</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob- I can only tell you that I was NOT in love with the OM </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see your point, but your affair ended many years ago. How can you tell “I fell out of love” versus “I was never in love”.

BTW, we can say lust is not love, but it sure feels pretty darn good. I would hate the idea of having a wife that has intense lust for the OM and relaxed chronic love for me (the BH). What a dilemma?

Stanley, this is my quote, to lazy I guess to type it all back up.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I used OM to make me feel good about myself, to recognize all my traits that were slipping under the rug to everybody else. I used him, he was an addiction, he could have been anybody at the time, he was nothing special, he was a man who gave me attention at a time when I was feeling really bad about myself and my M.

I believe all WS, will come to that same conclusion with time.

It wasn't love, it was so far from love, it is disgrace to even compare those messed up feelings one has during an A with OP as love.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I firmly believe it is not love!!!!! Maybe just in my case, but I don't think so. Daffy Duck could have been smooth talking me, and I would have fell for it.

The OP, is just a body, instant gratification a big win for a gambler, a line of cocaine for a druggy, a bottle of booze for an alcoholic, nothing special, just somebody stealing your soul.

KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stanley568:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob- I can only tell you that I was NOT in love with the OM </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see your point, but your affair ended many years ago. How can you tell “I fell out of love” versus “I was never in love”.

BTW, we can say lust is not love, but it sure feels pretty darn good. I would hate the idea of having a wife that has intense lust for the OM and relaxed chronic love for me (the BH). What a dilemma? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley-we've had this discussion before, I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Along with what we talked about before (love as a verb) I also think this (and this was stated before by Gimble I think on this thread):

Love cannot be founded in evil. Love cannot be based on deception, dishonesty and pain. True love cannot flourish with those roots.

What are you left with? Lust.

Ok, yes- there was lust on my part, and I suspect lust on your wife's part for her OM. But that does not have anything to do with my feelings (romantically, sexually etc.) NOW. As my first post to Bob said- yes, romantic love CAN be reclaimed/regained.

Stanley, surely the perception of the individual is the correct interpretation when discussing something as esoteric as 'love' ?

I am sure some people believe that affairs are REAL love, better than mature married love, WS only return to the M out of convenience and BS are setting themselves up for a lifetime of being second best to the dream of the OP if they choose to work on the M.

I am certain that is true in many relationships, but many counsellors disagree with that view, not out of convenience to clients but out of years of study.

When a FWS says that they did not experience real love during an A I can only assume that they believe they did not experience what they consider to be 'real love'.

This is supported by a body of research by Harley & Chalmers, Carder, Glass, Subotnick and others I've read.

Takes all kinds I guess !

Bob:

The problem is that perception may be reality for those in the affair even when the perception is wrong.

It is amazing to hear so many WWs including my own wife saying---- “gee it was not real love”. Well------------ this information is coming from a subset of folks who define themselves as women who are highly stimulated by any cunning man who is a smooth talker and says to them what they want to hear. That sort of makes them shallow and places them into the “dreamer Disneyland” category of people. BTW, this also includes highly successful and intelligent MEN like Bill Clinton. So please hold the 2X4s and allow a faithful BH to express himself.

So what is one to believe? The dreamers think they are in love and therefore they jump in bed with OM. BTW, this is a requisite before jumping in bed for many WWs---------- they must convince themselves they are in love. Then the affair is over and they ????? convince themselves they are now falling in love with the BH????

Where is the credibility?

I bet you faithful men or women would not go thru so many hoops to explain who they love and who they don’t love. And I am almost certain that when they love------------- THEY REALLY LOVE! I am sorry, but this is the perspective of those of us who choose to be faithful.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So please hold the 2X4s and allow a faithful BH to express himself.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah, I hold the 2x4, right over your head!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your right, there is no crediability in it. I'm just saying, it WAS NOT LOVE FOR ME!! Does that make me any sleezer than if I was in love with him, I still had sex with the man. Did I think it then, sometimes, for a brief moment, but I'm very rational, and I knew the difference, I knew who I loved and what I wanted. I just chose to let other man fulfill me emotionally, and that led to sex, for him, with him. Crediable, no, not even If I thought I was in love with him.

Stanley, you seem so judgemental, it has to hurt Myrta. I understand human instinct to look at somebody who has done such a thing in a different light, but when do you draw the line. When do you stop labeling people with all of their shortcomings?

completely out of my comfort zone,
KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley, you seem so judgmental, it has to hurt Myrta. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I now I can be harsh and I am sure I hurt Myrta with some of my comments. But----------- it is so hard not to state the obvious. Call it a LB, but when one is looking for answers it is very difficult to hold those questions inside.

BTW, you held the 2x4, but threw me the J word!

Stanley I am a faithful BH too. I knew nothing of the dynamics of affairs before my world exploded june 2004.

I approached my recovery like I would a business problem. Study all the approrpiate references, try to understand the incentives of the protagonists, study references and identify similariies in my own presented problem.

Cold ? Possibly but its never failed me at work, and hasn't failed me yet in THIS the worst tragedy of my life so far.

I have no personally derived opinion as to whether infidels 'love' their partners or not. I only know what I have studied, and study says that in most cases infidels love the fantasy of the affair, and the act played out by the OP.

Many or most FWS on here who share their experiences seem to support the view that the frisson itself was the thing they 'loved' and all but those in exit affairs seem to recognise this after the fact at least.

You point out the weakness that causes WS to have affairs in the first place - the responsiveness to a silver tongues chat up. Well again study tells me that almost anyone can have an affair in the right ( wrong?) circumstances. We are all susceptible to smooth chat when we are vulnerable to it. Those of us who have been devastated by infoedlity may be better able to recognise the slippery slope to an affair, but we are still vulnerable ( in my case if Norah Jones bought me a drink and invted me to sit at her piano while she sang and played * sigh * <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Your proposition appears to be that all WS are weak minded pleasure seekers who may struggle to re-enter their 'old meat' marriage. Again this is not borne out not only by load sof smart folsk who write books but couple after couple on this board.

I am not trying to kid myself it will be OK Stanley. I know we may not recover and I am prepared for that BUT I do believe that if we do stuff right there is every chance we could recover.

I am sorry you do not seem to consider that as a likelihood for you and Myrta. I hope you are wrong, mate. You're good people and deserve another bite at the cherry.
All blessings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BTW, you held the 2x4, but threw me the J word!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See how I am!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Psst Stanley, forgive her.

Bob:

I have read all the literature. I have heard the same words from my wife as well as from other WWs. It still hurts!

I know I am presenting the pessimistic side or trying to be the devil’s advocate. However, perhaps that pessimism may help me understand why this has happened. As for Myrta-------- she is an incredible woman and that is why I have forgiven her. I don’t want any other woman.

I don’t consider those with wayward tendencies to be evil or bad people. However, their actions are hard to swallow by those who have never committed adultery. This is just a statement Bob and I am sure you have a hard time accepting this. We tend to judge others from our own perspective------- it is human nature. In fact, I bet that the overwhelming number of BHs in the board are folks who trusted their wives blindly since they themselves would have never consider adultery. We are at fault for the affair in that we were naïve and too trusting. I NEVER checked a phone bill in 30 years of marriage. If I had been a little cunning I would have known about the affair when it was two weeks in the making. All the evidence was in the cell phone bill!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stanley568:
<strong> As for Myrta-------- she is an incredible woman and that is why I have forgiven her</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you Stanley?

I can't keep up with the posts!!! I hate being at work sometimes, I don't get to play as much!

As far as being in love with the OM. I thought I was in love with him, I even told him I thought so. You know, maybe I was, I don't know. I have a lot, I mean a lotof issues regarding love, acceptance, etc. I think that it comes from an abusive childhood.

I realize though that love is not based on lies and dishonesty, which is what an affair is, right?

I know that I may never have that breathless feeling again, that spark that drives you up the wall and takes over every aspect of your life. What I have though with my husband is much deeper than anything that I can describe. It's a bond that I can't explain but it's a need and want that I have to have, just like air or water.

Would I rather have the spark in lieu of my marriage? No. Would I like that spark with my husband? Of course! Can I ever have it again? I don't know, I certainly hope so but I do have my doubts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Oh well, what can you do?

Bob, I don't have time to read the entire thread, I'm probably going to be redundant but here goes. Your question is can romantic love return on the WS end for the BS and my answer is an unqualified YES. I can positively say that my love for my H is stronger now than it was preA.

We were just were talking over the weekend about if we had found MB before the A; would it have made a difference? He felt that it would not have b/c we were both so efficiently coping with our own lives (entrenched in, really) that the motivation to change on personal and marital levels wouldn't have been there. He felt that we "needed" a trial by fire to get our relationship to the point we are now. This is not to say that we would *choose* the A experience if we could do it over again but I guess we were both a couple of ignoramuses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thank God, we found MB b/c without it we would have remained unaware of the dangers of not placing our marriage as the high priority it should have been. I think we both thought it would just take care of itself, how stupid! At this point it is just a cr*ppy chapter in the book of our lives together, no more or less significant that some of the other cr*ppy things that have happened over the last twenty years. We've both made our peace with it and enjoy our lives together again. Recovered, plain and simple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm happy to hear that your wife is being loving towards you in action but you are hoping for the words as well as deeds. You said that the only ILY came after mindblowing sex which is an early recovery event I can definitely relate to.

In my mind it has to do with deposits in the Love Bank. For me personally, SF is such a high need that I have difficulty relating to my H "romantically" outside the bedroom unless there is an adequate amount of SF. My primary motivation towards the OM was sexual in nature to begin with so given my particular set of ENs I did feel more "romantic" for a time towards the OM. This is just me understand, most women seem to be more emotionally motivated to enter into an affair. My H's deposits into the Love Bank in the SF category went a long way in restoring romantic love on my end. Sounds like you have this one down pat Bob, good for you!

Also,in early recovery for me, it was applying the the Rule of Protection...that is knowing what behaviours made my H unhappy and avoiding those as much as I could was a BIG step in the right direction. At the time H would complain that I was just putting on a "happy face" but in reality that is what I needed to do.

Actions first, feelings follow. As much as he may have distrusted my loving actions in his heart, he could not help but respond to them and a big part of that was SF. The effect upon me was to draw me closer and fostered "romantic" feelings toward him. I don't tend towards overly romantic gestures as a rule but b/c it is more important to H than to me, I try to be mindful of his needs. The Rule of Care)

He was also willing to acknowledge his mistakes and contribution to the state our marriage was in preA, which put the onus on ME to forgive HIM. I have seen you do the same Bob and that is SO IMPORTANT! It is very tempting for a BS to continue to fingerpoint (even if only mentally also) at the obvious even after time has passed but recovery inevitablily suffers. You have been a wonderful example of humility and self examination Bob and I have no doubt that it has impressed your wife even if she doesn't always let you know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy your wife, don't make a bigger deal out of the things you don't have right now, they will come with time if you keep those Love bank deposits coming. I think a lot of backsliding occurs in recovery when deposits are made and then withdrawn b/c the BS gets introspective about the timing or percieved "quality" of recovery. It is so easy to get discouraged but then again, no one ever said that recovery is easy.

Sounds like you're doing well Bob, I haven't been able to keep up here lately at all but I love to see good news. Keep up the good work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

P.S. A quick scan of the last replies shows a question about real love vs. fantasy "love". My answer is if you are doing everything you need to restore love in your marriage RIGHT NOW, then your focus is most likely going to result in REAL LOVE.

STANLEY: Trying to convince a WS in early recovery that the emotions they felt at during an A were false or fantasy or even that they couldn't possibly feel real love for you (the BS) given what they thought or said earlier, is an exercise in futility and annoying to the WS, to boot. You can't tell other people what their feelings are.

How much better to put the focus on becoming the spouse YOU need to be to have a healthy, happy marriage rather than going down a rabbit trail. Most WSs DO come to their senses eventually so give it some time.

Stanley, you seem to have a problem with Mryta coming to her senses right now, would it make you feel better if she was more like me in that she admidts that she went for SF which then led to romantic feelings as opposed to the more popular sentiment about women's motivations for affairs?

I don't have a problem admitting that SF was my motivation as opposed to love but Mryta or other women might...it's not PC and all that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I dunno, not a pretty picture but that's basically your alternative. She appears to be TRYING to move towards you and by quibbling over whether it is possible for her to understand that she may have not been as emotionally invested as she had thought, you appear to be resistant to her efforts.

There is ENOUGH hard work in recovery to begin with, don't clutter it up with quibbling with the WS over how they felt then and now. Work on the NOW, this is your shot. They are going to REALLY get it eventually, (promise!) but it won't happen if YOU are not the one meeting those emotional needs and applying the concepts you have learned on MB. The OP will only linger positively in the WSs mind if you don't do YOUR part.

Stanley--Wayward tendencies?? Please! If we had these tendencies it would be several affairs,not only one.

SadWW---Yes, I am an incredible woman, but he still has not forgiven me!! But he will eventually. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
MYRTA

Heya, Bob,

I used to hang out on here, left for a while, hung out again, left for awhile. Don't think I've posted to you before but I've read your posts several months ago and in the last couple of days. I'd like to join the Bob Pure Fan Club, if you're still accepting members. Your ability to consider all sides while in the midst of great anguish is impressive. The way you balance understanding of and empathy for your wife against your own needs and boundaries is ... stellar. Okay, enough of that, I'd like to respond to your post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


... as recovery progressed feelings of romantic love returned for ST in chunks, which came more often until most of the time now they are the controlling emotion.

I'd say that's a pretty accurate statement. You know, a FWW doesn't wake up one morning and say "I hate my H, I'm in love with OM!" It starts as a friendship with OM, grows, gets out of control, history with H is rewritten. It's a process, not an event.

Well the un-doing of those feelings is similar. A FWW doesn't just wake up and say "I hate OM! I love my H totally and completely!"

For one thing, feelings are slow to evolve, no matter which direction they're heading.

For another thing, she's spent some time recently focusing on your faults and when she sees the changes you've made she doesn't trust them. She's probably afraid that if she "gives in" and loves you, you'll revert to your old self and she'll be hurt and have made an [censored] of herself. Time will prove that your changes are sincere and lasting.

She can;t discuss much about the A yet, but its only six weeks since NC so I'm not impatient. We have discussed teh fact that when she is strong enough we must discuss this stuff for both our sakes.

See? This is what I meant about your ability to empathize without losing your dignity. You maintain boundaries while lovingly allowing her what she needs, even when they are seemingly at odds with one another.

Thing is, FWW is behaving very lovingly and affectionately to me for the most part but has only said 'ILY' once

Have you asked her about this? Just ask her in an "I'm curious" way. She may not feel like she loves you yet. She may feel like she loves you but be afraid to trust her own feelings. She may love you and want to tell you but feel like she has no right, like those words hold no weight coming from her. Only she knows why she's not telling you, so ask her. I know you can do it in a non-blaming, non-judgmental way.

Also she still hans't destroyed the love letters/soppy CD etc that OM sent her either.
As you can see from my signature, I've been on both sides of the infidelity fence <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It took my H a *long* time to get rid of gifts, emails, etc. I don't know why, I didn't ask him about it. I just kind of figured they'd go when they went. It took months. At first I don't think he was ready to get rid of the things because he wasn't ready for the finality of it. NC was as much as he could handle. Then later on, when he really didn't care so much about her, I don't think he really thought about them one way or the other. It simply didn't occur to him that they were important enough to get rid of, if you see what I mean.

I got rid of EVERYTHING related to OM on D-day when I told my H we'd broken off our friendship -"everything" was some emails, a couple of CDs. I knew it would be hard to toss them but I knew in the long run it would be best. BUT I kept one music file. I wanted just one thing to remind me, well, not of OM exactly but of how good I felt about myself due to the way he treated me. That I was, at one time, considered special by someone.

If I had to guess, I'd guess that your W is currently holding on to mementos for a variety of reasons:
They are a reminder of how good he made her feel about herself.
She doesn't yet trust that she can be forgiven, and safe, and that the M will work out, so she's keeping them as an emotional safety net. I'm not saying she's thinking OM is a safety net, just that she's feeling like such a failure, relationship-wise, that having those things around reminds her that it's possible someone will find her valuable. Yes, it's warped and distorted, but it's the way I thought at one time. Kind of "Oh, I've screwed up so badly, can any of this ever be put right? Will H ever really love me like I want him to?" followed by "Well, someone made me feel special so maybe I'm not a total loss." It's kind of a sick salve for the guilt and pain and self-loathing. It's not the OM that's important, it's feeling better about herself that's important.

Eventually I realized that my feelings of fear and guilt weren't as important as the disrespect I was demonstrating to my H by holding on to memories of feelings. That took a long, long time though. Almost a year. Please take heart that during that year I wasn't pining for OM. I was having a hard time trusting the recovery of our M. But then, H never bought in to the whole notion of "recovering" from an affair. There was a lot of sweeping things under the rug which didn't help me feel secure. He also didn't bother to learn about LBs and he can really dish those out sometimes so I was dealing with that, too. To me, a LB (disrespect, angry outburst) equals lack of caring equals I'm not safe. Somehow I think your wife is going to feel safer in your M than I have in mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I have told her, gently but firmly that I cannot be truly happy with the progress of our Recovery until those triggers are destoyed. She has not responded yet.

She will, in her own time. She really will. And, if she doesn't toss these things after three months or so, another gentle reminder might be in order. You don't want her to feel pressured into getting rid of them, because she'll only resent you for that. However if you bite your tongue forever she may well forget all about those triggers. Once they're not important to her, she'll assume they're not important to you unless you remind her differently. That's just how humans work. We assume that our needs, desires, and hopes are our spouses needs, desires, and hopes. And it gets us into a mess sometimes, doesn't it!

I still feel a little like the 'last chicken in the shop', a second choice to OM.

I can understand why you would feel that way. Try to remember, your W didn't have only two choices, you or OM. She could also have chosen to leave both of you. It would have been easier in the short run to get a clean start, to not have to own up to the hurt she's caused you, to admit that you can and have changed for the better. She's having to admit to herself that so much of what she believed was simply not so. OM was not so wonderful. You are not so bad. It can be a tough pill to swallow.

She's actually chosen the more difficult path. Don't ever think you are second best. She could have taken the easy way out and left it ALL behind her.

Can I expect loving words to follow loving deeds soon or are there other reasons for her not to verbalise her returing love for me?

I can't answer that one, but I'd expect if she's able to satisfy your curiosity about why she doesn't say ILY, you'll know the answer to this question.

((( knewbetter )))

What a fantastic post.

Pep

BOBPURE-STANLEY.ETC.ETC.
While the affair is going on, we really think we are in love. Remember all those months before of smooth talk, of romantic e-mails, of course the fog gets really thick by the time you get into the PA, and you are too involved to know whats real whats not.
After a couple of months of the end of the affair, you start seeing things very clearly again. You know that love is what you feel for your husband or wife. But that does not mean, that you are completely receptive and in tune with your spouse. You still have all that guilt, and shame that does not let you receive all those important "love units", we are still resistant. But , in my case, it is getting better as days , weeks pass. But of course, my husband wants the pre-affair wife ASAP. He has not patience.

MYRTA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Stanley--Wayward tendencies?? Please! If we had these tendencies it would be several affairs,not only one.

SadWW---Yes, I am an incredible woman, but he still has not forgiven me!! But he will eventually. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
MYRTA

Knewbetter
I really appreciate you taking the time for your comprehensive reply to me !

At this point it is just a cr*ppy chapter in the book of our lives together, no more or less significant that some of the other cr*ppy things that have happened over the last twenty years. We've both made our peace with it and enjoy our lives together again. Recovered, plain and simple.

That is the absolute and ultimate DREAM status I have for my FWW and I some time in the future. You are blessed and fortunate.

I took my wedding ring off on D-day. I consodered she needed to ask me to put it on again. After a few weeks and a post on here by Ktulu I put it back on while FWW was still deep in fog. She noticed almost immediately and asked why I had put it back on.

I replied " I promised to love you for better and worse. This is a worse time but does not invalidate my oath or my love".

FWW dashed off to the bedroom and cried for a while. She was still mean as a snake when she came out but I am sure that touched her. You have LIVED This. In the best recoveries an Affair is just a 'worst' time that loving examining spouses can use to improve stuff.

I say again you have verbalised my highest aspiration for us. Thank you !

My H's deposits into the Love Bank in the SF category went a long way in restoring romantic love on my end. Sounds like you have this one down pat Bob, good for you!
In a wierd way my FWW seems to appreciate my SF efforts more than ever. We were virgins when we met and FWWS affaoir is the forst foray out of our M to sex with other people. Now according to both OM GF and my FWWin fog OM was no leviathan NOR skilled in the sack. Now I still have no point of comparison but my FWW can't get enough of me now. I can only assume the OM as "fruit of the tree of good and evil" was small and unsatisfying * ahem *

I don't mind. I have always loved long teasing lovemaking with my FWW. That she instigates it now is a lovely change. It is nice to feel desired and appreciated in SF. I am blessed that my initial feelings of physical disgust towards my FWW have largely disspated. She is so lovely to me though that I can;t think of that short old twat when I have her naked and desiring in my arms. And yes, you're right, my FWW seems to really appreciate good, loving SF as she is very loving afterwards. I can cope with that ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Finally KB you are right again - when I tearfully apologised for some of the dumb things I did to contribute to our generally poor marriage pre-A, FWW responded by holding me and crying, then kissing me, then stripping me and having very passionate SF in the TV room * ahem*. I can only assume my apology met her approval.

Thanks again for this reply. It helps more than you will ever know to see working references amist this mess.

Turtlehead

This thread has certainly produced some insightful posts !

The insight of a recovered FWW is salve to me, thanks.

The only thing I would say is that my supposed empathy for my FWW during a time of anguish is not so noble on my part. I can't help it. I have an unshakeable, God given love for the girl. I love her no less today than on our wedding day 18 years ago.

I could no more ignore her feelings than I could my own.

I love her TH,more than she has hurt me.

I have deconstructed my feelings over this disaster - maybe a first for me ( I am not the 'emotional examining' kind of bloke. More of a viking than a poet I'm afraid!). I have found some very strange things:

The main one is : now I do not NEED my FWW ( I have regained some independence of her for the forst time in many many years) I am released to love her PROPERLY. Does that make any sense?

I don't HAVE to be here and in a cr@ppy M if I don't want to. But I CHOOSE to and I am massively empowered by that.

I have no intention of leaving until every effort at reconciliation has failed AND I have every hope that we will recover our M but the realization that I am notinexorably tied to her is liberating. I am free to CHOOSE to love her, not bound by mores and guilt so to do.

Bizarre, maybe another blessing.

Finally I never dreamed even 6 weks ago that we would ever be in our current sitation: a gentle, loving relationship with every hope of recovery. After the all out warfare of Plan A, exposure, fog babble and all that terrible stuff we seem to have 'earned' a peaceful negotiating place.

God is good ain't he ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 04:23 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>