Yea, you're right about that.

Thanks for taking the time to post. I think I may go try to get some sleep.

Oh, by the way...I picked up the phone, she's on the phone with OM now.

Georgia

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm sorry to hear that.
Try to get some sleep. I'm going to try to do the same.

Good Morning to al -

I slept about an hour last night, I'm up and dressed. Not sure what to do now. I've got the exposure ball rolling, do I keep it going NOW, TODAY, by going to #1 son, my parents, our friends, etc? Or ..do I just chill out until my SH appointment tomorrow?

I haven't talked to WW since last night's festivities with law enforcement present, so I don't know if she plans to leave today, next week, or what.

Our Sons and DIL's are supposed to come here for lunch today after church.

WHAT DO I DO, OH WISE FOLKS?

Georgia

GG,

If you have an appt. with SH tomorrow....wait and get his advice. One day is not significant enough to make a huge difference.

Good Luck....I'll be interested in your report after counseling.

GG, I am so sorry about all this. I agree with starfish about waiting to talk to SH about further exposure. One thing that concerns me, though, is her call to the OM last night. She might think since she is supposedly leaving, that she can call him whenever she chooses.

I would continue to make it clear to her that she can't call from your home. I have seen it happen often where a WS thinks that just because they are planning on leaving that they can carry on the affair openly, causing great grief to the BS.

I'm out here, Georgia.

Having to give attention to H on the weekend. I know you understand this.

I will be back with you soon.

Feel somewhat comforted in the fact of knowing you will be able to talk to Steve Harley tomorrow. I was just glancing at some of my notes from him which I continue to find most helpful.

Don't give up! It's not over. MB is a process. It works in stages.

star*fish, Melody -

Thank you so very much for your comments. I have, again, made it clear to WW that calling OM from our home will not be tolerated. She, again, has angrily called me a controlling H that she can't live with.

I've talked to her Dad a long time this morning. He is convinced she has some significant medical issues that are driving her behavior. He is very concerned about her and has asked that I not do anything to burn bridges. I respect his comments in that area. I am fortunate to have him as a partner in this....perhaps the 2 of us can work together.

#1 Son and DIL came by the house this morning while I was out eating b'fast. When I got home, WW was telling him the whole thing (her version of how she's never been happy, etc.). So now, the exposure continues to grow.

#1 S (22 yrs old), listened patiently and intently, and then came over to talk to me. He said: "Dad, you know I love you. You know divorce isn't an option, right Dad? There is no problem too big for us to work through as a family". Then he continued to tell me how Jesus' last words on Earth related to his desire for unity, therefore, we could understand that unity is one of the hardest things to achieve.

He put his arms around both of us and prayed, thanking God that he had been raised in a home where love between his Mom and Dad had taught him how to love his wife.

Man....G.G. just can't shed any more tears without dehydrating. What did I ever do to deserve the wisdom of these 2 kids that I have? Funny, I spent 20+ years teaching and guiding them, and now, in just a few short years,the tables are turned and they're leading me. What a blessing!!!!

Anyway, enough pontificating. I will try to keep a low key until my meeting with SH tomorrow. I realize now that anything I do at this point can have major repercussions, both for good or bad.

Please continue, all, to pray for us throughout today and tomorrow.

Your posting means a lot to me, just reading friendly (and sane) words helps even if you don't have any concrete suggestions.

Georgia

Hi, Mimi...I'm glad you're there.

Any more words of wisdom (encouragement, solace, comfort, or ANYTHING) to offer?

I left the house, went out to work to get an unfettered computer.

Georgia

All -

I am going to log off and go home. Family will be arriving in about an hour for lunch, I don't know what direction this will take today.

I will be back on later this afternoon, evening.

Georgia

GG - I haven't posted to you before but I have been following your story. Your W really has a good man. I just hope she realizes it before it is too late. Keep doing what you are doing.

GG,
You’re right do I’ll begin by just stating the obvious. This is indeed the crisis point. In that you will be speaking with SH tomorrow the wisest course of action is, as others have already advised, to just sit back and wait to hear what he has to say.

Here’s something that may help you in the immediate, however. Remember that every question asked does not always deserve an answer. Not only that, but you are not required to ever give an answer or make explanations concerning certain issues. (Besides, no one ever got into any trouble by just keeping there mouth shut! LOL)

And I mean no answer at all! If it were me, I would sit and listen and say nothing! Absolutely nothing! Nothing you say will be herd or listened to by her anyway so don’t even try. Further, avoid any and all confrontations and of course arguments with her. And I mean, do not even stipulate to your mantra; the I love but you will have to etc. that you’ve been using. I mean say nothing, promise nothing, and ask for nothing. Instead just listen and then get up and walk away from her.

Only if she continues to be so disrespectful as to once again call the OM from your home should you say anything to her. At that point you need to remind her that she has decided to leave, and that she will need to wait until she’s gone to continue her adulterous relationship. And I would use those exact adjectives to describe what she’s doing.

GG, remember that it is she that has decided to leave you! It is she that has put this option on the table! It is she that has decided to play this last card in an attempt to gain your consent to her unconscionable behavior so it is she that must now begin to come to terms with what she’s really suggesting as a solution to her problem.

You have not given her any ultimatums or made any threats. In fact, if it were I, I would suggest that she begin looking today for a place to sleep tonight! But that’s me, and I tend to take a rather pro-active approach in these situations. It’s my personal belief that a cold does of reality, exposure and the truth is the surest way to get peoples attention. But then again, you will be seeking with SH tomorrow so you will have a better idea of what action you need to take then.

By the way, when you speak to SH tell him everything and do it in a chronological order. If you need to, write it in outline form so that you don’t forget important details. Then tell SH what YOUR bottom line is! Explain to him that any further contact with the OM from your home is not negotiable or that the OM and his wife coming to visit or live with you are not ever going to be a consideration. You have to tell him what your limits are in terms of appeasing her to save the marriage. He has to know what you can and will be able to put up with. If you can’t follow his plan then it won’t work so he needs to know you’re capable of living with and doing. He needs to know your limitations.

And GG, stay cool. I understand how devastating this all seems to you at the moment but this is not over by a long shot. There is a long road ahead of you so just settle in and learn to be patient and even learn to laugh at some of this. Because believe me, some day you will laugh at it all! I know you don’t think so right now, but you will live to see the humor in the things she is saying and doing because in the end, they are so ridiculous that you will have to!
Coach

GG:

Not much 2 add 2 the great responses you've gotten.

Just wanted 2 note that you've got a great family on your side. AND on your W's side, though she won't be able 2 recognize that right now.

You handled everything very well.

Just do make sure you get enough sleep and enough 2 eat, okay?

best,
-ol' 2long

OH, GEORGIA:

My heart goes out to you! I do remember those sleepless nights. I even can relate to visits from the police...more than one time. Affairs are so dangerous and self-destructive, especially when our spouses are so out-of-control.

What wise counsel you have received from COACH. he, like me, sounds like he has been-there, done-that and come out on the other side. I especially liked the following quote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And GG, stay cool. I understand how devastating this all seems to you at the moment but this is not over by a long shot. There is a long road ahead of you so just settle in and learn to be patient and even learn to laugh at some of this. Because believe me, some day you will laugh at it all! I know you don’t think so right now, but you will live to see the humor in the things she is saying and doing because in the end, they are so ridiculous that you will have to!
Coach
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember TIME AND PATIENCE This is surely far from over if you can stand waiting and going through the process. My FWH is really himself again after getting out his temporary insanity. I remember Steve Harley attributing all his crazy behavior to the A given that he was so sane beforehand. That gives me hope for your wife.. that she can get back to her senses.

I'm awaiting Steve's assessment. I agree with COACH about preparing for your session with him so that you can use the time with him efficiently. Keep in mind tonight that she has not gone anywhere and still might be trying to manipulate the situation. She seems to have gotten people to help her arrange to get away, particularly this brother. Even her father wants to help her escape to a mental hospital. She doesn't fit the criteria for commitment by the way.

I thought the OM has broken up with her. She has become devious and a liar like they all seem to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Georgia, you are definitely in my prayers. You are certainly blessed to have such wonderful sons. You and your WW have done well! I believe that she can make it back with such a devoted husband and supportive family behind her.

Thanks to all...I'll need to be brief.

We all 6 sat down this afternoon for a very serious talk. Both Sons telling their Mom they love her, but cannot condone what she is doing. She cried a lot. She tells them OM makes her happy. Both boys are really worried about their Mom.

The family is supporting me with all kinds of love. DIL's loving me like I'm their Dad....and crying the whole time.

More to come tomorrow...

Georgia

Wow. You have raised some great kids it seems.
How wonderful that they have been taught so well that they can now pay you back 100 times what you invested in them. I'm definitely not a bible scholar, but I think there are a few references to this that I've read.

You've got more going for you than I think you realize right now. I think SH will probably agree with that. Good luck in talking with him tommorow. I have spoken with him in the past, and he does have a great mind for this.

Good Morning to all-

Yesterday was such a draining day, I felt like I needed a day alone. I'm taking the day off, just got through working out at church. I'm going to b'fast,then to some hiking trails along a canal. No one knows where I am (but they'll find me, I've got my cell).

I'm trying to mentally, emotionally prepare for SH later this morning.

Yesterday's discussion with WW was a real eye opener for the boys and DIL's. I had prepared them with some of the principles learned here: KISS, drug addict, juvenile thinking, etc.

Both boys asked her only a few very direct questions, her answers were total fog and "reversed", and she seemed like a woman who is out of touch with reality. DIL's just sat and sobbed.

I think the boys know what we're up against now. They are prepared for the long haul...see their Mom like a "drug addict".

They are supporting me well. #2 Son has advised me that I am vulnerable to temptation at this stage, he has warned me to be vigilant. I already realized this, but to be told that by your 22 y.o. son is a real blessing.

WW and I have slept separtely the last 2 nights. This morning I left her a small vase of roses from our rose garden, a note that says "I Love You' and a Hershey's kiss. I hope it means something to her.

I'll post again after the SH session.

You all mean much to me.

Georgia

(((((Georgia Guy)))))

Memories come flooding back as I read your current happenings. This IS the "crisis" state that I referred to earlier. THE issue, the "crisis," is one of obedience and submission to God. The "crisis" is reality versus lies and fantasy and the emotional entanglements that are a byproduct of giving in to sin. You are blessed with children who sound grounded in the Lord. You, and your wife, did your "job" in raising them and training them in the admonition and the counsel of God. They are their own now, and they have learned their lessens well. God will even use this crisis to strengthen their walk with Him. That is what is meant by God "takes all the events in our lives to work for good for those who love Him." The "school of hard knocks" is painful at the time, but lessens well learned can have lasting and positive benefits for all of us for the rest of our lives.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

Let me share a couple of things with you that you might find some comfort in during this time of tribulation in your life. I hope they give you come comfort and peace as Jesus CAN and WILL calm the fearce storm in your life.

This is from MountainWings, a favorite of mine for inspiration and comfort in times of trouble.

THE BLESSING IN "NO"
=====================

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said "No."
It is not for Me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said "No."
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said "No."
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted,
it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said "No."
I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said "No."
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said "No."
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said "No."
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!


From a post by Mr. BC.....something that I thought was of tremendous importance when we are faced with the trials and tribulations of life:

Found this on an obscure Scottish web site. Hope it helps.

HOW TO BEAR SORROW.

You are passing through a time of deep sorrow. The love on which you were trusting has suddenly failed you, and dried up like a brook in the desert now a dwindling stream, then shallow pools, and at last drought. You are always listening for footsteps that do not come, waiting for a word that is not spoken, pining for a reply that tarries overdue.

Perhaps the savings of your life have suddenly disappeared. Instead of helping others, you must be helped; or you must leave the warm nest where you have been sheltered from life's storms to go alone into an unfriendly world; or you are suddenly called to assume the burden of some other life, taking no rest for yourself till you have steered it through dark and difficult seas into the haven. Your health, or sight, or nervous energy is failing; you carry in yourself the sentence of death; and the anguish of anticipating the future is almost unbearable. In other cases there is the sense of recent loss through death, like the gap in the forest glade, where the woodsman has lately been felling trees.

At such times life seems almost unsupportable. Will every day be as long as this? Will the slow moving hours ever again quicken their pace? Will life ever array itself in another garb than the torn autumn remnants of past summer glory? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Is His mercy clean gone forever?

This road has been trodden by myriads. When you think of the desolating wars which have swept through every country and devastated every land; of the expeditions of the Nimrods, the Nebuchadnezzars, the Timours, the Napoleons of history; of the merciless slave trade, which has never ceased to decimate Africa; and of all the tyranny, the oppression, the wrong which the weak and defenceless have suffered at the hands of their fellows; of the unutterable sorrows of women and children surely you must see that by far the larger number of our race have passed through the same bitter griefs as those which rend your heart.

Jesus Christ Himself trod this difficult path, leaving traces of His blood on its flints; and apostles, prophets, confessors, and martyrs have passed by the same way. It is comforting to know that others have traversed the same dark valley, and that the great multitudes which stand before the Lamb, wearing palms of victory, came out of great tribulation. Where they were we are; and, by God's grace, where they are we shall be.

Do not talk about punishment. You may talk of chastisement or correction, for our Father deals with us as with sons; or you may speak of reaping the results of mistakes and sins dropped as seeds into life's furrows in former years; or you may have to bear the consequences of the sins and mistakes of others; but do not speak of punishment. Surely all the guilt and penalty of sin were laid on Jesus, and He put them away forever. His were the stripes and the chastisement of our peace. If God punishes us for our sins, it would seem that the sufferings of Christ were incomplete; and if He once began to punish us, life would be too short for the infliction of all that we deserve. Besides, how could we explain the anomalies of life, and the heavy sufferings of the saints as compared with the gay life of the ungodly? Surely, if our sufferings were penal, there would be a reversal of these lots.

Sorrow is a refiner's crucible. It may be caused by the neglect or cruelty of another, by circumstances over which the sufferer has no control, or as the direct result of some dark hour in the long past; but inasmuch as God has permitted it to come, it must be accepted as His appointment, and considered as the furnace by which He is searching, testing, probing, and purifying the soul. Suffering searches us as fire does metals. We think we are fully for God, until we are exposed to the cleansing fire of pain. Then we discover, as Job did, how much dross there is in us, and how little real patience, resignation, and faith. Nothing so detaches us from the things of this world, the life of sense, the birdlime of earthly affections. There is probably no other way by which the power of the self life can be arrested, that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

But God always keeps the discipline of sorrow in His own hands. Our Lord said, "My Father is the husbandman." His hand holds the pruning knife. His eye watches the crucible. His gentle touch is on the pulse while the operation is in progress. He will not allow even the devil to have his own way with us. As in the case of Job, so always. The moments are carefully allotted. The severity of the test is exactly determined by the reserves of grace and strength which are lying unrecognised within, but will be sought for and used beneath the severe pressure of pain. He holds the winds in His fist, and the waters in the hollow of His hand. He dare not risk the loss of that which has cost Him the blood of His son. "God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tried above that you are able."

In sorrow the comforter is near. "Very present in time of trouble." He sits by the crucible, as a Refiner of silver, regulating the heat, marking every change, waiting patiently for the scum to float away, and His own face to be mirrored in clear, translucent metal. No earthly friend may tread the winepress with you, but the Saviour is there, His garments stained with the blood of the grapes of your sorrow. Dare to repeat it often, though you do not feel it, and though Satan insists that God has left you, "Thou art with me." Mention His name again and again, "Jesus, JESUS, Thou art with me." So you will become conscious that He is there.

When friends come to console you they talk of time's healing touch, as though the best balm for sorrow were to forget; or in their well meant kindness they suggest travel, diversion, amusement, and show their inability to appreciate the black night that hangs over your soul. So you turn from them sick at heart, and prepared to say, as Job of his, "Miserable comforters are ye all." But all the while Jesus is nearer than they are, understanding how they wear you, knowing each throb of pain, touched by fellow feeling, silent in a love too full to speak, waiting to comfort from hour to hour as a mother her weary, and suffering babe.

Be sure to study the art of this Divine comfort, that you may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction with the comfort with which you yourself have been comforted of God (2 Cor. 1: 4). There can be no doubt that some trials are permitted to come to us, as to our Lord, for no other reason than that by means of them we should become able to give sympathy and succour to others. And we should watch with all care each symptom of the pain, and each prescription of the Great Physician, since in all probability at some future time we shall be called to minister to those passing through similar experiences. Thus we learn by the things which we suffer, and, being made perfect, become authors of priceless and eternal help to souls in agony.

Do not shut yourself up with your sorrow. A friend, in the first anguish of bereavement, wrote, saying that he must give up the Christian ministries in which he had delighted; and I replied immediately, urging him not to do so, because there is no solace for heart pain like ministry. The temptation of great suffering is toward isolation, withdrawal from the life of men, sitting alone, and keeping silence. Do not yield to it. Break through the icy chains of reserve, if they have already gathered. Arise, anoint your head and wash your face; go forth to your duty, with willing though chastened steps.

Selfishness of every kind, in its activities or its introspection, is a hurtful thing, and shuts out the help and love of God. Sorrow is apt to be selfish. The soul, occupied with its own griefs, and refusing to be comforted, becomes presently a Dead Sea, full of brine and salt, over which the birds do not fly, and beside which no green thing grows. And thus we miss the very lesson that God would teach us. His constant war is against the self life, and every pain He inflicts is to lesson its hold upon us. But we may thwart His purpose and extract poison from His gifts, as men get opium and alcohol from innocent plants.

A Hindoo woman, the beautiful Eastern legend tells us, lost her only child. Wild with grief, she implored a prophet to give back her little one to her love. He looked at her for a long while tenderly, and said:

"Go, my daughter, bring me a handful of rice from a house into which Death has never entered, and I will do as thou desirest."

The woman at once began her search. She went from dwelling to dwelling, and had no difficulty in obtaining what the prophet specified; but when they had granted it, she inquired:

"Are you all here around the hearth father, mother, children none missing?"

The people invariably shook their heads, with sighs and looks of sadness. Far and wide as she wandered, there was always some vacant seat by the hearth. And gradually, as she passed on, the legend says, the waves of her grief subsided before the spectacle of sorrow everywhere; and her heart, ceasing to be occupied with its own selfish pang, flowing out in strong yearnings of sympathy with the universal suffering, tears of anguish softened into tears of pity, passion melted away in compassion, she forget herself in the general interest, and found redemption in redeeming.

Do not chide yourself for feeling strongly. Tears are natural. Jesus wept. A thunderstorm without rain is fraught with peril; the pattering raindrops cool the air and relieve the overcharged atmosphere. The swollen brooks indicate that the snows are melting on the hills and spring is near. "Daughters of Jerusalem," said our Lord, "weep for yourselves and your children."

To bear sorrow with dry eyes and stolid heart may befit a Stoic, but not a Christian. We have no need to rebuke fond nature crying for its mate, its lost joy, the touch of the vanished hand, the sound of the voice that is still, provided only that the will is resigned. This is the one consideration for those who suffer. Is the will right? If it isn't, God Himself cannot comfort. If it is, then the path will inevitably lead from the valley of the shadow of death to the banqueting table and the overflowing cup.

Many say: "I can not feel resigned. It is bad enough to have my grief to bear, but I have this added trouble, that I can not feel resigned."

My invariable reply is: "You probably never can feel resignation, but you can will it."

The Lord Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, has shown us how to suffer. He chose His Father's will. Though Judas, prompted by Satan, was the instrument for mixing the cup and placing it to the Saviour's lips, He looked right beyond him to the Father, who permitted him to work his cruel way, and said: "The cup that My Father giveth Me to drink, shall I not drink it?" And He said repeatedly, "If this cup may not pass from Me, except I drink it, Thy will be done." He gave up His own way and will, saying, "I will Thy will, 0 My Father. Thy will, and not Mine, be done."

Let all sufferers who read these lines go apart and dare to say the same words: "Thy will, and not mine. Thy will be done in the earth of my life, as in the heaven of Thy purpose. I choose Thy will." Say this thoughtfully and deliberately, not because you can feel it, but because you will it; not because the way of the cross is pleasant, but because it must be right. Say it repeatedly, whenever the surge of pain sweeps through you, whenever the wound begins to bleed afresh. "Not my will, but Thine be done." Dare to say Yes to God. "Even so, Father, for so it seemeth good in Thy sight."

And so you will be led to feel that all is right and well. A great calm will settle down on your heart, a peace that passeth understanding, a sense of rest, which is not inconsistent with suffering, but walks in the midst of it as the three young men in the fiery furnace, to whom the burning coals must have been like the dewy grass of a forest glade.

"The doctor told us my little child was dying. I felt like a stone. But in a moment I seemed to give up my hold on her. She appeared no longer mine, but God's."

Be sure to learn God's lessons. Each sorrow carries at its heart a germ of holy truth, which if you get and sow in the soil of your heart will bear harvests of fruit, as seed corns from mummy cases fruit in English soil. God has a meaning in each blow of His chisel, each incision of His knife. He knows the way that He takes. But His object is not always clear to us.

In suffering and sorrow God touches the minor chords, develops the passive virtues, and opens to view the treasures of darkness, the constellations of promise, the rainbow of hope, the silver light of the covenant. What is character without sympathy, submission, patience, trust, and hope that grips the unseen as an anchor? But these graces are only possible through sorrow. Sorrow is a garden, the trees of which are laden with the peaceable fruits of righteousness; do not leave it without bringing them with you. Sorrow is a mine, the walls of which glisten with precious stones; be sure and do not retrace your steps into daylight without some specimens. Sorrow is a school. You are sent to sit on its hard benches and learn from its black lettered pages lessons which will make you wise forever; do not trifle away your chance of graduating there. Miss Havergal used to talk of "turned lessons ! "

Count on the afterward. God will not always be causing grief. He traverses the dull brown acres with His plough, seaming the yielding earth that He may be able to cast in the precious grain. Believe that in days of sorrow He is sowing light for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart. Look forward to the reaping. Anticipate the joy which is set before you, and shall flood your heart with minstrel notes when patience has had her perfect work.

You will live to recognize the wisdom of God's choice for you. You will one day see that the thing you wanted was only second best. You will be surprised to remember that you once nearly broke your heart and spilt the wine of your life for what would never have satisfied you if you had caught it, as the child the butterfly or soap bubble. You will meet again your beloved. You will have again your love. You will become possessed of a depth of character, a breadth of sympathy, a fund of patience, an ability to understand and help others, which, as you lay them at Christ's feet for Him to use, will make you glad that you were afflicted. You will see God's plan and purpose; you will reap His harvest; you will behold His face, and be satisfied. Each wound will have its pearl; each carcass will contain a swarm of bees; each foe, like Midian to Gideon, will yield its goodly spoil.

The way of the cross, rightly borne, is the only way to the everlasting light. The path that threads the Garden of Gethsemane, and climbs over the hill of Calvary, alone conducts to the visions of the Easter morning and the glories of the Ascension mount. If we will not drink of His cup, or be baptized with His baptism, or fill up that which is behind of His sufferings, we cannot expect to share in the joys of His espousals and the ecstasy of His triumph. But if these conditions are fulfilled, we shall not miss one note in the everlasting song, one element in the bliss that is possible to men.

Remember that somehow suffering rightly borne enriches and helps mankind. The death of Hallam was the birthday of Tennyson's "In Memoriam." The cloud of insanity that brooded over Cowper gave us the hymn, "God moves in a mysterious way." Milton's blunders taught him to sing of "Holy light, offspring of heaven's first born." Rist used to say, "The cross has pressed many songs out of me." And it is probable that none rightly suffer anywhere without contributing something to the alleviation of human grief, to the triumph of good over evil, of love over hate, and of light over darkness.

If you believe this, could you not bear to suffer? Is not the chief misery of all suffering its loneliness, and perhaps its apparent aimlessness? Then dare to believe that no man dieth to himself. Fall into the ground, bravely and cheerfully, to die. If you refuse this, you will abide alone; but if you yield to it, you will bear fruit which will sweeten the lot and strengthen the life of others who perhaps will never know your name, or stop to thank you for your help.


(((((Georgia Guy))))) May you feel God's comfort and His provision in this time of great trouble.
May you know that God sends His angels to surround you and your family...and to do battle with the minions of Satan. God IS in control. May you KNOW that all you need is faith that is so small as a "mustard seed" to stand for God and to accomplish His purpose. Your children should remind you of this...as God prepared them in their walk with Him....to "be there."

God bless.

GG- I have just caught up on your story and had to lend my support to you and your wonderful family.

FH's post was incredible. May we all learn to accept God's plan for us. I wish you strength in your own journey.

Good Afternoon -

Before I give my summation of my conversation with SH, let me say how much I appreciate the posts of each of you. (FH - that was truly wonderful.) Thanks to each of you for caring enough to follow this winding trail. Maybe I'll publish it someday (free autograph copy to each of you!).

From my conversation with Steve:

I need to assure that everyone who may be a part of this conversation agrees that infidelity is never right. Period. Yes, there may be some unmet needs, other issues....but, infidelity is never right. This may be or particular importance in dealing with her brother. I am concerned about his take on all this....he has some pretty liberal ideas. Steve suggested that I get his buy-in that "infidelity is always wrong".

Steve discussed EN's as "weaknesses" (his words) that we have. Those EN's must be met, and they should be met in a proper way. Each of us are responsible for guarding our EN's in such a way that they are not met inappropriately. This is, in his view, what has happened to my WW. She exposed her EN's to someone inappropriately, and now that they are being met inappropriately, she doesn't want to quit.

His concern for me, as she obviously brings up the "controlling" issue a lot (I'm a controlling H, etc.) is that I not appear controlling in any fashion. I need to shift my focus to my feelings, my pain. Instead of "I ask that you not contact OM from our home", I would say "The reason that I ask you not to contact him from our home is that it causes me great pain". If she continues to do so, I can communicate to her how much that hurts me when she does, but not make demands. The next time I hear about the idea of OM + OMW moving here, I could comment "That would really hurt me a lot, having OM here in our town (or our house!)".

Also, he said I need to start letting her know that I am convinced that we can have a better marriage than ever before. Statements like "You know, I've been reading lot of things, and I see where I may have not met all of your needs. This has really opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I see that we need to have a lifestyle of meeting needs, not just during times of crisis". However, I shouldn't ask for her concurrence, or make this a point of discussion, just let her know that I'm convinced we can have a great marriage, mutually enjoyable and with no regrets.

Steve suggested that I tell her that he is helping me understand ways to understand better things I could have done differently and what I need to be doing now....no matter what happens. With the emphasis on "no matter what happens". In other words, I'm working to make a better "me", not working to fix a broken marriage.

Along those lines, I am to tell her that Steve would like to talk to her to about ways that he can better understand her view of this issue. I can express to her that this would help him to help me, and ask if she will meet with him (without me).

Steve also feels it important that if others (even kids) ask how they can help, I am to tell them to do whatever they feel right doing, I just can't be a part of it. Others may even be able to educate her ("what you are doing is wrong.."), but I (H) cannot be a part of that discussion or I will be seen as controlling and manipulative.

Lastly, he has asked that I complete the LB questionnaire from the MB web-site as though I were her, and fax that to him for review before our next meeting.

I should say that all of the above is preparing the ground work for Plan B, should that become necessary. He also asked about exposure at school (where she works). It has not been exposed there, but that would be part of Plan B.

So, there is the basis for the plan as we go forward.

Let me be careful to say that these are the suggestions from Steve to me after only 1 session. I would use extreme caution in trying to apply this universally to all circumstances, however, obviously this all fits well with the basic MB concepts many of you here have been espousing for some time now.

I will continue to keep you appraised as we go forward, and will continue to solicit the thoughts / comments from each of you. However, I will carefully stay the course Steve has set me on and pray the desire results.

Georgia