Georgia:

I kind of like STILL's idea about asking her about NO CONTACT. Or if you want an even briefer conversation you can say, like a broken record, "READ MY LETTER".


I would steer away from the DIVORCE GROUP. You are still married, not even separated. Their agenda will likely be different than yours. Plus, lonely divorcees often go to those groups. We know about the TEMPTING TEMPATIONS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I want to let you know again how much I appreciate your feedback regarding my H and YS. WE took OUR son back to college yesterday. I have been using, wifely and motherly, gentle persuasion with them. I think they are mending their relationship although with baby steps. THANKS!!

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hey MM, glad you're here!

Per advice from SH, GG is doing an in-house Plan B, very tough to pull off, but GG is doing a STELLAR job. GG has removed himself from the bedroom, is living a separate life, but occasionally gets fooled by the occasional phone call or 'accidental' contact within the house.

WW isn't doing anything wrong (according to her) because she is calling the OM to turn him towards God, it is God's plan they are in each other's lives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

GG has the support of his two DS's and DIL's and family members.

GG has gone to great lengths to go dark (even changing churches) but occasional contact occurs...

SHMI,

Oh, that clears this up. Of course, she is delusional about God and God wanting to get thru to OP thru her. Neither of them know God. God says that He answers NONE of the prayers of those living in sin. He doesnt even listen to them.

What she needs is a good Christian counselor to look at her and ask her "If I can show you God's will for your life, whatever that is...are you willing to follow it?" And if she says "well that depends on what it is." Then that counselor will end the session with that. Because God is not into suggestions, He is only into commandments. If you are going to decide whether you want to do His will, if you are going to debate it with Him...then He isnt even going to tell you His will. He will let you jsut keep floundering, doing your thing...making mistakes all over the place.

GG, if she is getting this guy to church (my wife was doing the same thing with the OM), then you go to that church and expose them. Tell the pastor what is going on, so that they can confront her and him. It will make her mad...and she will probably change churches or something like that...but the truth will continue to mount on her foggy brain.

Keep it up. Keep talkign with SH. You seem to be doing pretty good. Just keep as dark as you can.

In His arms.

Good Morning, SHMI and Mimi...

Perhaps a quick response about OM and NC would be in order, or even the letter. A couple of weeks ago (I forget the circumstances now) I told her to go back and read the letter, that it has all the details. She replied angrily to "forget the stupid letter, I'm going to shred it". Since my earlier post, I answered the phone and it was her asking if I would like to have dinner tonight. I hung up.

Mimi...I'm glad to hear that things are improving on the H / YS relationship. I know that this is very important to you. Of course, I'd be glad to talk about that anytime. I miss greatly being "Dad" and all the stuff that goes with it. I'm looking forward to forming a mentoring relationship with a young man through the local YDC.

Anyway, enough for now.

Georgia

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Hi, MM, Nice to meet you.

I didn't mean to ignore you, I didn't see either of your posts previous.

Okay, a few more details. This is an EA thing with OM being 3K miles from us. Prior to Plan B, WW was on the phone with him basically all night long, even when I'd leave for work in the morning. We have traveled to his home in B.C. Canada and meet OM + OMW. I have heard him tell OMW that he wants a divorce.

Her convictions about proselytizing have been erratic, sometimes even telling me she would like to sleep with him. Final straw was when she recommended he (and OMW) move into our house. Their ultimate plan is to move here to our town so we all be chummy together.

Reason for in-house Plan B is to avoid me moving out and OM moving in while I pay all bills. I now live upstairs, WW downstairs.

Ask for details as you wish, it's been a long, tangled trail (as you can see).

You come highly recommended by our mutual friend Mimi.

Regards-

Georgia

Edit - to add, WW will not go for counseling. A local (Christian) counselor that I saw (<SH) talked to her by phone for about an hour a couple of months ago. AFterwards, WW denounced him as a "fool" and an "idiot". I've got a feeling he didn't say what she wanted to hear.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

GG,

I would have handled that call a little differently. You said you just hung up. Well, if she is trying to get back to you, hanging up on her will probably not help her think it is safe to try.

Instead, since you are in Plan B, when she called asking to do dinner, you say "Look, I would love dinner. But I told you where we are at. Until OM is gone, then we can have no contact. Period. When that changes, please call me. Until then, I leave you with that letter. Goodbye." And then you hang up.

It is a very small tightrope sometimes in Plan B. You want to remain dark...but at some point, if she is trying to come back, there will have to be contact. At the very least, to tell you that she has met the conditions of the PBL.

So, any communication that happens between you should be you reiterating the Plan B conditions...and then ending the conversation or contact in a civil matter.

Walk lightly here GG.

In His arms.

GG,

Oh, they all think the truth is foolish and those that follow it are idiots. It is the fog they live in.

I understand what SH is doing here. Keep up the good work.

The Lord will get thru to her.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Thanks, MM....

The 2 big conditions of Plan B letter is to contact SH and state NC.

SH has concurred with WW contacting him to allow him to offer her hope of a happy M rather than martyrdom. She would LOVE to be back together, but has (as others can attest) perfected the fine art of cake-eating. There has been no indication that her taste for cake has changed. OM can't meet many of her needs that I do, hence she wants me back TOO.

I suspect (maybe cynically) that much has to do with OM being unemployed, OMW works in a coffee shop, WW works only p.t., and I make a fairly decent living. WW knows that she would not be able to pay bills on her own.

Georgia

Which may mean that Plan B may need to go even darker. But, just stay dark. Dont let her cake eat. When she wants dinner (read: cake), you just politely tell her not until PBL conditions are met. Let her live in that world alone. Let her ponder what is about to happen. Let her see you living your life and moving on. She will get scared that she is about to lose everything.

Stay dark...move forward. Be confident. And of course, trust the Lord.

In His arms.

WHEW!

I am so relieved that MM is here with you. What a blessing that he returned in just the right time.

I agree with your mindset, though, that your WW is not at the MODIFIED PLAN B STAGE when they are working their way back.

I also agree with your analysis of her reason for trying to CAKEEAT.

It seems that she needs to volunteer more information about- her means of NC/or plans for session with SH -in order to show that she is moving towards reconciliation. I did specifically share with my FWH HOW AND WHAT that he needed to communicate with me. So during my MODIFIED PLAN B that was what he began volunteering to me in my limited conversation with him. The point is I knew he was serious because these were the first words out of his mouth. I didn't have to ask him. For example, he would leave messages indicating "I'm ending it", "I'm going to write that letter". He knew that he could leave messages on my voicemail although I would not answer the phone.

I don't see such steps with your WW yet. She needs to show more signs than asking you for dinner. However, maybe you can be more directive with her about HOW AND WHAT she needs to do and say.

Make sense?

I'm nervous about anyone figuring out my identity on here, Georgia, especially my YS who knows about this site so I'm not sharing his major right now. It's in a math/science field.

My assessment of the WW situation. She is uncomfortable with what is going on, but not really in pain. She's lonesome, but she wouldn't be if OM were here. I don't think she misses ME, I think she misses companionship. She once told me that OM referred to me as Mr. ATM. I think that is hiting home with her...no GG, no money, no insurance, no nice house, no nice car, no p/t job, etc.

In the conversation with her several weeks ago (after she tried to kick my door down), I referred repeatedly to contacting SH. Her response was to disparage SH and his web-site. So...she has been told, clearly, that she has to contact SH. She knows the path, it's well lit, she's got to decide if she wants to go down it or not. So far, she doesn't.

On the school issue. I've got to tell you that I've got a gut feeling that he is at the school that I attended. I don't know why, and I'm probably wrong. The school I attended is a major math/science/engr. school in a coastal town.

That would be very, very odd.

Georgia

I agree with you. You have the path lit. Now you STAY DARK! She really needs to feel the pain.

That's one reason that I'm disappointed the Tucson trip got canceled. I could disappear for almost a whole week (starting tomorrow AM) with no clue (to her) of what had become of me. Assuming, of course, that she didn't remember that it is time for my quarterly meeting.

I'm a conf call right now with the guy (and a bunch more folks) who is going in my place...I'm kinda disappointed about that.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Hi GG,

I agree with Mortar man about using her attempts at contact to reinforce your conditons in her mind.

It wouldn't be bad to get in something about how it hurts too much to know she puts him first, (along with what MM suggested) but one or two sentances total would be fine.

I was disapointed your trip got cancled too, I was just about to get on and tell you what I like to do when In Tuscon.

Oh well, maybe another time.

I am afraid you may need to sell the house, or file before she will reallly look at what is going on. Hope I am wrong.

SS

Hi SS + all,

Thanks for the comments. Okay, her next attempt at contact will reinforce in some way the PBL concepts. I, too, have considered that the time may come that I have to move on to the next level to get her attention.

Thanks for the Tucson comments. I was reminded today that our summer meeting has been canceled and I am hosting our fall meeting right here in beautiful Georgia. So much for those company paid vacations for a while. Man, I wish I could get that Tucson trip back!!!

Oh well, the trip to the mountains will be nice this weekend. I'll probably make another trip or two to both Houston and San Antonio in the not too distant future.

WW isn't home tonight, I don't know where she is. It's really peaceful here when I come home and she's not here (should I feel guilty about that? Nah...). When I got home I went out and sat by the pond and on the deck for a while. I don't get to enjoy those things as much as I like to anymore.

Anyway, thanks to all for their comments today.

Mortarman, thanks for dropping by with your thoughts...come back anytime (the door is always open).

Mimi, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with the college question. I'll drop it. (Your first name isn't Condelezza, is it?).

Georgia

CONDELEZZA??? LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She's not married and doesn't have any children!!

How about Jennifer Lopez? An OLDER Jennifer Lopez, that is!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Okay, I made you LOL.

I've got a picture of Mel Gibson from Braveheart (with the long hair and all). Whenever I'm meeting a business associate for the first time, I tell them I'm sending a picture and I send that one. (I think I secretly WISH I looked like that!).

I'll assume you to be a J.L. clone (+ a year or two). But only if you ASSUME me to be Mel Gibson.

Okay, enough frivolity.

Have a good night.

Georgia

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Georgia Guy:
<strong> ......In the conversation with her several weeks ago (after she tried to kick my door down), I referred repeatedly to contacting SH. Her response was to disparage SH and his web-site........
Georgia </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry if I am asking a question that has already been addressed.

Does your wife have access to a computer and could she be reading your comments since she knows about this website?

Gimble

Good Morning,

Yep, she does have access to a computer and it is possible she could be reading these comments. I don't think she is, but if she is she is welcome to chime in and add her comments if she wishes.

Georgia

If she's at all like my FWH during his addiction, this is the last place where your WW would be. She is working to maintain her delusion about her A. She hates anyone or anyplace that offers her a dose of reality.