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Worthatry and CarenMc,
You are both correct, I just felt much better with the responses from TMCM and GC...
Thanks!
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WU, why are you even talking to the OM? I thought you were trying to recover your marriage? What have I missed here and why in the world are you talking to him AT ALL?
Does your H know you are still actively in an affair? And why would you continue to hurt him like that?
You should NEVER EVER speak to or see the OM again. This is real easy; real cut and dry.
If he calls, hang up on him. In the meantime, I would suggest telling your H and then sending the OM a letter similar to this:
Sample NC letters
#1
(OP),
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife/husband, I have come to realize that I do not want to have any further contact with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that _______ (BS) did not deserve.
While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her/him, I will do my best to become the husband/wife she/he’s been missing. I love her/him deeply and I do not want to do anything to risk her/his future happiness.
I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to continue to try and make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to permanently end our relationship.
Sincerely,
#2
To (OP):
I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with (BS).
To protect her/him, I have decided to break off all contact with you. This decision - not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required in public - is permanent and not subject to change.
I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me other than as required to maintain a polite relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate anything other than accidental contact with me, and I will notify BS immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert her/him to any effort made to initiate additional interaction.
I have been completely honest with BS about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between BS and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.
I hope that this letter makes clear my position.
#3
Dear OP,
I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and I must come to an end immediately. If _____ (BS) and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.
It certainly isn't anything personal, but I'm sure that you can understand my position on the issue and if you were in my shoes that you would feel exactly the same as I do.
I love BS and she/he deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.
I wish you well in life, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
#4
To OP:
____ (BS) has been tremendously hurt as a result of my decisions. Because of the pain that I have caused in exceeding the bounds of what was once a friendship, I am choosing now to cease all forms of communication with you.
It is something that I should have done prior to this, but I failed to. I love ____ (BS). She/He is very important to me and I'm sure you will understand that my relationship with her/him is now my number one priority.
Sincerely,
#5
To (OP):
I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband/wife is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him/her and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together.
To protect him/her, I have decided to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to both of our families. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify __ (BS) immediately.
I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband/wife about everything. He/She knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust.
Sincerely,
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MelodyLane,
OM moved after D day. Because of H's reaction to A, I said it was over. During seperation from OM, I realized I want it over. A is EA, Not PA now and has been since OM left. As I previously posted I have broken the A 3-4 times and OM has been able to contact me thru work via phone and mutual friends at work. However, TOMORROW, is my last day at work, the corporation I work for is closing this location. No more contact with OM via phone or friends...My prayer partner isn't sure OM will believe NC letter or me telling him it's over, thinks I may have to have IC tell him...
Tangled web of lies. I was really trying to keep things calm on D-day.
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I gotcha! Thanks for the explanation.
I would just suggest that it really doesn't matter if the OM believes it or not. What matters is what you believe and what you do. If you demonstrate to him that you are done by hanging up on him when he calls, then he will believe you pretty quickly and quit calling.
Are you keeping your H informed about these calls?
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MelodyLane, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you keeping your H informed about these calls? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, goes hand in hand with not feeling safe, what do you think he would do if he knew there was still contact?? This A lasted 6 years..I was very emotionally involved. The exposure helped me see things more clearly, I want out, but it has been a long process...alot of guilt..
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up: <strong> MelodyLane, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you keeping your H informed about these calls? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, goes hand in hand with not feeling safe, what do you think he would do if he knew there was still contact?? This A lasted 6 years..I was very emotionally involved. The exposure helped me see things more clearly, I want out, but it has been a long process...alot of guilt.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I see, so you keep carrying on an affair and lying to him because "you are afraid." If you are that afraid, wouldn't the logical step be to END THE AFFAIR? I believe you are using your fear to justify the continued betrayal of your H. Do you not think that your H will feel DOUBLY betrayed when he finds out the lies and deciet and the adultery continued beyond D-Day? <small>[ October 28, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">]NO, goes hand in hand with not feeling safe, what do you think he would do if he knew there was still contact??
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you think he will do when he finds you have continued to lie to him after you shattered his life with this continued betrayal?
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WU,
The OM's comments are scary at the very least. He is asking you to choose between your family and him. His questions to you are an attempt to get control over you. What other horrible things he has in store for you and against your family are waiting to be seen if you continue contact with him.
I recommend you seek counsel on getting an RO against this OM. If the guy wants you to 'love him' more than your family, then he doesn't love you. He wants to selfishly control you. Keep you in a mental, emotional and maybe later physical bondage.
Scary. Very scary. Remove yourself from that R immediately and be prepared for a backlash. Get your support group in place and work with professionals for help. Do not communicate without another party present.
Watch out for your back. Sorry for the scare tactic but your posts screams of abuse in the making.
be careful.
L.
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ML </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you are that afraid, wouldn't the logical step be to END THE AFFAIR? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that is what this whole thread was about, me wanting to and ending the A. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you think he will do when he finds you have continued to lie to him after you shattered his life with this continued betrayal? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point I have no idea. But there has been much lying on both sides. Notice the FWH on my signature, I just found out about his A's a few months ago. I appreciate what you are trying to do.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up: <strong> ML </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you are that afraid, wouldn't the logical step be to END THE AFFAIR? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that is what this whole thread was about, me wanting to and ending the A. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you think he will do when he finds you have continued to lie to him after you shattered his life with this continued betrayal? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point I have no idea. But there has been much lying on both sides. Notice the FWH on my signature, I just found out about his A's a few months ago. I appreciate what you are trying to do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WU, but your only concern is YOUR lying. All the lying in the world will not justify a single lie from you. There is no "out" for lying and cheating in the Bible, we are responsible for our own behavior no matter how many others do it. So when do you plan on ending the affair? And when do you plan on telling your H that the affair did not end as he probably thinks?
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