'. It is my WH. Everything to lose and nothing except a manipulative scumbag to gain. He is a sucker and deserves what he gets. He has 3 beautiful little girls who he has neglected so badly. He is a loser.

I feel better now! As to your WH, he sounds like he is really really concerned about YOUR money. Protect yourself and take each day as it comes. I've read so many rollercoaster stories now. Who knows what lies ahead! Best wishes, TT

Thanks to MB'ers for your support. It really helps me to get through this. I found a place to stay for the next few nights so I feel better. God sends me his blessings in many ways eg. free WiFi connections so I can stay linked to the discussion board.

To RM and TTSi, thanks for your suggestions...I will begin to work on them. I believe that OW has rejected him or LBing him so he doesn't have her to go to. When I confirmed that I had sent her the letter, he blurted out, "I hate her." She may have cut him off which is why he is so desperate. He will try to pressure her big time and she will respond by lying to him (they're both big-time liars); getting into an argument; or she will charge him again with battery. Hope WH doesn't get sucked into a crime of passion as he has no friends or money for bail. It would saddened me to see him spend his days in the "pen."

To Pep, thanks for your answer to my question about what kind of man--I read it before it edited--you're on target--it made me laugh--I clearly am an enabler and created a monster.

To Sadw, SB, TT, LM, GC--it helps to know that I have support and am not crazy or going through this alone. Desperate people do desparate things and WH is making one bad move after another. He is not thinking clearly and seems to be going from moment to moment. He is fogged up.

OW and her constant companion have a show this upcoming weekend. The show is next to a show that WH works. Just before the last show, OW recontacted WH and then our recovery fell apart. WH goes nuts about OW and her constant companion. OW stays in same room with companion and says he is "gay." This guy was also part of the battery charge and is a guns dealer.

Nonetheless, I am out of the chaos for now. I would not be up for the sudden WH's unexplained craziness and anger. I hope WH doesn't get himself thrown in jail or shot.

Anyway thanks to all MB'ers. SS

SS, I am so stunned to hear what your WH has done. And so sorry. At least you found out fairly early? I guess there is no consolation - sorry to have tried to offer one.

You are in such a good position, such a good place, because you seem to me to be a woman who knows what she's about. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep posting.

Spidey

SS - Good to hear you are feeling better. As a BS it never seems fair the way we are treated. At times there appears to be no logical explanation to their behaviour, may it's true, they are temporarily kidnapped by aliens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This certainly was the case with my BS. She went after a two time loser who was cheating and admitted to her that he had done it many times before. No amount of reasonning could make her see that maybe this guy was a mistake.

What initially helped me was to keep the long term objective in mind. You have to keep reminding yourself why you have chosen to continue this path and not taken the easy way out.

Right now, one of you needs to be strong, and that responsibility has fallen onto you. I am sure that you will look back and be proud of how you handled yourself through this difficult time.

Stick with it and know that your online family will support you through this.

Take Care - RM

Thanks everyone for the words of support. I am in hotel #2 for a couple of nights. I'm a grown up, but I feel like Tom Hanks in the movie, Big.

WH just left me a threatening message that he is going to see an attorney tomorrow. He said there is no other "situation" referencing to his affair. He should work for public relations with that ability to spin. He said that he is going to deal with his problem first (meaning he has no money) and then we'll deal with MY problem. Nice, who is this guy? What able-bodied, male would ask for support payments? Does this man have any pride?

WH is ten years older than I am and obviously on his own for longer. When we met, I made less money than he did but I was a saver so I paid off his bills. I started to make more money than he did, but I also shouldered more of the bills. I have money because I saved it and invested it. He had the same opportunity, but never made the same moves. Now he is making like he never got to be involved in the decisions. It would seem if he had been, he would have squandered it. That is okay, he will make some other blunder because this guy is hapless. Sorry sad sack of a fellow.

I still love him, but boy, I am beginning to hate him too. I am trying to get back into planning my time. I did not expect to return to plan B and get displaced from my house. I am planning my time and living in different places. I miss my home. I know there are many BS's who have it worst than me. My heart cries for all of us today. God please release us from this pain and show us the way we need to go.

Thanks to all of the MB family for your support. My tears are also tears of joy to have you here. God bless and watch over us.

SS - You stated

Nice, who is this guy? What able-bodied, male would ask for support payments? Does this man have any pride?

Remember that your real H has been abducted by aliens. At some stage in the future when you PLAN B the hell out of the Alien your husband will be returned.

Seriuosly though, it sounds like he's back in the fog. I know how heartbreaking this can be as they say some very hurtful things.

My WS also said that she was never included in any financial decisions which wasn't true, God knows I tried to get her interested / involved. The sad truth is she chose not to be, but that didn't stop her from accusing me of being a tyrant with her money. The ironic part was she had her own bank accounts which she controlled and all her earnings were deposited into. She rarely if ever paid for any of the bills / dinners etc.

The point to this long winded explanation is that whilst in the fog they use any excuse they can to justify the actions no matter how hurtful and untrue.
Kepp this in mind as you will no doubt hear more of the fog babble. Keep your chin up and always remember that you are a truly amazing woman!!!

Thanks RM for your thoughts and words. You are correct...I was fooled for awhile...I thought the fog had lifted and my real H was back...but he got abducted again.

This morning when I was leaving my hotel, he was driving behind me. Yipes! He pulled along side of me, but I just looked over at him. He left me a message that he is going to the attorney today. He said he wanted to talk with me. He also said that he is not sure what can be done since he has never done it before. This message was a little less angry in tone. I was going to call him to try and work it out, but I am just going to stay dark.

Winter is coming and I hope this fog does not turn into a white-out snow storm.

Thanks for your thoughts and let all of us hang in there. SS

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

WH called me at work. I took his call in the hopes he came out of the fog. He sought the advice of attorney. For some reason, he said the attorney laughed at him, but at least he knows where he stands.

He was very demanding and angry. He said this is what I want.

No actually I want to be married to you and happy and not be hurt anymore by your C with OW.

WH informed me that he is moving out and where he is going he won't need much. He said that he tried to talk with me today, but got to my hotel late. I'm not really sure how he knows where I was staying.

I have appt. with attorney tomorrow. I am really sad and hope there is God up there to help us.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks MB 'ers. ss

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

SS - I am sad to hear that you are still a bit low, but am happy to hear that;
1. His attorney laughed at him (must give you some confidence)
2. He is moving out (so you can move back in)
3. "He won't need much where he is moving to" (hopefully won't bleed you for more money.

The script sounds like that of my WS, except exposure killed off the A as far as I can tell and she is in deep withdrawal.

It sounds like your WS is still very much in the fog and on the fence. Staying dark/NC with WS is probably a good thing right now, it will give you a break from the heartache / turmoil and make WS wonder about his choices losing you.

I sympathise with you as my WS is planning a high life that she can't really afford but is hoping I will bankroll. She loves me, misses me on some days, doesn't on others. DOH !!

As per your WS mine "loves and wants to be married to me, but not hurt by me". The martian translation is, "I want you there for me but I also want my cake and eat it". Martian response from me PLAN B BABY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Even though you may not think so, you are doing a great job.. Don't let him sucker you out of PLAN B (like my WS occasionaly does). For your own benefit, try and get back into MC, either together or on your own.

Stick to a great Plan B. It will hopefully make the fog clear and shake him off the fence.

Unless he did it the old fashioned way and either followed you or got lucky, he probably found you by checking the credit card you used?

He's not contacting you with the purpose of threatening divorce I don't think.
He's contacting you because somewhere in there he needs you. Definitely not in the same way that you want him to need you right now.
But as they say, 'It's a start.'

I'd keep up with the Plan B. To me it looks like your H will respond pretty favorably to it.

Thanks RM and TTSi, for your observations--you are right on target. I had decided that I was okay with divorce, separation or getting back together. That is the peace that Plan A and Plan B give you. If we were going to separate, let's just get it over with.

I called WH and set up meeting. He asked me to house and got lunch. He had not eaten or done anything in two days. We talked about a lot of things with us--esp. the money...it isn't that I wanted control, it was that he did not participate. I would like nothing more than to have responsibility off my shoulders.

He told me that he ended it with OW. He said the their A was fizzling, but Plan B letter started it back up. I think PBL actually slammed the door on it. She accused him of making me send it. She thought I was going to come and threaten her. (I could whip her--best 2 out of 3 falls.) He said that he told her it was over and she freaked out and cut off all her hair. WH picked a psycho.

He came clean on the second cell phone--he told me he threw it over a cliff about a month ago. I came clean with him, told him I took the cell bill from those phones and knew they were linked. I told him it was wrong of me to take them, but I felt it necessary to know. I also said I knew he was lying to me.

I told him his A hurt. He tried to tell me he know because it happened in another R. I asked, were you married? No. Were you together 20+ years? No. Then you don't know how much it hurts.

We left it that he will decide what he wants to do--get back together or separate. He said he would never file for divorce. He asked me what we should do and I know enough now not to answer a passive aggressive. I really wanted a deadline, but did not want WH to feel I was pressuring him.

He invited me to coffee. We went. Then I stood up, he hugged me goodbye and I drove off back to the safety of my hotel. Not a pitch black Plan B, I thought we were separating, but I did drive off. I will give it a couple of days and see where we go.

I was feeling low, but now I am okay. I feel strong right now and I will pray an extra long prayer tonight for God to lead us out of this darkness. Hope you guys are doing okay tonight. Thanks for your thoughts and take care of you. SS

SS - You are doing great.

Having said that, I don't want to throw cold water on you, but be careful that you are not being lulled into a false sense of security.

I think your attitude of acceptance for whatever the future holds (i.e. Recovery, Divorce, Separation, etc;) was a great way for you and to view the future. It probably shocked WH as he mistakenly thought that he could just keep stringing you along infdefinitely (as they do).

I think that you need to keep PLAN B going as I suspect it is what has helped clear the fog a little and is still probably too early to be sure what WH is really thinking. (the alien may still be lurking) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

At some stage when you are ready, you will need to start thinking about what it will take for you to consider "R" (i.e. Counselling, NC letter, etc).

We seem to have a lot in common, and I see a lot of myself and my WS in your situation.

Be strong and stick with it. - Regards RM

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

SIGH !!!!!!!!

Well, you are NOT in Plan B and I think it is a safe bet that you will be back with him in no time. What other options does he have now? He is finanically dept on you, his lawyer thinks he has no chance in any settlement and the OW does not want him. Well, faced with all of this it is no suprise he is "coming clean" and deciding what we he will do. Ofcourse he will never file divorce. He really sounds like a terrific human being and a man that is definitely worth you going through all of this pain to keep and hopefullt get back together with....Good luck in your recovery with him (I think you even know deep down that you will be letting him back if he so chooses).... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for your comments RM and LM.

I will try to be safe and I appreciate your cautions--they are well taken. Just looked up WH cell bill and he was visiting with her up until two weeks and just in C a few days ago. So many reasons to stay protected. He understands this is basically the last try and so do I. There will always be time for divorce, but I am trying to see the real person, not the alien.

I recognize that I am not in Plan B--pitch black dark, but I am happy to be away from the chaos at least. I will try to stick with my boundaries and continue to MC. Thanks.

SS- How are you doing?

Hiiiiiii RM,

Thanks for asking. I am doing okay today. I like you am in a modified Plan B which I am sure I will get "busted" for.

WH called me last night at hotel to tell me about his trip...picked up..no caller ID in hotel..thought it was front desk. He called me this morning to invite me to coffee; I did not pick up. He called me work to tell invite me to watch him bowl tonight and to go on trip..I declined both. He is back in fog land--he talks about traveling the world to find himself. I asked him if he wanted to continue yesterday's discussion--he said "we both know what to do, but we still have many unanswered questions." I said yes.

So I am planning on giving him a little time and then asking him what he wants to do. We talked and I told him that I do not think he is ready to reconcile....and he said that's what he feels. So I hope to move back into the house and then he can move out or go on a trip which he has invited me on...really not sure if I want to go....of course, Harley does recommend a vacation for the recon couple.

Just in a really protected state, keeping my options open and not getting my hopes up high, but then again not feeling hopeless. Wierd, but I feel in control....

How are you doing? How is your energy level? Have your friends invited you to go anywhere...in groups, of course, at this stage? Anyway, hope you are doing well and thanks for asking. SS

One question you could ask him,
If he does not want to reconcile or work on the marriage right now, why does he want you to go on a trip with him? That would probably be an interesting answer. Maybe he expects you to pay for the whole thing?