Good Evening -

Mimi - The move to Plan B is precipitated by 2 factors.

1. My love for her is definitely beginning to wane. I told Steve that sometimes I feel life without her would be preferable to life with her. He said this is classic of the beginning of the quick transition from apathy (me), to disdain, to hatred. Noted that these stages make recovery much less likely as neither partner has the desire to save the M. He asked my time frame, I told him I would like to wait through Christmas. He said that was too long, much could get worse in a month. He prefers 1 week or less, if possible.

2. Plan A seems to be futile as no matter my attempts at such, she seems to be in a progressively worsening state of fog and denial. In other words, Plan A is without (much) hope at this point.

I did, in fact, tell SH about PA.

WOF5 - Please understand that I hardly qualify to dispense advice after only 2 sessions with SH, but your post begs me to address an issue that I think you need to hear.

In both sessions, SH made several references to WW being wholly responsible for the affair. He said something to the effect that, yes, you may not have met ALL of her needs, so whose fault is it that she is having an affair? He waited on me to answer, this was not rhetorical. Again and again, he drove that point home.

I might add that none of us have been perfect spouses. If you made the comment "we still can not take complete responsbility" to SH, I THINK he would say that we take NO responsibility. Yes, we may have contributed to the ripening of conditions, but our spouse bears full responsibility for their actions. I would ask that you take that to heart, it sounds like you are still beating yourself up over this. I don't think SH would approve of that.

"GG you are willing to take on the hard work needed to make things better"

I am positioned to do that only because I had a select handful of folks on this board who directed me in the right way when I would have botched it all long ago. I will be forever in their debt.

"I will advise her that we will speak again when we can look at options for our marriage and you not hurting me anymore."

This phrase was hand-crafted by SH. I think it speaks volumes by itself.

I've got a lot to do in the next week. An appt with PCP tomorrow at 11:00 AM. I will need to schedule an appt with an attorney. And...I've got a Plan B letter to write.

I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks for your posts and prayers.

Georgia

Hi, Georgia.

I am truly sorry to add to your load, but I have a concern about your wife.

A few of your comments about her over-the-top behavior had thrown up a few flags for me, but nothing I could really address. In some of your latest comments, the mention of your wife's use of antidepressants and the pains she is having filled in the picture.

I think that your wife may be having a bipolar manic episode.

Briefly, here's why my flags are up.

- The incorporation of religious justification of her actions.

- The use of antidepressants (a known manic trigger for people with undiagnosed bipolar disorder).

- Unexplained pains - similar to what one might experience with fibromyalgia, which is often diagnosed in bipolar persons.

There are a number of other subtle 'hints' from posts about your wife that would indicate a potential problem with bipolar disorder.

In many areas of the US, it is possible to commit a spouse to a psychiatric facility for screening for up to 72 hours, without their consent.

I certainly don't want to add to the complexity of what you are dealing with. I would normally just keep this kind of thing to myself. In your case my warning bells are going off and I felt I should speak up. I sincerely hope that I am wrong, and if so, I am very sorry for the added load on a man that is already pulling a heavy one.

Having said that, please consider enlisting the help of a professional in evaluating your wife before you distance yourself from her via plan B. It may be that she doesn't know that she is 'gone', especially if she is indeed an undiagnosed bipolar.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble -

Thank you so much for your comments and insight.

I will allow her physician, who I will be seeing later this morning, to address any of those concerns. Obviously, I am unqualified to do so.

I will post here what her PCP thinks appropriate (if anything) in response to these various symptoms.

Regards -

Georgia

Good Morning, all....

I visited my PCP yesterday and I'm now on an AD (Lexapro). I understand this takes a while to get full effect. It was also discovered that my blood pressure was significantly elevated (first time for this), so I was put on blood pressure med also. Dr. said this may well be due to the stress of the situation.

I talked to dr. about WW at length. He said that will be useful info for him to use with his questions if she will call him to talk. I've got to try to convince her to call dr., I've not done that yet. Won't be easy.

WW's mom called last night and left a message while we were out. To my surprise, WW called her back from the privacy of "her" room. I don't know how the conversation went. Her Dad called Thanksgiving day, but WW wouldn't talk to him.

Continuing with my planning for Plan B, which I hope to have in place by next weekend.

BTW- WW is acting really odd, kind of a combination of depressed and beligerent. I think she's sensing that this thing has gone a lot further than she expected. Any meaningful communication between us is basically shut down. No longer any phone calls, no morning hugs and kisses, no anything. Just kind of bleak existance.

It seems like once she moved out of our bedroom, things really spiraled quickly downward.

Thanks to all for your posts and prayers.

Georgia

Update -

I had a brief discussion with WW that Steve would really like to talk to her. This would help him understand the issues with me....etc.

Not only did she say "NO", this really lit a fuse. She thought my talking to SH was a waste of money, but "seems like I've always got money to do what I want to do...etc."

That rolled immediately into how she didn't finish college because she stayed home to raise a family, so now she can't even support herself. She supposes she could have been like other mom who left their kids so they could go back to school, etc. She got up and stormed off.

In other words, I don't think she is open to a meeting with SH right now.

Next stop....Rheumatologist. Rheu. office is in a large hospital, and I'm having a hard time getting past the "scheduler". Currently the next appt. is in March. I'm trying to get a nurse in the office to return my call (not the PA, Mimi).

Georgia

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Hi Georgia:

Thanks for the update.

I used the ruse that Steve was helping ME become a better wife. This may my WH less defensive about talking with Steve. He was only willing to talk wtih Steve twice but both of those times were extremely helpful in the long run.

Keep Moving Onward!!!!

Hi Mimi -

Thanks for responding, I was beginning to feel abandoned by all the MB folks. Does no one want to talk once you head toward Plan B?

On top of that, this AD stuff is for the birds if this is the way it's going to make me feel. Man, am I depressed, not like me at all.

Okay, I did the "Steve is helping me with my issues stuff" to the max. Really played it up several times since last week. There has been no hint that he want to discuss the EA or her actions. She even told me Tuesday that I seemed calmer after my session. I told her I thought he was really helping me a lot.

Mimi..I don't know what's going on in her mind. Her demeanor has really crashed, I wonder if she and OM are cooking up a scheme of some sort. She's not herself at all. Almost despondent.

Any ideas on what's in her head?

Georgia

GG,

I am taking Lexapro too, PLEASE give it at least 2 weeks, it will make you feel REALLY weird at first, but that goes away when enough is built up in your system.

As far as your WW's belligerance, I read into it that she is making plans to move out and be on her own and is realizing she won't make enough of an income to support herself.

Time for a talk with her...

"We need to talk. I'm sensing you want to move out but overwhelmed by the expenses and work it will take. What are your plans? What do you want to do? Do you want to leagally separate so we can separate our expenses?"

Her blasting you about not going to college sounds to me like she is frustrated about her future income-producing situtation. She is slowly trying to get away to continue her A. You can 'help' her without enabling the A. Do NOT offer any monetary help, but you can suggest she move in with family or look for a place looking for a roommate. Do NOT offer to move out, ever...
Be logical, don't get your emotions involved, pretend you are talking with a friend that may not be making the right decision in your eyes, but it is their life...

This does NOT have to be the end. I asked my FWH to leave, and he was out the door the next day, staying in a friends run-down 1 bedroom apt. It was a sh&%hole and depressing. It accomplished showing him what life would be like after a D, and was a stark contrast against our happy, warm home with kiddos toys and all the amenities. When the kids visited Dad, they were bored, and it was not safe...he couldn't even bring his OW there...

Having them leave makes Plan B SOOOOooooo much easier.

StillHere..it's so nice to hear from you.

I'm not going to quit the Lexapro. Dr. said I may need to 1/2 dose for a few days if I had problems. This, coupled with the blood pressure med (which may cause drowsiness), I got the best nights sleep I've had in months. Thinking of turning to drugs as a new way of life (and grow my hair long again)..okay, just kidding.

My friend Mimi set me straight on that moving out of my home thing....that's set in stone. I don't want an unemployed bum living in my home, with my wife, at my expense.

I do think that she is thinking a great deal about how to survive without me. When your dream man is unemployed, that really presents problems, doesn't it? Mimi had me have the Columbo discussion (complete with London Fog..) about..."gee, I dunno..how will you afford to live?".

Anyway, I think we've covered that ground. Heading to Plan B as carefully and analytically as possible. It would be better if she would move out, but I don' think it will happen (unless she goes to OM, which is very possible). Like your situation, OM lives (with Mrs. OM) in a small apartment.

I've not spoke about this, but I've been trying to keep our home clean, clutter free, with soft music playing all the time. Christmas tree is up and decorated...a peaceful place, indeed.

Thanks for the post, I appreciate it.

Georgia

I'm running out now. Check out my PLAN B post on STILL PROCESSING's THREAD.

I will check back with you later.

GG,
I'm so happy to see you moving forward and taking a proactive attitude in your situation. You are getting wonderful advice and insight from Mimi and StillHere. Your sessions with SH really seem to be helping you. Something for me to personally consider... BTW, I take Lexapro and it is a lifesaver. Hang in there!

Georgia,

I'm speculating, but I suspect that your WW increasing negativity has to do with the "new you". Meaning that you're holding her accountable for her behavior, and in a sense spoiling her fun with OM....she has to be feeling guilt because of the pain your effective communication is causing her. Meaning when you tell her how her behavior causes you pain.

Bottom line here is her fantasy is starting to crumble and there's some grief she's feeling over it. I think it's more important now than ever to stick to your plan.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

GG-
I follow you constantly, even when I don't post.
I, too, was on Lexapro. I rememeber well the day I pulled off to the side of the road, and called my siser. I was sobbing desperatley. Didn;t wnat to go on another day. She picked me up and took me to her Dr, and told her what was going on. the Dr prscribed Lexapro, and Ambien to sleep. Then my sister took me right directly to the pharmacy to start the meds right away. It did take a couple of days to start feeling better, but I am so glad that I took them. It didn't make me "happy" but made it much easier to get through the daily grind.
I am no longer on the medication, I only needed it for about 6 months. In fact, just the other day I ran across the old bottle with about 6 pills left, and threw them away.

GG - I want to share something with you that has been on my mind. I fully agree with SH's reasoning behind your move to plan B. I have hesitated to say anything, just because I AM NO EXPERT! I don't know if you have read my sig line - but I am divorced. Have been for a year now. I remember well the point at which I started to feel like "I don't really need him - I am fully capable of taking care of myself, and I am tired of working so hard at this, only to have him say such horrible things"
In the end - I am the one who filed.
I do not regret that. I am NOT suggesting to you, for even one minute, that you should file for a D. I am just saying that once you start to have those thoughts, about how you would be fine by yourself, and how nice it would be to come home and no longer have such tension in your home, your love bank will start to deplete QUICKLY.
You will start to say to yourself "I am depressed, and I want to get out of my depression, and I don't think I can get out of it as long as this alien keeps dragging me down, and hell, she doesn't appreciate me anyway."
This is a vey difficult time of year to go through this. But SH is 100% correct - your love bank will over draw quickly if you have to continue to hear stuff like "it is all your fault I never finished college, didn't work, can't support myself, etc."
That is all crap - we all know it. Someday, she will know it too.
In my case, my WxH kept telling me he couldn't wait to "be rid of me" so he could marry the OW. He said that God must have planned for them to be together, that he never should have married me. That he now realizes he was supposed to wait until he met her, and then get married. He was 42 when he met her - and he honestly thought he was supposed to wait until he met her. As if he could have waited. That man can not stand to be alone for one single day.

My divorce was final last December. By March my WxH and OW had separated. By May she had taken out a restarting order against him. He no longer sees her, or talks to her. So much for marrying her as soon as he could.

But I have no love left for him at all. I got so tired of hearing him say such awful things to me - it destroyed any love I had for him.

We have had several open conversations lately, and sure enough, he does not even remember all the crappy things he said. No recollection at all. Everything you hear about the "fog" is true.

I also suspect - as do so many others - that your wife has a serious medical problem that is contributing to her current state of mind.

You say she has been despondent lately - IMO that is not a sign of her making plans to move with him. If she were making plans to be with him, she would be in a good mood, anticipating being together. She would be thinking "soon I will be with him, and now we even have a plan"

I think she is starting to realize that she will never have a plan to be with him, that it is a stupid idea, and doomed to failure. He may be pressing her - and she may realize now that the current status quo can not continue.

I honestly think that this man is after money and/or citizenship. Period. He is likely getting tired of living in an apartment with his wife, and he wants your wife to figure out a way to support him. That is probably why she is even more upset - because he is pushing her to get them set up on easy street, and she can not figure out a way.

You are doing everything right. I know you are tired of hearing that - but its true. Cozy home, music, Christmas decorations. perfect. Keep it up.

Hang in there with the AD's.

May the Peace that passes all understanding wash over you today, and fill you with the Holy Spirit.

Good Evening, to all...

First, let me thank all of you who came out of the woods to respond today. I was indeed feeling a bit forlorn and forsaken. Much may have been due to that terrible Lexapro feeling which, by the way, has now passed. We'll do 1/2 pill for a day or so. Actually, I'm feeling quite calm tonight, and that may be as a result, I don't know.

Has anybody other than me noticed that I'm the only guy in the MLC women's Lexapro fan club? Hey, real guys need AD's, too.

I'm in the mood to write, so proceed with caution.

StillHere - Yes, I know it's not the end. Thanks for the story contrasting your home verses what the OW had to offer. Amazing, isn't it? I still have to wander if both OMW + WW would both work to support OM, or if WW + OM would stay home all day and let OMW support them both.

Mimi - I read your Plan B post. I've copied it into Word and will refer to it as I write mine. Not sure if I still want to meet SH again before implementing. What do you think? Not sure I see a purpose right now. BTW - I've set next Friday as D-day. Think I'll do it, then leave for the night, maybe go spend the night with one of the boys.

Also, I'm not feeling really good about making any med progress. Talked to WW about my conversation with PCP, he would like to talk to her, etc. She looked at me kinda bewildered, like, why would I want to talk to him?

TNbelle - Thanks for the kind words, you are always encouraging.

Csue - You can't be married to someone for 28 years and not understand their mind at least to some degree. I think WW is sensing that not only is the A bubble bursting, but the M bubble is bursting also. I can't muster the feelings / attitudes that I had even 2 weeks ago, she can sense this. Tonight I started getting the "perfect wife" routine again. Made me a pot of coffee, served chocolate cake, etc. So kind.....so cheery. And, right now in another bedroom with the door closed, very likely on the phone with OM. Sorry, I'm not for sale anymore.

WOF5 - Much to say to you.

Every time I read your posts, I feel such pain for you. My kids are grown, and you've got 2 teenagers to raise by yourself. Not an easy task for anyone. I can only pray for you that your kids will be the blessing mine have been to me, but even they required diligence during those teenage years. Your burden is very heavy, indeed.

Couple that with the things your H said to you, and I know you must have endured unbearable pain. I hope you took to heart the things I said to YOU in my earlier post. You're a Godly woman, you XH is a fool to not see his Proverbs 31 wife. Were you perfect? Of course not, so what? Your kids are fortunate to have you for a mom, too bad their dad will miss the greatest blessing that God can bestow on a man (that of a Godly wife and family). It was his choice, he chose unwisely.

So what I'm going to say, I know you understand. I'm not sure others do, and some will probably rightly chide me for this, and I don't blame them.

I'm having a really hard time thinking of my Plan B as a way to get her back. I'm looking forward to it immensely, but yet when I think of each night that I usually spend with her, I fear the loneliness to come. I have been amazed at the rapidity at which my feelings for her have changed. Some would say that this may demonstrate I never really loved her, but I disagree. I think that she finally, finally pushed me just too far. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with her. This isn't something that tomorrow I will feel different about. It's like everyday I find that I'm emotionally further from her than the day before, by a LONG way. Is it too late, because of my feelings? I hope not, but I think a breather from her can only do me good at this point.

Isn't it incredible, the "God told me..." thing? I know you and I discussed that earlier. Man, what a lie Satan will tell folks who are wanting to hear it. In the case of OM, God has communicated this to him as well, and he's not even a Christian. Strange how God has put them together. The really, really sad part of that, it was WW that first convicted me of my sin. Were it not for her, I would be a considerably different man today. What a paradox.

I have noticed your d-day, and I've thought about how hard Christmas will be for you and your kids. I don't know what I will be doing, way to early to tell.

Anyway, your situation really gets to me, I'm so sorry for your pain and having to raise those kids by yourself. Just whatever, you do...remain a Woman of Faith.

Georgia.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Good Morning, Georgia:

Being accountable, I want to let you know that H and I will be leaving tomorrow to go on vacation. I won't be back online until Thursday just prior to your PLAN B day. I will be celebrating the BIG 50 tomorrow. Although I'm well into ML, I feel great about myself and my relationship. I feel even better than I did at 40! There's hope!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> don't know what's going on in her mind. Her demeanor has really crashed, I wonder if she and OM are cooking up a scheme of some sort. She's not herself at all. Almost despondent.

Any ideas on what's in her head?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't try to hazard a guess about what's going on in her head. Don't go there! Whatever is going on is foggy, devious and aimed at getting together with the drug dealer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure if I still want to meet SH again before implementing. What do you think? Not sure I see a purpose right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I personally relied on Steve, at different crucial points, to tell me EXACTLY what to do. It depends on whether you want him to help you with the technical details of your PLAN. I well-understand your tentativeness. Talking to him does get expensive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talked to WW about my conversation with PCP, he would like to talk to her, etc. She looked at me kinda bewildered, like, why would I want to talk to him?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm getting disgusted with her. She is so much in the fog!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm having a really hard time thinking of my Plan B as a way to get her back. I'm looking forward to it immensely, but yet when I think of each night that I usually spend with her, I fear the loneliness to come. I have been amazed at the rapidity at which my feelings for her have changed. Some would say that this may demonstrate I never really loved her, but I disagree. I think that she finally, finally pushed me just too far. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with her. This isn't something that tomorrow I will feel different about. It's like everyday I find that I'm emotionally further from her than the day before, by a LONG way. Is it too late, because of my feelings? I hope not, but I think a breather from her can only do me good at this point.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some of my PLAN B thoughts in reference to your statement above.... Anticipate loneliness. I'm glad that you have the ADs. I took them, too. After being with someone for all of your adult life, being truly by yourself can be scary. However, I came to know and would tell myself that it would be the only way that I would get my H back. That proved to be true. Logically, it doesn't make sense that I had to give him away to get him back but it follows that theory, "if you love someone, set him/her free... and he/she will come back....

Sounds like to me that, in accordance with the MB theory, you're beginning the PLAN B process of putting your love for her in a safe place until you are able to access it again. MORTARMAN, who seems to no longer be on this forum, counseled me throughout MY PLAN B. See if you can search out his posts to me around June-August 03. I think that his understanding of PLAN B is excellent. Plus, you may find him helpful to you since he is a man with a WW who returned home after his PLAN B.

Check in with me today if you can since I will be leaving early tomorrow.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Good Morning, Mimi...

I'll be back with you later with more. Thank you so much for your comments this morning.

I was anticipating some chastisement from you over my readiness for Plan B. The last time you (very rightfully) motivated me back to the Plan A horse, I knew then that Plan A was over and Plan B was at hand. I was encouraged last night to ready WOF's comments, I know what she is talking about.

"I'm getting disgusted with her. She is so much in the fog!!!

Imagine how I feel.

Anyway, more thoughts for you later today. Please communicate with me later today if you can.

BTW - An EXCELLENT night's sleep last night!! Went to bed a little late, but slept soundly. Lexapro ain't so bad after all.

Georgia

One more thing (for all). I sent a summary of the SH session to both boys via e-mail, and then called them to discuss it.

Below is a copy of the e-mail I received from #1 Son. This kind of love and support is what is going to make my Plan B a success (only changes are names in parenthesis):

Thanks for the update.

I think it is good to deal with the medical stuff asap. I doubt if the physician will talk to you very much about her condition, but let me know what you find out.

As far as Plan B/separation, I'm not quite sure what an "in house separation" is. Unless this is some new device that Dr. Harley has contrived and that I don't understand, I don't think an "in house" separation will accomplish anything -- it seems like more of a threat than actual action that could lead to change, and it seems like it would just prolong things unnecessarily. If Harley has some plan here that would actually work I'd be interested to hear the details at the appropriate time.

I know that a full separation (with one of you moving out) would be very traumatic for everyone involved, but don't let concern for us ("the kids") influence your decision to do that if it's what needs to be done. (DIL) and I understand that it may take something drastic and very painful before things will get better. I think (#2 SON) and (#2 DIL) would understand it this way, too, and I've tried to express to them that I expect something drastic (such as separation) to occur, and that in the end this will prove to be a positive step towards reconciliation.

So if it comes to Plan B, don't hesitate to do what Harley recommends, whether it's in-house or out-of-house separation. I think in this case separation is biblically justifiable and would be supported by the rest of the family. I know you're worried about what GM & GD would think. (DIL) and I will do everything we can to reassure and console them if something big happens and they have to find out. (If they do have to find out, we'll even be the ones to tell them if you want us to.) I'm almost certain Nana & Papa would support whatever version of Plan B you deem to be appropriate.

It sounds like Harley is giving you good counsel. I'm glad he takes the approach that whatever is done is done with the end goal of reconciliation in the marriage. When will you talk to him next?

I love you and we are praying for both of you.

~ (#1 SON)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mimi:

I had noted that tomorrow is your birthday, and it’s THE BIG ONE at that!!

You have demonstrated that the great feeling you have about yourself and your relationship is, indeed, well-founded.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIMI!!!!!

Now, on to the business at hand. I am beginning to try to think of diversions to keep myself busy, but productively so. There are some ideas, no need to go into them now. However, #1 son + DIL have offered dinner at their place once a week. (Reminder – they live about 1 hour from here). Truth is, I’m probably much like WOF’s XH in that maybe I really do fear being alone (I’ve not tried it in a long time). All the folks here help fill that need very much in my life, and I hope this will continue to be true in the future. I hope in some small way, my posts have helped others.

I will use your comments, as well as a Plan B letter that I got from the board, to serve as a template for mine. I hope that upon your return, you will be able to take time to review and comment. I had hoped to do this sooner in the week, but it looks like I’ll be making a 1 day trip to TX on Wednesday, so I’d like to get that out of the way first. I can do it Friday and disappear for a couple of days before returning and having to be back at work. So Friday makes the most sense.

One of WW’s complaints to me has been that she has “no freedom”. I tried the “acceptance” approach before MB (and you). I see now how stupid I was to do that. That wasn’t freedom, that was “enabling”. My Plan B will be for her “freedom”.

I know that you and FWH will have a great time together on your vacation. I had saved my FF miles and had enough for both WW & I to go to Hawaii in the spring, but those got spent on the Canadian trip from Hell instead. Someday, I look forward to those trips together again, some of the most enjoyable times of our M.

Enjoy –

Georgia

P.S. – You’re 50 now, so be careful with that “rodeo” stuff on this trip! You could get hurt.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

All right - I have a confession to make. I can't keep this secret any longer. I am actaully doing very well now, and really looking forward to Christmas!
There, I said it.
I may have to come back and edit my post later, as it is not approriate within this thread, but I wanted to give you my update.
I have hesitated to let you know where I am at now - because I AM NOT ENCOURAGEING YOU TO "MOVE ON" as I have. Your battle is not over - by a long shot.
But when I hear that you are worried about me, I just have to set the record straight.
I met a wonderfull man about 3 months ago. He treats me like a queen, has a very kind heart, and is good with my boys. We are looking forward to spending Christmas together. We pray together, read scripture together, all the wonderfull things I had hoped to share with a man. This never happned with my ex.
Even before this man came into my life the boys and I had made a nice home,and a nice life for ourselves. We no longer had to tolerate my ex's moods, his swearing, his porn. We play Christian music in the house, we sometimes do crazy things like drive to Jack-In-The-Box at midnight for fries.
My oldest is becoming a might young man of God. Truly a blessing. Even he recognizes the presence of Satan in his dad. He once said to me "Dad failed to put on the full aromor of God, which allowed satan to get in and eventually take over his life." Wow.
He has stood up in church and shared his testimony, in fornt of at least 100 people. His experience has made him bold.

Enough of that - I feel bad for even sharing all that with you. Please do not let any of this news put you even further into the "might be better off without her" mode.

Now - I will share something else with you that is more encouraging.
WxH did make an attmept to reconcile with me at one point. After he and OW were completely over, he did not come running back, but he began to come out of the fog. He started to talk like a human again. he would offer to stop by and help me out around the house. He spent more time with the boys. One day he said "I miss my family, I want to get back together". At first I thought "yuck - no way" but I decided to keep an open mind. After all, it would be good for the boys. (our D was final at this point).
So I told him:
I will consider a reconcilliation with you, but first you need to:
1. Get counseling by yourself, and also with me.
2. Get rid of all porn
3. Quit talking to other women. (he had a few "women friends" he would talk to/email on a regular basis.I now realize he was talking about things he was unhappy with in our M, and they would say "oh you poor baby, you deserve better".) I told him that if he needed a woman to talk to - it should be me. That to continue to talk to other women would only lead to another A.

At first he agreed to all terms.
He called me several times a day just to talk, and I actually started to have feelings for him again! After a few days, I even woke up one morning and realized I was starting to fall for him again! I praised God!

After a couple of weeks though, he still had not scheduled a counseling appointment, and I could tell he was getting calls from other women on his cell. I asked him "when are you starting cousneling?" He said he felt like he didn't need it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I said "you are still talking to other women, I asked you to stop." He said "well, I am not sure that you are 100% committed to me yet, so I have to keep my options open. If you were to tell me that you were 100% committed to me THEN I would stop calling these women. But meanwhile I need to keep my options open <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Yes - he actually said that.
So I said "never mind. You do not want ME you want a woman, any woman, and you just have me on your list of avialable, single women."
He said "you are right - I hate being alone - I need someone in my life"
So I told him to "please take me off your list of avialable women" and he said OK.

I share that story with you simply to tell you that you CAN start to have feelings again. When he reached the point where he was saying "I made a mistake with OW" and actually showed some effort in my direction, I actaully started to feel like I could love him again. Truly.

In my case, he started to show his bad side again, right away, and then I knew I really could move on. All of this happened within about a 2 week period, this past May.

You can get feelings back for her. Later. After that jerk is finally gone. But it won't happen for you right now. it does not mean that you never loved her. You did love her. the woman she was before. That is who you loved, and that is who you can love again. You just aren't seeing that woman right now.

I want to say one more thing here - a huge difference between our WS's - yours was/is a bright woman. I would not say that about my ex. I have always said that he is not that bright - and socially immature. That is why he was stupid enough to say "I need to keep my options open" What kind of idiot says something like that?

I do not want you to use any of my story as your excuse to "move on with your life". You are not there yet.
Ok - I am going to end with one of my favorite verses. This is in James 5:19-20:

"My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."

Please think about that.

Georgia:

Thank-you so much for your kind words and well-wishes. I'm having to convince myself that it is a big deal to be turning 50. As I keep saying, I really do feel good and people keep telling me "You don't look or act like you're 50" as if 50 is supposedly a bad thing. My grandmother, who lived to be 94, didn't think that she was "old" at age 90. I'm from "good stock"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As I've said before, I found it scary and awful to be alone. I tried different pasttimes. Some things worked and some things different. I found that I was unable to read or to look at TV. I'm just now able to do these things again and I am thankful for that. I picked up flower gardening which what my FWH likes to do. He noticed when doing his "drivebys" during PLAN B that I had planted flowers in our yard. He was impressed and shocked. Now we do this together. I also tried to take a photography class and joined a book group. I only went to one of each of those sessions. However, I continue to enjoy photograpy. So you see, I understand the need to fill the time. My married friends and church members seemed intimidated by my new status; maybe had to take a look at themselves without the rose-colored glasses since we were seen as the perfect couple. That has been a loss but we are making new friends. So life does go on, Georgia although it may not feel like it at first. Your children and their wives seem to be wonderful sources of support. Our boys continue to be in the midst of their adolescent struggles so that has been additional stressor for "me/us" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . That is going well, BTW, with my "coaxing" as you suggested and my FWH taking more than "baby steps" with "our" sons.

Yes, pay special attention to what you say in your letter. I did not post mine here because of real personal stuff. However, it really needs to be a love letter in which you recall special memories that you hold dear about her and what you want back in your relationship. My FWH remembered almost exactly what I said in that letter verbatim and repeated it back to me when he was negotiating his way back home. It was like the breadcrumbs in Hansel and Gretel as he was making his way back.

You've also helped me more than you know.

Stay out of the fog!!!!