Okay, slightly shorter version, adding comments received so far:

PLEASE RESPOND ASAP, I need to leave in less than 1 hour.

WW –

I love you, and I always will. From the night I first met you while on a double date, I knew you were special. I have never met anyone that I thought would have made a better wife. It was because of the spiritual maturity that you demonstrated to me that we were able to build our marriage, and our family, on a strong foundation.

My love for you has grown stronger with each passing year. We have 2 wonderful sons together. I have appreciated your determination to assure that #1 S and #2 S were taught well.

It is clear to me now that I have not provided the type of honest and open communication for which you long. Even with this shortcoming, we have managed to have what most would call a “successful” marriage. I have enjoyed being your partner in life more than you will ever know, and I cherish the memories of those wonderful years with you. You have been my constant companion, and I’ve trusted you with all my heart.

You have said that I will never be able to meet your needs, but I do not agree. I think we can learn to stop hurting each other and to meet each others needs, but it will take both of us working together. I believe that our years shared together makes us uniquely qualified to meet one another needs and succeed in a marriage where we both can find happiness. Our marriage can be one with no guilt and no regrets.

Seeking fulfillment of your unmet needs with another man hurts me greatly. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from you. Because of this pain, my love for you is fading. I need to remove myself from this pain in order to preserve the love that I have left for you.

Beginning immediately, I will move into the upstairs portion of the house. I will have no contact with you. It hurts me too much. I will be living in the guest room, the bathroom, and the bonus room. I will avoid being at home when you are here. I ask that you respect my need for this isolation to avoid any further pain.

WW, I do believe that we can rebuild this marriage and that it can be better than ever. It takes work, but I can think of nothing more important and worthwhile than this fight for our marriage. Our greatest chance for happiness lies with each other. I believe that with all my heart.

Please understand that to me a marriage is between one man and one woman. Either of us allowing someone else into that very intimate relationship will kill any chance of rebuilding our marriage, and only continue the pain that I am currently experiencing. I would ask that you respect this, and understand that I view any other relationship as outside of God’s will for my life. Therefore, rebuilding our marriage will require a life long commitment to never again contact OM.

Rebuilding a marriage of mutual trust will require an “open door” policy on our relationships with others. By this I mean that we would share e-mail accounts, show respect for each other in any relationship that the other senses is getting out of bounds, and be totally honest with one another about any other relationships we may have. I believe that God grants each spouse insight into the struggles of the other, and it is only by heeding the warning of the spouse can serious damage to the relationship be avoided. Again, I would ask you to understand that attempting to rebuild our marriage without these safeguards in place would cause a continuation of the pain I am currently experiencing and will not help us in rebuilding our marriage.

I love you. I want you to remember that. Should you choose to try to rebuild a new marriage with me and stop causing me pain, we can discuss our future together.

Love Always,

Georgia

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Sorry Georgia - I lost my reply and am I am NOT a very fast typer... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am worried about these paragraphs:

"Please understand that to me a marriage is between one man and one woman. Either of us allowing someone else into that very intimate relationship will kill any chance of rebuilding our marriage, and only continue the pain that I am currently experiencing. I would ask that you respect this, and understand that I view any other relationship as outside of God’s will for my life. Therefore, rebuilding our marriage will require a life long commitment to never again contact OM.

" "Rebuilding a marriage of mutual trust will require an “open door” policy on our relationships with others. By this I mean that we would share e-mail accounts, show respect for each other in any relationship that the other senses is getting out of bounds, and be totally honest with one another about any other relationships we may have. I believe that God grants each spouse insight into the struggles of the other, and it is only by heeding the warning of the spouse can serious damage to the relationship be avoided. Again, I would ask you to understand that attempting to rebuild our marriage without these safeguards in place would cause a continuation of the pain I am currently experiencing and will not help us in rebuilding our marriage."


You want to set your boundaries here but not come accross as controlling and/or judgemental. Very hard to do...

How about - "Rebuilding our marriage will have to include rebuilding our mutual trust. I am sure there are things I can do to help you trust me again. I hope I am given that opportunity. The foundation of my trust in you must include a life long commitment to never again contact OM and an 'open book' policy with emails, cell phones, etc. Without these fundamentals our marriage can not be strong."

Again Georgia - just my $.02...

Your situation reminds me of the pain I was going through 3 years ago... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Gib

Gib -

How about this:

Please understand that to me a marriage is between one man and one woman. Either of us allowing someone else into that very intimate relationship will kill any chance of rebuilding our marriage, and only continue the pain that I am currently experiencing. I would ask that you respect this, and understand that I view any other relationship as outside of God’s will for my life.

Rebuilding our marriage will have to include rebuilding our mutual trust. I hope I am given that opportunity to help you trust me again. The foundation of my trust in you must include a life long commitment to never again contact OM and an open book policy with emails, cell phones, etc. Without these fundamentals our marriage cannot be strong.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Sounds good Georgia...

Let us know how it goes tonight. We care...

Gib

Okay, the whole thing:

WW –

I love you, and I always will. From the night I first met you while on a double date, I knew you were special. I have never met anyone that I thought would have made a better wife. It was because of the spiritual maturity that you demonstrated to me that we were able to build our marriage, and our family, on a strong foundation.

My love for you has grown stronger with each passing year. We have 2 wonderful sons together. I have appreciated your determination to assure that #1S and #2S were taught well.

It is clear to me now that I have not provided the type of honest and open communication for which you long. Even with this shortcoming, we have managed to have what most would call a “successful” marriage. I have enjoyed being your partner in life more than you will ever know, and I cherish the memories of those wonderful years with you. You have been my constant companion, and I’ve trusted you with all my heart.

You have said that I will never be able to meet your needs, but I do not agree. I think we can learn to stop hurting each other and to meet each others needs, but it will take both of us working together. I believe that our years shared together makes us uniquely qualified to meet one another needs and succeed in a marriage where we both can find happiness. Our marriage can be one with no guilt and no regrets.

Seeking fulfillment of your unmet needs with another man hurts me greatly. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from you. Because of this pain, my love for you is fading. I need to remove myself from this pain in order to preserve the love that I have left for you.

Beginning immediately, I will move into the upstairs portion of the house. I will have no contact with you. It hurts me too much. I will be living in the guest room, the bathroom, and the bonus room. I will avoid being at home when you are here. I ask that you respect my need for this isolation to avoid any further pain.

WW, I do believe that we can rebuild this marriage and that it can be better than ever. It takes work, but I can think of nothing more important and worthwhile than this fight for our marriage. Our greatest chance for happiness lies with each other. I believe that with all my heart.

Please understand that to me a marriage is between one man and one woman. Either of us allowing someone else into that very intimate relationship will kill any chance of rebuilding our marriage, and only continue the pain that I am currently experiencing. I would ask that you respect this, and understand that I view any other relationship as outside of God’s will for my life.

Rebuilding our marriage will have to include rebuilding our mutual trust. I hope I am given that opportunity to help you trust me again. The foundation of my trust in you must include a life long commitment to never again contact OM and an open book policy with emails, cell phones, etc. Without these fundamentals our marriage cannot be strong.

I love you. I want you to remember that. Should you choose to try to rebuild a new marriage with me and stop causing me pain, we can discuss our future together.

Love Always,

I am likely too late to comment!
I just now had a minute to log on.
I like the first version - it had me in tears. The only concern I had was that you needed to give her a vision of the "pathway back home" and it looks like you made this clearer in your revisions.
That would be my only comment. Make sure she has a clear cut vision of what it would take to start rebuilding, beginning with no further contact with OM.
I have a good feeling about tonight. I think she realizes she can not continue like this.
I know I don't even need to tell you this - but pray all the way home.

Ugh, I got yanked away by work. I'm probably late chiming in but it looks good to me. Still long and wordy, but good.

The important things are all in there, and clear:
- I love you
- Your actions are hurtful
- To preserve my love I need NC with you while you are involved with OM
- I want to rebuild our M when you agree to NC, ..., ...


You have all that. Let us know how it goes; I know your stomach is in knots. Big, deep, relaxing breath. You have all the tools, the strength, and time on YOUR SIDE.

Just a hunch....maybe she is returning crying and all depressed because she has been lurking and read what you were doing!!! Just a thought!!

To all -

I'm sorry to say that when I got home I found WW on the phone with her mother, telling her this was none of her business, etc. She told me she had been on the phone with her for 2 hours.

Then, she called #1 Son and told him that MIL must be getting her information from them. How else would MIL know WW was sleeping upstairs? Told him it was none of his business.

Then, started tellling me it was all my fault, she told me not to tell her parents, etc.

I calmly told her I had something to read to her. I read her the letter. She told me about how much OM helped her understand herself, and how this is part of God's plan. WW said she could never do without OM as a friend, so no, she can't ever agree to that part of the letter.

I just told her that she and I don't agree on what a marriage is, and I left.

I told her I would be back tomorrow after she goes to work to move upstairs. I called #1 Son and apologized for his Mom's remarks. He's invited me to stay the night (about 1 hour from here). I may go there after I have dinner and calme down.

I'm sending this from Circuit City.

Thanks to all for their prayers. I know I'm doing the right thing, you all mean much to me at this time of crisis.

Georgia

To all -

I'm sorry to say that when I got home I found WW on the phone with her mother, telling her this was none of her business, etc. She told me she had been on the phone with her for 2 hours.

Then, she called #1 Son and told him that MIL must be getting her information from them. How else would MIL know WW was sleeping upstairs? Told him it was none of his business.

Then, started tellling me it was all my fault, she told me not to tell her parents, etc.

I calmly told her I had something to read to her. I read her the letter. She told me about how much OM helped her understand herself, and how this is part of God's plan. WW said she could never do without OM as a friend, so no, she can't ever agree to that part of the letter.

I just told her that she and I don't agree on what a marriage is, and I left.

I told her I would be back tomorrow after she goes to work to move upstairs. I called #1 Son and apologized for his Mom's remarks. He's invited me to stay the night (about 1 hour from here). I may go there after I have dinner and calme down.

I'm sending this from Circuit City.

Thanks to all for their prayers. I know I'm doing the right thing, you all mean much to me at this time of crisis.

Georgia

Georgia,

When's your next appt with SH?

You absolutely made the right choice in telling her mother. She's trying to avoid the consequences of her behavior.

I've forgotten...is OM married?

The letter is extremely vague about any reconciliation.
The only thing I could find is this and I can't really tell if you want to reconcile or not.
Should you choose to try to rebuild a new marriage with me and stop causing me pain, we can discuss our future together.

Need to reword it very specifically to say that you want to reconcile and that you will resume contact when the affair is over.

Not surprising at all. Disapoointing, yes, but not surprising. I have had the past year and a half to hear many many stories - here on the site, and also stories related to me by friends who had "been there". One of the common themes (if we can assume that they are all following some morbid script) is that they get real ugly as the whole ugly A comes to an end. Many times I have heard some say "I thought for sure our M was over - my WS said the most awful things - said that he wanted to be divorced right away, that he had never loved me, that he was miserable with me, didn't know why he married me, etc, and then just 2 days later he was asking to come back"
I am not telling you this to say "in 2 more days she will want to reconcile" I guess I am saying it more as a way to warn you that the storm gets real ugly towards the end, and that looks like a possibility here.
She has been so convinced that he was her friggin soul mate (sorry - hate that term) and now things are falling apart. She is scared, embarrassed, feeling guilty and convicted. In spite of all that has happened lately you have been kind to her - how can she now justify her awful behavior? Her mom knows! It is NOT your fault - and deep down she knows it.

Be strong in plan B. I would encourage you to visit your son. Call on your support network. lean on others - they want to be there for you.

This is not over by far. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. fight the good fight.

If all else fails, I have a baseball bat, and I am only about a 5 hour drive from the Canadian border.

GG,
Again, so sorry your having to go through this. I wanted to ask about something you briefly mentioned before. Did you say your WW has has prior EAs? How many? How did it come to an end previously? How did you handle it (assuming you've never applied MB concepts in the past)?
And to WOF...mind if I join you with the baseball bat?? You get to feeling kind protective of folks after a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Evening to all (again) -

I am at #1S's house now. Both S's and DIL's are showering me with kindness and love, the best support network a man can have. I'm spending the night here, up early to go to work tomorrow.

I'm really calm about this whole thing, not sure if it's a divine peace or Lexapro, but I'm thankful for it, whatever it is.

To answer some questions from you all. First, much thanks to WOF and TNbelle for the baseball bat idea, but we'd better not go that route. The thought is appreciated. And yes, OM is married.

WW did indeed have one other EA, came to an end about 3 years ago. This was with a man at our church, not as intense as this one though. It ended when he (OM#1) went to the church staff and told them what was going on and said he wanted it to stop. He said WW was trying to control him like he was her H, and he was tired of it.

We all reconciled, still go to church together. However, she still gets angry that it ended and blames me for being an ovely jealous H.

It is this type of mentality that she has adopted that causes me less hope for a successful recovery. She honestly thinks this is all part of God's plan. Even though she admits she is breaking her marital vows, knows what she is doing is "wrong", etc....she still says it is all part of God's plan for her life.

I am convinced that no matter how bad the outcome of this whole mess, she will be able to justify it, in her current mindset, as all part of God's plan.

Oh, I had originally planned another SH session later this week prior to Plan B, a little late for that now. I will probably wait a week or two to let the dust settle from this and then get with him for more advice on how to proceed.

Again, thanks to all for the kind words of encouragement. With friends like all of you, and a family like the one surrounding me tongiht, I am indeed, still a blessed man.

Georgia

Georgia -

Not to be cold or uncaring here, but have you locked her out of the financial picture? More speicifically - can she hurt you financially right now?

GIB -

She has access to all finances. We have always shared everything in common.

Georiga

Georgia -

The only reason I bring up the finances is that it was part of my Plan B and I've read on this board how the WS has depleted accounts in the past. Plus your W has an 'issue' with supporting herself as you have mentioned...

I am NOT suggesting any course of action. That is certainly not my place. Perhaps SH has some insight on this subject for your situation. Just be aware of her state of mind and the money at hand. Financial support seems to be a major need you have been providing for a long time.

Your sons are a true blessing to you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gib

Hi Georgia,

Well, it's only fair that God has a plan for you too isn't it? She's not the only one who gets a plan....and the interesting thing...is that YOUR plan is the one that's supported by His Word in the Bible. I'm sorry that it's come to this chere...but addictions are hard to give up and she won't do it without a fight.

Stay strong....so glad to hear your children are supporting you!

GG,

If the things WS say didn't hurt so darn much, it would be hilarious. "It's part of God's plan" and "he understands me so much better" are just plain trite. Barf.

You knew she'd be angry when her Mom learned of the sitch. She's going to be telling everyone that this isn't their business, because seen through their eyes it becomes so ugly. She's grasping at straws - a miracle, a work of God. Puke.

She's going to be really angry and hateful as things fall apart around her.
She's going to blame everyone but herself (mostly you).
Then she's going to suffer withdrawal and get *really* hateful.

Remember the stages of a relationship? You can be in a stage of intimacy, or withdrawal, or conflict. Your W has been withdrawn from you while she focused on OM. She can't just jump from withdrawal to intimacy. The path from withdrawl goes through conflict and then to intimacy. Sooo.... even though she is mean and spiteful, please try to understand that this *is* progress.

Plus now you have the great support of your family, and the serenity of Plan B.

I was thinking - you should have another phone line connected, that you can use while living upstairs. You don't want to be in plan B and pick up the phone to call one of the kids and hear her voice or what she's saying, regardless of who she's talking to.