Georgia:

How are you?

I hope you don't mind if I remark on your diet! I agree with the need for fruits and veggies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'd be more concerned about the fried okra and the ribeye steak (because of cholesterol) rather than the Swiss Miss.

I don't understand your concern about the ADs. ADs are benign, not addictive. An AD can greatly improve your health at this point. What you are going through is traumatic. Emotional trauma can be physically damaging. I don't mean to be preaching to you, Georgia. However, I don't understand your concerns about the AD if this is going to be helpful to you at this point in your life. Would it make sense for a diabetic not to take insulin if necessary to prolong his life ? The same goes for you.

Later, my friend.....

Good Morning again...

Let's see, a few minutes between those pesky meetings to respond..where to start.

FH - I, as well as the rest of the GG gang, have met with one of the assoc pastors of our church. He is the one we trust, the one who can be compassionate and resolute at the same time. He has appraised the Sr. Pastor and asked that I meet with him, which I have up until now avoided. However, I will be meeting with him this Friday. He (IMO) is long on resolute and short on compassion.

CarenMc - It is flattering that Mortar has me in that race, but I'm afraid I'm not within sight of that finish line. Mortar doesn't have the advantage of understanding my WW's tenacity. However, I hope we can all claim victory soon. I was reading your posts, my heart goes out to you for having to put up with all this. I'm always saddened by the stories where children are still involved. I guess we're all capable of any sin, but it just boggles my mind to see a parent leave their own children for the temporal pleasures of the OP.

Okay, on the diet stuff. I do normally eat more fruits and veggies than yesterday. Ex.: Sunday I had (for dinner) baked chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, (and, of course, peach coppler). Lunch was ashamedly one of those Mexican combinations.

Day before, big plate of veggies along with fried chicken at one of those "gorge yourself all you want" buffets.

Okay, so stay away from red meat and fried foods.

On the AD issue, maybe I'm being irrational. I did indeed feel better on the Lexapro. So, Mimi, are you saying that IYO the AD could have a positive impact on these other issues? I'm especially concerned about the tryglycerides (how do you spell that? WORD doesn't have that in it's spell check, so I can't cheat like I normally do).

Thanks to all for the posts. Meeting time.

Georgia

Hi Georgia:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, so stay away from red meat and fried foods. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep! You've got it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, Mimi, are you saying that IYO the AD could have a positive impact on these other issues?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep-in answer to this question, too. The AD will help with your OVERALL PHYSICAL WELL-BEING. Plus, you were handling all of this a lot better when you were on the AD. Remember your response when she accosted you at the door? Your reaction was cool. Now you are sounding more despondent. That is expected but I think you need assistance with uplifting your mood. I took an AD throughout the entire PLAN B. I did a lot better on it.

Staying away from the fried foods and red meat should help with the cholesterol levels.

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

And, in addition to the diet changes, don't forget that tonight is pottery night!!! Odd how a 48 y.o. guy can get excited about pottery, isn't it? #2S jokingly suggested I go to the crocheting class at Michael's. (That doesn't do it for me).

So..low stress night tonight with getting my hands in clay. I can hardly wait. If this Plan B thing gets to the point that I have to be committed, I've already got a jump on the rest of the folks at art class.

Oh yeah...lunch today was a side salad at McD's with ranch dressing. Okay...I cheated and stopped by the dollar store and bought peanuts to put on my salad. I LOVE PEANUTS!!! Is that okay, or does that fall into the red meat, fried food category of no-no's?

Georgia

LOW SALT, LOW-FAT PEANUTS are acceptable! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The pottery class counts as an AD, BTW!!!

GREAT ATTITUDE TODAY!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


P.S. I forgot to share with you that some of this is coming from not only my professional background but also part of my turning 50 stuff. I have a personal trainer who stays on me about my exercise and diet program. I am sharing some of my regimen, gained from her, with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> LOW SALT, LOW-FAT PEANUTS are acceptable! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, in that case I know that my choice of salted red-skin peanuts is a no-no. I would assume that we're talking dry roasted here, that's what I'll get next (or maybe investigate some other nuts as a substitute).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> GREAT ATTITUDE TODAY!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks. I've discovered that my really, really tough times usually only last for 1 or 2 days max. I think a combo of IL's this past weekend and my parents wanting to talk about this at lunch yesterday really got me down. They're still reeling from the day WW showed up and gave them 2 hours worth of what poort IL's they have been. That hurt them a lot, they've always loved her like their own D. I feel for them, but I REALLY don't want to hear (and rehash) all the details. However, I can say that Plan B is CONSISTENTLY better than the "in your face" attitude I was having to endure from WW for so long.

One sure way to get WW's attention would be for me to hire a P.T. Brings a chuckle to me to think about it. A good ol' boy with a P.T.!! (Can I get a good lookin' one?).

Okay, being more serious. When our church opened the gym about 2 years ago, they hired the local director of the Y who has an undergraduate degree in P.E. He help me set up my exercise regimen that I now follow. However, he's no longer with he church, so I don't have him to advise on dietary issues.

All right, I wasn't going to bring it up again, but since you did..... What's with the sig line? Do you have some psychological block about updating it? Come on now, it's not that bad. Even J.Lo. will be 50 someday.

Georgia

Check out the sig line.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yep, dry-roasted peanuts!!! I couldn't think of the word.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One sure way to get WW's attention would be for me to hire a P.T. Brings a chuckle to me to think about it. A good ol' boy with a P.T.!! (Can I get a good lookin' one?).

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, jealousy or the suggestion or allusion that you are "moving on" is a part of THE PLAN. . There was a MB Poster that used to encourage me regarding this. He said it was key.

Funny story about yesterday. My FWH and I work out regularly together at the gym. There's a wierd guy there that's been stalking me (for want of a better term). I told my H that I was ignoring this guy for that reason. H puffs up and says: "Let's make it clear to him who you are" so he introduces me as his W. Much later on, H asks, "What was that guy saying to you that made you uncomfortable?". It was still on his mind that someone else may have been interested in me. WOW!!! I remember him saying that he used to be concerned during PLAN B that "some other man would move into HIS house". He has said that he would have "hated" for that to happen. You see, I never used to think of him as being jealous of me. I had taken my R so much for granted over the years that I forgot about this element of it all.....

FOOD FOR THOUGHT....

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

That is a funny story..FWH is jealous now, eh? Amazing...

WW has always been so jealous of me that she can hardly let me out of her sight. I don't know what she is thinking right now as she has no clue where I am or what I'm doing most of the time. I have quit wearing my ring (since our discussion that day). She noticed it the next day when I came in and said "I see you're not wearing your ring anymore. Are you advertising that you're single?". I just said "I thought you didn't want to be married to me anymore". #2S told me later that she e-mailed him and #1S and told them Dad isn't wearing his ring anymore. (It made the desired impression on her..).

Congrats on accepting that you're now 50. I'll be there in 1 year, 3 months. (You may not want to know this, but you can join AARP now!!!). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FOOD FOR THOUGHT .... is all low-fat and cholesterol free.

Georgia

Good Morning to all –

First, let me say that pottery class was wonderful. I can really see myself doing this every Tuesday night for a long, long time. It is extremely relaxing, and just the atmosphere of really tacky bluegrass music and the interaction with the other students is so nice. Everyone seems to just drop all their stress of the day and sit around and talk and joke with one another. It’s hard to explain, but these folks I have now seen only 2X seem almost like old friends. Perhaps the BIG news is that I made a FISH!! And...it’s a doggone good fish, too! I do think I can declare that it is ART.

Now, for the less pleasant subjects at hand. Last night after I got in bed, WW knocked on my door. I went to the door and she said she was balancing the credit card statement. She said she saw a charge for a hotel and wanted to know whom I took to Charleston. I thought about it, and decided to answer her rather than letting her assume I was with some OW. I told her I took #1S/ DIL to First Night. Then she started on other charges...”who did you take to a movie?”...”who did you take to dinner?”, etc. I told her it was NOHB, she needed to read the letter. To which she added some expletives and told me to forget the *&%%*& letter. Anyway, a long tirade from her ensued with everything from why don’t I eat the cake she left for me to why do I have to act this way. I kept telling her to read the letter. She started this thing again about how I could be OM’s friend, too. That if I hadn’t ever told anyone, there wouldn’t be a problem. This whole thing is my fault as it wasn’t a problem as long as no one knew. That neither of the S’s should have ever known what was going on as it isn’t any of their business. There is way too much to remember and write here.

Right in the middle of all of this, she says “you went to a pottery class tonight, didn’t you?” I said “yes I did, and it was a lot of fun”. She said “I knew it. When you came in, you were way too happy. I knew you had been to a pottery class”. You would have thought I’d been to the local wh**e house, it was like I was supposed to feel guilty about pottery. Very strange. (BTW – I wrote a check for the class, I suspect she saw the check posting to know that I had enrolled.)

Then, it got serious. I asked if she is still contacting OM (duh). And, of course, the answer is “yes, but we don’t talk as much as we used to”. I told her that, just like the letter says, she must write a letter telling him that she didn’t want to talk to him again the rest of her life. And, I told her that she must contact SH. Needless to say, she did not take kindly to either suggestion. Said she would never do either. I told her in the most direct words (without anger) that I have used to date that if she didn’t end her R with OM, I would not continue my life with her and that I would divorce her. And...I told her that it wasn’t going to be a long time coming, that I had been putting up with this for 5 years and I would not live one more day of my life sharing my wife with OM. Then, I closed the door (she was still standing in the landing).

As soon as I closed the door, I heard her storm down the stairs. I knew immediately what was coming. I opened the door and heard her calmly put our dogs in her bedroom, then she went to the garage. She charged back up the stairs with my big hammer in her hand (one of those used to drive spikes in concrete). I was standing in my bedroom door with the phone in my hand, she stopped at the top of the stairs when she saw me. I told her (again, no anger and calmly) to turn around and put that hammer away or I would call the cops. I told her that if I called them, I would have her booked into jail for domestic violence. She told me that she would break that door knob off again if she needed to. I, again, told her to put that hammer away or I would call the cops, then I slowly started hitting the buttons. She turned and left before I got the last “1” punched, so I hung up.

I went back to bed and just broke down after she left. I can’t believe this is the same woman who is the mother of my children and the woman who I have loved and trusted with all my heart for decades. I think she has truly, truly gone completely crazy.

Georgia

Oh, Georgia:

First, regarding your good news, I'm so glad you discovered the pottery class.

Regarding your WW, YUK!!! Don't you think it's time for an emergency consultation with Steve? I just don't see how this inhouse PLAN B is going to work. I certainly could be wrong. However, this sounds dangerous. She is certainly out of control and not close to making any sense. At least, when that was the case with my WH, I wasn't around him. We did have a couple of dangerous altercations though. WSes are crazy while in that fog. I think it is a form of temporary insanity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This whole thing is my fault as it wasn’t a problem as long as no one knew. That neither of the S’s should have ever known what was going on as it isn’t any of their business </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so classic! My FWH tried to hold on to this same delusion it seemed forever...that the A was my fault. Actually this is a good sign because she is expressing her anger over you bursting her bubble. The fantasy is over. She is mad that you blew it for her. She is feeling the pain of PLAN B! Oh how I wish you would have let her think you were with another woman. Didn't I tell you yesterday that was an important part of the plan. If I wasn't so sad for you, I would be hitting you with a 2X4. You owe her NO EXPLANATIONS regarding your time. Somehow she got to you. It's important to ignore what she has to say because she is an alien. Get what she said out of your mind. The important task is for you to continue to reiterate and standby your letter!! Even though she said to forget the letter, she recognizes that you are not backing down from it and you will take care of yourself!She showed that she was being a bully by backing down when you threatened to call 911. She is not as out of control as we may think that she is.

So I think the PLAN B is being effective. My only question is can it continue under the same roof.

OH, GEORGIA! I know all of this sucks but you can make it through this. I'm sure of it!!!

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Good Morning, Mimi...

Thank you for posting so quickly.

My last SH session, he said that this (Plan B) should continue "unless she does something really big, like go to Vancouver". Well...I consider last night something really big.

Mimi..I'm not wanting to do anything really, really drastic (that's a joke, isn't it?), but I am seriously considering calling the lawyer today and getting an appointment. I'm debating in my own mind if it's time for a legal separation or to file for a divorce. I'm wanting to drive a stake thourgh the heart of my "conflict avoider" (like you obviously have) and make a decision here that is not going to be easy or popular.

Please put your 2X4 away, I've been living this hell for 5 years now, and I'm just about ready to get on with life. Thanks to MB (and in large part to you), I have the strength to do that, which I didn't have only months ago.

I do think that WW is dangerous. After our altercation last night, she got in her car and left for about 2 hours. I've not said this as I may be wrong, but I have reason to believe that during these middle of the night excursions, she may be going to #1OM's house.

More later....

Georgia

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

Yep, I'm thinking you need to get distance from her. However, I think she is the one who needs to leave the house! You probably have grounds to have her escorted away. Maybe her parents can come pick her up.

Whatever you do, think in terms of her leaving and you staying. She is the one who does not want to commit to her marriage. Plus, you don't want that OM in your house.

Thanks, Mimi..

You summed it all up..."this sucks". (not a phrase I use often).

I must go do real work (if I wasn't so far behind, I'd take today off). Not easy to continue to work on days like this, a lot of people look to me for leadership and I've got all this going on in the "background".

I'll post more later, but I think I know where I'm heading on this. I think you know, too.

Thanks for your friendship during trying times.

Georgia

GG:

That latest update is truly scary.


As the resident expert in avoiding plan B forever, let me tell you what I think. Do your best thing, whatever, this is just my opinion.

Your W sounds a lot like mine. Very strong-willed, opinionated, determined, and very quick 2 anger. She gets physical as well, but never against other people (which is good), just objects (like hammers and doorknobs, perhaps).

I've also been the primary breadwinner in our household, though during the 2nd A and for a year and a half after d-day, my W could have struck out on her own if she wanted 2. She didn't want 2, is the point.

But those were my primary reasons for not doing plan B, or if I were 2 do it, I'd want 2 do it at home. We have a big victorian house and can avoid each other a good deal of the time if we want 2... or so I would have thought. Like your sitch, I think I would have quickly gotten myself in2 a si2ation where we were having these semi-infrequent encounters/altercations like you just had.

Think about what was accomplished by it for a bit. She got a handhold on your side of the fence in her struggle 2 remain firmly rooted on the fence. It may not have sounded very rewarding, but in a perverse way it was, 2 her. Right now, the drama and her anger are sustaining her - at your expense.

Look what's happening here while these things are going on. You're obsessing over what she's doing, whether you admit it or not (look at my old posts and you'll see that I did the same thing, but vehemently denied I was obsessing). The biggest clue is your speculation about where she's going during her late night drives. Like her wondering who you're with when you go 2 movies and stay in hotels.

You need 2 remove yourself from this drama and heartburn. I don't see any other way but 2 get out (or encourage her 2 get out).

When you are being successful not obsessing in plan B, it'll be when we hear more about how your pottery classes are going and how GG is growing and much, much less about how your WW is waffling.

Suspiscion can be a healthy self-protection mechanism at times, but it can also be self-destructive if it rules our thinking.

best,
-ol' 2long

GG,

I agree with what you and Mimi are saying. Your WW has upped the stakes again with her behavior last night. Really I think she crossed the line when she destroyed your first door knob.

I think you should call SH and listen to what he has to say about all of this. I suspect it is time to contact an attorney and find out what your choices are legally. I don't think it needs to get any worse before you take further action. Her treatment of you is unacceptable.

Sheesh, if you were female and she were male - you'd already be in jail with that kind of behavior. It's not ok...she needs further natural consequences for her actions - and you have the right to protect yourself.

Georgia,
Hang in there. You're doing everything you can, with the right help and the right attitude. My FWH and I are a recovery success story.

I don't post often and only lurk occationally. But, your strong resolve and committment to your family is worth a quick read and post. (My prayers are with you)

I'm 43 and FWH is 45, now M 24 years with D-20, S-18, D-14 and S-10. They were between the ages of 13 and 3 when FWH was abducted by aliens.

H said all the things your wife is saying to you. He wanted to know my every move, blamed me for his A, and told me I would have to change to make our M work but refused to end his relationship w/ OW. I made SO many mistakes. Unfortunately, I didn't know about MB. NO plan A and lots of LB. I begged, pleaded, cried, harrassed, and exposed the A. I petitioned for D, custody of my children and asked for a RO. H had no controls. He wasn't recieving my bills, couldn't 'track' my every move and wasn't allowed to enter my home to see the kids at his convenience. H told everyone I was now using the children, which is alien fog talk.

My plan B letter was created with the help of my paster and Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" 4 or 5 months after WH moved out. Dark was MY protections from the h*!!. I never went completely dark because of the children. I see now, complete darkness, w/ a mediator would have proven more successful and less stressful.

After 14 months of seperation, WH moved home and we started our recovery. Recovery was difficult and long, but worth every minute. I never dreamed my WH would come home and work so hard at our M. We are a success story. Even w/ All our mistakes we survived.

You have the strength and the wisdom to rebuild a relationship w/ your W if that is what you want. Keep up your resolve. And as Mimi said DARK! Stay in prayer and believe God will bless you.

By the way, my H is jealous when he thinks another man is looking at me. A little ego help for a 43 yr old mother of 4 and a soon to be grandmother.

Another couple of thoughts;

It may be important for you to document/journal what she is doing for 2 reasons - she may need to come under the care of her doctor/parents should one of you move out. Dates, times - are probably right here in this thread. They will want to know of her bizarre behavior so support can be in place. I'm sure her parents will consult with her brother as far as what to do that's best for her.

I expect it will be important to tell your attorney journaled info as well to protect you should she begin to tell lies. But mainly I think it's important that she have a support system in place before you make a move. I think I remember you have a good relationship with her doctor - I definitely think he/she should know.

double post

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

GG,
I want to support the concensus of the others. Distroying property means your W isn't thinking rationally. Keep yourself safe and go completely dark. She needs to know you won't accept this behavior. You did a great job avoiding physical contact last night. Reinforcement may be needed.

I'm speaking from experience. With my 'in your face' attitude, I was bruised and battered by my WH. No, he has never abused me, but in a highly emotional situation like yours it may happen. My H was was trying to leave and I wanted him to hear what I had say. I just wasn't speaking alien.

Stay safe and contact Steve. My prayers are with you.

I would like to thank each of you for your kind words and taking the time to post.

This has indeed been a day of much reflection. I could fill a chapter with my thoughts, but that would be a bit futile right now. As much as I trust SH and his counsel, I am now at the cross roads of having to decide how I want to proceed. In the same way that I knew when Plan A was over and time to move to Plan B, I know now that it is time to move on. I anticipate that some, or even most, may not agree with my course of action.

I will be meeting with my pastor, as well as each of my S/DIL’s pastors this Friday afternoon. I think it important that I advise each of them of the pending actions. This is especially true of #2S who is on the staff of his church.

I am going to spend the weekend away in reflection and meditation as I weigh my actions and the consequences thereof. Also, I am going to spend some time deciding if I should pursue a legal separation or file for divorce. I respect the work of SH and the opinions of my very, very close friends here but this is something that I’m going to have to decide and live with myself. I only hope that those of you who may disagree can at least understand what has brought me to this point.

Monday night I will go to the home of the S/DIL’s and meet with them together in one of their homes. I will spend the evening with them and advise them of what I have decided to do, and probably spend a lot of time in prayer.

Tuesday at 3:00 PM I have an appointment with the attorney. No matter which course of action I pursue, I will try to assure that OM can’t move in if I move out. Strange as it may seem, I can hardly bear the thought of trying to have her legally removed from our home to force her to live in an apartment or something like that. But...I’ll see what advice I get from the attorney on that.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and kind words. As I read the threads of some of you and what you are going through, I almost feel guilty making my case seem so significant. I know that many of you have suffered more than I, especially those of you with small children. My prayers are with you as well.

Today...I prefer to be Carl.