Okay, Georgia has had a good workout and is going to drown his sorrows in a high-carb dinner.

I may check back in later, please take the time to post if at all possible. You words of encouragement mean much.

I'd like to hear some discussion on whether or not I should ask WW to leave.

Georgia

I'm back...I'm on line....and I need advice.

Is any of my trusted advisors who are familiar with my sitch there?

Georgia

Georgia:

Remember:


Keep It Simple as you have spelled out in your 2 conditions.

Don't LB.

She leaves; you stay. It's her call. The ball is in her court. You can only be in charge of yourself. You have chosen to stay. If she chooses to leave, that's her choice.

WSes are really comical. She expects you to play the LOVING HUSBAND ROLE of assistimg her in clearing the way for a relationship with OM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's her job to figure out how she would make it on her own without you.

If she wants your help, you can state a willingness to help her establish NC with OM and to be with her as she suffers through her withdrawal from him.

Sounds like you know what you need to do. Get on with it!!!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi....

I think I am now going down the path of no return...and my concern is that I don't waver left or right. Hence, your advice, please.

She has asked how I am going to stop her from calling OM. Her words: "If you get up tonight and I'm on the phone, are you going to kill me". I said NO. However, the logistically question remains...how do I stop her?

She brought up that maybe it is time to separate to keep us from killing each other. (I think she has a new fixation). Do you, Mimi, think it time for me to discuss openly with her the idea of a separation?

I am, for the first time, thinking of the financial implications of who leaves who (based on your comments earlier). The idea of OM mooching off me in my own home if I leave would be very, very hard to take.

Anyway, maybe I just need to chat for a moment. Suprisingly enough...I'm really at peace right now. No panic...just peace.

Does that make sense?

GG:

I'm here but I have 2 run right away! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I believe that the help you've been getting over the last several pages has been excellent, so I haven't felt the need 2 chime in. I guess I'd just urge you 2 review the most recent posts 2 you and calmly as you can discuss this with your W 2night. Try 2 steer her away from an angry reaction and the drama that ensues from that, 2 a calm assessment of her options as 2 where she might go. Think maybe of temporary things 2 get her started (since it's the middle of the month, it might not be easy 2 get her an apartment, for example).

Who knows, maybe a calm, frank discussion of what needs 2 be done will sober her up some.

be firm and loving,
-ol' 2long

GG,

It's a hard reality but one that WW needs to face. I champion your discussion about your boundaries. Next time she tells you that you are heartless for throwing her out...make it clear that you are doing no such thing. This isn't an ultimatim...ultimatims require threats and punishment. You have no intention of doing either. What you will do....is live your life in your home and you won't be chased from it by her decision to sit on the fence.

"Leaving or staying is your choice, however, staying means ending contact with your "friend" because anything else is too painful for me. I would love nothing more for you to stay, as my committed wife who cares enough about my feelings not to expect me to share you with another man. This is my home, and I shouldn't be expected to leave it so that I can accomodate a relationship that is destroying my marriage. The only fair thing to do is for whoever wants out of the marriage to leave. I don't want out. I want a real, honest, committed marriage and I will be right here when you're ready to commit to that and come home."

I am sending prayers for you!
(((((((((((((gg)))))))))))))))

I'm reading everything...thanks 2Long & star*fish. I don't think we've talked before, but yours are true words of encouragement.

Georgia

She has asked how I am going to stop her from calling OM. Her words: "If you get up tonight and I'm on the phone, are you going to kill me". I said NO. However, the logistically question remains...how do I stop her?

You don't stop her...but you do confront her with how it makes you feel. Use "I" statements to describe how devastating it is for you to realize how little respect and care she has for you. Use "I" statements to describe how disgusted you feel that she has so little regard for your feelings. All of that is Plan A.

She brought up that maybe it is time to separate to keep us from killing each other. (I think she has a new fixation). Do you, Mimi, think it time for me to discuss openly with her the idea of a separation?

No...never discuss something that you don't want. However, continue to defend your boundaries about how you will proceed if she continues to flaunt her relationship. Tell her you will not leave, and that if she desires separation...she will have to work out the logistics on her own.

I am, for the first time, thinking of the financial implications of who leaves who (based on your comments earlier). The idea of OM mooching off me in my own home if I leave would be very, very hard to take.

Again....don't leave your home. If she wants him....then let her go to him. That is the only way she can see how inept he actually is at providing all that she needs.

I think she is getting really desperate and is trying to scare you with that talk about rage reactions. She desperately wants to continue to communicate with him and she wants you to say it is OK.

I think it's best to calmly stick to your guns. She is trying to create drama here. Plus, she wants you to come up with all of the solutions. Why don't you play it cool? Ask her to do all of the work. There's a zillion other options other than murder. What I mean is ask her what she thinks you should do given your conditions which now include you staying in your home? She could say, talk to him outside in the yard, only talk to him in the car... You see, I think she's trying to get you riled. She's trying to get you to say you will leave. STAY COOL. Time is on your side. There's nothing that you have to do right now. Let her sweat.

GG,

I posted on one of your other threads, when you were going to visit OM.....and I have followed your progress. You've gotten good advice. There are many here who care about you. Take heart!

I agree with Star*fish, able to communicate clearer than me this time of night!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I realize that the question I ask about separation was ill advised. I think that from the excellent advice I've received here...I've just got to stay the course.

"This is my home, I'm here to stay. I'd love nothing more than for you to stay, too, in a committed marital relationship."

star*fish...your words well spoken and make a lot of sense. It really helps to hear the affirmation of the sage advice I've been receiving from others here.

Mimi...you're on target, as usual.

Thanks star*fish. If I had that trip to do over today, I'd not go. My thought was simply that if I don't go, there is no doubt they'll end up in bed. I went as a chaperone.

I've got a feeling that Mimi would have beat me severely if she'd been around then...but atleast I learn from my mistakes (once I repeat them about 10X).

Georgia

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

GG, As I recall, in a very uncharacteristic post (usually I'm fairly demure), I said the trip was "CRAP" LOL. Yes, mimi and I would be in agreement on that one!

Okay, star*fish...you have now earned the right to say:

I TOLD YOU SO !!!!!!!

I'm not in much need of demure right now, so spit it out.

I think until recently I've not really started seeing how much wisdom could be had from others (and I could name lots of names) on this board.

Your name has been added to the Georgia list of trusted souls.

You're right, it was CRAP !!!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

I'm going home now and I feel like I can get some rest without LB'ing (I hope). If WW wants to argue/discuss/whatever...there is really only 2 things I need to say. I'm not in a discussing mood tonight.

These last few hours have been pivotal for me.

ForeverHers
star*fish
2Long
Still Seeking
and, Mimi

thanks for being there for me tonight...

Georgia <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LOL....well alrighty then!

Here was my first post to you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First of all...this visit is crap. There is not one thing that can come of this that will be helpful to your marriage. She wants to establish friendship so that she can continue this EA...AND she wants to see him in the flesh. Both of these things are dangerous and just another way to try and justify her behavior.

So she needs LOTS of conversation and you aren't enough....FINE...so do lots of other women. That's why they have WOMEN friends, so they can talk talk talk. You need to buy a book by the late Shirley Glass called "Not Just Friends". It will give you the language...as well as the research to back what you say with facts and logic that your wife can understand.

Your wife's desire for this friendship....one she is willing to cram down your throat whether you like it or not...is unfair, selfish and destructive. Don't buy into and DON'T go. You can't control what she does...but you can sure control what you do...and going, simply enables this affair...gives it legitmacy. They are looking for your "seal of approval" and you'd be a fool to give it. Call the OMs wife and tell her that you have no intention of enabling this affair, that you will NOT be going, and encourage her not to enable it either. You guys are fooling yourselves if you think that getting everyone together will make this okay....all it will do is make sure it continues to undermine both marriages. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I told you so" is the last thing I want to say. All of this just sucks. What I'm happy about is that you are no longer buying into this cracked logic.