Long story short, H was home for a long weekend last week...I thought it would be a good time to tell him about the A as we would have 4 days to 'talk' about it...well, told him Thursday evening.
His reaction was disbelief at first, then anger, then he left...came back late that night..drunk, more angry, and out for blood. He was yelling at me, I was crying, apologizing..He demanded to know where/who the om was so he could go kill him (his words), I told him (truthfully) that om lives a few states away, killing him this night isn't an option. Said to him...Why don't we just take some time to cool off and we'll talk some more tomorrow?...well his reaction to that was to hurl his bottle of beer at my head..hit right above the eye..drew blood. Me standing there in disbelief at the blood all over my face and hands. He walks out muttering something like, you deserve it. (I wonder at this point how many people reading this are thinking the same thing?)..

Anyway, he came back the next day..wouldn't talk to me..packed his stuff to go on the road and left...

Haven't heard from him since...The end

He did tell me he didn't want to know..guess he meant it..

dreamcatcher

YOU DID NOT / DO NOT DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT!!!!!!

how are you?? what can i do for you? please post more!!!

You do NOT deserve to have a beer bottle thrown at you- no matter what.

I'm sorry, I don't know your whole story- but I did just have to jump in here to tell you that do NOT think you DESERVED to be physically hurt b/c of your A.

Thanks ladies..I know I didn't 'deserve' it..he was angry and drunk and he did ask me the next day before he left if I was ok. Said he 'didn't mean' for it to hit me, just wanted to throw it off the wall and missed I guess. He's never ever physically hurt me before, so I do believe him. He just won't talk to me now, answers the phone when I call and says if it's not an emergency about the kids, he can't talk. He's shut down on me and I don't know what to do to get him to talk. If he wants me to grovel and beg him,,,not gonna happen..sorry.

Ironically, this past week is the first time that OM has been on my mind at all for the last few months. Came close to calling him the other day..didn't know why or what I would have said though so I didn't.

Thanks for your concern..I'm ok and will be fine I'm sure.

Your H is abusive, no wonder you had an affair. What he did was wrong-period.

I know he is hurt, but you do NOT deserve to be treated like that. People make mistakes, you were trying to talk to him. If he's so perfect he wouldn't have thrown that bottle at you nor would he have stormed out to drink. All very immature ways to handle this.

I am so sorry. My H had an affair, but I NEVER even raised my voice. What is the point? You were trying to make it right with him and he totally freaked out. That was plain abuse. Has he ever been violent before? If so, go to a battered women's shelter for help. He went nuts. I am afraid for you. If he won't be civil, you may need to be in plan b yourself.

I am so sorry. Life is so tough, we all just need a little help to get thru. I know men react with anger, but if this is how he is going to treat you, you are better off without him-and I am a very promarriage person, but what he did to you last night was just as wrong.

I am sorry.

i'm glad he asked if you were ok but i still say he has no business letting his anger get the best of him like that.

so lets talk about you... you say you wish you had not told him... is that really true???

if so, think more about why you told him then, what was your goal? i know what mine were, some were about the marriage, some were about me, the kind of person i wanted to be. at the end of the day dreamcatcher, you decide who you are and what you are about. you should be proud of yourself for being honest.

what do you think??

I told him because the guilt was eating at me..I want to be right with God and even though I know He forgives me, I wanted H to forgive me too. Had to tell him before that could happen though...didn't turn out quite like I had planned. I don't know FL, I don't feel any better since my confession, actually I feel more empty than ever. My soul feels dark again, not much differently than it did while in the A and during the time when I was in withdrawal. It just feels dark.

Oh, and after all the drama, my kids now know about it too...lovely...

Don't second guess your decision to tell H and don't own his decision to leave you. Let him greif, it is too early to tell if your M might make it.

However you should avoid to have contact w/ OM at any cost if you still wanting to recover your M.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (I wonder at this point how many people reading this are thinking the same thing?).. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NONE!!! Not a single one chere.

Has your husband ever been physical in the past??? I want this to remind people when they tell them to reveal affairs....that they ask if the BS is violent or not. This is a sad reminder of what can happen. I'm so sorry.

DC...this is the beginning....not the end. My guess is he will want to talk again....and my advice is ONLY if you can be SAFE.

((((((((((((((((((dc))))))))))))))))

((((((DREAMCATCHER)))))))

M'dear - you did the exact right thing in telling your h. His reaction and withdrawl from you are HIS issues right now. Do not take them upon yourself. Yes, you did something wrong, yes, you greive for the pain you've caused - but you never deserved to be lashed out at in that manner. Hon...stay safe. We're pulling for you and your m (if that's what you want).

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
<strong>Oh, and after all the drama, my kids now know about it too...lovely... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People made mistake ... you have shown them that you are a very brave and courageous mom. They might not understand it right now but they will appreciate it later.

Please find a support, family member or same sex freinds. Also you might want to get AD. You need to have clear head and healthy body.

Read and learn more about MB, the basic concepts.

Leave it to HIM ... if he is not back he would miss the blessing from HIM.

-rh-

I just wanted to let ya all know that I'm not worried about him getting physical with me again..he's never been physically abusive...as a matter of fact he's been great to me for the last year or so (before that, we (obviously) had a troubled marriage, towards the end of my A he sort of did his own version of plan A and has been loving and considerate ever since)...I think he just didn't see this coming and lost it.
He's usually home on Friday afternoon, if he comes home as usual we ARE going to talk..I just need to know if he's willing to work on this or just wants out, he's giving me no clue so far...but it doesn't look promising...

Just curious...why won't you "grovel and beg"?

My husband did and even though I'm still not sure I'm staying in this marriage, I wouldn't of even considered it unless he begged.

Seems a little hard as* to say (on your part).

Maybe we have a different definition of begging??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
<strong>Oh, and after all the drama, my kids now know about it too...lovely... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People made mistake ... you have shown them that you are a very brave and courageous mom. They might not understand it right now but they will appreciate it later. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night I was discussing this very topic with my W. I applaud your bravery!!! My mother had an A when I was 10-12 years old and she never told my Step dad, infact she used to take me with her so she had an excuse to spend time with OM. Nevermind the moral deprevity of exposing me to the A and conditioning me to think that A's were okay if you were not happy with your spouse. I was just telling my W that if my mom had told my Stepdad about her A yes my stepdad may have left but chances are he would have returned after cooling off. If you give it time I'm sure your H will want to at least attempt to work things out. My mom has been in an unhappy marriage with my stepdad for over 30 years and mostly its here own fault. The way I see it if she had told my stepdad she was having an A eventually they would have gotten to WHY she was having an A. My stepdad would have had to decide to either stay or become a more attentive H to my mom. Al Bundy is funny to watch but Al Bundy doesn't know he's a lousy H he thinks its acceptable. We have to give our mates the opportutnities to be better spouses even if it means we might lose them. We deserve to be happy and they deserve to be treated with honesty and protection.

Just my 2 cents.

And no you didn't deserve to be hit, now stormed out on I can understand, but he could have seriously hurt you and I'm sure he would have never forgiven himself!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the comments about my kids...I talked to both of them and although I think they are both (justifiably)sp? disappointed in me..they still love me (so they say)..actually my 19 year old son was more pissed at his Dad for hurting me. I told him that we never know how we're going to react to things like that, and I know his dad didn't mean to hurt me...D misses dad and is worried he won't come home..told me that it would be my fault if he didn't and she would be leaving with him if she had to choose...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh, and after all the drama, my kids now know about it too...lovely... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well that kinda explains your feelings, doesn't it?? i'm sorry they had to find out, what are their ages again, i am thinking they are on the younger side like mine, certainly not adults yet, why is it that they had to learn the details?

i'm not sure if you saw that i had a complete confession occur this past tuesday. i had so many post saying way to go, but i didn't feel i deserved that message, but you know what, i do and so do you. you are choosing what kind of person you want to be dreamcatcher and you are choosing to be a person you are proud of, in time i am sure you will feel that too.

it's not over dreamcatcher, just beginning really. now you can start to see just where your marriage can go, now that you are on the same page. you know those men, they need their space, just keep on with your life until he is ready to come out of his hole.

KEEP POSTING DreamCatcher, if it helps that is!!! you cross my mind a lot, ever since i first came here. hopefully posting will help you.

dc:

"I just need to know if he's willing to work on this or just wants out, he's giving me no clue so far...but it doesn't look promising..."

I doubt very much that he has a clue himself. I would suggest that you not ask him this at all. Back up a bit, let him ask his 2uestions if he needs 2, and try not 2 LB yourself when you answer. Don't get drawn in2 an argument. Stay on the high ground. Point out 2 him that you ended the A some time ago, and why you decided 2 tell him now.

This will take time. He'll need time (and help) pulling himself 2gether emotionally.

As for begging and grovelling. Not very attractive. Don't do that. just be REAL.

-ol' 2long

Hmm,
Here is a man who has no history of abuse, but you guys are stabbing him through the heart, and driving the stakes to the ground, ready to crucify him. You say this is all his issue...hmm, a man with no history of abuse, gets bombed with news of an affair, and throws a bottle at his offending wife. Is intoxicated to boot....well, he also states he wants to go kill the OM... does this sound 'sane' to you guys. Before this guy is crucified, perhaps we should give him the benefit of a temporary insanity plea. Nothing, nothing is worse than someone in recovery having a new bomb dropped on them 1-2 years down the road. Perhaps he noticed his wife was distancing from him a year ago (and started his plan a), but now, when he is feeling that things were worked out...she drops this bomb on him of having had an affair.

I don't know guys. He was wrong to throw a bottle, I don't condone that. However, had wife dropped the bomb on me out of the blue like that...who knows, most of us have suspicions by the actual dday. I know I STILL don't know how I will react the first time I see OM...so far God has protected me from that.

I find it very very interesting that you wouldn't beg your husband to stay with you. I'm guessing you just mean more in general by that statement not suscepting yourself to 'any and all' demands he might place on you. Of course, well, you still have to actually live that decision, well see with what his response is, which seems to be a pretty solid sounding plan b so far.

"you're H's abusive so no wonder you had an A". Sorry New Jersey this doesn't cut it.

Dreamcatcher of course you didn't deserve this. But if H's history is impeccable than suggest you don't brand him as abusive. You don't consider yourself a whore, right? I'm not trying to pick at scabs but I've been there and understand H's reaction. Not justified but understandable. Before I became so empathetic around here I knocked the bedroom doors open with a kick in a drunken rage one week after d-day. Nothing like this has happened before or since.

And while I wouldn't suggest you beg and grovel please be as patient as you can with your H if you want to save your M. Please understand I'm not justifying the bottle incident but put it in context.

WOE

for those that don't know dreamcatchers scenerio, her husband is usually gone during the week and is normally only home on the weekends. so it sounds like he left before the weekend was up and that he has not contacted you since he's been gone but i assume you are expecting him to show up on friday??

i don't think anyone is crucifing him but i don't care what kind of news a person hears, throwing a beer bottle in the direction of a person is 100% WRONG!!! so throw it at the other wall, if you have to throw something, but not in the direction of the person. sorry i stand by my stmt, that is completely and ALWAYS uncalled for IMHO!

of course, she has already made it clear, that is not the norm for him, so maybe it would serve her best to not focus on that anymore. personally i would rather have a person be unjustly crucified than to have abuse not be flagged out.