</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Breif recap of H's reaction:
Removed pistol from closet, grabbed bullets, told me to kiss bullets as he loaded gun, gun held between us during face to face confrontation (don't remember if gun was unloaded at that point), All phones ripped from walls and thrown outside, car disabled, purse and money taken from me...hmmm can't think of anything else right now.
Oh yeah, also told me to blow my own head off. Guess that covers it....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one really knows how they will react to something terribly painful till it happens...

WU

dreamcather,

I never hit my WW and I never screamed at her but when I found out about her A and she choose OM ... I scream my lung out when she pushed button w/ her righteous comments. I do not condone his behavior nor mine but being BS I could tell you I rather get shot in my head. It was a natural reaction from pain of being tear apart. No one deserve it but it is part of the consequence of your own action.

You have done wrong to your H and M ... you have A. Telling him about the A is good, it is a step forward ... NC with OM is another step toward healing ... now, if you want your M you have to humble yourself and ask him to come home and ask him to stay to give a shot at M.

You have to make sure to include M counseling as part of the deal. You have to make sure that if he is back both of you could reach a fulfilling M.

-rh-

DC,

Please read the book His Needs/Her Needs. As an xWs you need to realize that he has to find his own way to deal with his anger. Also realize that men handle it different from women. Their reaction is often slower than women.

The combination will test your patience. In the meantime you can use this time to work on you. Practice how you w/b on his return. Even if he doubts your changes, be steadfast.

He has a right to doubt you. You have hurt him deeply. But with the right guidance, love and counsel, you can both work through this together. It just may take him a while to get to that point.

Get counseling with Steve. He is great talking with guys. Pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and patience for both of you. Reassure your children of your love for them.

All the best.
L.

First I have to say thank you to all of you for responding to my post...I truly thought I would be ignored as the evil WS...and it makes me feel much more hopeful to see BS's respond to me and care...

Ok, I don't blame my H for his reaction..truly, I don't blame him a bit..I do wish he wouldn't have caused such a ruckus that my kids had to hear and therefore be told of the situation that caused it...but hey, I created this situation, I will now have to deal with it. I've lost the respect of my children forever..ok, my fault I know....I don't see my H as abusive, he (has) loved me with all his heart.. and I broke it..I own that, I really do...

I just don't know where to go from here...he won't talk to me..I tried again to call him tonight, his only response to me was...'I'm trying to get a load to MO (where om lives)..tell me his address so I can go have a 'talk' with him...wtf??? I haven't spoken to OM in over 6 months!!..I don't want him back in my existance at all!!...I could have called him this week, and I have no doubt once he heard my story he would have been all over it..after all, it's the perfect opportunity to get back into my life isn't it??...I didn't call him though, because I love my H, and I want my marriage back...the one where he loved me with all his heart...when he would just touch my hair and lean over to kiss my cheek as he walked by my chair when we were hanging out watching tv...I want the marriage back that I had before I confessed my stupid stupid mistake...

He won't even listen when I try to tell him that I ended the A because of my love for him and the kids..it wasn't because I got caught and was forced to end it..I did it for US....he doesn't want to hear that I went through hell emotionally to end it because I love him so much...he just won't listen...

I also wanted to address the fact that I said I won't grovel and beg him to listen to me....I guess I'm not the 'groveling' type, because I can't see myself doing that...as screwed up as I am..even considering the mess I've made out of things, I don't think I can see myself on my knees begging someone to love me and listen to me...it's just not me...

DC,

Hugs to you. It must have been a hard thing.

You have posted many times to me under this screen name and my other one. I've always appreciated it.

Being a WW, or a FWW, is not who you are, it is something you've done. God forbid if I was labeled with every wrong thing I've done in my life.

I have had angry outbursts at my STBX, (prior to A, I think?) I realize many times I over-reacted. That doesn't mean I can't be different or that you aren't already different.

I pray, truely I do, that time will clear his head and yours. I'm proud you didn't call OM again. We will always be tempted by our weakness, how we deal with that temptation is what defines our character.

Thoughts are with you.

:: ”Personally I would rather have a person be unjustly crucified than to have abuse not be flagged out.”

Tell that to the unjustly condemned prisoners recently released from death row because of biased or just plain stupid witnesses. Or, if your H accuses you of abuse (unjustly of course?) it’s Ok for us to crucify you with abandon?

This blaming the victim is sickening. He probably did not even know what he was doing at the time becasue of the blinding pain of WW's exquisite betrayal. And, he was pretty drunk, no less, according to the primary eyewitness, WW. Anyone, including WW, worry about how he could have killed himself or anyone else while driving home? No? Why not? What’s that I smell?

When my wife finally disclosed her ten year PA I drank half a bottle of scotch and collapsed into a fetal position for about two days. I vaguely remember getting up once to puke and she tried to hold me. I didn’t want her to touch me and I squirmed out of her grasp. She says I called her names and bumped her in the eye with my elbow. I don't remember. But suddenly for months afterwards I was the horrible bad guy. I could not control myself. I was a martyr. I abused her and she shoudl have called police. Calling her names was worse than her PA! She was noble and pure for finally confessing (after months of agonizing suspicions a lies upon lies.)

Ah, there it is, the distinct odor of hypocrisy.

On MB no less!

Aughhhh...
T

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Thos:
<strong> ::
This blaming the victim is sickening. He probably did not even know what he was doing at the time becasue of the blinding pain of WW's exquisite betrayal. And, he was pretty drunk, no less, according to the primary eyewitness, WW. Anyone, including WW, worry about how he could have killed himself or anyone else while driving home? No? Why not? What’s that I smell?
T </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So...we would have said- that's ok, you were upset- no problem for driving drunk and killing 2 people? No problem taking that machine gun and spraying 6 people with bullets- you were the *victim* and drunk?

We ALL Are responsible for our own behavior. This is not *blaming the victim*. This is blaming someone who acted inappropriately for his own actions. Does that mean that dreamcatcher is not responsible for her own actions? NO! But it DOES mean that her husband is responsible for HIS own actions.

Ok..disclaimer to this post..I've been drinking and I hardly ever do that, now I know why..makes me feel even like a bigger piece of crap than usual..k, that said...

I can't help but feel that I've done something even more wrong than having the A..(is that possible?) We were doing so well...I know he loves me....I love him .. we are true soulmates...but when I try to talk to him now, I can feel the hatred I brought out by my confession...I soooo wish I would have just let it go..I didn't have to tell him, he would have never known ( although I think he did know, just not really)...I have been trying to make it up to him, but I thought confessing would make it even better...so I sacrificed him to appease my own guilt..?..Lots of good that has done..This is so much worse than the pain of ending it with OM...I don't know how to go on without something to look forward to??...What now??...

Have I thanked all of you who responded??...I hope so, because nobody but the people here know about this..besides my kids of course..and I can barely look them in the eye...I can't confess to anyone else..no way....how do I tell them that I was so stupid as to think I loved someone I hardly knew..someone I met on the internet for God's sake??..They wouldn't understand..I don't even understand...

FL..thanks for taking up for me...I think we know a lot about what each other is going through..and I thank you for your concern..

TJ..I've been wondering how you were doing...for some reason I've felt very protective of you too..probably because I saw the potential I had of being the b*tch your WW has been to you, and I'm sorry for what you've been put through...

To all the BS's who might read this...please don't think that the crap your WW/WH does is about you..it's not..it's a weakness within US..the WS..you are the strong ones....

dreamcatcher- if you had gone on without confession your relationship would have been based on years of lying and deception- hardly a firm base to continue to build a marriage. I firmly believe that you were right for telling your H. At least this way no matter what happens you will be starting from an honest point- and your H will be able to make his decisions based on the true facts, not based on lies.

sadfww...but he hates me now..how is that better???..He was happy, I was happy...[censored] OM was out of my life...now H in his anger is about to bring him back into our lives..I haven't even thought about OM for months..now he wants to hunt him down to 'talk' to him...this is better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
<strong> sadfww...but he hates me now..how is that better???..He was happy, I was happy...[censored] OM was out of my life...now H in his anger is about to bring him back into our lives..I haven't even thought about OM for months..now he wants to hunt him down to 'talk' to him...this is better? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it's better. Were you really happy dreamcatcher? Did the A cause you no concern- did it not come between you and your H in any way?

If you weren't troubled at all by the A and were truly happy, why did you decide to tell him?

ok..you've got me there...so I wasn't completely happy...there was always that elephant sitting there that only I could see...I prayed and I prayed for the answer coz I knew that there was 'something' not quite right..I know it was the secret I had..the secret of the A...I thought by confessing it would kill that damn elephant once and for all...right now all I feel is that the damn thing trampled all over my life....

ps: I hope my spelling isn't too bad...refer back to my disclaimer... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

(((Dreamcatcher))))

I waited 3 years to tell my H. We were supposedly *happy*- but I was living in abject misery- with the elephant on my chest and crushing the life out of me. And it wasn't fair to my H either- it wasn't fair for me to make the decision about our marriage - as I was doing since he didn;t have all of the relevant facts.

One way or another, your H now knows. If your marriage is repaired it will be because you both want it to be- not a *default* repair without him ever knowing that there was anything wrong....

DC,

You say you won't beg, but you keep trying to talk to him. Please calm down and let him sort this out. It will take him some time but let him calm down and sort out what he thinks. He will eventually want to talk, listen to him, the talk with him, but let him set the time scale right now. It has only been a few days and the first week or so is usually a big mess, so let it settle down.

God Bless,


JL

dreamcatcher, I'm very hesitant to post, being a new BS and very inexperienced here, but I am going to do so anyway. I don't know all the details of your situation, and since I'm not perfect myself, I would never blast you for your A, and I hope you don't think I'm doing that. But your descriptions of your husband's love and the way he seemed to treat you before DDay are very confusing to me. I guess it's the same in my situation; I adored my H and showed it, but still he was unfaithful and lied about it for years. I don't get it. Can you explain why you had an A if you loved your husband so much and he obviously adored you? I'm really curious -- not casting stones.
God bless,
PM

Ty sadfww...I hate that freaking elephant..it's been smothering me for months...well, at least now it's free and we'll see where it ends up landing...I need to go sleep now, but I'm curious as to how your H reacted to your confession?..are you still together? a link to your previous posts will be ok if you don't feel like recapping it all here..I just want my sweet H back, I don't want him to hate me..although I know I deserve his hate....this sucks....but I created this mess...now I have to live with it....

:: “We ALL Are responsible for our own behavior. This is not *blaming the victim*. This is blaming someone who acted inappropriately for his own actions. Does that mean that dreamcatcher is not responsible for her own actions? NO! But it DOES mean that her husband is responsible for HIS own actions.”

Precisely. Accurately hold BH accountable for his actions. Accurately hold WW accountable for her actions. It is relative. But crucify the innocent to protect the guilty? I don’t think so. If we get to do that, I nominate you first up.

Actually, maybe not precisely. Blame is a dirty word according to most infidelity texts. BS is not to blame WS for anything. But you seem to imply everyone can blame BS.

And besides, sometimes those people you blame do get off on temporary insanity pleas, don’t they. This H was temporarily not all there. Do you agree?

Dreamcatcher, your H does not hate you. I’d bet on it. He is very upset and confused, of course. But what it looks like is not what it is. That these people who were not even there criticize/pick on your H because they don’t like how he reacted is uncalled for, IMO. Casting stones…

I commend you for doing what is right. It will work out for both of you. But the really hard work is only now beginning. We are back together after a five month separation and doing well in recovery. With your attitude and desire you will do well also.

I think one of the things that is hurting your H is that is suspicion turned out to be true. He had time to build them up into a huge monster. Now he can’t tell what’s true about you’re A and what he built up and feared in advance. And his planned reaction when it all came true went out the window very fast. Emotions took over faster than he could control them.

Be sure to not drag it out. I didn’t get the whole truth for another four months. It was a living hell. Don’t also do that to your H. He obviously loves you. That’s why he is hurting so much.

My W eventually figured it out. As the fog dissipated, so did her offensive attitude. That helped me a lot. I think I have apologized more times for calling her names than she has for the A, actually.

Regarding your children, our 11-year-old DS also heard most of it, and she also told him when she moved out the next morning. He has gone through a lot. We have him seeing a child psychologist. It is helping. So don’t forget your children. They need you now more than ever.

Don’t despair.

T

DC-

I have sat back long enough....time to comment.

I waited because I understand how you feel. My M could have been turned if I had just NOT confessed. But ya know what I went and did? Yep... told her about the A. She was crushed and asked me to answer three pages of questions. I did (radical honesty). The answers hurt her even more and she pulled away despite my brokeness and complete desire to rebuild the M. I did everything. Sent cards...she told me to stop it. Sent flowers...the made it to the trash. Called...she told me to stop. I tryed to come by the house and talk...she changed all the locks. I kept paying every bill and responding with humble care. She continued to get colder and more bitter. Now... she wants out and is filing for DV.

There are many moments I wish I had NOT told her of the A (so I understand your pain)... BUT... there are some incredible things that have happened.....

I'm now right with God. I've been obiedient and repentant. AND... at the end of the day I stare at the man looking back at me in the mirror and I know God is pleased. I am regaining my integrity. My W might not be able to forgive me at this time, but I did do the right thing and my heart is healing. I can't control her actions...but I can control mine.

It's so hard to figure out what the completed puzzle looks like when all you have in your hand is one piece.

May God restore your peace and your M.

2scared

dreamcatcher,

I applaud you for confessing. That takes courage and strength that not many have (including my H - I found out about his A)

Please, please afford him what you are seeking - love & forgiveness. He acted out of intense pain. I am sure your A was acted out from that same place in your M.

I went to a Wine Festival with sis & BIL the day after Dday. WRONG MOVE. I came home a bit tipsy, H and I got into a 'discussion' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I hauled off and clocked him in the face. I have NEVER been physical like before in my life! (cripes, I weigh a bit over 100 lbs. - couldn't hurt a fly if I tried!) I felt such deep, intense pain that I have never felt before! That is where this lashing out came from. It is because my LOVE for him is that deep and intense!

Give your H time! If he didn't care, he would have shrugged it off and said, "OK it's over, I'm gone." I am NOT justifying his violence. I am still apologizing for mine today.

My H has prostrated himself at God's feet. He is so remorseful. He has shown me how sorry he is. Please do that with your H. If you love him (and I know you do!) just be there, be patient, tend to his pain.

May God be with you and your H - pray, pray and pray some more.

hugs,
Frags