Thanks, SHMI.

In one of my early conversations with SH, he talked about how it is the responsbility of each of us to "guard" where we expose our EN's. If those EN's are exposed inappropriately, and then they are met inappropriately, it becomes an addiction that is awfully hard to break.

Georgia

GG,

I didn't mean for mine to be a sad story; and I guess that leads me to another point I want to make. Short term chaos vs long term peace.

It was about that time when I went through rehab with xh. Divorce had been filed, but there was a 6 month waiting period before it became final; and within that 6 month time we could have the divorce set aside. So to me the timing of his rehab choice was perfect.

I thought, no more alcoholism - maybe we can start over.

It was during this time that I realized that the road to my long term peace was paved by MY actions and choices, not my H's actions and choices. His actions and choices were outside my control and definitely caused me short term rollercoasters.

Somewhere I found the sense to take the high road, and not base the integrity of my actions and decisions on his lack of integrity. Am I making sense?

I didn't know at the time that my choices would lead me to long term peace but I give credit to an awesome IC who held my hand the entire journey. But as you guessed there's more to the story.

This is hard to admit, because this is an affair story too. I am humiliated that both my xH and current husband have both had affairs. I don't think I've entirely come to terms with that fact yet. Part of me wonders...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

Back to the story. During the last days of the 30 day inpatient rehab, there was plenty of talk about what to do taking life one day at a time. We were euphoric wanting to take a cruise together and rebuild our lives.

Sidebar - my xH and I worked in the same industry, however not at the same location. He was general manager of a resort that had 2 18 hole golf courses, marina, airport...and he had full run of the entire facilities. He had all the impressive toys to throw parties at no cost to him. So what happened is that when he went into rehab he fell off the face of the earth to all his party friends. In rehab, no one can call in to talk to the patients - they have to make phone calls with strict limits from a pay phone. There is no way anyone could have found him there.

One day one of my employees came to me and told me she had something very difficult to tell me. My heart sank...she said the rumor is that my xH has called (a mutual acquaintence - later to be known as OW) and let her know that he would be out of rehab soon and free to return to his lifestyle.

I knew at that moment that it wasn't just the alcohol that caused his bad behavior. He was sober and had completed detox when he made that call.

I confronted him at the next rehab counseling session, and after denying repeatedly that he made that call, he finally came clean. I had hit a new bottom.

He went on to graduate from rehab and I went as NC as I could. Moved on with my life thinking the divorce would be finalized at the end of the 6 months. All during this time xH was calling leaving messages wanting to get back together start over - same song and dance.

I actually gave him another chance during that 6 month waiting period, and he blew it again - which set me free to move on with my life.

Years later after I moved to another state, he called one day, apologized and took responsibility for his actions. Life was soooo good for me at that point, I told him that I had no regrets for what we had been through. That I liked me so much better for having gone through the experiences I had with him, I actually thanked him.

Bless his heart, he said that he wished he wasn't the person I learned the lessons from, he wished he was the person who benefited from who I was now as a result. I was able to wish him well and let him go with love.

For that I am grateful, because I never talked to him again before he died at the young age of 45 due to a heart condition probably as a result of abusing his body for so many years.

So to say I can talk about long term peace is true. I am so glad to be able to say that looking back I always acted with integrity by taking the high road. I had no control over his choices or actions, but I did mine - I can simply say I wouldn't change a thing, and for that I am grateful.

It's why GG, I've been so impressed with your handling of WW. It will come across very well for you in the judges eyes how well you have treated your wife during this painful process. But even more so - the payoff will be your long term peace of mind that you did "God's work" during your ordeal, and my hope is that one day your WW will call you and thank you like my xH did for me.

It was something I had always hoped, but wasn't sure would ever happen. It was one of the most wonderful moments in my life...a real gift to me.

End of novel!

BTW,

I may start a gratitude thread around here...sort of inspired by the pet peeve one! In the meantime, I would like to say that I really appreciate the compassion Mimi has shared on this thread and others...Thank you Mimi - you're an inspiration!

CSue -

Thank you for sharing you story. I'm still in the "short term chaos" phase. I'm sure you understand how I feel right now as you use the phrase "short term rolleroasters".

The only time during this process that I am able to find peace is when I convince myself that it is done, over with, through, finished. And...I need to plan the second half of life (assuming I make it to 96!). Then, I can kind of get a sense of "okay, now let's start planning where to go, what to do". I feel like I should feel guilty when I do this, and I know some of the folks here don't understand this feeling. I suspect that you do.

But...then I get jerked back by false hopes and it all comes crashing down again. Yesterday I was on the phone with the attorney instructing him to file for divorce, and WW makes her Herculean effort to contact me. So...what runs through my mind is "okay, this is it. She's finally ready, I'm about to hear her in tears tell me that it's over". In just split seconds this all goes through my mind. So, I hang up the phone from the attorney, take her call, only to hear she needs to know where I bought the tires. Whiplash!!!!

When I called the attorney back, I told him what happened. He just chuckled and said, "yea, she's going to do real good without you, isn't she?".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of me wonders...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect that everyone who has worn the BS cap knows this feeling. To use the moniker from one of our posters here, I want to wear the "I am not enough" banner. Oddly enough, #1S has helped me more with this than anyone. Right after Plan B, I told him and #1DIL that I was so sorry for the pain that this was causing them. I told #1DIL that I knew this must be so hard to her to marry into this fine, stable family and then have this to deal with. #1S calmly replied that I can't apologize for what I didn't do. That meant a lot to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....which set me free to move on with my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally understand what you mean. It's like I keep needing in my own mind "justification" for what I am doing. Every time WW reaffirms her stand with OM, I feel more "free" to move on. Again, some here may not understand this, I suspect you do.

I am so glad you had that closure with xH before his death. It would be so nice to see WW return to that upstanding lady of such high moral integrity that I have been SO impressed with for so long. That would be such a wonderful thing, even if it's too late for us.

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, CSue. There have been times that I've felt less than pleased with my own actions, but I suppose it's a whole war that we fight, not just individual battles.

On the gratitude thread, my only fear is that I would miss someone who so deserves to be thanked.

Georgia

GG you said,

I'm still in the "short term chaos" phase. I'm sure you understand how I feel right now as you use the phrase "short term rolleroasters".

You're right, I do understand - so let me add this. I believe that every moment spent in short term chaos adds to your long term peace in the future. It's part of "paying the dues". Hard to believe now, but you will eventually be grateful for every moment you've spent in the short term chaos. "Where" you are now is exactly where you are supposed to be in this place and time.

As far as the tire situation, I had the same laugh as your attorney! Because I can relate - I take great pride at the fact that I've never had to learn how to change a tire; in fact I have refused to learn. God bless your wife - I'm sending some prayers her way.

OMG,I've been relating to the tire, too.

Prima Donna here has never changed a tire, washed a car. You know the deal!

Right after H left me, I had a flat tire and called him crying. What am I supposed to do, now? I was in the car dealership crying-not just about my flat tire. Of course, he couldn't/wouldn't come help me.

My H who is much like Georgia ended up buying me a new car just prior to coming back home. Folks on here wanted me to stop letting him try to buy me off. I accepted the new car and new tires graciously.

I guess this all fits in with me continuing to relate to Faux Princess Georgia and the mess she has put herself in.. Princess, like I did, needs to get AAA.

Funny thoughts brought up about the tire:

*When my W was pregnant with our D (the one getting married this sunday!), she was sick every day for 7 months. On the one day I had a flat tire on the way 2 drop her off at work, she was sick 7 times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...don't know why I remembered that now.

*My W called me when I had moved out for a 2ple weeks last year, crying. The fire dept - the very ones our old house group gave an award 2 for saving the house when we had a major fire 3.5 years ago - cited us for our trees hanging out over the street. I came over and cut the hanging branches with her.

She's not incapable of dealing with stuff like that, really. She's ac2ally probably better than I am at it. She was overwhelmed, though. And I felt responsible 2 fix the problem, because it would have created friction with the fire dept, and we didn't want that.

I know, would have been perfect plan B behavior 2 let her deal. But I wasn't in plan B, just got out 2 avoid snapping at each other for a while.

end of TJ
-ol' 2long

If this wasn't all so very, very sad...it would be funny.

When FPG called, she was in the school parking lot. The tire was "LOW", not flat. (Now if WW had a flat and got stranded in the part of town that I live in, that would be a problem!!).

We have a travel club membership, they would come change it for free.

I don't know....maybe LBSM (lover boy soul mate) knows how to change a tire.

Georgia

GG,
After following your thread for so long I have finally concluded that your situation is not really about your wife’s relationship with the OM. Rather it’s a case of this illicit relationship serving as the catalyst, for which I would characterize as the “showdown!” I believe that it’s this final unacceptable incident of behavior that has led you to at last say “enough!”

So what would you do if she suddenly gave in? Are you really foolish enough to believe that your marital problem would really be solved? That in the end, there wouldn’t be more of the same but with some one else. Or with another issue entirely! How about if you told her you couldn’t take her a cruise around the world for a year and that would cost over a quarter of a million dollars. An exaggeration, sure but you are getting the point I’m sure.

In my last post I characterized your wife as a spoiled brat! Well in truth, I would bet if you times that by 10 then maybe you can more closely describe the true reality of who she is. And before folks begin getting their old noses out of joint, let me say that I am not saying she is mean spirited, evil, cruel or nasty! I am saying that she is an over aged adolescent that has been programmed for her entire adult life, to believe that all the good things in life are hers by entitlement! And for this situation GG, you already know I don’t place the blame on her! I instead place it on you! I would even go so far as to say that you’ve paved your wife’s road to Hell (figuratively speaking of course) with your over abundance of love and good intentions!

If I remember correctly she came directly to you from her father’s home and her father I believe, is a man you have characterized as one who while being kind, has never been in the least permissive. In fact, if I had to look for fair adjectives to use, I guess it would be strict and in a very inflexible way. And so your wife couldn’t wait to get out of that house I’m sure! Then along comes you GG and away she went!

And what a glorious change it was! Suddenly she was assaulted with this constant and never-ending stream of love, approval and adoration! But that’s not all! Add an obsessive need to provide her with anything that she wanted or needed. Add to that a total and complete reluctance to ever say the most unthinkable of words to her; the word that you could never bear to have leave your lips when directed to this adored woman, your wife! And what was that dreaded word? NO! GG, I bet you can count on the fingers on one hand, the number of times you ever said no to her during your entire marriage.

So now we bring things up to date. A wife who has always had it all and had it with out any struggle or argument for the most part. A wife who was “brought up” and I would bet treated by her husband/daddy, in many cases as a third child rather then partner/wife and what you have is a spoiled child who cannot bear to here the word no.

I would bet anything that your wife is absolutely astounded, wondering why in heavens name, this relationship she is having should be an issue with you. She is thinking that you have lost your mind. She is thinking that you are the one having been taken by aliens! After all, she is thinking, why is her “daddy/husband” suddenly denying her? Why is he being so mean? His role is to provide what I want, need and to make me happy. When I want sex, (not when you GG, may want it understand but when she wants sex,) that’s when it’s to be provided. If she wants her ears cleaned, feet rubbed, the house cleaned, a meal cooked, a new car purchased, A VACATION TO VANCOUVER TO MEET HER INTERNET LOVER PROVIDED…GG has always rushed to provide it all! Isn’t that his responsibility after all? Isn’t that his role in our lives? To make me happy? And if I like this OM so much, why is he not happy for me? In fact, why is he not moving heaven and Earth to get me the OM!

If you think that my analysis is so far fetched, GG, give it some real thought. What is that your wife is exhibiting here? It’s not anger! It’s confusion! She truly doesn’t understand what all of this negativity being directed at her is all about. And here’s the kicker! Divorce is not reality to her! Because she believes; no, she knows, (deep in her heart), that in the end, married or not, you will come to your senses and be there to do for her what she requires you to do! Why? Because that is your role!

So GG, my conclusion is that you don’t need marriage counseling because this isn’t an issue of infidelity. What you should be doing and that I urge you to do right now, is seek out the best and most knowledgeable Behavioral Physiologists you can find and consult with him/her right away. Explain the situation and see what advice is forth coming as to getting through this current crises and then a program to deal with the problem on an ongoing basis.

I urge you to think about it. This may be the way for you to get some answers.

Coach

coach:

Was that an admonition of plan B or of FGG's application of it?

-ol' 2long

Coach -

Thank you for the disseration. I don't argue or disagree with you at all. In fact, you've captured the essence (eloquently) of what I was trying to say a few days ago when I talked about how I had spoiled her. And...I can't think of even ONE time that I've said "NO" to her (until now).

Were you referring to the Behavioral Physiologists for me or for her? No matter, I think the NC "demand" has to stand at this point.

And, no I'm not foolish enough to think that ending R with OM will solve all problems. However, it would open the door to START working on these issues with SH or someone else (perhaps a Behavioral Physiologists at that point).

It is strange, but we were both careful NOT to spoil our kids. They always had responsibilities at home (even when very young), got jobs at 16, bought their own cars, etc. Now...they are mature, responsibile adults. It never occured to me (at the time) that maybe we all (regardless of age) NEED to have responsibilities and limits to our excesses, or we will be come like spoiled children.

Of course, I am anxious to hear the thoughts of Mimi on this sujbect, as she took exception to my "spoiled brat" analogy.

What about it, PDG and others?

Georgia

Nope!

I am not at all happy with COACH's post! You are correct. I do not agree with much of it! My heart is racing as I begin to read it! However, I am so busy this morning that I don't have time to respond!

Just to let you know that you will be hearing from me later.

Signing off as, MIMI, with a strong sense of ENTITLEMENT!!!

BTW, Jeeves has never heard of a BEHAVIORAL PHYSIOLOGIST! Are they listed in the phone book?

Oh man..now I've got to go through the whole morning dreading an argument with the PDG.

Where is my CA'er when I most need him?

I've heard of BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGISTS!

Still feeling ENTITLED!!!

Later....

I'm not sure she has 'become' a spoiled brat, nor that you created her.

I think she came in to this M with selfishness, and you were happy to oblige her.

If you read Dr. Harley's ideas about the Giver and the Taker, it explains your situation pretty well. This R is VERY lop-sided and your Giver is Giving up...

What a new M will need is more balance. But will this happen?

There is no incentive for this to happen. She has been given everything, and I'll bet she figures if she holds out long enough you will see the error of your ways and go back to giving again. Taking away her car was a BIG step. Including in the paperwork to sell the house is a BIG step also.

What will motivate her to Give though? Shehas a different kind of R with OM, where she gives more...or is it. I think she gives to him her conversation but she also Takes from him attention...calling whenever SHE feels like it. Does HE call her? Once again she has developed a lop-sided R.

She did bake you a cake...as though that were enough to give, or to pull you back because she could say "See, I know how to give... "

Unfortunately she may have to have everything taken from her before she learns to appreciate what was given to her all these years...and even then, she may not learn how to give...

Coach,

I read your post with rapt attention.

That's what I've been doing to my WW too; maybe not to that extreme. I do say "no" more and more these days - but then again, we are heading to D.

-AD

GG, 2long, the esteemed Mimi and any one else who wants to spend the day reading,

First to 2long ‘cause he is really funny. Admonition of GG’s Plan B? LOL No I don’t think so! He’s done his plan B quite well given the circumstances and his history with this woman. In fact, I think that he’s managed magnificently. And GG knows exactly what I mean here! Given his marital history, he’s been a rock!

By the GG, you don’t have to except ownership for the characterization of your wife as a spoiled brat! It was I that first used those adjectives; so if the wrath of Mimi needs to be directed at any one, let it be me! LOL But what I really want to make clear however, is that one of the reasons that I have come to have such enormous respect for you is your willingness to accept your responsibility and willingness to acknowledge your primary role in this mess.

GG, that you can have such a clear vision of yourself and the situation given the pressure that you’ve been under is a testament to your maturity and skill. I have to tell you, I would hire you in a heartbeat and at anytime! Your company is very fortunate to have you! I would guess that your only blind spot is your WW and maybe on very few occasions, one or both of your sons. But where you wife is concerned? That is the real deal and in that YOU know it, I won’t beat that particular dead horse.

What I will say is, I told you so! Go back to some private E-mail conversations that you and I had months ago and you will see that much of what I had observed then has since been validated. And at the time one of the things I advised you to do (THEN) was to sell the house! And I new that it was a prospect to painful for you to consider but I also felt that it was the kind of move needed to get your wife’s attention. Now of course, it may be to late to make use of that action for that purpose. Now selling the house may be about financial survival. Things will heat up as her lawyer takes control so you are quite right to be prepared for what may become nasty.

Now as to what to do. What I was saying in my previous post is that by concentrating on the infidelity issue, all that you’re dealing with is a symptom of the problem and not the root of what the problem really is. The problem is behavioral not marital! Her infidelity is simply a symptom of a larger issue. It just so happens that the infidelity is the one issue that has finally caused you GG, to stand up and say ENOUGH!

In fact, I would guess that some where deep down, GG you have been wrestling with the LARGER issue of your wife’s attitude for quite a long time...in fact for far 2long! LOL (Just like another contributor here, by the way; the difference being that that particular person hasn’t yet reached the point where he’s willing to finally confront the issue on a definitive bases.) But GG you have reached that point! So guys I think we all owe it to him to help him get it right! God only knows what it’s taken for him to finally stand up to the years of what GG KNOWS, have been repetitive relationship errors.

So, as problem solvers are prone to do, we first take great care to define the problem correctly, completely and accurately, because once confronted, we don’t want to have to go back and do it all over again do we? And so what this lengthily explanation is all about is how GG needs to define the problem.

In doing so, one point I want to make is that we are all so hung up on the infidelity issue that we are looking at this problem by treating the symptom and not the bottom line issue. Need proof? Let’s look at what SH has advised. Ah Mimi, are you tasking note here?

SH, (who by the way I counseled with and who I credit with helping me to save my marriage and who I spent much time speaking with a great cost, LOL) advised GG to do the following:

1. Go to Plan B and do it in a way that allows for the particular problem at hand to be dealt with. I.e., GG’s concern that if he moved out the OM would move in.
2. When discussing issues of behavior, do not condemn behavior on moral grounds! Instead, personalize it! Describe how it makes “you” feel GG.
3. DIVORCE her; SH says to divorce her! He doesn’t say stay in Plan B until you can’t stand it any longer! He doesn’t advise that GG accept or acquiesce to terms that he finds an abomination to stay married, he advises to go forward with the big D and hope that it will finally wake her up!

Gang, at this point, I’m going to take a moment of editorial license and interject what I know is an important thought. Contrary to what so many, (TO MANY), on this board advocate, the professional who created the MB program advocates that when dealing with a specific situation, to take a more pragmatic and hard line approach. SH does not advocate YEARS of patience and tolerance! His plan is intended to end the infidelity as quickly as possible while creating a step by step approach to dealing with marital issues on an on-going basis to prevent the situation from re-occurring. MB is not about silent suffering at any cost in the name GOD, COUNTRY, or MOTHERHOOD! He does advocate healthy marriages and doing the hard work needed to get them there. At MB, the BS is not asked to replicate an image more closely aligned to sainthood! The BS is asked to understand to implement a strategy to end infidelity and save the marriage. But this strategy is not intended to be an on going process ad infinitum!

So where does that leave us? We need to understand that GG is being confronted with behavioral issues that have been manifested in may ways for many years and that this current issue just happens to be the final straw! So what we need to do is help him find ways to identify and deal with behavioral issues, BOTH behavioral issues on HIS part as well as on his WIFE’s part, to solve the whole problem and not just this current nasty aspect of it. We, in short, need to promote a long-term solution and in effect a happy marriage! And is this not consistent with MB after all!?

And so folks, that is what I for one intend to do and if anyone is scandalized by my analysis or/and the characterizations I make of the participants in this relationship, then my advice to them is to get over it!

GG, my advice to you is simple:
1. Keep doing what you’re doing! Go forward with the divorce and stay in Plan B as per SH’s advice! Not coach’s advice but SH’s advice!
2. At the same time and as fast as you can seek out the very BEST behavior psychologist you can find and give that person an accurate accounting of your marital history describing your own culpability as well as your wife’s, for the years of your marriage. Then describe where you currently are in your relationship and ask what steps are advisable to deal with the current situation and as a long-term approach; for BOTH you and your wife!

Coach

GG, 2long, the esteemed & entitled Mimi (who I must thank for pointing out my typo), any one else who wants to spend the day reading,

First to 2long ‘cause he is really funny. Admonition of GG’s Plan B? LOL No I don’t think so! He’s done his plan B quite well given the circumstances and his history with this woman. In fact, I think that he’s managed magnificently. And GG knows exactly what I mean here! Given his marital history, he’s been a rock!

By the GG, you don’t have to except ownership for the characterization of your wife as a spoiled brat! It was I that first used those adjectives; so if the wrath of Mimi needs to be directed at any one, let it be me! LOL But what I really want to make clear however, is that one of the reasons that I have come to have such enormous respect for you is your willingness to accept your responsibility and willingness to acknowledge your primary role in this mess.

GG, that you can have such a clear vision of yourself and the situation given the pressure that you’ve been under is a testament to your maturity and skill. I have to tell you, I would hire you in a heartbeat and at anytime! Your company is very fortunate to have you! I would guess that your only blind spot is your WW and maybe on very few occasions, one or both of your sons. But where you wife is concerned? That is the real deal and in that YOU know it, I won’t beat that particular dead horse.

What I will say is, I told you so! Go back to some private E-mail conversations that you and I had months ago and you will see that much of what I had observed then has since been validated. And at the time one of the things I advised you to do (THEN) was to sell the house! And I new that it was a prospect to painful for you to consider but I also felt that it was the kind of move needed to get your wife’s attention. Now of course, it may be to late to make use of that action for that purpose. Now selling the house may be about financial survival. Things will heat up as her lawyer takes control so you are quite right to be prepared for what may become nasty.

Now as to what to do. What I was saying in my previous post is that by concentrating on the infidelity issue, all that you’re dealing with is a symptom of the problem and not the root of what the problem really is. The problem is behavioral not marital! Her infidelity is simply a symptom of a larger issue. It just so happens that the infidelity is the one issue that has finally caused you GG, to stand up and say ENOUGH!

In fact, I would guess that some where deep down, GG you have been wrestling with the LARGER issue of your wife’s attitude for quite a long time...in fact for far 2long! LOL (Just like another contributor here, by the way; the difference being that that particular person hasn’t yet reached the point where he’s willing to finally confront the issue on a definitive bases.) But GG you have reached that point! So guys I think we all owe it to him to help him get it right! God only knows what it’s taken for him to finally stand up to the years of what GG KNOWS, have been repetitive relationship errors.

So, as problem solvers are prone to do, we first take great care to define the problem correctly, completely and accurately, because once confronted, we don’t want to have to go back and do it all over again do we? And so what this lengthily explanation is all about is how GG needs to define the problem.

In doing so, one point I want to make is that we are all so hung up on the infidelity issue that we are looking at this problem by treating the symptom and not the bottom line issue. Need proof? Let’s look at what SH has advised. Ah Mimi, are you tasking note here?

SH, (who by the way I counseled with and who I credit with helping me to save my marriage and who I spent much time speaking with a great cost, LOL) advised GG to do the following:

1. Go to Plan B and do it in a way that allows for the particular problem at hand to be dealt with. I.e., GG’s concern that if he moved out the OM would move in.
2. When discussing issues of behavior, do not condemn behavior on moral grounds! Instead, personalize it! Describe how it makes “you” feel GG.
3. DIVORCE her; SH says to divorce her! He doesn’t say stay in Plan B until you can’t stand it any longer! He doesn’t advise that GG accept or acquiesce to terms that he finds an abomination to stay married, he advises to go forward with the big D and hope that it will finally wake her up!

Gang, at this point, I’m going to take a moment of editorial license and interject what I know is an important thought. Contrary to what so many, (TO MANY), on this board advocate, the professional who created the MB program advocates that when dealing with a specific situation, to take a more pragmatic and hard line approach. SH does not advocate YEARS of patience and tolerance! His plan is intended to end the infidelity as quickly as possible while creating a step by step approach to dealing with marital issues on an on-going basis to prevent the situation from re-occurring. MB is not about silent suffering at any cost in the name GOD, COUNTRY, or MOTHERHOOD! He does advocate healthy marriages and doing the hard work needed to get them there. At MB, the BS is not asked to replicate an image more closely aligned to sainthood! The BS is asked to understand to implement a strategy to end infidelity and save the marriage. But this strategy is not intended to be an on going process ad infinitum!

So where does that leave us? We need to understand that GG is being confronted with behavioral issues that have been manifested in may ways for many years and that this current issue just happens to be the final straw! So what we need to do is help him find ways to identify and deal with behavioral issues, BOTH behavioral issues on HIS part as well as on his WIFE’s part, to solve the whole problem and not just this current nasty aspect of it. We, in short, need to promote a long-term solution and in effect a happy marriage! And is this not consistent with MB after all!?

And so folks, that is what I for one intend to do and if anyone is scandalized by my analysis or/and the characterizations I make of the participants in this relationship, then my advice to them is to get over it!

GG, my advice to you is simple:
1. Keep doing what you’re doing! Go forward with the divorce and stay in Plan B as per SH’s advice! Not coach’s advice but SH’s advice!
2. At the same time and as fast as you can seek out the very BEST behavior psychologist you can find and give that person an accurate accounting of your marital history describing your own culpability as well as your wife’s, for the years of your marriage. Then describe where you currently are in your relationship and ask what steps are advisable to deal with the current situation and as a long-term approach; for BOTH you and your wife!

Coach

Hey Coach,

I agree with you, Plan B is not meant to be interminable...BUT...it is also meant to be a waiting period to allow the A to die a natural death...SH says on average 6 months. I would say there is a balance to be made here. Not to jump into D, but also not to hang on for years. What is the balance? Measure how long it will take for the D to be final...I'd say from Plan B start to D should be about 6-12 months...your mileage may vary...objects in mirror are closer than they appear...deliveries in the rear...every case is different.

I think, FGG, you are EXACTLY on target. The D is not meant to create a change in Spoiled Brat W (SBW) but to allow you peace, and preserve the love you have. You take what time you need to get things in order...

Time to flex your Taker a bit, and learn to Give to yourself. Time to be a bit more selfish. When/if the time comes, you can learn what you want her to 'Give' to you, and can ask for it...

GG,

I agree with some of what coach is saying.

Especially the part where the A is a symptom, not the real issue. It's like other addictions, where they are used to self medicate/numb one from the authentic pain they'd rather avoid. In a sense addictions are coping mechanisms gone wrong.

Thing is, whatever her core issue is/are; it's only in her control to deal with it. Nothing you can do. She has to be the one to face it, deal with it. You just need to get out of her way.

The "spoiled brat" stuff, I'm not so sure I agree with it. I understand the rationale, but something about it bugs... I also agree that the Harley Book "Give & Take" is a must read...it will help you understand you better!!