I'm back from lunch now.

Just to let you know. I can't use E-mail to communicate here because of job constrictions.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

on my way!!!!! Now delete your post above!!!

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Okay, folks....

Without going into all the details...Georgia has been to the wood shed and has kicked the crack habit.

Back to a normal Plan B.

Much thanks to my wonderful friend....

Georgia

Good Morning to all -

I spent the evening at the local Youth Dev Ctr (YDC) participating in a Christmas dinner for the youth. It was wonderful. For a couple of hours, all of the boys were surrounded by "family", talking, singing Christmas caroles, eating a lovingly prepared dinner fit for the finest table. Wonderful devotion and time of sharing. Made me realize how blessed I have been.

One of the areas that I have felt I should get involved in during this time is back into youth prison ministry. This would be good for me and is where I have always felt most effective in a ministry opportunity. Last night I saw one of my old Prison Fellowship colleagues at YDC who is leading a Bible study on Monday nights (which is the night I wanted to commit to do this). He has invited me to rejoin him (starting in January) in this endeavor. Things seem to be coming together well.

WW continues to call my cell phone and leave messages. I continue to delete them without listening. I saw her for about 5 seconds when I got home. She said "hi", tried to engage me in coversation but I just went upstairs and closed the door. No other contact.

I will be joining #1S for dinner and maybe a movie tonight. DIL has a test tonight and won't be home until late, so S has invited me to spend some time with him. What a blessing.

Thanks to all for continued encouragement.

Georgia

First I may not have "enough notchs on my belt" so to speak to question your way of plan Bing but is it really necessary to not even say hello? Or even read the letter she left you after your plan B letter, previously. I would at least listen to the messages she leaves just to see what kind of FOG BABBLE she is saying now. But thats just me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good Morning, ILF and others -

Thanks for the comments. With the idea of Plan B to be "no contact", I think I would find it harder to maintain that if I allow her to continue to influence me with her thinking. We've talked about this issue incessantly for almost a year, with the message always being that she is going to continue this relationship with the OM. Nothing has changed along those lines, and there is nothing else that I wish to talk about right now, as I stated in my Plan B letter. Yesterday, she called my cell phone 4X trying to get me, left me a note on my desk chair when I got home. I didn't listen the the messges, and I didn't read the note. I don't feel that I need to respond to her in any way.

To demonstrate how she continues to misconstrue the situation, when I got home last night WW wasn't there. I went to our bedroom to get some stuff, and saw a library book laying on the bed. It is entitled "Coping with Jealousy". To her, I'm still an overly jealous husband and that is the main issue.

Last night with #1S was great. We went to see "The Incredibles" and I think we both needed the release of a good laugh. We were the only ones in the theatre, so we could carry on with abandon and not disturb anyone else.

We went to a nice quiet restaurant and had an excellent dinner. We talked for about 2 hours, different subjects but very little about Mom. He did say he is hoping that Saturday will have a big effect on her. His 25th birthday, and she's not going to be there. That ia going to be VERY HARD on me.

Thanks to all for your continued prayers and support. Please posts when you can.

Georgia

Thanks mimi....for keeping our georgia boy in line!!!

GG....One of the things I don't like about an "in house" Plan B is that it feels like the "cold shoulder" to the WS....rather than "protection" for you. Plan B isn't really meant to resemble the "silent treatment", but done under the same roof...it can FEEL that way. Still, when separation is impossible...there isn't much help for it. I have a suggestion though. Your wife CAN communicate to you through an intermediary.....and you already have hired a great one. Make sure she understands that she can talk to Steve too....and that if she feels the need to communicate with you....to please contact him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

editted to add....I'm going back and editting my "crack" about you....K?

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thanks, star*fish, for posting. I'm a bit depressed today and I was hoping someone would pop-up. Loss of one of my AD's has made things more difficult. I like your comment about SH as an intermediary, I think I will act on that. I'll post what I do.

Thinking about Saturday is really hard on me. We're all (S's and DIL's) going to have a really special night out Saturday night for #1S's b'day, and WW will not be there. After dinner, we're going to a very popular zoo that has special Christmas programs, then #2 DIL is baking #1S a birthday cake. This is going to be really tough to not have WW there. Probably as hard on me as on her.

I appreciate your comments about the "in-house" Plan B. I wish I could find some way to separate, but that just can't happen under the circumstances.

BTW - I've contacted a lawyer, working on getting an appointment with him. (We keep playing phone tag). I hope to meet tomorrow.

Georgia

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Hi Georgia:

I agree with STAR that PLAN B is about "protection" for you. Also, WW needs to suffer the consequences for her actions, needs to feel some pain rather than being able to "project" onto you. When you are unavailable and she does not know what you are up to, she can't project.

I wish you didn't even have to see the book on her bed. Also, hide those clothes. She's trying to give herself good feelings by continuing to rationalize that she is fulfilling wifely duties. You are allowing her to let you meet the DOMESTIC (whatever) NEED. She needs to suffer... and rely on OM to meet all of her needs. She needs to learn that he cannot meet all of her needs.

YOUR GOAL IS DARK, DARK, DARK!!!

My FWH tried all the stunts your WW is playing. As hard as it was for me, I closed off all avenues of communication.

In terms of my issues, guess what? FWH bought YS a MILLION DOLLAR BURGER on yesterday. There's something symbolic about this feeding thing. He used to feed OW. Of course, he liked it the YS wanted the hamburger and YS said thank-you (ADMIRATION AND AFFIRMATION). YS looked at TV shows with us last night rather than staying isolated in his room or going out. Baby steps.... You've encouraged me not to give up.

THANKS!!!!!

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I agree with Mimi, hide the clothes, or beat her to the washing machine, she is able to relinquish some of her guilt by performing SOME wifely duties.

Do you have Surviving an Affair or any other books? She is coming into your room trying to get ANY clues about you, I would leave the book on your nightstand with a bookmark in the EA section. Any other books? I'd make a trip to the library.

And great idea Star to suggest to WW to call SH as an intermediary...he can really cut through and get a WS thinking...

Mimi -

A good time for you to post, thanks....

I guess I am going to have to just bag my dirty clothes and throw them in my car. She keeps washing them and hanging them back in our shared closet im the Master Bedroom. Went down last night (that's what I was getting out of that room) and moved them all back upstairs.

I'm really trying to be as dark as possible. Only physically seen her once since Plan B. I know what you're saying, though, about the domestic support. I guess I also was being a bit self-centered on the laundry issue. Haven't done my own laundry since college. But....I know you're right.

I'm so glad to hear that there is progress on the YS front. Excellent time of year for you 3 to do things together. Hay ride? Christmas shopping? Nativities? Whatever, do something interactive where you have to talk. One of my favorites is dessert and coffee in some eclectic, out of the way cafe.

I know you can do it. FWH and YS are fortunate that they've got a FACILITATOR who'll not give up on them.

Thanks......

Georgia

SHMI -

Nice to hear from you again. Great day to have friends stop by, thanks.

I don't have SAA and it's not in our local library. I should go by a bookstore and get it. I do have other books, had HNHN checkout out of library a long time but I've returned it now. Many others though, I do have.

I can, indeed, tell that she has snooped when she's been in my room. I have paperwork laying on my desk for a background check to go to YDC, and I could tell that she had been through it.

Yeah, I'll look into the SH intermediary idea.

Thanks for posting....I appreciate it.

Georgia

Hey Georgia...

Been thinking about you and your situation. In house Plan B has got to be tough. I tried moving out twice because of my W's EA. The first time she came and talked me into coming home. A false recovery began soon afterwards because her EA was still going on and I had not set any boundaries. The second time was 3 months later. I had learned that the EA was still going on strong and I was quickly losing any love I had left. I was hours away from writing a check for thousands of dollars for an apartment for 3 months. My W noticed my depression and 'forced me' to talk. It was then that I told her of my plans and that her 'friendship' had again crossed the line. She proceeded to start NC w/OM that next day. That was the good part...

Now I'm three years into this recovery thing. And I have to say that in hind sight, I wish I would have held my ground in going to Plan B. Why? Well, from my point of view I have changed drastically from the person I was 3+ years ago. My W's threat of divorce was my wakeup call. But unfortunately, most of the Relationship work has been one sided. My W did not recieve her wakeup call you might say...


So here I sit, content with the changes I have made in myself, but not content with my M. I guess my resentments have again started building.

Bottom line - both of you have to WANT to change. Plan B helps facilitate the desire to change in the WS.

Stay Dark...

Stop filling all of her needs (including Financial)...

Don't let her fill any of your needs...

As always, JMHO.

Stay Strong and God Bless!

Gib

'nother good book that'll REALLY make her think (and was the only one I could get my W 2 read):

"Passionate Marriage" - David Schnarch.

Not really about affairs at all, and a lot of sex therapy in the middle, but the intro, first chapters, and closing chapters are INTENSE and VERY enlightening about marriage and individuality.

best,
-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">guess I am going to have to just bag my dirty clothes and throw them in my car </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You definitely need to do this. From what you have indicated, she is convincing herself that you can't live without her. It's your goal to convince her that you can and will go on without her. Let her wonder "who is washing his clothes?" Although I did not have a TT (TEMPTING TEMPTATION) during my PLAN B, WH wasn't so sure. He talked about being concerned about another man in HIS HOUSE(?). It's good to keep her guessing about you.

NEW ASSIGNMENT: Get a copy of SA. You can order from AMAZON.COM. YOu can also order from MarriageBuilders website. I did not know you did not have this. There is a situation similar to yours in the book. I found it to be a lifeline. I read pages from that book over and over. Almost every page is highlighted. GET THAT BOOK!!!!

Also, I would think about putting a lock on your bedroom door. Theres just too much contact between the two of you IMHO. SAA will explain a lot of this reasoning to you.

BTW,
I agree wholeheartedly with GIB.

I wouldn't focus on worrying about her reading material. Your goal is to remain distanced and dark. Plus, while in the fog, she won't think any of this refers to her. My FWW refused to read any of the Harley books or any books about As while he was in the fog. In his crazy state, I remember him saying, " I don't think any of that is of relevance to me". Steve Harley Quote: "You can't be a teacher if you don't have a student'.

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Thanks, Mimi -

Okay, I'm getting your drift. No more laundry, I'll either do it myself at home (when?) or at a laundry place. (Wonder if I could hire someone cheap to do my laundry? Hum....).

I'll get SA soon and let you know when I have it. I, too, hear the message of GIB loud and clear. So far I've been able to firmly stand my ground. The biggest temptation she's thrown my way was the surprise hug on the stairwell. I've got to admit that I wanted to say the heck with it all and just wrap my arms around her. But...I didn't. I never, never want to go back to where I was with her and OM. Maybe terrible to say, but I think I can live without her better than ever living through that again. You know how badly that hurt me, you were there.

On the lock issue, we've only got those interior locks right now. She's gotten really good at picking that in a flash. Now that I think about it, I was in error saying that I had only seen her once. One night (I think the night I got back from TX), I was in bed, heard the door open (which I had locked), and there she was standing over my bed. Said something like "this is getting way out of hand. How long do you plan to go on like this?" I said "read the letter". She turned around and stormed out of the room.

So you think I should get a real lock for my room?

I'm thinking about maybe just leaving and going to a motel somewhere tomorrow night, maybe over to the coast for a couple of days and then back to S's house Saturday night. It's so cold right now, hard to do much outdoor stuff.

Thanks for posting...nice to talk to friends.

Georgia

It's PLAN B!!!! So we cannot have these hugs and bedroom appearances. She wins everytime this happens. DARK! DARK! DARK! LIGHTS COMPLETELY OUT!! Well as much as possible given your situation. I like the idea of you going away for the weekend but not until YOUR REAL LOCK is in place.... DEADBOLT. Also, it will be important to get those finances in order, just in case. She is liable to get angry before she starts feeling the pain. However, she's got to begin to HURT!!! It hasn't happened yet.

What about doing your laundry at your Mom's house?

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Okay, okay....

On the way back from lunch, I'll stop and get a lock at Lowe's. Install it tonight.

Laundry at my Mom's will work. I know her, she'll start volunteering to do it and she's rather elderly. I don't want to burden her with this, but we'll see how that works out.

I've got to get to that lawyer. We keep missing each other, again this morning. #1S even brought up during dinner last night that he was concerned about this. I was surprised he brought it up.

Okay, off to lunch. Back with a lock shortly.

Have a good lunch.

Georgia

Okay, I've got a keyed lock. I'll install tonight.