PS...there will be no face to face contact when I drop his stuff off...merely will be making a delivery to his doorstep.

kjb23 - Might be time for Plan B. You can do that until the D is final. Let OW meet all of his needs.

KJB...

And Tree and Ivy and maddy and lordslady and whatamidoing and believer and other betrayed wives...

You are beautiful women, fantastic and fine. Some of you are close to my age, and given the chance I'd join you out somewhere for beer and oysters any time...

I'm totally sober, but I feel safe saying you all give me all kinds of hope. I have myself a W who I love, but who has tossed me aside for a little mealy-mouthed [censored]. You're mixed up with a bunch of mealy-mouthed [censored] that some of you still love despite their repeated wankerism.

Good for you. When you give somebody that gift, and they accept it, don't let it be diminished just because they decided to flake out and reject it.

You may not have been perfect, but these knuckleheads looking for a perfect partner are going to be disappointed over and over again.

Hats off to you all.

KJB, what is it again that you sell?

GC

GC...nice terminology...never heard of a wankster but it sounds about right! Anytime you are in San Diego, give me a holler and I'll drink a beer and whine about all the wanksters in the world with ya.

BUT always remember, there are a bunch of wonderful, non wanksters in this world. Last weekend, I volunteered at a race benefiting the Challenged Athletes Foundation. Seeing all the amputees and physically challenged athletes put whole heart into finishing each leg of the 1/2 Ironman triathlon was truly inspiring. And joining all the other non-wanksters in helping these awesome athletes made me smile...there are good people in this world!

And I believe our WS's are truly good people at heart yet are holding this guard up which is preventing them from making good choices in life. I am not the type who easily gives up on a person...which is why I haven't given up on my WH despite being treated like dirt this past year. I have seen his good side and still believe that good may shine through again. My marriage journey seems to be ending because of bad choices made by WH but that won't change my positive outlook on life, including potential relationships I may enter in the future if my WH does not come home.

-K

PS...I am a sports nutritionist/registered dietitian in private practice. I don't sell product, rather do a lot of educating through counseling, presentations, writing, etc. I did help develop a new sports drink that was launched a couple weeks ago though ( : It is a big business step cuz I have part ownership in the company.

Thanks GC! I think you hit it right on the mark! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K,
I can't wait until we are able to get together around the holidays. It should be a lot of fun.

It's funny, my STBX's b-day is next week and I've been trying to figure out if I should send him a card or just to let the day pass as if it didn't matter to me anymore. The other day I was at the store and saw one of those fleece pullovers and I almost went to look at it. Every year I would buy him a new pullover in attempt to find one that he really liked (I bought him one years ago that he loved that was stolen during a trip to visit my family). I went over to the section without even thinking of it and I thought about getting it for him for his b-day but I decided against it.

Anyway, when you do come up I'll try not to talk about him endlessly. He's really into sports nutrition and spoke to me about nothing else for the last few months we were together. Sports nutrition and excersize. He pictures himself to be this great athlete and was always down on me about my diet and lack of excersize. Anyway, I hope to hear from you so that we can plan a girl's night out or something. Go check out the new hotspots in DT Naperville.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

E-mail me so we can set something up.

-M

My ex-husband and I used mediation for our divorce. But, the mediator was neutral to both of us. In addition, the mediator told us that we each needed to get our own attorney to review the final mediation agreement. That way, there was a final review for each of us in terms of our own personal interests being protected.

Can anyone give me Plan B advice when divorce papers are being filed (haven't been yet but will be soon by WH)....In Cali, it takes 6 months for anything to be finalized.

Just would like input on how you handled the following:

-Phone calls by WS
-E-mails WS
-Request for meetings with WS
-Misc interactions

WH and I would like to be friends when all is said and done...of course, I don't want the divorce to go down as I think we could become a stronger couple because of this experience. I know that I have grown immensely as a wife, a person, a friend, etc. throughout this whole mess. I have learned and practiced things I know will make me a better wife, more balanced person in the future. And I am sure my WH has reflected a lot on what has happened too. I think the papers are being filed for the wrong reasons...personal unhappiness by WH. There is no animosity between the 2 of us although I am still shell shocked and disappointed that WH betrayed me.

Right now I am trying to focus on the good in my life (which used to include WH)...
-Friends and family
-My health
-Business
-Athletics
-Life moments...looking into buying a condo with a friend.

I still go through emotional outbursts where I feel in complete disbelief where this past year has taken me. I cannot lie...I miss my WH immensely, even if it is just as a friend....wonder if he misses me at all. He did ask me the simple question of how I was doing and briefly told me what was going on in his life the other day...hadn't really don't that since prior to d-day. I so much want to just hang out and see where time takes us but he seems unwilling to show face to me. He can be nice via e-mail, be nice via phone but seems to avoid face to face contact as he said and I quote..."don't think that would be a good idea...it would be too hard for the 2 of us right now." It is like we are throwing away a friendship, a marriage despite a deep connection that still exists...is this just a sign of fear? Is he afraid he'll hurt me again?

So I guess I would like input on how I should be handling my interaction with WH while attempting this whole Plan B.

Thanks for any input you can give me.

-K

ME: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
His Affair: 4 months last fall, supposively ended 1/04; new affair with unknown timeline has begun
D-Day: May 22nd, 2004; he immediately left me without giving me time to respond...minimal contact since this time. I was in Plan A, staying true to myself, my role as wife through the end of October. Just started Plan B after learning of WH's intent to file.

Here I go again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Just go this e-mail from the mediator...

I just wanted to touch base with you and update you on where we are at. I am going to get together with WH today to go over paper work and details. And was hoping to set up a time maybe next week for you and I to get togther and do the same thing. Would that work for you? If so, what does your schedule look like. Maybe Wednesday? I am pretty flexible (other than Tuesday) so you tell me what would work best for you and your schedule.
Let me know. Hope all is well -
-Mediator

Kind of ironic...how could all be well in this mess of a situation...it is not like we are going to chat about something happy, that I am looking forward to.

I am so sick of crying.

More irony...

am going to meet this mediator at the same place, same time, same day my WH and I had our first kiss nearly 5 years ago. Fate lead us together and now we are parting for reasons I'll never understand <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So I wonder how WH is really going to feel on his b-day this year. Last year, I threw him a 30th b-day party at the local of our first date and this year he will be celebrating by:

-Meeting with a mediator about divorce papers
-Coming home from work with a box of leftover stuff from the home he used to share with his loving wife laying at his doorstep.

Perhaps the only good thing will be my little card/gift if he actually goes through the box which could be doubtful!

kjb,

This is a terrible time for you and I know what you are feeling since I am in the same stage of D. Yes, I know that hurts to read the D word but you are going to have to accept what your WS's actions are telling you. You can deny, rationalize or spin anything he says or does as a sign of hope or progress. I've been there and done that.....still doin' it but a much lesser degree.

You mentioned the time, date etc of your first kiss..can you also tell us about your previous boyfriend? Do you remember the feelings you had for him? Weren't they a lot of the same qualities that you talk about your WS has. I guess my point is , yes almost to a person on this board we were all probably in love with someone else previously and when that love faded, left, or walked away, did not life go on??? I am not asking you to deny those feelings but to acknowledge that you had a loving, caring history before you met WS. AND I am sure you will again( I know those words are incomprehensible to you right now and you don't even want to read them on this forum).

You are obviously a person of substance( you own your own business), I am sure you are in fantastic shape with your training and I have seen your photo. So tell me, are you sure there is only one man in this whole wide world that can love you like you deserve to be loved.

PS: We don't know everything about you but I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that you intimidated the hell out of your husband. Unfortunately men can be intimidated by succesful women , it has a tendency to magnify our own feelings of inadequacy and failure.


I hope this helps. Focus on your positives!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong> kjb,

This is a terrible time for you and I know what you are feeling since I am in the same stage of D. Yes, I know that hurts to read the D word but you are going to have to accept what your WS's actions are telling you. You can deny, rationalize or spin anything he says or does as a sign of hope or progress. I've been there and done that.....still doin' it but a much lesser degree.

You mentioned the time, date etc of your first kiss..can you also tell us about your previous boyfriend? Do you remember the feelings you had for him? Weren't they a lot of the same qualities that you talk about your WS has. I guess my point is , yes almost to a person on this board we were all probably in love with someone else previously and when that love faded, left, or walked away, did not life go on??? I am not asking you to deny those feelings but to acknowledge that you had a loving, caring history before you met WS. AND I am sure you will again( I know those words are incomprehensible to you right now and you don't even want to read them on this forum).

You are obviously a person of substance( you own your own business), I am sure you are in fantastic shape with your training and I have seen your photo. So tell me, are you sure there is only one man in this whole wide world that can love you like you deserve to be loved.

PS: We don't know everything about you but I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that you intimidated the hell out of your husband. Unfortunately men can be intimidated by succesful women , it has a tendency to magnify our own feelings of inadequacy and failure.


I hope this helps. Focus on your positives!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very wise words spoken above. It is the thoughts of above that help me to relaize that my future will be bright.

Thanks guys...I actually have never loved a man prior to WH. Yes, I have dated in the past but I don't remember the details of these past relationships because they were more infactuation based rather than based on love. WH is the first man I have "made love" with; yes, I know, it took me 23 years. I just have never been the type that pours my heart and soul out to a man unless I truly feel love. Obviously, too many in this world take love for granted because there is way too many people in the same situation I find myself in right now. I used to believe in "one true love" but if that is true, the future is pretty depressing to think about. I have met many wonderful men who treat me like gold so perhaps there will be an opportunity when I am ready to test love again. It is just hard to swallow throwing 5 years of wonderful memories with my WH away; I am still close friends with previous boyfriends but I am not sure WH will ever feel the same around me after the hurt and pain he has inflicted upon me. And yes, I am self sufficient, successful, athletic, and have a wonderful group of friends and family that I can confide in anytime. I know all these attributes will allow me to go far in life....just want my WH or perhaps someone else to share these life moments with in a more intimate fashion. I have typical feelings of anyone who has been hurt, rejected: fear, anger, sadness, lonliness, self-doubt. It kills me that I even feel all this because I have never been that sad, depressed person...rather a happy go lucky kind of gal whose life was just falling perfectly into place. I guess I just have to go with the flow, conquer this ugly obstacle in life, and look towards the sun once again.

Happy trails,

-K

So I dropped off a box of my WH's stuff along with a sentimental card along with the message stated earlier in this thread. I also enclosed a cd along with a picture of us from our wedding and the following poem:

MOMENTS IN LIFE

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

Don't count the years - count the memories...S, I wish you all the happiness in the world. Happy Birthday. Love, K

I wanted to make sure he got his stuff ok since I just left it at his doorstep so I e-mailed him about it. He is starting to be more mature in his responses to me...this is what he just e-mailed me:

Hey K,

Ya, I got the stuff you left. Thanks for packing it up and dropping it off. Thanks for the card as well. Where are you buying a place? My mom mentioned something about it, but didn't really give me any details. Owning a place here is tough, but once you get into the market, you are all good. Congratulations!! Hope all is going well with your training and business. I met with M (mediator) to go over the paperwork tonight, and I guess you two are meeting sometime next week from what she says.

Well, need to go get my laundry and fold..ug!

Take care,
-S

Thoughts???? I am in Plan B....what do I need to be doing with these kind of e-mails? Of course I just want to at least try to be friends for now...not sure if this is a good idea or not.

Thanks,

-K

KJB, you are not in plan B, sista.

In plan B you do not give cards and notes to each other. You give him nothing, and you avoid and reject anything he gives, short of an overture to return.

I think with plan B you need to be prepared to not part as friends. I told my W when I went to plan B, that I would have nothing to do with her. She said, "Ever?" And ever is exactly what I plan on if she doesn't come back. I won't accept her in my life as a friend. Not a chance. I give my friendship to people who deserve it, not people who betray and reject me. That's not a spiteful decision, it's just common sense. How can I be friends with a person I cannot trust or respect?

GC

Thanks GC...I just couldn't drop off his stuff on his doorstep without leaving some form of note and I am not very good about being negligent with his b-day being on Saturday. No, I am not happy about his actions but what makes me feel good is staying true to myself and as I told WH...when I married him, I vowed to make him happy. He seemingly thinks this divorce is the pathway to happiness so that is where I want him headed despite the hurtful actions he has inflicted upon me this past year. Anything can happen these next 6 months before the divorce is finalized and I plan on moving on with my life, focusing on positive, which includes investing in a new home. If WH decides he wants to talk, I will sit and listen to what he has to say as I still do not desire this divorce and do not truly believe this path is the direction towards the euphoric happiness we both have experienced in the past.

TGIF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-K

Bump...see new thread of mine.