Mimi...yours was long...so is mine, I hope that’s okay.

I did much the same thing as you. As I have said in a previous post, my WW now tells me that I put her on a pedestal and expected perfection. I think that I did that because, in comparison to myself when we met, she was far closer to perfection than I. She is now almost “rebelling” (like a teenager) against this, and I’m seeing things that surprise me.

Our first date was June 22, 1974. Just prior, we had double dated (she with my best friend, me with my girlfriend at that time). Shortly after, both couples broke up and I asked my friend if he minded if I ask “her” out. He was okay with it, so we went out. However, about 2 months later, my old gf and I got back together and I didn’t let it be known to my new gf about the relationship. She found out shortly thereafter, and there was a major firestorm. (Both girls called me-together-while I was away at college. That put an end to gf #1). My W has never, apparently, gotten over that, even though it was 30 years ago and I was, admittedly, a cad for doing such a thing. I’ve apologized a number of times, etc, but she still, frequently, brings that up in the “I should have never married you” events.

We were really, also, inseparable the 2 years we dated (when I wasn’t away at college) and got along great. After the wedding (1976), we also had (I thought) a pretty good relationship. My career began to take off, but she didn’t pursue a career. We’ve continued over the years to be each other’s best friend. We have only socialized together with other couples. I’ve not been one to go golfing, fishing, whatever...and she’s not been one to go to the mall or shopping (or anything else) with the girls. Whatever we’ve done, we’ve done it together. Then, along came our family and we continued to do things both as a couple and a family, but not apart from one another.

W quit college when we got married, took a few stray courses, but never finished. She dedicated herself to being a Mom, and then later worked part time at the school the boys were attending (where she still works p/t). I pursued my career, but I did very little traveling and was always there and played every afternoon, read stories at night, and tucked the boys in at bedtime. We enjoyed life immensely as a family of 4. WW tells me now that the kids and not I were meeting her needs. We were, and still are, immensely involved in our church activities.

What may be significant to the issue is that my W had another boyfriend while I was away at school. They apparently got really close and it was hard for her to leave him. She tells me now that she chose to marry me because:

a) He didn’t ask her, and she was afraid he never would.
b) she felt she had no choice but to marry me.
c) She was desperate to leave home.

Additionally, she contacted him via e-mail several years ago. She told me about it approximately1 year after the fact. He asked her to stop (she says) because he felt uncomfortable.

Something that you and I do have in common in our R is the amount of our attention that our spouses seem to require. WW doesn’t necessarily talk incessantly, but she wants all of my attention. Like I have said previously, if I go out to mow she on the phone with OM. She seems to enjoy being with me, but doesn’t seem to be able to do anything constructive without me. Hence my questions about female friends and such. Can I, realistically, ever meet all of her needs in this fashion? Mimi..I accept your input about if she doesn’t want female friends, so be it. But, how can she fill the void that I inevitably will leave without such friendships? Are you at H’s side at all times when he’s not at work?

I think I can relate to the Domestic Tranquility need somewhat, and I hate to say it, but I want some time alone (yard work, tinker with antiques, etc.) without knowing that W is looking for another man to fill my void for an hour.

Does that make sense?

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Oh, Georgia:

I had to learn the hard way. I ended up being alone without him, without my best friend and companion of 30 years. I wouldn't want this for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how can she fill the void that I inevitably will leave without such friendships? Are you at H’s side at all times when he’s not at work?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it's a phase that they as needy folks are going through in MLC. Maybe we have grown emotionally and they have not. Yes, my H wants me to be at his side at all times when he is not at work. It was almost laughable this weekend when I was trying to post on the computer. He started calling out my name.

I talked with Steve Harley about wanting time to myself and he questioned me about this. MB does recommend amount of undivided time between spouses. Did we move towards wanting more independence although we married dependent types? I haven't been able to fully understand this yet.

I schedule in time for myself while my H is at work; he works late some nights. He actually knows this and almost gives me permission have alone fun time at this time. I have had to accept and acknowledge that he does not like or value alone time like I do. This my be true for your W. This is such a biggy for him. I can live with it.

He has a history of having closer friends than me. For some reason, he is estranged from his best male friend whom he used to spend a lot of time talking with by phone. He thinks the friend, older and long-married, was judgmental about the A since he was the first person that I exposed the A to, thinking the friend would have some effect on him-which he didn't. Actually, I used to be kind of jealous of his ability to talk for long periods with this friend.

What do you think? I think you need to give her loads of attention right now.

I think that stuff about the old BF is rewriting history. I would disregard that for now.

I continue to marvel at the similarities of our circumstances.
Sometimes I take a vacation day (I get lots of them, been with same employer 23 years) to stay home and work around the house. It gives me a nice day alone. As you may have noticed I go to work earlier than her (by about 3 hours) and come home later (by about 1-2 hours). Therefore, again you may have noticed, she usually calls me on the way to school and we talk. She usually calls when she’s on the playground, and we talk, and she calls on the way home, and we talk. I get home, then we sit down and talk. Fortunately I am in a position of authority where I can schedule my day, so I usually schedule my meetings and activities AROUND when I know she will be calling so I will be available. If she calls my cell phone and I’m in a meeting, I excuse myself and go talk however long she wishes to talk.
I like to have some time to myself, but it is difficult given our work schedules. It makes me feel better to see that someone (you) are experiencing similar issues. Like you, I don’t have a good theory to explain this, but I understand your caution. Live with it, fulfill it as an EN, or someone else will. (the “Clean-Up Woman”?? I remember that song, too!). However, I still hold to the opinion that some other FULFILLING & ACCEPTABLE activities, such as volunteer work or ministry, could help fill some of those needs. I take it you disagree?
I’ve got some male friends, not really close, that I can enjoy time with. But the time is usually just lunch, because after work socializing is basically out for the above reasons. I don’t think I’ve heard of many men who can spend long periods of time on the phone with one another.

I am in agreement with you about the loads of attention. I think that ANYONE would agree that I am doing that. I hope (and think) that the BF stuff is history re-write. I may delete some of the info from the post, I don’t want to share some of this too publicly.

Georgia

Mimi & csue -

WW tells me that after her hi R/A results, additional blood tests were done that returned negative for Lupus.

So far only tangible result has been the high R/A factor (84, I think).

Still no other dr appts planned until February.

Georgia

Gguy,

Has your wife been referred to a Rheumatologist? They're the specialty doc for autoimmune diseases, and if this were me, I'd like to hear no Lupus from a Rheumatologist to be sure because it's a very tricky disease. They might also be able to further determine what direction to go, such a rheumatoid arthritis, and other similar issues.

Good Morning, CSUE -

Yes, she is seeing a Rheumatologist and it was he who did the Lupus test. However, she is not scheduled to see him again until February.

Georgia

Good Morning -

I made the mistake last night of asking about what happened in bed the night before. Why the sudden change in attitude? What I got was an earful of "yes, I was enjoying it", but then I asked myself "do I really want to make love to this man?". Of course the answer was "NO"!!

I heard a lot of the same things rehashed over and over again. If I loved her, I'd understand her need for this "friendship" and I'd understand that it would be okay for him to live here. I'm nothing but a jealous husband and she should have never married me...etc.

I tried really, really hard to stick to the 2 Georiga principles: I am here to stay and work on the marriage, contact with OM in OUR home is unacceptable. Again, I was able to stay pretty calm and didn't get into LB'ing (much).

WW still says there is no way she is going to lose her friend and would rather lose her M. I told her I consider this to be an affair and I don't think any H would approve of the relationship. She says this is the way she is and I am just going to have to learn to accept her as she is. Unfortunately, I forgot to use STILLHERE's line "What do you need from me to help you end all contact with OM?". I had really intended to use that when the time was right, but I blew it. I'm sure there will be another time.

Anyway, lots of talk, no agreement. Someday we will have to discuss the Plan if she continues to positively refuse NC.

Georgia

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Georgia:

Take a deep breath...

You're only human. Your emotions got the best of you. You were wanting to believe that it was all over. The old Georgia that existed pre-A, pre-MB, again thought that loving attention and logic would work. I'm just so sorry for all of us involved in this. None of what we believed to be true about our relationships, about human nature, is true for us anymore. I'm going to remind you of a stuff that you already have learned but wanted to forget. I know how it is. I have been in your shoes. I still walk in your shoes. I wake up many mornings and wish it would all go away. I have wished that it was all a nightmare but it's not unfortunately.

Reminders:

1. DO NOT ASK HER ANY QUESTIONS WITH THE EXPECTATION OF A LOGICAL, REASONABLE RESPONSE. All of her answers will be aimed at maintenance and justification fo her A. She is in a fog. Do not buy anything that she has to say such as the following alien statements:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I loved her, I'd understand her need for this "friendship" and I'd understand that it would be okay for him to live here. I'm nothing but a jealous husband and she should have never married me...etc.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW still says there is no way she is going to lose her friend and would rather lose her M </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is the way she is and I am just going to have to learn to accept her as she is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. SHE WILL CONTINUE TO LONG FOR HIM UNTIL THERE HAS BEEN AT LEAST 3 MONTHS OF ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. This is the hardest fact for us to accept. She definitely has established a relationship with this guy. It is a sick, addictive relationship but a relationship that matters to her.

3. SHE CONTINUES TO WANT BOTH OF YOU. nd. That's where your PLAN A comes in. Sure, she wants to make love with you. Just keep up with your affection and she will eventually respond. She has given you this clue.Unfortunately, there may even need to be PLAN B. However, she has to set herself up to suffer the consequences on her own. If there is a PLAN B, it would mean that she moves out to be with him and you will not have any contact with her. You know that right? Keep that in the back your mind. She will need to arrange a way to be with him. You will not help her with this. I would like to see how she would pull that one off,though. She is thinking that she can convince you to help her with this. NO WAY!!! Maybe begin to include in your mantra a comment indicating that you will not assist her in continuing her relationship with him but you will only assist her in ending it.

Continue to PLAN A. You are doing well. You just got veered off course. Our WSes have a powerful influence over us. Of course, they do. They are our life partners. We have been together with them forever.....

Get right back up on top of the horse! Just a minor fall....

Been on phone with WW for 45 minutes.

Update coming......

WOW !!! 1 hour, 5 minutes. I just called to tell her that it was time to get up.

This time, I stuck to the mantra much better. She's doing everything in her power to get me to say it's okay, just keep on doing it. Today, she is attempting to win them both to Christ and my actions are not showing Christian love. Oh boy...

Anyway, the real clue in all this...I did remember StillHere's invaluable line. After repeating it about 3X, I finally heard..."It's all about communication. You don't communicate with me". This really isn't any real revelation, but I do think that there is substance that this is the EN I have been unable to meet that got us here to begin with. The #2 IC I met with said "just talk to her the way you talk to me". The truth is...I do that. I am at a loss as to how to do it any better. I really, really don't know how to meet her needs any better in the area of communication.

Boy, those few days of ignorance was indeed, bliss. I did keep telling her "not in our home". She laughed out loud. One of the few times she's audibly laughed at a comment like that.

Help!! There's an alien in my house !!!

Continued warning:

Remember not to take too seriously what she is saying, Georgia... Even about the communication problem

How can I get you out of this mindset?

Put the focus back on you and stop trying to analyze her.

She is an alien. She's sounding more and more desperate and fogged out in my opinion. That stuff about winning them to Christ... YUK!!! Remember that after she talks to you, she will talk to him.

Just listen. Do not try to communicate with an alien. When you open up the door, it seems like she is using any thing that she can think of to get you to help her with bringing him here. Using the religious approach, YUK!! I hope she is not being consciously conniving like my FWH was. It's hard for us to accept that our spouses could be that malicious but they get desperate for their drug, especially since you are cut him off and she uses him as an antidepressant. She is probably feeling that she will die without him. I'm sorry, Georgia. As you know, this is serious stuff!!

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi:

Deep breath taken (along with a couple of meetings...)

Really, I knew it wasn’t over, so I wasn’t too terribly surprised at last nights issues. It’s just hard to stop her once she gets going. It’s like she’s decided to try and convince me of how wrong I am. I think this can be directly attributed to the MB principles (and Plan A) that I’ve put into place utilizing the guidance I’ve received here from everyone.

I know exactly what you mean about the nightmare feeling. Sometimes it’s like I’m hit with this sudden realization that “hey, this is my real life now”. It’s hard to explain. A couple of days ago, I was several blocks from our home, driving over a small creek, watching the fall leaves in the breeze and just kinda’ feeling at peace. Suddenly, the peace was interrupted by rude thoughts of reality and what I would likely be facing when I arrived home. Carry-over from yesterdays conversation: Last Thursday night, when I left for the evening while WW feverishly vacuumed, was soooo enjoyable for me. After a good workout, I went to a restaurant and just ate a leisurely dinner while reading the paper. Nice...very nice. Even though you are such a success story and doing such a great job encouraging so many on this board, I know that you still struggle. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be able to recapture what I call the feeling of “innocence”. In other words, will there always, no matter the success, be this gloomy cloud hanging over my head and the “way we were”, and then the “way it became”. Okay, Georgia waxing philosophical...not necessary to the conversation at hand.

Your “reminders” :

1. DO NOT ASK HER ANY QUESTIONS WITH THE EXPECTATION OF A LOGICAL, REASONABLE RESPONSE.
Right, I don’t really process anything she says at this point. BUT...I’m confused about your comments: “Remember not to take too seriously what she is saying, Georgia... Even about the communication problem”. Couple that with MY PLAN A (From October 29, 2004):
Here's my assignment:

7. I will work on meeting her top 3 needs (Honesty and Openness, Conversation, Admiration)

My comments about meeting her EN’s are meant to indicate that I do KNOW how to do the H&O (at the right time), and the Admiration. But, what about the conversation part? Are you saying that you think that my actions ARE SUFFICIENT to meet this EN, she just doesn’t want to admit it (or recognize it) while in the FOG? Summary...I’m concerned that I’m not “equipped” to meet this EN, and I don’t know how to change ME to do so.

2. SHE WILL CONTINUE TO LONG FOR HIM UNTIL THERE HAS BEEN AT LEAST 3 MONTHS OF ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT.

I think I have accepted this, but getting her to have NC is going to take duct tape and rope, I think (just kidding). But, I don’t think I am going to get her buy-in on this while in Plan A.

3. SHE CONTINUES TO WANT BOTH OF YOU.

I can assure you that I am being very, very consistent in my message that his presence here is not going to happen. If she’s got to have him, she’s going to have to go there. I am not participating in helping with any arrangements, just telling her that she will have to have her own plan. She again brought up the finance thing (“how can I afford...etc?”). I just remained quiet.

Yes, Mimi, thanks to you (and others)... I know that Plan B is for her to leave. Previously, I had ASSUMED that I would leave in Plan B. I have new found comfort in knowing that this is MY HOME, I’m not leaving it. No need to discuss yet, but convincing her she must leave will, indeed, be difficult.

I am back on the horse, ready to ride again.

Georgia

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Just got back from lunch...WW called "just to chat for a while".

Hi Georgia:

It's me, responding to your post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though you are such a success story and doing such a great job encouraging so many on this board, I know that you still struggle. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be able to recapture what I call the feeling of “innocence”. In other words, will there always, no matter the success, be this gloomy cloud hanging over my head and the “way we were”, and then the “way it became”. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I still struggle because this is a major trauma. Steve Harley says that the effects are worse than incest/physical abuse. I had more than one D-day and a couple of false recoveries, a few GEORGIA TEA PARTYISH incidents, etc. However, it gets better and better everyday and really, my life is a lot better than it was when I was unhappily married, IN DENIAL AND NAIVE ABOUT LIFE. Maybe I'm rationalizing but I'm thankful to be able to see situations the way that they really are, without rose-colored glasses. I'm sometimes TOO REAL for people now but that's alright. In being tougher, I feel better about myself. You're rignt, enough philosophy....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT...I’m confused about your comments: “Remember not to take too seriously what she is saying, Georgia... Even about the communication problem”. Couple that with MY PLAN A (From October 29, 2004):
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was referring to your view of yourself of being a poor communicator. I was saying that you won't be able to effectively communicate with her right now while she is in the fog. You certainly can't communicate with her regarding her true feelings or relationship issues. I would think that effectively meeting the CONVERSATION NEED right now is LISTENING and engaging in conversations about noncharged subjects, subjects that aren't triggers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She again brought up the finance thing (“how can I afford...etc?”). I just remained quiet.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I might go ahead and ask her how would she plan to afford it just to get her thinking and to emphasize that she would have do this on her own. Ask as if you are dumb-founded, curious, sort of like COLUMBO, the detective.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but convincing her she must leave will, indeed, be difficult.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Convincing her won't be your job. She'll just have to leave on her own if she wants to leave.

Mimi -

"...my life is a lot better than it was when I was unhappily married, IN DENIAL AND NAIVE ABOUT LIFE. Maybe I'm rationalizing but I'm thankful to be able to see situations the way that they really are, without rose-colored glasses"

Really, I think you're right here. I suppose that I found it to be easier to be IN DENIAL AND NAIVE by staying involved in my career (for me) and busy with our family (for both of us).

Okay, I think you've hit on something..the goal isn't to turn back the hands of time, but to make the M better than it was.

No more grousing...for today anyway.

Georgia

I agree, take her revisionist marital history with a grain of salt...she will make everything sound much worse than it is so she doesn't feel AS guilty continuing contact with OM.

As far as the communication...not unreasonable, men and women have been having trouble communicating since Eve said to Adam "Here, try this, it tastes good."

We women folk think you understand what we want when we talk with you...but we have two very different styles of communicating. It's time to ask her what you could do differently to let her know you are listening...play REAL dumb, her answers will surely surprise you.

I had to get really clear with my H about communicating and had to ask him to be in the same room, I couldn't carry on a conversation when he was in another room (even if he was listening) and every time he got distracted or looked away, I would lose my train of thought. Also talking on the phone, if I thought he was talking with someone else (answering the kid's questions, etc) I would stop talking.

Ask her waht you can do to help communication, and what you can stop doing that hurts communication. Put the ball in her court.

That stopping SF because you won't let the OM in your lives is manipulative. Sex is a powerful weapon, and she is weilding it! Not fair! She expects you to buckle. You can always throw it back at her and say, "I'm very hurt and surprised you don't want to be intimate with me, and I'm wondering how you are fulfilling that need for yourself..." May be a little nasty though, that has an edge to it, doesn't it...

Good Morning, StillHere –

When she first started the stuff about “I never loved you, shouldn’t have married you, etc.” it really hit me hard. However, I’ve kind of gotten accustomed to it and it just doesn’t have much of an impact on me anymore. But, it’s certainly nice to have other folks telling me to accept it as “revisionist”. Hopefully, someday I’ll hear W once again tell me how much she loves me and what a great H I’ve been to her.

Okay, during non-LB, non-trigger, non-threatening discussion, I will take your suggestion to “...play REAL dumb”. Your suggestions of things to say (especially during babble) have done surprisingly well, so when you say “her answers will surely surprise you”, I’m kind of anxious to hear what she has to say. I’ll let you know when that happens. However, I will not take to heart everything and anything she says....I’ve learned that lesson too many times (and been reminded by Mimi). Sometimes she breaks out of the fog for a few minutes, that’s when I would like to ask her this question.

I can understand it would be hard to converse from one room to the other. Sometimes she says I don’ listen, but that’s pretty rare. She’s more like to say that I don’t understand her.

The SF thing is getting a bit frustrating, I must admit. I haven’t quite tried what you suggest, but recently she said that I had real nerve to expect sex from her when I treat her this way...I told her that I wasn’t expecting sex, I was giving sex because I know what you like and how much you need it. She replied “I never thought of it that way” It didn’t do me much good, the result has been the same but at least I kept the high road.

Thanks for posting, your comments are always helpful.

Mimi - Thanks for the PSYC-101 lesson, I enjoyed it. It’s nice to be able to think, and read, rational thoughts about this from someone that’s BTDT.

Just wondering, has your FWH ever exhibited Obsessive-Compulsive tendencies?

Georgia

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Good Morning, Georgia:

Funny you asked that question about OCD. I'm afraid both my H and I have that issue. An idea of fun for us is cleaning the house so that everything is spotless.

Why do you ask???

Ah hah!!!

I knew if I kept digging, I'd find something where we totally differ!!

I am not, repeat, not at the least OCD.

However....WW is very much so. Anything she does once, she considers a habit for life. Hence, if we attend one event (of any type) that meets repetitively, we have become life members. Likewise, when she does clean house, it is a drawn out affair (no pun intended) that can last for a whole day. I can clean the house in a couple of hours (just don't look too close!). I'd be willing to bet your house is a lot cleaner than mine!

Back on the subject...I think sometimes her OCD may have contributed to the EA. Thinking WAY down the road, I'm concerned that if she continues to "meet" people on-line (IM'ing) that the trap will be set again, no matter the successful meeting of EN's. Remember, this is the 2nd time around for this, the first was less intense and ended when OM broke it up. But...there were a lot of signs of OCD there and I know that FOM is definitely OCD as well.

Do you agree that OCD folks benefit from constant variety (speaking of our R) to keep from getting into a "rut"?

Due to the similarity of our spouses, I was just curious as to how they compared in this arena and whether or not this might be a contributor.

MED - During our difficult time Monday night, WW said "you know I have a hard time forming my thoughts these days". This was the first time I had really heard her admit this (during fog, I know)...but I think it is significant. I don't want to put these issues too far on the back burner, I'm still really concerned about her health. I've read more on MS, I see a lot there. Seems the only meaningul diagnoses is with an MRI. I don't know the current state of thought of her Rheumatologist, but I have to wonder why he's not having her back until February. Does this make sense to you?

Georgia

Georgia;

You are not off the hook! Have you taken a look at your analytical thinking? Have you ever considered that could be OC behavior? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm concerned that if she continues to "meet" people on-line (IM'ing) that the trap will be set again, no matter the successful meeting of EN's </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer for this is adopting the RULES OF PROTECTION. Once in Recovery, your lives become open books, no high-risk behaviors such as this. It's just like an alcoholic has no alcohol in the home. I would say IMing is more a problem here than OCD. Why is she resorting to this as a leisure activity?

I wouldn't consider my FWH disordered but he definitely has OC tendencies. I don't see him as wanting variety though. He likes sameness, has routines. I am valued because I know these routines, rituals whereas the OW probably tried to learn them and failed during PLAN B. She tried to pretend that she was like him in this regard but he found out that she wasn't whereas I actually do have these OC tendencies.

What bothers me about his OCiveness is his desire for me to be perfect. He wouldn't admit it and I hate to admit it but he doesn't like for me to have marks on my body, he wants me to be fit, likes it that I am compulsiveness about bodily cleanliness, etc. He had a fantasy that the OW was perfect and once they were together full-time he realized that she was pretending about that, too.

Do you think that the OM is trying to fit into your wife's ideal? Is she trying to find the ideal friend? That would be the similarity if any with my H in this regard.

I have to go. Will get back with you later about the medical stuff.