That is very fortunate news G.G.!!!

It's too easy to try to overthink the WS's mind...let it go...she wil think and do whatever she wants/needs to right now. Plan B is about letting her be to do and think away. If she comes back with denials about the session and testing of SH's credentials, just be confident in your own beliefs in the man and his purpose.

To answer your question FYR, we are fast approaching the 2nd year anniversary of the weekend FWH met OW, and early March will be two years out from d-day. Recovery started in August 2003. It was pretty fast...but there had been years of FWH seeking OWomen and porn use, it was a tough habit to break. People can change, but only with the right motivation. I realized I was not creating a peaceful home life, and I changed (cut out LBs) and Plan Aed, and when he moved out and Plan B ensued...he didn't want to lose this new and improved Still...

G.G. This is a baby step, but the first. Think about what a new M would have to be like with WW. It's too easy to settle for less.

All -

I have called MB and asked for an appt with SH today if at all possible.

Georgia

FGG:

This is all indeed good news. Be careful not 2 get your hopes up 2 high, though.

My W agreed 2 talk 2 Penny last spring, 2. She said "She's nice, but I'm not interested." after the call.

Must not have gotten very deep. Penny's NOT nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She did read "Why We Love" which was recommended by Penny.

I may have in effect enabled her by not ever doing plan B, but I've felt that I need 2 do this "my way", recognizing that it takes longer this way. I take responsibilty for my choices.

I hope for great things for you soon, FGG.

-ol' 2long

Thanks to all.

I have rec'd confirmation that SH will call me sometime today to discuss.

Georgia

GG!!!!
I was away plan Bing for the weekend and when I come back and look for you you are on pg 2 and a whole lot of encouraging things have happened!!
At least something has happened. I can´t wait for your update.

FGG - good to hear from you. I am glad to hear that wife talked to SH no matter what her motivation was since that was technically unimportant at this stage.

Sorry I haven't posted sooner, I haven't felt good today (stress related) and this weekend was very difficult due to issues with younger daughter. Did you and your gang get your cleaning day done?

Also curious as to whether you've heard anything from the church 'front'. Well, I guess since your in Plan B, maybe hearing what the church has or has not done/said with your WW might not be good. LOL..and I was one of the folks saying not to seek out/receive info about her..guess I was just curious where this stood or if you had heard anything more on it. I must admit this part fascinates me especially because of my church's poor response to my own marital dilemma. If you haven't heard anything, don't seek it out just to appease my curiosity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I'm glad to see that all your support 'gang' here on MB has been posting throughout the day. I was thinking of most of them today (Mimi, SHMI, CSUE, 2Long, etc.).

Regards,

FYR

PS: You do know that despite her words to the contrary, it still is NOT truly about the umbrella or the car, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: FYR ]</small>

Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you, too.

Songbird

GG, or FGG, or.......
You know who I mean.

Many of us don't post much, but we read, and we care , and we think Mimi is doing a good job, so it free's us up to go post to others.

We will keep praying for your family - for the best possible outcome.

Wanted you to know more people care about you.

MIMI -
You are doing a great job. Many of us read, but don't post becasue we save our time to help others, because GG is covered. It floored me to see you wonder ( a few pages ago) if you were doing any good. I wish we all could do as well. Thanks for your example, and your wisdom. Thanks for giving your time to help. I would have said something sooner, but I thought you knew. I think GG feels the same, and I think he has said as much many times.

I hope this works, will keep praying. I don't have anything to add as far as advice.

GG, another reason many of us don't post is that you are on the right track. It looks like you are doing all that you can do, have proper help, and that you won't falter, and blow it any time soon, (like any time in the next 200 years.) We have a lot of faith in you. I hope you feel the support.

SS

FGG -

Ditto Still Seeking...

Mimi, you're doin' great!

From another frequent reader, seldom poster.

Gib

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

GG,

I also read your postings everyday. I wish the legal stuff wasn't necessary and that you could stay in Plan B for a while without it...but often that's just not possible. I know that the wheels of the courts go slow enough that this has time to turn itself around. I am anxiously awaiting to hear what SH has to say about your situation and I keep you in my prayers. I am so impressed with the support you have recieved from your sons....you have obviously raised two fine boys and are no doubt proud. Mimi....pat yourself on the back chere for doing such an outstanding job helping GG....I know you have been his rock.

Good Morning all -

I had to leave suddenly yesterday and didn't get a chance to follow up. During a teleconference, and while I was bored, I went to my bank web-site to look at our checking account. I saw that a check for $2,500 had bounced Friday morning, then my paycheck was deposited Friday afternoon. As you may recall, WW told #1S that she had paid a lawyer $2,500 to file for a divorce. So...before everyone figured out that my paycheck was in OUR account, and the lawyer could indeed now be paid, I made a mad dash to the bank to withdraw my paycheck. Fortunately, the money was still there and I was able to withdraw it.

Now, onto the SH issue. WW did talk to SH. SH and I talked around 5:30 yesterday afternoon. He wouldn't say much except that she did talk to him and they are scheduled to talk again today. I'm not sure if today will be the day that he introduces the NC concept to her or not, but right now it is just wait and see.

This may seem strange to you all, but I'm really watching this very cautiously. This has been going on a long time, about 5 years or so. And, I know that this isn't what should be in my mind right now....but, heh, we're all friends here, right?

I gave her the letter 2 months and 1 day ago yesterday. She has bragged to #1S how peaceful the house is without Dad. She lost the R with her own kids, went through Christmas without her family, missed #1S's 25th birthday, missed #1DIL's 25th birthday, and accepted the loss of my parents as well as pretty much her own parents, all for the sake of OM. However, one week after losing her car, most of her money, and some furniture, she's on the phone with SH. Okay, I know FYR is right that "technically" the reason doesn't matter, but really it kinda puts a big cloud over my head. So...we will see where this all goes. I heard her and OM refer to me once as "Mr. ATM". Well, I'm not really too interested in that role anymore.

Anyway, send all 2X4's my way if you wish. If I say anything otherwise, it wouldn't represent how I really feel at this point.

Georgia

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 07:20 AM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

FGG:

No 2x4s. I think your position on this development is a sensible one.

Ask SS 2 tell you his metaphor about quitting smoking. It's a good one.

-ol' 2long

I heard her and OM refer to me once as "Mr. ATM". Well, I'm not really too interested in that role anymore.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think you need to go deep and dark in your plan B...

please make sure your children give her NO info on you...
please make sure your children give YOU no info..

let her miss the money
let her miss the car
let her actions and thoughts swirl in her brain without you doing anything..
let her miss you as well...

she may well have seen you as a package...

let her miss ALL of them...

And I'm not sure that YOU need to talk to SH right now...
may keep you too far sucked in to her fog...

ARK

G.G.,

Another frequent reader seldom poster here. I make a point of keeping up with your sitch because you *are* doing so well, I find it encouraging.

I can't see how you'd feel any way other than the way you're feeling right now. Regardless of what your W says is important to her, her actions certainly suggest she was willing to lose her family but not the financial support. I think if I were in your position I'd feel kind of kicked in the gut and angry all at the same time.

I think Plan B is going *great* for you.

If your W continues down her prideful selfish path, then you'll have obtained perspective and clearer vision. It won't be quite as hard to lose her if she continues to demonstrate such immaturity, self-centeredness, and total disregard for the feelings of her "loved ones."

If your W decides she wants to mend this M, you know that Financial Support is probably her top EN. That will help you understand her better in the future.

Also, you've been through unimaginable stress over the last several months and now you have a bit of space and peace. I don't think you're relishing it yet, and that's okay. Your focus will shift from the past and your W and the pain toward yourself, your present, and your future - whatever it may be.

Anyway, mostly I wanted to say "count me amongst your fans".

Georgia:

You know I'm a conflict avoider. It is really difficult for me to say these things to you. However, I have really developed an understanding of your WW believe it or not. I knew she would call Steve H. I have been sort of following her train of thought. She is trying to assert herself with everyone. It is partly a MLC thing.

My question to you is: Have you had a pattern of doing this to her? The pattern I am referring to is--I am not sure how to put this into words. You are not sharing your feelings. Is this part of what she has been craving?

You are giving us lots of facts about your situation now. Recently, you have stopped sharing your feelings. In your previous post, for example, you are not communicating clearly about how you are FEELING about your wife, your marriage and your future. I am struggling to read in between the lines and to figure out where you are coming from.

Your WW is acting no differently than my FWH. She is working towards meeting your conditions. She is in counseling with Steve. Two sessions, two days in a row. FANTASTIC.. My FWH did crazy stuff with money. It is a standard part of the script.

YOU'VE COME THIS FAR TO TURN BACK NOW? This is not a 2X4. I'm just trying to understand. Did you really want out of the marriage? Were you not meeting her ENs because of your distance? Has this allowed you to get in touch with your true feelings about her?

Is she not the woman that you need for her to be?

Edit:

I'm noticing how I am disagreeing with the others. I do disagree. I don't think she has seen you as an ATM by the way. That is the role that you adopted in your marriage.

I think that your PLAN B has been effective!! You definitely need to continue with counseling with Steve Harley if you plan to try to recover your M. If you don't want marital recovery, then don't do the counseling.

Steve considers what she is doing to be on track given that he rescheduled with her today. He sees her as working on some sort of goals with him. Your WW is working with him more than my FWH did. He is getting loads of valuable info. about your sitch in his contacts with her.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

mimi:

Good call. I think we all tend 2 lose sight of the real objective here. Not only 2 survive, but 2 flourish.

best
-ol' 2long

Wow, Mimi....you ask hard questions.

Perhaps I'm not so sure of my own feelings right now. If I recall, SH used an illustration in one of our previous sessions when I told him how I was feeling about her, which was not REAL anxious to get her back. He said if you had been hit in the head with a hammer daily for 5 years, then it stops, you might not be too anxious to have it resume at a later date. I guess that's where I am. Each time I say to myself, "okay, this is it, time to move on and get a new life and see what life holds for me", the hammer reappears.

I have indeed loved her with all my heart, given myself to her in every way I know how to do so, but right now I'm feeling really used. That is the feeling that I can share right now. I felt used before in that she seemed to like what I could PROVIDE for her, and now it seems like her actions are even confirming that all the more. Does this make sense? and, does this answer your questions about how I feel?

Confused...angry....and somewhat fearful, all at the same time.

Georgia

Georgia:

Question for you. Let's talk.

FINANCIAL SUPPORT is one of my Primary ENs. Because I want my H to fulfill that for me, am I viewing him as an ATM? He promised to do this for me when we got married. That was part of our unwritten agreement. He was the primary provider and breadwinner.

This is a need that the OM cannot meet which is making you more attractive to her during PLAN B.

I don't understand why you are feeling USED.

Edit:

I think what is concerning me is that I am hearing more about how this is ALL ABOUT HER. We need to go back to the MB viewpoint, if you would like, of taking a look at how you contributed to the atmosphere that led to the A. Do you continue to buy into this philosophy/viewpoint at all? Even if you do not choose to reconcile with your WW, this sort of thinking will help you avoid making the same mistakes (for want of a better word) in future relationships.

I'm saying, how about more of a self-focus? What can you learn from all of this in order to make yourself into a better person? What is YOUR PLAN?

Now, I am getting to where I wanted to go as I think of it. Lately, you have seemed to focus on what she is doing and what she is saying. I have been hearing less about yourself. I understand this, Georgia, because I was like that. Others can perceive this style as CONTROLLING. Is that how your WW has seen you? Is that why she is now trying to assert herself? Is she saying, I WANT TO DO IT MY WAY NOW THAT I AM A GROWN WOMAN, MIDDLE-AGED AND SICK!!

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

GG,

Count me in as one who needs FS from my husband; and he knows it. I think you're sensitive about it with good reason however - you haven't minded providing FS to your wife when you had a good marriage. But that's not ALL you want to provide for her and you certainly don't want to provide it for her and OM.

"The Recovery Process". You know when my husband and I finally settled down to do some serious coaching with SH, I wasn't sure where I would be at the end of coaching. How can you possibly know? I wasn't sure after giving it all we had, whether or not we would stay married.

All I could commit to was giving it my best...but until I saw how the results unfolded I wasn't ready to commit to staying in my marriage. And in my case my husband was remorseful immediately upon d-day and committed to NC.

So from my perspective I don't know how you can yet have any faith in your marriage based on what you've been through. What I did have faith in was the MB philosophy, and my trust in SH to act within my best interest, my husband's best interest and we all agreed that the goal was to save the marriage if possible.

SH will tell you not ALL marriages should be saved. He will not BS you or lead you down a path you don't want to go.

So my thoughts for you are suspend all judgement, detach, take care of you and leave the burden of your wife's process up to SH.

Like I've said before, her path with SH will be difficult. My husband almost permanently stopped in the beginnings of the recovery program. He didn't think he could do what SH asked him to do.

Eventually he did, because I made coaching with SH a condition of continuing our marriage. I needed to be sure and get proof from an outside authority that he was a "safe" person for me to be married to.

Did I know what the answer would be when we started? No, and neither did my husband. We didn't find out the answer until we fell back in love during the recovery process.

Regardless of whether or not we chose to stay married, the process of recovery gave me peace, clarity to either stay in the marriage or go.

Mimi -

I think I understand why FGG feels "used".

His WW lost the support and closeness of FGG, their sons and daughters-in-law and parents on both sides, yet she continued in her affair.

She did not start to comply with FGG's terms until he withdrew financial support and material goods.

It's probably a hurtful thing to think that you and your family are less important than money.

Yes?