Great Mindset!!

Sounds like a Great Weekend in store for you!!

We are on the same page!!

Thanks, Mimi...

I'm actually beginning to look forward to the weekend. The evening with the boys tomorrow night will be great. Still hurts to think that Mom will not be with her son on his b'day. Makes me think back to all the years she baked baseball cakes, frog-shaped cakes, race car cakes...you name it, we've had a cake in that shape. This is really sad. Christmas may be worse.

Let me leave you with one last thought about YS + H. I know that the relationship is not where you want it to be, but with your continued involvement, it can be. I know that this is your biggest struggle. Just remember...Mom and Dad are one now (just like the Bible says). That is the healthiest relationship you can model for YS to remember as he matures. This is what he needs to learn about the M relationship as he seeks to have his own someday.

Alright...I've heard that unsolicited advice is criticism. Enough from me.

Thanks again for being there this week...it's been a traumatic one for me. Seems like I bounce from crisis to crisis. I long to someday have the "domestic tranquility" again.

Georgia

EDIT - Just ordered SAA from Amazon.

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Thanks, Georgia for all the feedback that you provide to me. You have really been a GODSEND regarding H and YS. You are keeping me encouraged because I have tended to want to give up. They both really seem to be working on their R with my "FACILITATION". It's also been helpful to share with my H ho the boys need his wisdom and advice. He has like the AFFIRMATION from me. Also he seems to be looking forward to a future with them which he certainly would not have had with the OW.

Have Faith, Georgia! I'm pretty sure you will have your wife back to herself. She's on a vacation right now. Unfortunately, you'll need to stand back and wait through this awful process. LET GO AND LET GOD. She will be baking those cakes for your grandchildren before you even
know it. My FWH is really back to being himself, doing all of the wonderful things he used to do and even more wonderful things. It can happen for you, too.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE ON UNDERSTANDING. Enjoy the GREATNESS OF GOD as you hike this weekend. Focus on his GREATNESS AND GOODNESS. HE will not forsake you through all of this.

Thanks, Mimi, for the encouraging words on your YS issue. I hope that indeed I am some help, maybe a small repayment. If you don't give up, neither will I.

It sounds so pleasant, the way you describe W (not WW) baking cakes for grandchildren. That would be wonderful, I so look forward to grandkids. I'm a bit young for this, but I think sometime I'm entering the "pre-retirement" plateau that I've read about when studying HR issues. Don't have that zeal for my career that I once did, I much rather look forward to life with grandkids and family. It would be so wonderful if someday WW is indeed GM (remember, she wants to be called "Mimi"?). I still chuckle at that one.

Okay, thanks for the encouragement. If I don't return, I've been eaten by some large reptile in a SC swamp.

Georgia

Good afternoon to all -

Some quick updates, I could use some input this afternoon if possible from some of my trusted friends.

Friday night and Saturday alone at the coast was wonderful. A good night sleep Friday night, early Saturday morning work-out and then a good peaceful breakfast. I feel guilty because I enjoyed it so much.

The day in the forest was blissful. Didn't see another human for 1/2 day. Lots of wildlife, including deer. I was able to spend a lot of time contemplating my life, where I've been and where I'm going. I stopped and spent much time in prayer. This was time for just me and God to commune, it was great. I needed that quiet solitude alot, helped me to just get my bearings and think without interruptions.

On the way to the boys house Saturday afternoon, I took back roads across SC and photographed old churches and houses. It was fun, the kind of things I like to do. A wonderful day. No rush, no pressure....

Birthday celebration for #1S Saturday night was nice, but it hit me really hard that Mom wasn't there with us. Hurt me that she was missing her own son's b'day, and that I was without her. This was tough. I was truly lonesome without her even while surrounded by both S's and DIL's. They are so kind, treat me like a king.

I spend last night with #2S and DIL, up and to church this morning back in our home town. The 5 of us went to lunch together.

Now, here is the hard part. I went home shortly thereafter, no WW at the house. She got home a few minutes later, came upstairs where I was. Told me she wanted to talk, I told her the letter said everything I needed to say. She said she had realized now that she loves me (about time!!), but that how would she ever get over the resentment of my "controlling" her this way. (Here we go again). Told me that now I have even turned her own kids against her. Attack, attack, attack....argh...

I picked up my bag that I hadn't even unpacked yet and left. Called #1S and ask if I could come over to DIL's mom's house (where they are today) and he said sure. That's where I am now, came for some refuge. While here, WW called my cell phone and left a message. First time I've listened to it and not just deleted it. She said simply "Okay, you win. Now what?". That's it.

I think that she doesn't really yet understand the whole thing, still in fog. I'm not about to go back and tell her that now we're ready to work on our marriage. Less than an hour ago I (underline the I) had turned her kids against her. Still no understanding that SHE has turned both her and my family against her, including her own kids. This isn't my actions, it's hers. But she still is oblivious to that.

Any comments from any?

Georgia

Georgia,

In a sense it's simple, have her call Steve Harley.

He can give her the very best advice and keep you safe as well.

While I never had to do plan B, I asked SH to determine if/when it was safe to rebuild my marriage.

That kept me from being my H's coach, and allowed me to continue my personal recovery and focus on not LBing. Believe me it took all my energy to do just this.

Fortunately my husband said the magical phrase, "I'll do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage and restore your trust in me".

The WSs that say this...make recovery believeable.

So my answer to you is simple. Tell her to call SH, and have him negotiate the end to plan B. He'll get her started on a recovery plan that will heal your marriage...

Also insure that she is being sincere in the "I give up you win" stuff... her motive has to be for the right reason.

CSue -

Thank you. The afternoon has gotten progressively worse. She is trying to FIND me right now, doesn't know where I am. Found #1S and told him that she is ready to give up, live the rest of her live in misery with me, when she had really rather be in Canada with OM. She is willing to do this to keep from losing her family.

Does this sound like an honest recovery? I don't think so.....

She asked #1S to pass along to me that she wanted to talk (which he did), however, he also passed along the above info that she said at the same time.

I plan to send her a very brief e-mail telling her that SH will mediate any recovery. She will need to contact him before we talk about anything else.

This is going to be tough this evening. Any additional input would be appreciated.

Georgia

More.....

WW has left 4 voice mails on my cell in the last 1/2 hour. She is crying uncontrollably and asking why I won't answer the phone.

This is tough.

Encourgement?

Advice?

Anything?

Georgia

I hope her comment was just anger!!!

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: InLikeFlynn ]</small>

ILF-

These are the same comments I have been hearing from her during this whole EA.

This she is miserable with me, she could have true happiness with OM, etc.

These comments are not out of anger and are consistent with what she has been telling me, and the rest of the entire family, since exposure.

Georgia

Okay, #2DIL just called and said WW is on phone with #2S and threatening suicide.

I'm going to call her...I don't know if I'm being manipulated or not. But I can't take that chance.

Georgia

ALL suicide threats should be taken seriously. Yes please call her. She is in a very bad place, manipulation or not.

Georgia,

Call the authorities for intervention.

If she is serious about it, you will need help.

If she is not, then she will have a hell of a mess to clean up and spend some much needed time with some real mental health people.

All the best,
Gimble

Call 911, give them her cell or location. Ask the dispatcher how you can be kept in the loop while they check on her safety.

That is what I did. The police were quite helpful.

Don't treat it lightly. Even if it is a bluff, treat it as if it is real.

Right now securing her safety is ultra important. If the police find out she is bluffing, they will deal with it. If she is not bluffing, they will deal with it also. Then you w/b notified.

take care,
L.

Okay, I called WW. As soon as she heard that it was me, she started screaming "how dare you suggest I call a counselor, etc"?

What I heard convinced me that this is not a suicidal woman, but rather an angry woman who is not getting her way (something she is not used to), and is trying to manipulate those around her.

Orchid / Weaver / Gimble - I'm taking a gamble and not calling 911. I know her, and I don't think she is serious.

However, I did call her Dad and asked him to have her brother call her (she trusts him more than anyone right now). He is a professional counselor, so I'm hedging my bet on that one a little.

Pray for me that I am right on this one.

Georgia

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

GG,

My WS did that to me. He and the OW were holed up in a motel6 less than a mile from my work. He and ow had some sort of squabble, he called me and said he was going to end it all but he was very very upset....I took it as a suicide threat, called 911 and reported it. This was not the 1st time he had told me such. When I previously checked with the suicide hotline, I was instructed to treat each threat as a real thing. Ow was angry, she took off and went home. When she felt safe (that she wouln't be caught) she angrily called me and e-mailed me about 'how dare I.....' basically, how dare I ruin her night with the WS. Right motel6? How romantic can that be? LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What the nutcase didn't know was that I was in constant constact with the police on the scene. The officer gave me a play by play of what was going on and asking for info like drugs and weapons. Yep, they take no chances.

WS was angry at me also but I was told to tell him that what he said sounded like a threat and the police said I did the right thing.

The next day I called the station and they said I did the right thing. Verification of my actions only proved my santity.

WS was distraught when the police arrived. Imagine being caught in a hotel with no valid explanation. LOL!!!! The police already had the A story so they knew what they were dealing with.

If I had to do it over again, I would not tell the WS I was calling the police. I would just do it. That way the OW would not have had as much time to get away.

Another point is that in times of real trouble most OPs are not reliable. They are good at making trouble but bad at fixing it.

I hope you do call 911.... if it is a bluff, she will have to answer to the police and not just you. Also it places the pressure on her on someone she can't control (the police). Most are quite experienced on this stuff.

JMHO,
L.

Georgia,

I don't know what to add except that it's starting to look like she's begininng to feel the consequences of her actions. Also with the holidays coming up she probably feels her isolation extreme.

Before I forget, I think you said back when on your thread that your wife feels like you're controlling.

This issue is an area that Steve is at his best. My husband too was extremely controlling. With SH coaching us through this issue it doesn't come up anymore. He coached each of us what to do to avoid this LB. I guess I just want to give your wife hope that issues CAN be worked out.

If she'll give coaching a chance (and I know I'm preaching to the choir) she'll have a chance to find some peace with this. I feel badly for her pain in a sense...yet again glad she's feeling the consequences of her actions. It's through the pain that we're most inclined to change.

It's through the pain that we're most inclined to change.

And in my opinion why we have pain. We all have lessons to learn in order to grow, and with out these very painful lessons we would not grow. It is just human behavior to resist change at all costs.

I've read on here a few times the saying "one will only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change".

I think people in some cases unconsiously choose infidelity because something inside of them (or in their relationship) needs to be fixed so they create this painful, choas to
begin the change.

I agree with Csue that this is probably a good sign.

Thank you all for your comments.

Still don't know if I did the right thing not calling the police last night, but my assessment of her anger seemed to ring true. Thanks, Orchid, for sharing that story with me. Nothing like cops being called to the local Motel6 for a romantic night, huh? If it weren't so sad, it would be funny.

Seesm the boys have been honoring my request not to tell me everything going on with Mom, which I appreciate. But last night I had a catch-up session with #2S & #2DIL at Sub-Way. He needed to talk, I'm glad we did. He's having a hard time handling this, even though his maturity is way beyond his years. So far, #2DIL is the only one in our family that she's not directing verbal poison towards. Could be because she's so demure and quiet.

#1S and #2S both talked to WW last night, she told them that she wasn't concerned about losing her H, but the pain of losing her sons was unbearable. Remember, Saturday night was #1S's b'day, Mom wasn't there (by His choice, she wasn't invited). BTW - #1S called WW's parents last night and told them if Mom was there Christmas, they would come visit later in January. Seems WW has been saying very unkind things about #1 DIL, and #1S doesn't have my propensity for CONFLICT AVOIDANCE. He will not tolerate any unkind behavior towards his wife, WW is going to have a very tough time getting this son back after the unkind words she's sent their way. We BS's know this as 'FOG', but those words still carry far-reaching consequences.

They are both convinced she is on the verge of heading to Vancouver, maybe today. We all agree that right now, that may be the best thing. Would continue the process of her getting to experience life in hell for a while to see if that's where her happiness really lies (her constant phrase).

I decided to go back home last night. I walked in and she was sitting in the great room reading like nothing had happened. No words were exchanged, I didn't see her any more the rest of the night or this morning. I fully expect that she will not be there when I get home today.

I guess I don't understand this whole domestic thing. I didn't think to take my bath towel with me & she washed it while I was gone. She also took my pillows off my bed, I haven't figured that one out yet but I had to borrow pillows from one of the other guest rooms. I've got to get that lock on the door tonight.

Seems as though reality has really set in. She's now experiencing the pain that Mimi has been suggesting. I think she now realizes that her life of being spoiled and pampered is now over.

I am continuing to learn about myself through this process. I know now that my CONFLICT AVOIDANCE hasn't been healthy and contributed to this whole thing. I hope someday that I can learn to enbrace conflict in a healthy way to enhance a relationship, not destroy it. WW is acting like a spoiled child who for the very first time in her life is not getting her way, and that's in large part, IMO, to the fact that I have always let her get her way rather than facing healthy conflict.

Thanks to all for your input and encouragement. This is indeed a very difficult time.

Georgia

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>