WOF -

And I was having such fun feeling sorry for you!!!
Believe me, I am very glad that you are doing well, and that will have no impact on my direction at this time. My course is already set.

There is certainly no need in aplogizing for anything. I understand your reluctance to post this, edit if you wish. No family should have to endure the type of issues that you have brought up from you XH. I remember hearing once that being the head of the household does not authorize a man to knowingly bring sin into it. Funny how those things that men sometime see as "fulfilling" can so quickly lead to their downfall, isn't it? (Re: Proverbs 7).

Congrats on your son's direction. It was such a blessing watching our boys grow up. They were always fine young men. If I didn't have all this other stuff going on, I'd find time to have a mid-life crisis over them leaving home. Maybe later....

I don't think I've mentioned here that they are actually next door neighbors now. The school that they attend has a trailer park for married students. When #2 got married (August), the only trailer avabible "just happened" to be right next door to his brother. Working out wonderfully, they've always been best friends. Now the girls are getting to know and love each other.

WOF - This is the nugget of hope that I get from your story. I AM NOT more highly motivated to "move on" because I've heard about your happiness. However, I'm kinda scaring myself with my feelings about WW right now. If my desk phone rings and it's an outside line, I have this sinking feeling that it might be her. It was less than a month ago that the same phone call would bring anxious anticipation to hear her voice. I know it's rotten, but it's true.

So...I'm encouraged that this can be turned around. I guess I already knew that, but I wonder to myself if I have waited too long and tolerated too much. Things have been said that will tax my ability to forgive.

I've not said much on this forum about her 1st EA. She still gets mad about the loss of that one and says it was because I'm such a jealous H. The OM says he got tired of her trying to contol him like he WAS her husband. The point being, this has been a lifestyle for about 4 years for her...minus the one year between end of #1 and start of #2.

And, during that one year break, we had probably the most fun together we'd ever had. She was genuinely happy and fulfilled. Now, when I mention that, she says it was just my imagination, she's not been happy since she married me, etc. I know...fog.

I've not fully gone through my conditions yet, but I know the first one would be "no secret passwords". I still remember well the day I found out her e-mail acct was password protected. That was the beginning of EA #1. No more secrets...that's not a marriage.

While I'm rambling...

earlier this week, WW and I were near where I work one evening. She started making some excuse about coming to my office to help me with some Outlook problems I've been having. I told her IT would take care of it, don't worry about it. She persisted about wanting to "help". I finally realized this was her way to check out my work computer. So, we came here late that night, she hovered over me while I logged on, and she continued to scour every file on my computer. Went through my contact lists, in/out box, personal folders, everything. Asked me about any e-mail address that had a woman's name attached to it. After about an hour, she had given up on "fixing" my Outlook. When we were out in the parking lot, I said, "well, are you satisfied with your inventory of my computer?". She denied that's what she was doing. Funny isn't it? She sits up all night on the phone with another man, then tries to find my hidden "affair".

And, she just now called me. Asked how I was feeling and if the Lexapro was helping me think any more rationally yet. Translation: do you now understand that it is okay what I am doing with OM?

I don't know if I can wait until next Friday. I may just go running downt he street screaming when I get home.

I get your drift on the verse, very powerful indeed. I do feel for her, really I do. It is indeed very possible she has serious med complications that will get A LOT worse. Not long ago, I would have committed the rest of my life to care for her, no questions asked. But right now, self-preservation seems to have taken over.

Thanks for your post, WOF. I am happy for you, and you have encouraged me with your story.

Georgia

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Thanks, Mimi...

You've hit my "words of affirmation" right between the eyes (in a good & proper way) with your comment:

"You've also helped me more than you know."

Dust was accumulating in my praise bucket. I needed that VERY MUCH. Thanks.

I know you and FWH will have a wonderful time together, because you (plural) have prepared well for it. Enjoy what you deserve, I'll be ready for your one day of guidance when you get back.

Georgia.

BTW - Photography is one of my interests as well, maybe about to be more so...Also, pottery classes (Tuesdy nights) may be on the way.

Ok, the story about her "fixing" your email had me rolling on the floor laughing my butt off.
How transparent.

Something my former brother in law said to me once (this is WxH's brother)
He said "what my brother doesn't realize is that ultimately, OW, is just a woman. Just like his wife. She is not some perfect gift from heaven, she is just another woamn. And ultimately he will figure that out, and then he will have to work on that relationship just like he should have worked on this one. No different. Only by then he will have lost his friends, family, home, and self respect.

It seems so simple - but ultimately, that is what it all comes down to. I am just a woman. You are just a man. Your WW is just a woman. None of us were created to be any better, or any worse. We just are what we are. We can either work on this realtionhsip, or we can work on the next one, but the bottom line is that we will have to work on any relationship.

I guess at this point I am hoping that your WW gets the chance to see this A all the way through. Get to the point where she realizes he is just another man. And then realzies that he is just another man who is a jerk for the way he has treated his own wife (why doesn't that ever bother any of them?)
She needs to follow this one all the way through to the end. I don't mean that they need to get into a PA, but I would at least like for her to get to the point where she sees him for what he is.
I will say one thing for her - at least she occasionally puts on the perfect wife act. My WxH never did that.
And by the way - you have helped me as well. At this point I sometimes feel guitly. My life is so full, and so blessed. WxH's life is not so good. He is miserable, and tries to drag me down with him. Every month he complains about the amount of child support, and how broke he always is, and couldn't I please lower the support for him. I have moments when I feel sorry for him - sort of like you would a brother who kept screwing up, but you figure he is still your brother so you feel sorry for him.
But when you say things like "you have been through so much" and "it isn't easy to raise 2 teenage boys alone" I remember that I don't need to feel too sorry for him.

Take good care of yourself this weekend.

I probably won't log on this weekend - I think we may be shopping for diamonds this weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks, WOF-

Man, my praise bucket is getting back up to where it needs to be!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You had BETTER let us know about the diamond situation ASAP.

Georgia.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW - Photography is one of my interests as well, maybe about to be more so...Also, pottery classes (Tuesdy nights) may be on the way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi GG. I've just been lurking about following your saga. First things first, though. I am so thankful that you have two sons who are that "strong in the Lord." Sounds very much like my own two sons and how they reacted to "d-day." God has blessed you with many "angels" and you have "trained them up" in the Lord quite well. God will also use them to help you and your wife, of that I am certain.

Now, on to your quotation above: You might be interested in getting a video I got "way back when." It's called "Michael & Pam Rozell Live".

www.pottersfield.org is where you can get it if you'd like to have it.

It's about a 90 minute video of their testimony.

Michael is a Potter and Pam is a Singer.

"Pure Word...delivered through vessels who have been broken and molded in the Potter's Hand" (Pastor Bob Coy, Calvary Chapel, Ft. Lauderdale, FL)

With your expressed interest in Photographic visuals and pottery, I thought you might really enjoy their testimony. (yes, there was an affair involved)

God bless.

Thanks, FH -

I kinda figured you were lurking around back there somewhere.

Glad to decided to pop back up.

Kids can indeed be a blessing, can't they?

An update for everyone:

WW is sobbing around the house today. Tells me that OM has broken off the relationship, and she's devasted. You may remember it's been about 2 weeks since the last time the OM broke off the relationship and she was devasted.

Doesn't change a thing...PLAN B planning is continueing.

Georgia

GG - Interesting development.

Any idea why the OM has broken off contact?

I suspect that his wife, as you found out, is NOT comfortable with his relationship with your wife and is "fighting." I'm betting he's been getting a dose of "choose your own marriage or the wife of someone else, but choose because I'm not waiting around any longer."

Have you had any contact with the OM's wife since the "trip?"

GG, I'm not going to tell you to stop the Plan B planning, but I am going to ask you to think about whether or not it's appropriate at this time. The purpose of both Plan A and Plan B is to "end the affair." It would seem that it is ending and your wife is going to be dealing with withdrawal. If so, remember that during withdrawal nothing you do will seem to "register" with your wife. All you can do is to be as supportive as you can so that when the withdrawal begins to end it's most intense phase she will begin to realize all that you have been doing....especially the enduring and not "kicking her to the curb."

It's a hard time to go through for you especially when you are trying to love and support her while she is "grieving" over some other man. If you get to feeling "wrung out," be sure to post here for some support. That is, after all, what friends do, especially those who have been where you are currently are at.

God bless.

BTW, Pam Rozell is a former Miss Georgia. Interesting how small the world really is, isn't it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Evening, FH -

On the "small world" issue, the parents of this past year's Miss Georgia are good friends of ours, in SS class.

Now, to sound like I have no heart.

This thing of "it's over" is nothing new. This is the 4th time (that I can remember) that we've been through this ruse. I put absolutely no confidence in it. I think it's just another way that he has found to manipulate her emotions.

Plan B is still on with full force.

However, I appreciate you commenting. I hope you can trust that I am making the right decision.

BTW - Even though it's "over", she's still in "her" bedroom with the door closed tonight.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I appreciate you commenting. I hope you can trust that I am making the right decision.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GG, you have all the "input," all the information, while all we have is what is written. So of course I trust you are making the right decision. There is NO "right" decision in all of this when what you are trying to do is get the affair to end so that you CAN both begin to choose "rightly" and begin to recover your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW - Even though it's "over", she's still in "her" bedroom with the door closed tonight.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not surprising. Withdrawal. No progress while in withdrawal.

God bless and grant you wisdom in all that you do and say.

Thanks, FH -

To all, I am working on and nearing completion of the first draft of my Plan B letter.

I will post it here and solicit comments from the MB Vets for "fine-tuning".

Currently, I am still planning on implementing it on Friday.

Thanks for the support of each of you.

Georgia

Good Morning-

To those of you following my story.

As I prepare for Plan B later this week, it is difficult to realize that a lot of my life is going to change so significantly and so abruptly.

We had dinner out with 2 couples Friday night who are close friends, movie afterwards. Even with all the other stuff going on, it was still enjoyable and that will all be coming to an end.

I realized that my Sundays will change dramatically as I will need to find another church to avoid contact with WW. This has been a part of my life for a long time, and it will be difficult to go elsewhere. #1 Son has invited me to attend church with them, which at this point is a possibility.

To update the WW situation:

I guess all this is making me kinda quiet as I think about it all and the impending PLAN B.
She asked last night why I have been so quiet, what is going through my mind. I just told her it was things that we had already discussed many times and there was no need in bringing it all up again.

I woke up at 2:00 AM, rolled over and picked up the phone.

Anybody want to venture a guess who was talking? So much for the latest "never want to talk to you again crisis".

PLAN B looms large.

Georgia

GG,

Been following your story from a distance and never responded.

When my wife and I separated, I debated on changing churches. We had been attending the same church for about a year and knew a lot of people. We were in the same small group and my therapist was our pastor's wife. Although it was uncomfortable, it forced both of us to deal with each other in a "friendly" way. I never did an official plan B but our interaction was limited to the Sundays and Wednesdays at church. It did hurt being that close to her but I wasn't willing to give up our friends and church because of our marital issues.

If the two of you are going to see each other at all then there isn't really a better place than in church.
Just my $.02

God Bless

Doug

Georgia,

The blessing with this development is that you can move forward with your plan with certainty now, and have the peace of knowing you're doing the right thing....all doubt has been removed.

To all -

Here is 1st draft Plan B letter.

I need my team of trusted advisors (you know who you are) to come out and give me some sage advice quickly.

WW has called and e-mailed and wants to talk TONIGHT !! I need to have this ready to put into place TONIGHT, instead of Friday.

PLEASE COMMENT QUICKLY !!!

Thanks to all for your help.

The Letter:

WW –

I love you, and I always will. From the night I first met you while on a double date, I knew you were special. I have never met anyone that I thought would have made a better wife. It was because of the spiritual maturity that you demonstrated to me that we were able to build our marriage, and our family, on a strong foundation.

My love for you has grown stronger with each passing year. We have 2 wonderful sons together, and it is because of your steady hand and Godly example that they have become exemplary young men. I have appreciated your determination to assure that #1S and #2S were taught well.

There is no doubt that I have made mistakes in our relationship over the years. It is obvious to me now that I have not provided the depth of honest and open communication for which you long. Even with this shortcoming, we have managed to have what most would call a “successful” marriage. I have enjoyed being your partner in life more than you will ever know. I wouldn’t trade those wonderful years with you for anything. You have been my constant companion, and I’ve trusted you with all my heart.

Since it has become so painfully obvious to me that you have unmet needs, it has been my desire to work on our marriage together to help me learn to meet those needs. You have expressed your opinion that I will never be able to meet your needs, but I do not agree. I think we can learn to stop hurting each other with our actions by the things we do, and with our inactions by the needs we don’t meet. I believe that our years shared together makes us uniquely qualified to meet one another needs and succeed in a marriage where we both can find happiness. Our marriage can be one with no guilt and no regrets.

I know that you feel as though you must continue seeking fulfillment of these unmet needs with another man, and this hurts me greatly. It also hurts me to know that you have lost your desire to work on our marriage. Because of this pain, I find myself pulling farther and farther away from you. I see a future for myself with you becoming less and less a part of it, and that is to help me deal with the pain this is causing me.

I am very scared that my love for you is being killed or will fade away. I find that the more I am with you, the more I am hurt by your other relationship. For that reason, I need to remove you from my life to protect what feelings I still have for you.

Beginning immediately, I will move into the upstairs portion of the house. I will have no contact with you. It hurts me too much. I will be living in the guest room, the bathroom, and the bonus room. I will avoid being at home when you are here. I ask that you respect my need for this isolation to avoid any further pain.

WW, I do believe that we can rebuild this marriage and that it can be better than ever. It takes work, but I can think of nothing more important and worthwhile than this fight for our marriage. Our greatest chance for happiness lies with each other. I believe that with all my heart.

Please understand that to me a marriage is an exclusive relationship between one man and one woman. Either of us allowing someone else into that very intimate relationship will kill any chance of rebuilding our marriage, and only continue the pain that I am currently experiencing. I would ask that you respect this, and understand that I view any other relationship as outside of God’s will for my life.

It would also be important to me that we establish an absolute “open door” policy on all aspects of our relationships with others. By this I mean that we would share e-mail accounts, show absolute respect for each other on any relationship that the other senses is getting out of bounds, and be totally honest with one another about any other relationships we may have. I believe that God grants each spouse insight into the struggles of the other, and it only by heeding the warning of the spouse can serious damage to the relationship be avoided. Again, I would ask you to understand that attempting to rebuild our marriage without these safeguards in place would cause a continuation of the pain I am currently experiencing, and would not serve to positively help us in our rebuilding effort.

I love you. I want you to remember that. Should you choose to try to rebuild a new marriage with me and stop causing me pain, we can discuss our future together.

Love Always,

Georgia

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

URGENT !!!!!!!!!1

I MAY BE FORCED INTO PLAN B TONIGHT.

Please read and comment on any changes you would recommend.

Georgia

Georgia -

I've been following your situation, but have not posted on youer thread before. I mostly lurk here now, but for what it's worth my FWW had an EA that lasted for many months also... Plus I did a Plan B also (albeit very short...).

Here is my $.02 :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is no doubt that I have made mistakes in our relationship over the years. It is obvious to me now that I have not provided the depth of honest and open communication for which you long. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">



Perhaps shorten this up to read something like : "It is clear to me now that I have not provided the type of intimate communication for which you long."


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since it has become so painfully obvious to me that you have unmet needs, it has been my desire to work on our marriage together to help me learn to meet those needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


Delete this and go right to the "You have expressed..."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that you feel as though you must continue seeking fulfillment of these unmet needs with another man, and this hurts me greatly. It also hurts me to know that you have lost your desire to work on our marriage. Because of this pain, I find myself pulling farther and farther away from you. I see a future for myself with you becoming less and less a part of it, and that is to help me deal with the pain this is causing me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">



How about something like, "Seeking fulfillment of these unmet needs with another man hurts me greatly. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from you."


[QUOTE]I am very scared that my love for you is being killed or will fade away. I find that the more I am with you, the more I am hurt by your other relationship. For that reason, I need to remove you from my life to protect what feelings I still have for you.


How about a version with fewer I's... "Because of this pain, my love for you is fading. I need to remove myself from this pain in order to preserve the love that I have left for you."


Georgia, I like your letter, but from the countless ones I 've seen here in the past, being short and to the point with complete clarity as to what is needed to end the Plan B is what you want.

Good luck my friend and God Bless.

Gib

GG,

I've followed a lot of your story but not all.

I think your letter is very good in the way it portrays your love for your wife and your desire to rebuild your M. I think you should edit out a lot of it, though, and make it more concise.

You need to make the terms of reconciliation *very* clear, and right now they aren't. You don't mention that she will have to give up the OM, just that the two of you shouldn't have other intimate relationships while married. She may think she can keep OM as a friend. I'd spell it out - absolutely NC with OM.

I'm glad you're getting busy with classes etc.

Georgia,

Try to fax to Steve before it's too late to get his imput.

Georgia,

Try to fax to Steve before it's too late to get his input.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Thanks, Gib and T/H -

I'm working on revision right now.

WW has called, crying, on her way home. Wants to talk tonight, says she's depressed.

I've got to have this ready before I go home.

I'll post new version in a moment, please comment if you can.

Georgia