Good Morning to all -

With all due respect to all of our TX friends, I'm glad to be back in GA.

Jeb report: Jeb is back home and feeling great. He had Coccilia. I'll not pretend to understand what that is, but he's on a special diet for a week as well as other meds. But..he's doing good.

I cooked lunch for the family yesterday after church. Grilled those chicken breasts, fries, salad, biscuits. #2DIL brought a cake. It was really nice to have them all over and visit for a while. #1DIL thinks she did well on her panel interview Friday, now she's got to go to individual schools and meet with the principals for one-on-one interviews.

Yesterday morning I turned on the TV for a few minutes before church. My (former) church was on, and it was very hard to see so many of my friends in the choir that I haven't seen for 3 months. I miss my church and my friends. I am, slowly, making new friends at the new church. We're having a "pot luck" supper St. Patrick's Day, and I've signed up to go (SS class).

There has been absolutely no news on the WW front. She did try to call a couple of times on my cell, but I didn't answer and she didn't leave a message. She wasn't the topic of ANY conversation yesterday when the family was at the house. I think the boys, especially #1S, needs that "distance" right now as I think he is feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing and he needs to back off some. Also, he's got other issues to face that can be stressful.

He and #1DIL met with their builder for the first time Friday afternoon and are getting ready to get started on their house. And...on Friday the transmission went out on their car and the dealer is estimating up to $3K to fix it. So....Friday was a big (and hard) day for them. However, in better news...they sold their trialer last week to a couple that are coming to school next year and they've already received a check for the full amount (which they needed as DP on their house).

AD - I understand your comments completely. As I've posted here, I've been surprised at some of the forwardness I've encountered. It's kind of like a "sub-culture" that you don't know exists until you become a part of it. And yes, I too agree that life is frightening. I've been M to WW since only 4 months past when I was a teenager. That was a long time ago, life without her is scarey. Sometimes I wonder not only about "the dating pool", but I wonder about me. Do I have the discipline to continue with who I am? How deep is my relationship as a Christian? Who am I, really? All these things really weigh heavily on my mind. And, Kayla, I never did photograph the door, but there is ample evidence of her actions should I need to counter those accusations.

I met my other neighbor yesterday afternoon. A 30's guy who is a deputy, and his wife. A very nice couple, they live in a house built in 1918 and are in the process of restoring it. They've been married 2 years, he has 2 small girls from a previous marriage. His advice to me was to "be as mean as you can" and get whatever you can. I'm having a hard time with that "get what you deserve" mentality, I really still don't want to hurt WW (paradox, isn't it?). I regret that she has chosen a rabid attorney to represent her.

And, while I'm rambling, this was the first business trip I've been on where I had to come home to an empty house. That is really, really tough. It makes you wonder why even come back home? When I left Houston, they had overbooked and was looking for volunteers to bump. I volunteered because there was really no reason for me to come back home. No one wanting for me, no one to care when I came home. This is tough....(but I didn't get chosen, so I still came back to ATL Friday night).

Amyway, enough of that for right now.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With respect to divorce attorneys, you need to understand that their ONLY job is the dissolution of a marriage. They are NOT interested in saving marriages or being "nice" to the other spouse. They make less than a "wonderful witness" of Christian principles to everyone observing the "goings on" in a divorce. The "work" solely on behalf of THEIR client and their fees.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Morning, Georgia:

Surprise! Surprise! I totally agree with FOREVER on this. I had this experience. I still think your attorney ripped you off. Did you let your attorney know that reconciliation could be an option for you?

FOREVER: Don't be offended. I agree with you on a lot of issues.

Georgia: I'm really busy this Monday morning. Will be back later.

Okay, an update for all -

I just talked to my attorney's office. They received papers from WW that she has filed for divorce. I guesst that is what I expected, but I feel like I want to puke.

If anyone thinks this is "taking the easy way out", they really need to rethink that. This is my best friend for the past 3 decades that is now telling me that she doesn't want me anymore. The rejection is indescribable.

Oh well....what can I say? This stinks.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They received papers from WW that she has filed for divorce.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Georgia:

I hate this for you. However, I continue to want clarification about what this means in your state? Does filing for divorce mean that you have to get a divorce? How long is the process from filing to actual divorce?

My FWH and I signed legal separation papers on Friday and had SF on Monday. These are just legal documents, pieces of paper, not sealed in stone...

I have been struggling to understand this process for you. I guess I don't think like a lawyer.

Off to lunch... Back a little later....

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Carl, so sorry for this new development. But it's not final, at least not yet.
I'm glad Jeb is better.
Hugs

FGG,

I cannot speak from personal experience, but I have had more than a few friends and acquaintances get divorced. Listen to your neighbor, and listen to him very carefully. You cannot go into court and be a "nice" guy. Courts are not about determining "fair", "nice", "correct", they are to determine winners and losers. Sorry, I have had friends male and female go into court with the idea of being fair and have come out cleaned, because the other spouse had a bulldog of a counselor, and when they didn't put up a fight, they kept pushing for more and more and more, and before the person trying to be fair realized it, they were cleaned out.

You can be kind to her AFTER the divorce if that is your choice and inclination. But, FGG you had better turn your attorney lose to defend you fully or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Your W is mental in my mind, and she has hired a lawyer with a reputation for gutting people in public. You cannot argue or reason with either sort of person. You already know this. The lawyer will stop only when you MAKE her stop. Your W will NOT see what she is doing to you, take pity on you, or show you any mercy. She has not for over 5 years.

I know this is a promarriage site, but FGG when it comes to divorce and the court system, it is win or get run over. She will do her best to make you "pay" for her sins.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Georgia:

I'm getting confused about your belief system. I'm not as learned as FOREVER, not a Biblical scholar at all. I just know that I have maintained my strong Christian belief in marriage. I agree with him that THE WORLD and CHRISTIANS speak different languages. I continue to believe that evil forces are at work at breaking up marriages. Evil forces can come in the form of lawyers and neighbors as well as OM. In my opinion, GOD brought you and your WW together and it is not up to any MAN to bring you apart.

What I've trying to say to you is that, in my opinion, you should proceed cautiously in your dealings with lawyers and the legal system. They are not supportive of the covenant of marriage. Also, I would keep in mind that your WW is not rational and is likely to be taken advantage of by this system just like she is being caught of in the evil web of the OM. They are all evildoers as far as I am concerned.

It is up to you to be the sane one here and the righteous one. I would stall for as long as possible given the limitations of the legal statutes in your state. I don't agree with being mean or fighting with your WW. I think you should follow PLAN B. Remain dark. Let her do all the legal maneuverings to end the marriage. Stick with your PLAN B conditions.

Am I making sense here?

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Okay, folks...here is the days events so far (Mimi, answer to your queries shortly).

This morning I received the following e-mail from WW (addressed to me and both boys):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please do not send any text messages or emails to my phone. I recently cancelled those capabilities including web access.

#2S, it was good to see you and #2DIL last night. Thanks again for the cake, it was good.

#1S, sorry we had to cut our conversation short. Thank you for calling.

Love you,

Mom
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, about 2 hours later, I called my attorney’s office to see if there was any update. He is out of the office today, but his receptionist said there was a letter from WW’s attorney. She opened it while I was on the phone and said that it is the papers from WW filing for a divorce. The preliminary court date is March 28.

I immediately ASSUMED that both boys must have known about this as they (from the cryptic e-mail) obviously communicated with her last night.

So, I text messaged both of them and told them I needed to talk to them. #2S called first, I asked how Mom was and if she had any significant updates. He said she was very pleasant and didn’t say anything of any significance. I told him that I needed to talk to him and #2DIL in person and asked if I could come up tonight to visit. He said sure, so I’m going to see them tonight.

Then #1S called. I asked him same questions. He said that she told him that she thought Dad might be going to file for divorce and he told her that yes, I might do that. But...she didn’t tell him that she had already filed. I think he is quite upset and feels like she misled him about this. He said something like “Did she think we wouldn’t find out?”. He also told me that I couldn’t tell him anything about her that would surprise him unless she killed someone. I don’t want to go into details, but #1DIL’s brother is in big legal trouble and his W kicked him out of their home this week. They have 2 kids. So....stress is heavy with #1S/DIL.

I think this is significant enough that I want to spend a few minutes with them all tonight. I think I just need to encourage them in any way I can.

Now, Mimi and others, let me see if I can address the various thoughts.

As I understand it (a novice, you realize), there is a “prelim date” to determine immediate pressing needs that the judge may need to address before the actual proceedings. My attorney said issues such as any outstanding medical issues or significant bills will be immediately addressed. Then, the actual court date is set for the hearing before the judge, which is generally 30-60 days later. This can change as each time either side gets additional pertinent information, the attorney can ask for 30 days to evaluate. So...it can be quickly settled in as little as 30 days, or can drag up for up to a year if one side so chooses. Also, as I stated, either side can request a trial by jury.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm getting confused about your belief system. I'm not as learned as FOREVER, not a Biblical scholar at all. I just know that I have maintained my strong Christian belief in marriage. I agree with him that THE WORLD and CHRISTIANS speak different languages. I continue to believe that evil forces are at work at breaking up marriages. Evil forces can come in the form of lawyers and neighbors as well as OM. In my opinion, GOD brought you and your WW together and it is not up to any MAN to bring you apart.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I’m not sure what you’re confused about. Yes, I believe that evil forces (aka Satan) is at work tearing our marriage apart. I also suspect that one instrument being used is her rabid lawyer who may get thrills from gutting and draining guys like me. Yes, my attorney is one of “those” people too, but that doesn’t mean HE is out to destroy marriages. Maybe I’m gullible, but I believe him to be a sincere Christian man who can keep my best interests at heart while reflecting Christian virtues. Keep in mind that he was recommended to me by my church staff, and he is a member of my (former) church.

I continue, against the advice of some here, to be very vary of wanting to turn this into a “fight”. However, I’m beginning to wonder if I need to change that view. Keep in mind WW’s earlier comments to #1S about “Dad not knowing what this is going to cost him”, and the fact that she knows how much money OM has, and he (I’m sure) knows exactly how much money I have. I still don’t mind the 50/50 split of assets, but I really don’t think I’m out of line saying she should AT LEAST have to work full-time to support her self after this is all over. I WILL fight any huge alimony settlement that allows her to continue her cushy live style at my expense.

Help me understand, Mimi, what I can do that will make you feel that I am acting any more “sanely” at this point. My inclination is to run down the street naked and screaming, but I’ve so far resisted that temptation.

Being redundant, I believe that anyone with any cognition of spiritual matters HAS to see that this is a spiritual battle. However, what do I do differently at this point? I will listen to any suggestion. Just remember, I told WW (3 months and 1 day ago) that with NC with OM, we will work on the marriage. Instead, she has filed for a divorce.

Georgia

Why does this have to go to court is my question?

Why is it so easy to file for divorce in your state? What does a person do who wants to stall the process?

I'm trying to understand this and then I'll respond more.

I'm sorry Mimi...but I don't know the answer to your questions. I suppose that if WW / I agreed to a settlement, it could be completed at the "prelim" court date. I don't know if it is possible to end it outside of court.

And...I don't know much about the stall process other that what I told you.

I expect to talk to my attorney either later today or tomorrow. I'll find out more then.

Any ideas are welcome.

Georgia

FGG:

Is Georgia a no-fault state?

If not, it seems your W is taking a big chance that you might sue for DV because of adultery.

Also, does the province that OM lives in allow for alienation of affection lawsuits?

It would be far better not 2 have 2 go for the jugular. More for your own sanity than anything else, I feel. But sometimes it's called for.

-ol' 2long

At last, some questions I can answer.

Yes, GA is a no-fault state.

And...adultery is only if actual sexual intercourse has taken place (and I ASSUME it has not).

I have no clue about Vancouver, B.C.'s laws, but I doubt that will come into play here in any way.

Georgia

I think it is agreed that your WW is being influenced by her attorney and other bad forces. It just makes logical sense to me that a person should have the option of not going to court and not agreeing to a swift divorce. Of course, we all know that the world is not as logical and fair as we want it to be.

I agree with the need for you to protect your assets from the OM. I don't agree with the need to proceed swiftly to divorce nor do I agree with the value you of you and WW fighting it out in court. I would wonder if there are other options.

Folks that are not familiar with the legal system are not made aware of the other options. Just in my case, the bigtime attorney made it seem like I had to go to court. The smalltime attorney allowed my H and I to sign papers in her office that she filed downtown.

BTW, if it matters at all, I know of a wealthy Iranian family with close ties to the Shah. They have money in a bank account alright but they will never get their hands on that money again!!

I've got to admit that I am really, really confused about what to do at this point.

I just got an e-mail from WW (to me, #1S, #2S) that is forwarded from her school account letting me know that one of the teacher's MIL died last night. No comments, just a forwarded e-mail from the headmaster. Why??????? File for divorce last week, and send me some "normative" e-mail. I don't understand it.

I will discuss with the attorney the option of settling out of court. Of course, that will also (I assume)expedite the process. Right now it is hard to explain how I feel or to know what I should do. I am SO confused. I still get into this very SURREAL thing about wanting to sit down and talk to my wife and tell her that I've got a problem that I need her help with. I know she'll know just what to do because she ALWAYS is so wise and she'll be there to comfort me. But then...reality hits home again and I remember that she doesn't exist any more, it's just this WW look-alike. Kinda like a horror movie, if she put her arms around me then I would suddenly be able to see this horrible satanic-like monster and realize that it isn't really my wife at all.

Alright, wallowing in self-pity which serves no purpose at all. I do, however, think that the tag team of WW and RA (rabid attorney) will try to leave me living in the 'hood even longer than I want.

Georgia

EDIT - I need FYR to jump in here. She seemed to really be able to get into the mind of WW. FYR....you out there?

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

Yes. We need FYR!

You've got it, Georgia! What happens when she comes out of the fog? Will this be too far gone to turn back the hands of time?

I almost wish that you could talk to her about this. I'm whispering this to you because I know how you must feel. I'm worried that she is being taken advantage of by the attorney and really needs somebody's help. This is all so YUKKY!!!!

YIKES!!!!

And...just to finish my pity party (fat lady hasn't sung yet).

I know that you (Mimi) as well as other BS's MUST understand what I am feeling about REJECTION. How do you deal with it? This woman that I have committed my life to is now telling me that she had rather divorce me and "be done with me" than lose her internet beau. Man, the things she and I have been through together and all the GOOD TIMES!!! Our kids, our (future) grand kids, the experiences that we've shared that NO ONE else can ever understand because we've done it together. How can all this, 30 years, be washed away by lover boy? And...not to belabor the point, but the feeling that the one person who knows me better than anyone else in the world DOESN'T WANT ME. Man...this doesn't do much for one's self-worth, does it? How do you deal with this?

Georgia

FGG,

I know what you mean about the rejection - and I've only been married about 1/4th the time that you have. Even though I married late, w is my one and only. She is the only woman who ever (however briefly) loved me, and wanted to be with me.

It's hard to be objective (whatever that means) in this situation. I cannot evaluate myself.

But, GG, for whatever it's worth, you seem to be a great guy - and I'm sure that if you don't want to be alone, you will have opportunities to find a lady who more than accepts you. No, you won't have all that history - but I think you will be not rejected.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly G.G.:
<strong> I know that you (Mimi) as well as other BS's MUST understand what I am feeling about REJECTION. How do you deal with it? This woman that I have committed my life to is now telling me that she had rather divorce me and "be done with me" than lose her internet beau. Man, the things she and I have been through together and all the GOOD TIMES!!! Our kids, our (future) grand kids, the experiences that we've shared that NO ONE else can ever understand because we've done it together. How can all this, 30 years, be washed away by lover boy? And...not to belabor the point, but the feeling that the one person who knows me better than anyone else in the world DOESN'T WANT ME. Man...this doesn't do much for one's self-worth, does it? How do you deal with this?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you answered your own question, Georgia. The simple fact is, that your history together can never be supplanted by the other man, or the actions of your wife. You have two great sons as proof of your history, no matter how badly she tries to rewrite it.

The other man can never measure up to you. It is not going to happen. It can't. It doesn't matter how hard they try. The fact is that the relationship your wife has with the other man will fail. I suspect that you already know it will.

The real question is and was; what are you going to do about it?

She has done what she has done. She will do what she will do. The only control you have are the things you can control. That means you make the best decision that you can based on what you know, then you accept whatever the consequences of that decision are. That is how you live with it.

As for your wife not wanting you, that is also not true. She has demonstrated her desire for you, even while she demonstrated her desire for the other man. She wants you. Her rejection is due to resentment. The resentment is from her not getting you, her way.

Hang in there, Georgia.

Gimble

This hurts my heart for you.

I just don't buy that she really wants a divorce. I think she is being influenced by the OM and her attorney or else she thinks you want a divorce because you have been acting out of character.

I would explore the idea of slowing things down in some way and/or settling out of court.

Thanks for the kind words AD, Gimble, Mimi...

I agree that WW doesn't WANT a divorce. However, I think her message to me is that if she MUST choose between me and OM, she chooses OM.

I guess that is the risk of Plan B. If you are going to force a choice, you have to be prepared for the choice to not be the one for which you had hoped.

Georgia