</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The point is...I CHOOSE to work on our marriage if we can do so with one man and one woman. I CHOOSE not to if my wife CHOOSES to continue her relationship with OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FGG, sorry for the irritation I've given you, but there is enough misunderstanding to go around.

I UNDERSTAND and I agree with the seperation. I, like you, WILL NOT tolerate another man in our marriage because that is a sin against God and "adultery" by definition.

I also agree with whatever you want to do on the financial front.

In fact, I suspect that we are very much alike in many ways.

I am very encouraged that she was filing a seperation agreement and not for a divorce because that indicates she is "not ready" for a divorce yet, but IS reacting negatively to your demands. Make no mistake about it, you are making a demand, even though it is right and justified. Still, human nature being what it is, most of us react negatively to things we perceive as "demands," especially when they conflict with what we perceive as our "wants."

Still no information about "J". What's up in that corner?

With respect to the Pastor and his focus on OM #1, that is not the current issue. "Witnessing for Christ" and "Obedience to God" are the issues that need to be addressed with your wife. Those issues will also address OM #1 issues as well as the "stalking" issue. You are both a part of his flock, right? So WHAT is his delay? This has been going on since October.

GG, I understand seperation and I also understand the need for communication with your wife, be it yourself or some surrogate who can talk with her about obedience to God and marital roles and vows. I could care less if her initial reactions are negative, I would expect that. But clearly delineated Scriptural references must be provided because she must understand that it is GOD who is talking, not you or some other human merely stating your "opinions."

This is pretty much the direction I took in doing a "modified Plan B." You MAY have to go to a strict Plan B, but I still argue for the need for someone to talking to her about God, regardless of whether or not you two ultimately divorce or reconcile. Yes, there are "years long" issues to address. THAT is precisely my point. Submission to God's commands MEANS submission in humbleness to the one who IS sovereign. It is part of being a Christian. So my "thrust," if you will, is not about you and your walk with Christ, it is with her soul and position with Christ because NONE of us is promised that we WILL have a tomorrow alive on this earth.

With respect to counseling...it's premature. But there is no doubt that if there is going to be a recovery attempt, an integral part of that should be Joint Christian Marital Counseling with someone who is both pro-marriage and pro-obedience to God's commands regardless of whatever "feelings" there might be.

God bless.

oops

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

Okay, I take it all back. I got a long e-mail from WW this morning. It is all about the things that need to be done around the house, the bills to be paid, the dog needs to go the vet, etc. And....she misses me very much and #2OM has helped her in some many areas. I have drafted the following response, I solicit comments before I send it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I continue to see things very differently. There are many things that need to be worked on, I don't deny that.

However, I think fidelity in a marriage is a committement, not a "goal". You at one time committed to me that you would "forsake all others", but yet you have not honored that committement. You tell me many things, but then later deny having ever said them. Once words come out of the mouth, they cannot be retracted. You consider this "sharing your feelings". I think that you need to realize that you are a responsibile adult who must accept the consequences of your own actions, and the things you say can be just as hurtful as the things you do..

You have for many, many years told me what a mistake it was to marry me. You've told me you should have waited on #1BF, you should have waited on #2BF, you should have gone away to colllege rather than marry me, etc. However, you've declared that God brought you and #2OM together. But I was a "mistake", never any mention from you that God brought us together.

You kept telling me how you felt "imprisoned" married to me, how you longed to have your freedom. You've told me how you would like to go live in Vancouver to see if being with #2OM was the dream that you thought it would be, or if you would get tired of him when you got to know him better.

On your physical needs, we discussed at length how you planned to make it without me. You told me that you had indeed considered whether or not #2OM would stick with you the way I had, and if he would be around to take care of you in your old age. You have indicated to me that you have consciously considered the ramifications of #2OM taking my place, and you chose to continue your relationship with #2OM.

For a long, long time I have been unable to have any kind of a "confidential " conversation with my wife, it was always fair game for a discussion with another man. I have not had a "help-meet" to share my burdens or hurts, because I could not confide in you as I knew nothing would remain confidential.

You told me on a number of occassions that you would have left me long ago if I had treated you the way you treated me. When I could no longer take it, I BEGGED you to allow me to have some peace in my own home by not having to constantly know my wife was on the phone with another man. But yet you CHOSE to ignore my requests and continue to flaunt your relationship with #2OM in my face.

Yet, you still see my jealous behavior as "irrational". This, coupled with the fact that you still aren't willing to commit to ending your contact with another man, indicates to me that my future with you will be nothing but more of the same. Of course, for a while things would be better, you would not talk to #2OM so much, but what would you do? How much do you expect me, your husband, to tolerate? Can you tell me that you are ready to commit to a relationship with me, your husband, that does not include IN ANY WAY - #2OM? If you can't say that, you don't need to be married. You need to, as you told me you would like to do, enjoy the single life that you never got to enjoy.

Do I miss you? Yes I do, very much. And I understand (and would expect) that you miss me too. However, your husband shouldn't be some one who fills your needs "part time", then another man fills them the rest of the time. No one man will ever be able to meet all of your needs, but those needs must be met through other wholesome channels, and that does not include relationships with other men.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well folks, is this one to send, or one to keep in the draft basket a day or two until my attitude improves?

Georgia

Very well spoken, or rather, written.

I have always believed in occasional, very occasional, and for very good reason, contact during Plan B. It is our duty to give our WS's a path back...that's what I see this letter as.

Some would say...don't send...don't break Plan B...

i would say...send it...be prepared for more fog babble back though. Don't let it be an invitation for a dialogue, unless she says those magic words, such as "I'm willing to do anything to work on our M."

I think touching base with her occasionally, to reiterate your points of plan B (NC with OM, that you still love her, etc.) is important. To show her the path back. To see how serious she is about missing you (or your money). To let her know when she reaches out with love, you will respond...but I wouldn't respond every time, this one time would be a good opportunity to respond, but the next chance for response you will have to up the ante', and only if she says she is giving up OM.

Remember Plan B is for you, to protect the love you have. If she spews back ugliness and hatred and venom, time to not listen again...if she spews back fog babble...reiterate you'll respond again when OM is out of the picture and she is willing to recommit to M...if she responds with a willingness to recommit, time to begin communication and start the proof trail (NC letter, phone records, email passwords, etc...)

Does she know you have a new dog? Have the DS's told her?

Hi, Georgia.

Quote:
======================================
I am going to talk to my pastor this morning (to correct the misinformation), and I’m going to talk to the attorney when he calls. My CA’er is telling me there will be 2X4’s, but sorry folks.

I am not willing to capitulate to the concept of me continuing to financially support her continued relationship with OM. I think the idea that she is going to “come to her senses”, “get over this”, or whatever while I’m footing her bills and she’s working 4 hours a day is unrealistic. As someone recently said on this post, the best indicator of future performance is past behavior – and her past behavior has not shown any indication of her ending this any time soon (like in our lifetime). I believe the best thing for her right now (and the best hope for our marriage) is to have to face reality, which a cushy separation certainly isn’t going to do. I reiterate my earlier position that this will serve as nothing more than enabling her further.
======================================

I don't see a conflict avoider here. Conflict avoiders don't make hard decisions, they just let them happen.

It seems to me that you have made a decision, and a good one at that. I see no compelling reason to feed the other man, or the illicit relationship, from ANY perspective.

I also agree that you played a part in the creation of a princess. Non-reciprocated doting by either spouse is bad news in a relationship. You are also right that her choices are NOT your fault. She made those, all by herself.

Regardless of the banter from different perspectives on this thread, the fact remains, that until your wife recognizes that the error she is currently embracing as truth is not, and decides to change as a result, that there is no potential for reconciliation.

That simple fact limits your choices. Protect yourself you must.

Only God knows what the future holds. You can only be expected to make the best decision that you can in the mean time. I personally think that a swift and firm legal action is the best course of action given your situation. I wish for your sake that isn't true.

God bless you,
Gimble

First of all, regarding the letter, I agree with Still that it's a good idea to send her a letter.

I could not finish reading it, Georgia. I think I probably agree with the content. However, I would change it into "I" statements. The use of "YOU" as each sentence is begun sounds paternalistic and demanding which is a major LB for your wife, would cause more justification and rationalization of her A.

I feel for your WW as you can tell today. I, like her, took a H like you for granted. OMG, I could fully understand if you had had an A rather than her. My FWH does take care of me again except now I do make sure to express my gratitude and admiration. Knowing that we have so happily reconciled, I can't help but feel that can happen for you. I am certain that your WW misses you. I am certain of that!

Rewrite the letter. Use I statements. Make it simple.

GIMBLE:

How do you feel about GODDESSES? I don't think you like PRINCESSES. I think some men like doing that, builds up their ego? My H continues to dote on me. I love it. I sometimes don't feel that I deserve all that he does and try to make sure to say thank-you now but he loves it.

He almost insisted on scrubbing my shower stall on Saturday. I could have done it myself and was planning on doing it but whatever makes him happy......shining my shoes....washing my car....

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Okay, I retract the "spoiled stuff". Fact is, I loved doing it for her. Yes, it would have been nice to have an occassional "thank you", or something similar in return. And....the fact is that I would do it again. I ENJOYED cooking a big lunch for the family Sunday afternoon, and I miss cooking meals for her. But....I don't miss being taken for granted, and I think that is the bottom line to this whole thing.

Now...Mimi, is this more to what you (PDG) think would be palatable to my PDW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I continue to see things very differently. There are many things that need to be worked on, I don't deny that.

However, I think fidelity in a marriage is a committement, not a "goal". At one time we committed to each other that we would "forsake all others", but I feel that this vow has been broken. I hear you tell me many things, but then later deny having ever said them. Once words come out of our mouth, they cannot be retracted. You consider this "sharing your feelings". We are both responsbile adults who must accept the consequences of our own actions, and the things we say can be just as hurtful as the things we do..

For many, many years I have heard what a mistake it was to marry me. You've told me you should have waited on #1BF, you should have waited on #2BF, you should have gone away to colllege rather than marry me, etc. However, you've declared that God brought you and OM together. But I was a "mistake", never any mention that God brought us together.

I've know you felt "imprisoned" married to me and longed to have your freedom and would like to go live in Vancouver to see if being with OM was the dream that you thought it would be, or if you would get tired of him when you got to know him better.

On your physical needs, we discussed at length how you planned to make it without me. I know that you have indeed considered whether or not OM would stick with you the way I had, and if he would be around to take care of you in your old age. You have indicated to me that you have consciously considered the ramifications of OM taking my place, and you chose to continue your relationship with OM.

For a long, long time I have been unable to have any kind of a "confidential " conversation with my wife, it was always fair game for a discussion with another man. I have not had a "help-meet" to share my burdens or hurts, because I could not confide in you as I knew nothing would remain confidential.

You told me on a number of occassions that you would have left me long ago if I had treated you the way you treated me. When I could no longer take it, I BEGGED for some peace in my own home by not having to constantly know my wife was on the phone with another man, but my requests were ignored.

I know that you still see my jealous behavior as "irrational". This, coupled with the fact that you have not shown a willingness to commit to ending your contact with another man, indicates to me that my future will be nothing but more of the same. Of course, for a while things would be better, you would not talk to OM so much, but what would you do? How much should I, your husband, be expected to tolerate? Can you tell me that you are ready to commit to a relationship with me, your husband, that does not include IN ANY WAY - OM? If you can't say that, you don't need to be married. You need to, as you told me you would like to do, enjoy the single life that you never got to enjoy.

Do I miss you? Yes I do, very much. And I understand (and would expect) that you miss me too. However, I shouldn't be some one who fills your needs "part time", then another man fills them the rest of the time. No one man will ever be able to meet all of your needs, but those needs must be met through other wholesome channels, and that does not include relationships with other men.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And...as far as I know she doesn't know about Jeb.

Also, my attorney has not called me back yet.

My pastor said he is going to call her in soon and would let me know when he does.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong> GIMBLE:

How do you feel about a GODDESSES? I don't think you like PRINCESSES. I think some men like doing that, builds up their ego? My H continues to dote on me. I love it. I sometimes don't feel that I deserve all that he does and try to make sure to say thank-you now but he loves it.

He almost insisted on scrubbing my shower stall on Saturday. I could have done it myself and was planning on doing it but whatever makes him happy......shining my shoes....washing my car.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that non-reciprocated doting in a relationship is a pattern for failure.

I am sure that it is easy to like being the recipient of a doter, that does not make it healthy in a relationship.

In the real world, there are no goddesses, or princes or princesses, only people. People easily become accustomed to behaviors that are not particularly good for them - or others for that matter.

It isn't that I do or don't like princesses, it is that I DO like truth. Fairy tales are good for entertainment, but little else.

God bless,
Gimble

Georgia:

I love this letter. Changing to the "I" statements made a tremendous difference.

Regarding the need for showing gratitude, I want to thank-you so much for how you have helped me/us with our YS. It's been going a lot better between my H and S. I have used wifely encouragement in helping him to understand how much OUR SON needs him. I have focused moreso though on PURPOSEFULLY calling him YOUR SON at times. Words do make a big difference don't they? I understand now how my FWH needs APPRECIATION AND ADMIRATION as a HUSBAND AND FATHER. You have helped me with this, Georgia. I, at one point, was feeling hopeless. We have a long way to go but I'm willing to take baby steps and I'm not giving up on their relationship.

Thanks again!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I like the communication angle.

I think you could view this as perhaps the beginnings of negotiating an end 2 plan B - or the M, depending on what it produces on her end.

On a related note, my W and I were watching the Today show a few days back where they interviewed a gal who wrote a book about "why women have affairs", and the people she interviewed for the book almost all said "because of unmet needs." My W teared up a couple of times during the interview.

But you know? I still think they missed the point entirely. And like SH himself was once quoted here as saying, paraphrased: People don't have affairs because of unmet needs, they have affairs because of weaknesses.

They don't protect their marriages or even themselves from temptation. Unmet needs is not a reason for having an affair, it's a rationalization for continuing it and avoiding the consequences of bad, harmful choices. The book author, who had an affair herself (her H was with her during the interview) didn't appear 2 have delved deeper than the unmet needs "myth" in writing her book. It is possible that the interview just wasn't thorough enough 2 bring it up. Like, I would have liked 2 have heard what her H thought about her own recovery efforts, and the purpose of writing the book. But without hearing about how they recovered, the book-plug interview was pretty shallow from my view.

-ol' 2long

GG,

Small thread jack here...2long -

Did you ask her why she had tears in her eyes? If not, there's still time. I think that would be a good discussion opener!

BTW you quoted SH beautifully. Unmet needs is never the cause of an affair. And failure to protect their marriage from their weakness of affairs is the cause.

How to protect themselves in the future from their weakness is the beauty of counseling with him....It is getting it straight from the horse's mouth but it REALLY takes a willingness from both the BS & WS to make it work. My husband was willing, and still it was a struggle to follow SH's instructions/homework assignments.

NC & counseling is just the tip of recovery. The real work is only then about to begin.

Edited to add: GG, I think that the separation agreement issue being on the table, a call to coach with SH is in order. I think he'll find the recent e-mails interesting as well.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

GIMBLE:

I have just been joking about the PRINCESS/GODDESS thing. I am feeling a bit insulted by your post. Should I be?

I am really very happy in my R with my H now. We both give and take.

I, like you, firmly and strongly believe in the truth. I also like to joke and have fun which includes playfully referring to myself as a GODDESS. Would it be better to call myself a MIDDLE-AGED, 50 YO WOMAN which is too much of the truth! YUK!!!!

Mimi, I BELIEVE you're a princes/goddess!!

It certainly does beat the yucky truth...I'm just so grateful at 45, there's a decent hair color out there that matches my personality!

Mimi...not a GODDESS????? NO WAY!!!

BTW - I saw the guy sing "Georgia" on A.I. last night. I'm sorry, I'm having a REALLY hard time caring about watching TV at all. I had it on for me and Jeb while painting, but it is BORING, BORING, BORING. And that Simon guy, why doesn't Paula just reach over and slap some manners into him??? How rude.

I turned if off after that and listened to the rain outside while painting. I've got a screen door that I can latch so Jeb can't go explore and I can leave the "main" door open.

Wondering aimlessly about now...I'm really beginning to like these old houses. If / when this is "OVER" (whatever that means), I might seriously like to buy one of these places to fix up. They are incredibly reasonably priced, but of course there is much money to be spent on renovations.

There, I'm ending the day on a more upbeat note.

Georgia

EDIT - And, I begin the next series of my pottery classes tonight. Translation: another $100.00

I so hated to miss last week, the Raku firing. But I was just too sick to go. I think we start on the pottery wheel during this class.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Formerly G.G. ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong> GIMBLE:
I have just been joking about the PRINCESS/GODDESS thing. I am feeling a bit insulted by your post. Should I be?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wasn't aware of your previous joking about being a princess, but there was certainly no insult intended.


All the best,
Gimble

FGG-

I realize that hearing it is not ‘personal’ does not make what your WW is doing to you any less ‘personal’ than it is feeling right now.

Regarding the whole ‘fight’ vs. ‘being nice’, etc. I think too many folks these days always associate a negative connotation to the word ‘fight’. In my opinion, in your sitch – to ‘fight’ means to protect yourself, to be ready to defend, to be ready to counteract, and to do whatever you need to do legally to not be taken unfair advantage of. God himself does not condone sin, nor does he want us to let people sin against us and Him.

I know you have wrestled with having to hold yourself back from alleviating some of your WW’s consequences. I know it has been hard on you watching her go down the wrong path. I think you have been also concerned about not doing certain things because they may be seen as ‘punishment’ or ‘unfair’ or maybe even ‘unchristian’. I think it is always wise to evaluate the motives we have when we are doing something – even when the motives we feel are ‘good’. However, in my opinion it is NOT your job to alleviate the consequences of your spouse’s sins. I'm not saying this is what you were doing - I just wanted to reaffirm my opinion on this for you/with you.

I think one of the BIGGEST problems you have in your situation outside of the obvious one of your WW and her selfish A, is that she has NOT yet experienced ANY major pain or consequence. Yes, I know you moved out..yes, I know her relationship with her kids has suffered. I guarantee you that she only knows this superficially and that it has caused her in her still present state to suffer little or no pain or remorse of any significance.

The other huge hurdle is that she is not even fence sitting at this point because she doesn’t even have to get up on the fence. She is firmly down on the side with the OM. Her A is being paid for and enabled. Now before you think I am hitting you with a 2 x 4, I am not! I am talking from a prospective WW viewpoint…not what you are actually doing or not doing. I understand most of what you have done, why you have done it, and I agree with about 80%. What I am working around to is this…you have a particularly difficult situation in that it is, as far as we know, only an EA. As you said the courts won’t recognize it as full-fledged adultery. Also, your WW can also rationalize that she hasn’t committed biblical ‘adultery’ because she hasn’t slept with him and getting the whole ‘everything is relative’ type of world view all of a sudden makes it easy for her to twist her beliefs to allow for her sinning.

So, we still have your WW in her fantasy world. She has not met him (to our knowledge), she has not slept with him, she has not seen him in his true world with his true colors. She has what she thinks she ‘knows’ of him. That is all she has and she doesn’t know yet that almost everything he has told her thus far is a lie and a perversion.

My own A started out this way – an online chat type thing, a friendship..then romantic feelings….and ONLY 1 year after I had first met OM in a chat room did I actually meet him in person and from the VERY FIRST moment I had warning bells going off that all was not as represented! I actually had some warning way before I had ever met him but I was so stubbornly set that OM was my ‘answer’..my ‘soulmate’, etc., that I was determined to pursue the relationship even at the expense of my kids.

I actually justified that in filing for D, I was doing my H a favor (and myself, of course). After all, this way H would be free to find someone who was better suited to him and could make him happy..and I could have my fabulous OM – my soulmate, my love, ack. I figured my H and I could eventually be friends and probably get along better than ever before because my M was obviously a mistake. The D was a way to correct a bad M that should never have taken place in my mind.

I am the one who filed because in Texas I was told that I would have an advantage if I were the one who filed. Also, I wanted to be with OM, so I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of my M. In your wife’s situation, I was torn between figuring out if she would go ahead and file or not due to you being the primary financial support. I was 50/50 on whether she would do it or you would. After hearing what type of attorney she had though, I figured she would file. I’m sure ‘shark attorney’ has filled her head with all sorts of tentative numbers that she can expect to get from you financially.

Of course, they will probably ask for more than what WW is warranted to have from Georgia law, and they probably figure you will give it to her. Why do they figure this? Well, your WW’s attorney already knows key, critical info about what kind of guy you are..let’s see…your WW is in relationship with another man (although I promise she lied to her own attorney about what she has done and not done) and you moved out..and you still pay all the bills..plus you have given her the dog your are closest to just because she asked. What your WW’s attorney knows is that you are in general, a pretty nice, generous guy (she knows this from your actions thus far or lack of actions not based on what your WW has said) and I feel that they are going to go for more than they deserve because they are expecting you will give it.

If I were your WW, that is the way I would play the sitch with my lawyer. I would also have drummed up ‘evidence’ of all years of inconsiderate behavior, controlling attitude on your part, etc. to build up my case. Trust me, a WS doesn’t even have to out and out lie to do this..what they do is take a normal incident and process it thru their sick little WS mind and then they start to build a grievance against you..which turns into justification…which snowballs into their reason for why they had an A. Your WW is sick right now and will stop at nothing to be able to continue what she is doing. Do not ever trust her to have anyone’s best interest at heart besides hers and the OM.

I promise you, the OM is probably spurring her on and offering her false promises based on her being able to ‘do’ certain things. He is going to take her to the cleaners for anything that she manages to get from you. He is not sincere, nor is he the kind of man that your wife needs, but she will not see this until it is too late. I think EA’s are often the hardest thing to turn a WS from. In Mimi’s situation, as heartbreaking and sickening as it must have been, I think her WS did spend time with OP and got to see some of the A glitter begin to tarnish. In your wife’s sitch, I don’t think it has begun to tarnish at all. It won’t until the final EN you meet is REMOVED – financial support. The other prob with this is that your wife is still in survival of the A mode which means she has probably already calculated somehow that she can survive on whatever she gets out of D settlement plus her own job. She has probably already rationalized surviving on less so that she can be with OM. Never mind that OM is still married because all of that will work out somehow. Your wife thinks she can survive this way because she HASN’T HAD TO DO SO.

It is just like a teen calculating how much they have to make so that they can move out on their own. They never calculate it right, they don’t take everything into consideration, and they are almost always scrambling from paycheck to paycheck. This is one of the biggest reasons that I am totally against you settling out of court unless your attorney can give you solid proof that what your WW is getting is close to what she would get via the court system. Also, settling out of court doesn’t allow for any stalling on your part. I also see ‘stalling’ as a good way to fight for your M, but I would NOT want you to stall if you still have to fully financially support your WW. That is like a parent continuing to give their teen money every month even though they know their teen is buying drugs with it. No one would ever enable their teen’s drug habit..and in the same vein, we need to find a way to remove your financial support of your wife’s affair as much as possible within the laws of GA. I don’t know GA law, but can you talk to your attorney and find out if there is a way thru the courts to get a temporary judgment regarding finances and then only meet what you are legally mandated to meet? Also, do you have any legal grounds in GA that cover debts accrued and/or assets gained during your time of separation?

Your WW is poised, in my opinion, on the brink of taking the A to its next step if she hasn’t already done so. She will use whatever funds you place at her disposal to do so, especially since she has already filed..she knows the ‘money source’ will dry up even more after the D. I caution you to be very careful to protect yourself during this time. I can also see her attempting to get some sort of interim ‘maintenance’ set up instead of going full force on the D in order to get you to forcibly having to continue to support her while she keeps considering her options with you on the backburner, of course.

I think you can stand up for yourself AND eliminate enabling her affair without it being unchristian to do so. I can’t see God condoning you supporting your wife’s sinful behavior in any way. She will NEVER hit bottom if everyone continues to rescue her and seek to reduce her consequences in whatever way. These are God’s consequences..and in the case of the ‘Law’…these are man’s consequences that have been established. She should not be able to escape any of these unscathed if the pain from these circumstances can be a possible motivator to trying to reach inside and find out if there is anything left of the original woman you married.

I agree with JL that your wife still has some further deeply-rooted issues, not that I am saying she is totally unique from other WS’s, but the continued attempts to be with other men and her total lack of responsibility EVER..it takes my breath away. I don’t feel there is ANY sign of ANY general remorse at all. Maybe I’m wrong and I’ve just missed it? I think your wife is similar in some ways to 2Long’s wife. 2Long – correct me if I’m wrong – but your sitch seems to have everything going ok..as long as you don’t have demands? She never did a true NC letter? Doesn’t she blame you a lot for the ‘bondage’ of her being in an M? I find it almost painful to read 2Long’s sitch because his wife..and I pray 2Long does not take offense..but his wife seems to suffer from major entitlement and it’s all about her. I read the things he does for his wife..and it only serves to raise the bar in what she expects…there is very little reciprocation or true and long lasting interest in meeting her mate’s needs and being concerned as a wife should be for his feelings.

I agree with Mimi that you should stall and let your WW do some of the legal maneuvering (with the exception of the financial support issue), but I think you should always be prepared to defend and protect yourself. I also think that trying to remove as much financial support from her as possible is critical – Mimi – what do you think?

Also, FGG – have you talked to SH recently to get his input?

By the way, your WW sends you normal emails because in her minds y’all are going to be friends and this is seriously all for your own good anyways in the end. Just my opinion, but I attempted same thing with my BH with that line of thinking. You know, kind of a ‘no hard feelings, right’. I also would do things like this right when I knew I had done something to ruffle him like filing for D, etc. – I want to smooth things over so he would just see that this is all for the best in the end. You may see more of the same in the near future. She may have also sent you that to just dip her toes into the water to see what you would say.

I agree with Gimble, what you have done for your WW and your history will NEVER be replaced. Your wife is not thinking of any of this. She wants her drug of choice right now and NOTHING else matters. Although I hate to say this again..it is hurting you, ripping apart your family, but this is about your wife’s poor choices – it was NOTHING you did. It is nothing you deserve, but your wife is incapable of seeing that right now. If your wife was to meet up with OM in person, I give it less than a year before it ends. In fact, if there was a fairy tale situation in which all financial support could be cut off..which won’t happen, I wouldn’t give their relationship 3 months even. The OM does NOT want to support two women. Right now, he is in a wonderful situation – he is married..she is married..he can have all the fun he wants on the BS’s dime right now. Reality has not hit and until it does..I don’t think anything will change for now.

I think your wife knows what is best for her..being with you, but she is so much in the depths of her addiction that she will not make that choice yet. I don’t think she truly wants a divorce, but she is so out of control she is not going to make the best decisions regardless right now.

Edited to say: I typed up 95% of this long ol’ post yesterday and saved it in a word document to post with today. I notice since I typed it that your WW is actually filing for maintenance instead of D. That fits with one thing I think I put in my long tome. I’m too tired to read my own stuff again…lol

Regards,

FYR

Mimi and Company:

ALL little girls (and big girls) are princesses! Haven't y'all read 'Secret Garden'?

Love Y'all!

FYR

FYR:

Are you really Steve Harley posing as FYR? Better yet are you our GUARDIAN ANGEL? You are BRILLIANT! I love you!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also think that trying to remove as much financial support from her as possible is critical – Mimi – what do you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree absolutely!! You wouldn't believe the amount of spousal support my FWH had to pay. I had access to his checking account and removed it each month. He and FOW were not eating in gourmet restaurants during my PLAN B! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FYR, I don't know the details but Georgia and his wife visited with the OM and his wife in Canada. I don't think she was alone with him, though.

I've decided to hold on to my toga!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LOL at Mimi...

I'm afraid SH might actually disagree with some of what I've said..but since I've never had the pleasure of implementing all the MB principles..and have never had the honor of working directly with him, I'm not sure if he would take umbrage at what I had to say or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess it isn't too awful from your sweet reply. Sometimes I fret endlessly on my responses because I am so afraid of causing more pain...one of those 'first, do no harm' kind of internal tussles.

I do know one thing - I still possess my power as a top 'thread killer'. LOL..I post only 50 or so paragraphs in one huge reply and everyone flees the thread! Except for my brave friend, Mimi, that is!!

I LOVE the fact that you were able to make a financial hit on your FWH's affair life! I think this makes many, many WS's think long and hard about the reality of what they are doing. It obviously isn't enough to stop all of them..but..hey, if it stops some and makes them reconsider, that is good enough for me!

Glad to hear you are holding onto your toga! Keep your hands on your laurel wreath also!

Love Ya,

FYR