About Jeb,

When you adopted him, did you buy dog toys and chew things (like pig's ears or hide bones?) Because my friend's Corgi got very sick from chewing those things. Pieces he chewed off irritated his tummy, he had bloody runny stools, etc. The vet told her that a lot of dogs get sick from that type of thing. I also learned that when dogs get bones (even nice "soft" bones like veal chops, which I cook a lot) they can bite off pieces of the bone and the slivers get stuck in their throats or go into their guts and poke the lining. Something to consider.

Definitely get him to the vet. And if you bought any chew toys, bring them with you to the consult.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

I'll respond to AD / Belle later. I'm leaving to take Jeb to the vet.

I'll update...

Georgia

Georgia:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said the sad part is that usually the attack on the spouse (me) is usually very vicious and causes deeper long-term wounds than already existed before she got involved.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No offense to your attorney BUT I don't buy this. It's his job to ensure that this does not happen. He needs to bite back as viciously as her or you need another attorney.

Better yet, though, I agree with AD. I had an experience through this with an attorney who tried to rip me off. Saw me and saw dollar signs, wanting a percentage of our assets. That attorney would also have led me straight to divorce court. Wow, did I feel abused and almost taken advantage of by him. He thought I was stupid! From my understanding, a legal suit is not necessary and is costly. Is there a way that it can be communicated to your WW that she stands more to gain monetarily if you and she could work this out together with the same attorney? I'm somewhat suspicious about why your attorney did not suggest this to you.

I've had some professional, not personal, dealings with attorneys behind the scenes. Even the best and most honest of them, don't have the scruples we do. I would be proactive in suggesting to your attorney that you want to procedd the simplest way possible.

My FWH and I ended up using the same attorney for MY separation agreement and the attorney charged a fee much lower than most other attorneys in town. The most important thing is for the document to be legal. At least, suggest that you would like to negotiate with her attorney and NOT GO TO TRIAL. Again, going to trial is not necessary.

Sorry I can't help you out with JEB. Hope all goes well with him.

GG,

Is Jeb current on his vaccines???? I hope so. Let us know how he's doing!

Okay, the Jeb update -

Jeb doesn't have a fever and no discernable parasites from a stool sample. The vet said he can't rule out parvo due to the onset of vomiting prior to diarrhea. When I took Jeb in I forgot to take the records with me, so I went back home and got them to drop by the vets' office. According to the records from the rescue folks, he had various vaccines, including parvo and rabies, on Feb. 21. I've asked the vet to call me to advise if parvo shot on 2/21 will allow us to definitely rule out parvo. He's had none of the things Belle refers to, only IAM's mimi-chunks dry food.

Meanwhile..back at the ranch...

Perhaps, Mimi, your argument is with me more than with my attorney. My attorney had asked me on the initlal visit how aggressive I wanted to be with her, and I told him that I didn't see any point in being aggressive. I told him that I would agree to a 50/50 split of all assets including retirement funds. (Of course, he's not presented this to WW or attorney).

He also said the whole thing could be finalized at the "30 day" hearing if I so choose and she agrees. However, he could use that hearing to gauge how aggressive the "other side" is going to be to allow him to prepare his response accordingly. I also thought it best not to "rush" this divorce as (foolish as I am) I am not 100% convinced it is over yet. I assumed you agreed?

The "viciousness" of the attorney would be during meetings with just us 5, (judge and 2 parties). My attorney tells me that in our county (not a state thing), either party can request a jury trial. He tells me the difficulty of the case will be up to how hard she wishes to make it. Keep in mind that quite a while back, WW told one of the boys that Dad didn't yet realize what this was going to cost him. So far, this thing has cost me $4,000 ($1,500 my attorney - on retainter, $2,500 hers). I suspect that her attorney will play up her med issues to make me look like a real heel. Of course, I can counter that WW told me that she was concerned whether or not OM would stick with her like she knew that I would.

May seem a moot point, and kinda dumb, but I really don't want this thing to turn into a mud slinging match. I'm still not angry at WW, just feel really hurt and rejected after all these years. This, too, may be difficult to understand. But, if the divorce is to be, I'd rather it be her that is filing it. Maybe a small consolation, but it would keep me from ever having to second guess my own decision.

Anxious to hear what you all have to say.

Georgia

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

GG,

I think your proposed settlement is very generous under the circumstances, and I doubt that she would get any more than that in court. You guys have only lived in that house (if I remember correctly) 2 or 3 years, so she can't claim that she would be separted from her long-time home etc.

All she is doing is costing both of you money.

Diverging to my situation...

In our state, retirement funds are untouchable in marriages less than 10 years. That's one of the factors that leads me toward D now. I don't want to wait another few years and end up having to split my retirement funds with a W who's 20 years younger than I am. W has for a long time said that we will D sometime - just when she is ready. Now, I'm starting to not care if she is ready.

I hope you, and your WW are ready.

You know, it seems to me that, strangely, BH's are generally happier than WW's. At least I think it is true in your case and mine.

-AD

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly G.G.:
<strong> Anxious to hear what you all have to say.

Georgia </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Georgia.

Switching into my 'protect Georgia" mode.

Get someone to help you put together a portfolio of her past behaviors, including the stalking on previous affairs, her pursuit of the other man, and her stalking of you. Some PI's are good at this.

File the paperwork and an affidavit.

Have your lawyer get aggressive and utilize the information as needed. I believe that it is the only language that your wife and her lapdog are going to understand.

Don't offer 50 percent. You can always give her money or retirement after the fact.

Your wife is wayward - for whatever reason. Don't avoid conflict by being nice. Nice is not always the Christian thing to do. Right now, any money your wife gets is going to go to the other man. If you feel sorry for her two years from now, then give her money, but make sure that it is your choice and option as much as is practicable.

My honest opinion, not filtered.

Gimble

GG,

I'm glad Jeb is feeling better. I hesitate to say this, but here goes...

I'm hoping your veterinarian is at a hospital that is AAHA Accredited (American Animal Hospital Association). They have a website at www.healthypet.com that has a hospital locator service for veterinary hospitals that voluntarily meet the higher standards dictated by AAHA.

Parvo was my main concern when I read the symptoms you described. Some areas of the country have a greater problem with parvo than others...it's a dreadful disease.

Hope he continues to be Ok; but if he starts showing the same symptoms you previously described, you'll need to take him immediately back to your veterinarian or a 24 hour hospital if it's after hours.

Ok, off my soapbox!

Glad Jeb is ok.
Sorry about your situation. Can't help at all I'm afraid. But I do understand your wanting her to file.
All I can send you is a big hug

GG,

Another thought...

I think the "attack dog" is a manifestation of your WW's pride. Can you think of another way you could give her to express her pride and defiance - without costing both of you thousands of dollars?

What if one of your S's calls her up and says "I heard that Dad is spending thousands of $$ on this D. That's terrible! Why can't you talk some sence into him - to do it the easy way?!"?

Then, her pride will be satisfied when you do it "her way" (which actually would be ok with you, but she doesn't know it).

Sorry... I know you don't want your S's involved.

I know you still want to save it. I want to save my M too, and honestly, I think you have a better chance than I have. When the reality of the impending D comes to you, I expect it to be a very dark day.

-AD

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Thanks, AD.

You know, I haven't really thought about that until you just said it. There is no question that WW is more miserable than I, and it is all because she MUST have OM. A real paradox. I guess that is another subject.

Jeb update - Vet just called and said that due to 2/21 parvo vaccine, it is highly unlikely Jeb has parvo. He suspects something much less ominous.

Georgia

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

GG,

I just edited my previous post to add a suggestion. But you beat me to it and responded already.

I'm glad Jeb's prospect are not so grim.

How old is Jeb?

-AD

How do I indicate a huge sign? All this legal stuff is so confusing to me especially at the end of the day.

First of all, the laws in your state seem to be alot different than in mine. In my state, first there is a year-long separation. Then, after the year is over, either party can file for divorce. All my H and I did was to sign a separation agreement which was agreeable to us both. 4 months later, we were back together, making the agreement null and void. The lawyer I saw wanted me to sue my H which wasn't necessary since he was willing to give me anything I wanted; he really wasn't planning on divorcing me. It turns out that he was buying time with the OW in order to continue to cake-eat. That's my story for what it's worth.

[QUOTEI also thought it best not to "rush" this divorce as (foolish as I am) I am not 100% convinced it is over yet. I assumed you agreed?
] [/QUOTE]

Agreed. I don't think being aggressive is good on your part. However, I don't think your lawyer should back down from her lawyer, allowing this lawyer to hurt you or disrespect you in any way.

I don't understand how come you had to pay that lawyer so much. That sounds like a rip-off to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, if the divorce is to be, I'd rather it be her that is filing it. Maybe a small consolation, but it would keep me from ever having to second guess my own decision.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you on this.

The $1,500 is a retainer which he draws from on a cost basis. This is his estimate, may go up or down based on difficulty presented to him by "other side".

I don't think he will back down at all. However, he can't stop the words from coming out of the ladies mouth before he responds to them. He has already told me that the judges will dismiss much of what she says because they know her, but I will still have to hear her words spoken on behalf of my wife. That is the part that he says will hurt.

On the "getting back together issue". He has told me that if we sleep together while the D is in process, it becomes null and void and would have to start all over. However, there is no time limit on separation and he is taking the Dec. 6 "Plan B" date as the actual date separation occurred.

I am going to Atlanta tonight and spend the night for an early AM flight to TX. Back to ATL tomorrow night, and I may spend the night there again depending on how tired I am to keep from driving home late.

I can pick up Jeb up till noon (assuming he is well enough to come home).

Georgia

So you don't have to file for D, right? Just remain separated until if and when she files for divorce.

That is again another bridge to cross. As I'm sure you know, I have instructed my attorney to file. However, that is now on hold pending her attorney saying that she is going to file.

If she doesn't...then what? I have felt as though I am just enabling this whole thing by moving out, paying all her bills, and letting her live life as she wishes. Remember too the desire of her to have OM here, and desire of OM to divorce his W.

So...I have to revisit my decision. If she doesn't file...do I?

My head hurts, I'm not going to think about this right now. I'm going to my big ol' house, pack my clothes, and go to Atlanta. Last time I spend the night in Atlanta while depressed I had steak and lobster.

I miss Jeb.

Georgia

GG,

Did you ever photograph that damaged door?

Could be a very nice counter to any "controlling" accusation she could fling your way.

You were scared for your life in that house, remember??? you have the documentation on this thread!

Good Afternoon -

I only have a few minutes, in a meeting in TX.

However, I wanted to let everyone know that Jeb is going to be okay and I can pick him up tomorrow AM. He has some sort of intestinal infection picked up by environment around other dogs, possibly from the rescue kennel or pound. The vet had a name for it, I don't remember what it was.

I'm back to ATL late tonight, going to spend the night there and back home tomorrow morning. I hope to cook dinner for #1S/DIL tomorrow night and take them to a movie.

BTW - #1DIL is interviewing for a teaching position in our home town this afternoon for next school year. Pray for her success.

Georgia

Hey GG,

Good to hear that Jeb's going to be OK - and good to hear from you too. You "sound" ok.

BTW. I met a mini-schnauser last Saturday afternoon. I was sitting in the grass at the park with my 4-year-old and one walked by with a woman on a leash behind him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The woman, it turns out, is somebody I used to work with. (Keep in mind I am "still" married and definitely don't want any kind of woman trouble more than I've already got, so I'm not looking. OK?) But seeing this woman scared me, because at first I didn't recognize her - haven't seen her in 10 years - then, after she gave her name, I realized that she was somebody I definitely did not like. It made me worry about the future dating pool. How will I know that that pleasant seeming woman that I meet sometime in the future is not a jerkette?

Life is frightening.

The m.sn. was cute though - only 4 months old, she said.

I wish you well with your family plans - and good luck to your DIL.

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is again another bridge to cross. As I'm sure you know, I have instructed my attorney to file. However, that is now on hold pending her attorney saying that she is going to file.

If she doesn't...then what? I have felt as though I am just enabling this whole thing by moving out, paying all her bills, and letting her live life as she wishes. Remember too the desire of her to have OM here, and desire of OM to divorce his W.

So...I have to revisit my decision. If she doesn't file...do I? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Carl, here comes another post you probably won't agree with, but I guess I'm not ready to give up on you yet.

You pay the bills, etc. because you are MARRIED to her. Good, bad, or indifferent, SHE is your wife and doing things like paying the bills is but ONE of the many commitments YOU made in your vow of marriage. You are back to thinking like a "single man" again and it is flat our destructive to a marriage.

No, I have NOT forgotten that what she is doing is WRONG. But all that aside, YOU are her husband. YOU are supposed to be the spiritual leader in your house. Just HOW is "I'm hurt, she's not responding as fast as I'd like, therefore I'm setting up my own single's pad, getting a dog instead of a wife to 'ease my lonelieness,' and I'm getting a DIVORCE!" responding in a "Christ-like" manner to a difficult trial in your life?

While I would very much like to be able to talk to you wife, I can't. She isn't here. But you are, and you are a brother in Christ. So I'm still leaning on Christ here to help out in this Valley you are going through.

Separate? Fine for while. Destroy your marriage without trying everything possible? "Easy way out" instead of doing the HARD work or trusting in God.

What has been the result of "J's" intervention? Is anyone talking with your wife about Christ and obedience to God? Has the Pastor, who was going talk with her ever HAD that talk? If so, did he follow a Matthew 18:15-20 format to help her realize the error of the path she is taking?

Carl, this "enabling" thing you are lamenting, aside from your obligations as a Christian husband, ARE what Plan B is all about. You DO take care of the "essentials," but you leave the "relationship" side of the equation totally up to the WS and the OP. You are NOT enabling anything. You are fulfilling your obligations and commitments AS A HUSBAND. So stop second guessing yourself or flopping down into some self-pity.

With respect to divorce attorneys, you need to understand that their ONLY job is the dissolution of a marriage. They are NOT interested in saving marriages or being "nice" to the other spouse. They make less than a "wonderful witness" of Christian principles to everyone observing the "goings on" in a divorce. The "work" solely on behalf of THEIR client and their fees.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My head hurts, I'm not going to think about this right now. I'm going to my big ol' house, pack my clothes, and go to Atlanta. Last time I spend the night in Atlanta while depressed I had steak and lobster.

I miss Jeb. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya, I love dogs too. And I miss my Golden Retriever who died a year ago. But dogs will NEVER measure up to the "missing" of a spouse. The work needed to "train" a dog is often exhasperating and frustrating until they "get it," but most people stick with it rather than get rid of the dog if he's taking longer than the owner "thinks" it should take for him to "come around and learn the lessons."

A sick dog, from "other dogs," is a pain to live with, but the compassion of going for help from someone else who might be able to figure out what the problem is and work to restore the dog to health is compassionate and loving. Yes, you are deprived of his company for a "little while," but the end result of a healthy and restored relationship is "worth it." Right?

Your wife has a "mental and spiritual illness" right now. She may even be "sicker than a dog" right now. Is the solution to "put her down" or to try everything possible to save her and restore to health?

As I told my wife when she left to be with her OM, "you need to know that I will always love you. My commitment to you before God and family was for life. IF there is to be a divorce, YOU will have to file, because I will not."

Shall you "free your wife" to continue a sinful lifestyle, or will you shoulder the sometimes very difficult task of "dieing for your love, your wife, your bride, your fellow Christian?"

Carl, I'm getting very concerned about the disconnect you are feeling as you "settle into" a sort of single lifestyle.

God bless.